Last night K suggested that I go to the studio for casting. I laughed. I don't want to be an extra. I enjoy my time at home, working alone, tending our animals and our home. I'm just not as extroverted as I used to be, and I'm just not up to it these days.
I did go and eat lunch with him during his break this afternoon.(I really hope I'll be able to eat on set when the actors get here). It was not burning hot outside (for once) and I think we both had a good time. I went and got mailing envelopes for the packages I need to send, and shopped a bit for the first time in a while. I hadn't realized how long it had been since I was able to buy a few items of clothing, and splurge on some of the strange snacks I like. I stocked up on miso soup packets and honey and seaweed rice crackers. I plan to sleep in tomorrow and lounge around ALL day, munching and watching movies. L.O. is at her father's for the first time in a while, and I'm taking advantage of the time to take it easy for a day.
With his first paycheck, K has asked me to go out with him for seafood tomorrow night. Have I told you how long it's been since K and I have gone somewhere nice?
I'm sure you can tell that my spirits are lifted. I always feel better when I have things to look forward to. It's been hard not being able to get out and about at all for a few months.
You guys are so comforting when I'm down. I have the sweetest friends here.
Well, it's getting late and my neck is on fire. It's time to go and catch up on some of your newer posts and then catch up on some needed sleep.
I hope everyone reading is well and taken care of.
Jul 30, 2009
Last night K suggested that I go to the studio for casting. I laughed. I don't want to be an extra. I enjoy my time at home, working alone, tending our animals and our home. I'm just not as extroverted as I used to be, and I'm just not up to it these days.
Posted by Lindsay at 9:28 PM
Jul 29, 2009
I was late. Five days late to be exact. I tried not to get excited, but we all know that's just what happens. I woke up in the middle of the night and bam! AF. I went back to bed and cried. I woke up this morning to a dead cell phone, no groceries for L.O. and no money till Thursday night.
Apparently I bundled my services per the phone company's request and they didn't add last months cell phone bill. Well they added this month AND last month to this month's bill and I owe around $400.
In twenty minutes I'll be borrowing a few dollars for groceries, which is more embarrassing to me than I can say.
I'm hurting today, afraid I'll never have another baby. I'm quite sure I have a lot of scar tissue from Zoe's traumatic birth, but my insurance only covers my OB if I am pregnant. Go figure. Also, I was advised to not try and carry another child after 30 as my risk for another abruption will be too great of a risk to my life. I'm about to be 28.
I thought our bills were caught up, so that when K received his first check, we would not be behind.
I just talked the phone company into not turning off my internet and home phone.
K called and told me the 'not pregnant thing' was ok, and I told him NO, it wasn't, not for me, and I informed him of how nice he had it that he didn't have to worry about this domestic mess and he hung up on me.
So, I've been awake less than thirty minutes and have successfully ticked off everyone I've talked to and cried on the phone with the phone company. I HATE to cry in front of people, it makes me feel weak and ridiculous.
Crying to me is like going to the potty; If I can help it, I should do it in the bathroom.
So, no nice Lindsay for you today, just a crampy embarrassed crazy woman who is SO tired of being upbeat and hopeful.
It has to get better than this. I have 12 hours till I can call the day done.
Posted by Lindsay at 7:27 AM
Jul 27, 2009
I'm back from Jefferson. I spent the day cleaning and reading the updates on poor Stellan and his family. I am so scared for them.
Reading the fear in Jennifer's voice, reminded me so much of what I went through with Zoe. I pray that Stellan has a very different ending.
I had a dream last night, that I was walking around with Zoe. She was still and had her eyes closed. People were commenting that she seemed to sleep so much and be such an angel. When I told them it was because she was very sick and going to die any day, they thought I was crazy, but I took her everywhere and kept checking her to make sure she was still breathing. L.O. woke me up before the dream ended, but we all know what would have/did happen. It was very sad for me and quite chaotic.
I keep having these dreams where I know what's going to happen but no one believes me. My nights are filled with trying to convince droves of strangers that I am not crazy, only a bit more enlightened. I began to wake up, still pleading to be understood and believed, until consciousness settles in and I think,'wow, what a crazy night'. It seems to set the mood for the day if I am not careful.
I had no dreams the first night at the Bed and Breakfast and felt so rested the next day. I prayed for no dreams last night, and you see how that went.
With this day over, it's time for me to get ready for tomorrow and bedtime.
Niobe, I am crossing my fingers and hoping for your transfer.
Margaret, I am waiting for an update and I hope you and yours and your home are ok.
Angie, I'm so sorry about your finger. I hope you are feeling much better soon.
Carly, I am thinking of you tonight as well.
I'm hoping for Stellan as well of course.
I hope you all have a peaceful night (or morning for my friends in Oz).
I promise I am still sending your packages. I must wait for a paycheck as we just had a financial scare.
all my love, Lindsay
Posted by Lindsay at 6:50 PM
Jul 24, 2009
Lately I really have had an anxious feeling. All the things I believed were the cause have resolved themselves. Due to this, I have been losing myself in tiny little stitches and soft and fuzzy wool and mohair and tiny ingredients for a miniature world.
I'm leaving in a few hours to go with L.O. and my mother back to the bed and breakfast we stayed at last month.
I'm dreamy and anxious (don't ask me how that works) and pondering what will be on television when I am old. I picture interviews with the Jon & Kate kids about having to grow up on television and commercials for Virgin Galactic plus their competition' commercial screaming about cheaper 'space fair'.
Wow, I'm letting my crazy hang all out today.
Maybe A short drive and some antique stores will help put things into perspective.
You guys have a nice weekend..
Posted by Lindsay at 7:46 AM
Jul 23, 2009
For those of you who prayed for K's work situation, Thank you!
Yesterday afternoon one of the 'big' people called K and asked if he could be at the studio this morning to fill out paperwork. Then he was to go on site! Oh my, this was an answer to prayers. K is doing what he loves to do, build movie sets. This movie is about a small town football team. I'll let the name of it out once it's appropiate.
I don't know if you guys understand what a blessing this is. We can now save money instead of struggle for it. Our unemployment was out last week and his health insurance was next to go. Not now!
God intervened the second we needed Him to. I know our prayers were heard.
now K will feel better about himself being a provider. Our wedding doesn't have to be on hold anymore and next year's vacation will not be canceled.
I'm sure you guys know what it feels like to be cut away from doing what you love. You get edgy and depressed. K was feeling those things, he was losing his sense of belonging in the world. He's a builder and creater and working on electrical panels was getting him down.
I'm sure today he was a little nervous going back, but I'm sure he has a spring in his step as I type this.
Praise the Lord! Thank you all who truly prayed for us. I'm so happy.
I've got to go now, but I had to tell you guys about this...
Thank you again.
Posted by Lindsay at 7:41 AM
Jul 20, 2009
Jesus said, "Stop judging, that you may not be judged. For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you. Why do you notice the splinter in your brother´s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ´Let me remove that splinter from your eye,´ while the wooden beam is in your eye? You hypocrite, remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother´s eye.”
If you judge people, you will have no time to love them. -Mother Teresa
We find it easy to judge those around us. We judge them with a self set standard, quickly and with little thought. Worse still, we forget how guilty we are of the lies and faults of our own hearts.
How do we ask for mercy from God if we see and treat others with judgement in our own lives? Why, are we so easily bothered by the defects we perceive in others? Why are we are inclined to berate those we assume are not as good as ourselves? We have high expectations, especially for those we love. Yet underneath it all, our expectations are unrealistic and unforgiving.
Are we so unaware of our own weaknesses and failings that we expect perfection of others? Or do we seek out and analyze the obvious faults of someone else so as to escape our own?
If we truly care about helping others, We will begin by correcting the pride and selfishness in my own life first.
I try to stay aware of my thoughts and not to judge others (even those I feel are judging me). I am saved ONLY by the grace of God as I am far from perfect. I'm going out on a limb on this post, but this is a subject that is very close to my heart.
I have felt jugded at many times in my life, I haven't always been the best friend, mom, daughter, employee, wife etc. I haven't always tried my best. I've often (and still do to an extent) held the belief that if you don't like it, then don't be a part of my life.
I believe we can get along. I also believe that we can learn from differences.
You may never know what someone may have contribute to your life. If you judge a book by it's cover, then you may miss out on being a part of a potentially beautiful story.
Posted by Lindsay at 8:57 AM
I haven't caught up with everyone in a while. I've been busy. I've been making cute little animals for the winners of my last contest and getting things together for a few others. I've been going swimming with K and L.O. and some friends of his. I've been trying to keep my mind from wandering. (that's pretty much impossible)
Do you remember how we had to give our vacation money to the union? Well, they STILL haven't called him to work. 'Next week' being their favorite line. We were doing ok on both of our incomes, but Friday a letter came saying he was no longer eligible for unemployment. Basically, now he may not be able to keep up his dues, so the union may expel him AGAIN.
Would you please pray that a spot would open up on this movie, and that they will call him while he is still in good standing with the union?
As for me, I'm doing ok. I've been in a fairly decent mood. I had a few sad days after my friend delivered her baby, but I can't go on in life thinking about what I don't have. I ordered some needle felting supplies from the Internet and my hands haven't stopped moving since. It's so simple and cute, and very therapeutic.
None of my (few) friends have been calling and I've felt a little lonely. I usually just take L.O. to do things and try not to think about what everyone else is doing. I can not for the life of me, figure out how to get my messages from Twitter to go to my text messages. I have unlimited text messages and have synced my phone in devices. What's the deal? Any advice?
The two year mark for Zoe-Beth's birth is coming soon. It does not feel as if it's been that long and I have no clue as to what to do on that day that will feel meaningful. I've done the balloon release. I even made her a cake last year. I know I will go to her grave, but what else should I do? What did you do on your baby's would-have-been 2nd birthday?
In one of my tweets a while back, I talked about my empathic tendencies. This is a short definition with credits to the author below:
Empaths are often very affectionate in personality and expression, great listeners and counselors (and not just in the professional area). They will find themselves helping others and often putting their own needs aside to do so. In the same breath, they can be much the opposite. They may be quiet, withdrawn from the outside world, loners, depressed, neurotic, life's daydreamers, or even narcissistic.
They are most often passionate towards nature and respect its bountiful beauty. One will often find empaths enjoying the outdoors, beaches, walking, etc. Empaths may find themselves continually drawn to nature as a form of release. It is the opportune place to recapture their senses and gain a sense of peace in the hectic lives they may live. The time to get away from it all and unwind with nature becomes essential to the empath. Animals are often dear to the heart of empaths as a natural love. It is not uncommon for empaths to have more than one pet in their homes.
Traits of an Empath
Empaths are often quiet and can take a while to handle a compliment for they're more inclined to point out another person's positive attributes. They are highly expressive in all areas of emotional connection, and talk openly, and, at times, quite frankly in respect to themselves. They may have few problems talking about their feelings.
However, they can be the exact opposite: reclusive and apparently unresponsive at the best of times. They may even appear ignorant. Some are very good at blocking out others and that's not always a bad thing, at least for the learning empath struggling with a barrage of emotions from others, as well as their own feelings.
Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates an uncomfortable feeling in an empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a confrontation, they will endeavor to settle the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. If any harsh words are expressed in defending themselves, they will likely resent their lack of self-control, and have a preference to peacefully resolve the problem quickly.
Empaths are sensitive to TV, videos, movies, news and broadcasts. Violence or emotional dramas depicting shocking scenes of physical or emotional pain inflicted on adults, children or animals can bring an empath easily to tears. At times, they may feel physically ill or choke back the tears. Some empaths will struggle to comprehend any such cruelty, and will have grave difficulty in expressing themselves in the face of another person's ignorance, closed-mindedness and obvious lack of compassion. They simply cannot justify the suffering they feel and see.
People of all walks of life and animals are attracted to the warmth and genuine compassion of empaths. Regardless of whether others are aware of one being empathic, people are drawn to them as a metal object is to a magnet! They are like beacons of light.
Even complete strangers find it easy to talk to empaths about the most personal things, and before they know it, they have poured out their hearts and souls without intending to do so consciously. It is as though on a sub-conscious level that person knows instinctively that empaths would listen with compassionate understanding.
Here are the listeners of life. Empaths are often problem solvers, thinkers, and studiers of many things. As far as empaths are concerned, where a problem is, so too is the answer. They often will search until they find one--if only for peace of mind.
Written by Christel Broederlow Copyright (c) 2002 (The Empath Report)
Zoe's father once pointed out to me that I had these tendencies. Once I researched it, I couldn't disagree. I get physically ill when there is chaos or conflict around me. If there is a rape scene or an animal is harmed in a movie, I MUST change the channel or pretend I need to go to the restroom.
I have cats in my yard that just wander here and I definitely have a hard time accepting the compliments. I am acutely aware of how others are really feeling. I am also the local secret keeper.
I'm certain that a few of you have these tendencies as well...
With that explained (you can go ahead an assume I'm a wacko now) maybe you can understand me a little better. I feel too much. I must throw myself in head first or stand on the sidelines. There seems to be no middle ground in my life. K lost his unemployment and I know he's afraid of not being a good provider, and I have shingles for the second time in two weeks.(ON MY FACE!!!UUGH!)
I'm thinking of taking up yoga on top of my physical therapy. I need a physical release from emotional stress. I did yoga on the second story back patio of our beach house with my ex-sister in law (we still love each other very much) when we went to Gulf Shores last year. I felt amazing that week and I had just recently lost a baby.
As I wrap this up, I wanted to tell everyone who is waiting on a package from me; It's still coming. It's taking a minute, but they will get to you. Hopefully on a day that you especially need a reason to smile. I'm working hard to give my gifts a smile factor!
I truly love and feel for you all. If you've asked for prayers, I've prayed. If I've read you are having a hard time, I pray. I know many people keep their IRL friends and their blog friends separate. I do not. I only see you as a friend I haven't had the pleasure of meeting yet. A lot of you know more about me on a day to day basis than any of the people that I see regularly. One day my finances will be in order, and I will be able to travel. There are a few of you on my list of people I will be visiting.
That said, I am most grateful for all of you. Your kind words, your comments, just your presence. Thank you for being here for me. I love you guys...
It didn't rain last night as it was supposed to. I've decided to air up L.O.s kiddie pool so her and the neighborhood kids don't come in and out of my house all day, letting the cool air out. It also give me an excuse to watch her play and spray paint some little things I've been putting off.
For now, I finish my coffee and read the few blogs I'm behind on as L.O. sleeps in.
You guys try and have a great day. If you start feeling down, just remember that I have what looks like the plague on my face:)
(did you see my blogfrog widget? MckMama was here! I feel special...)
This just in.. A good friend of mine has been having a very hard time with drugs. She has been through a lot and I was there for her as much as I could be. She moved away and I had not heard from her. Guess who knocked on my door about thirty minutes ago with no track marks and no bruises on her arms and legs? That's right! She came to say hello, as today is her birthday, and showed me her new short sleeved wearing flesh colored, no needle pricked arms! I did not pray for her as often as I should have, but God knew she needed Him. Apparently the move was exactly what she needed to get away from her suppliers and get clean. Thank you Jesus! This just brightens my day and fills me with hope. Thought it may brighten yours too! Will you pray that she continues to stay clean and that she will continue to be a better example for her son D.?
Jul 14, 2009
I'm just not the girl I was before.
When I hear his songs I think of her.
We did have the saddest ending,
We agree on one thing.
I can't help but think,
If you wanted me less,
I could have carried her better.
You said,"Whiskey and sad songs..'
So I don't drink now.
I won't remind you,
Of who you thought I was.
Posted by Lindsay at 7:21 AM
Jul 13, 2009
I've never done a giveaway, but I'm so inspired by your curiosity that I'm going to do it. So, you see the picture above?
I'm sure you've already realized it is a picture of one of my new creations. I'm trying not to make this too easy, so you may have to do a little research.
If you can guess what kind of fiber craft technique I am learning, I will send you a creation of your choice (I will outline the details to the winner..)!
Come on, you're not even a little excited?!
I promise that all of the recipients of my little critters so far, have been very pleased. Leave your guesses in the comments!
(I will also be doing a contest type thingie for my 100th post)
Posted by Lindsay at 8:00 AM
..is like any other day, almost. I awoke to a phone call, my ex-husband was late taking L.O. to my mom's for vacation bible school. I call him, he hits the busy button. I'm too annoyed to go back to sleep. I get up and look at my phone. No missed calls, no texts. I smell coffee. How nice of K to make coffee for me before leaving for the day. I grab a cup and sit down. I'm alone, like usual. I light the candle beside Zoe's picture.
My friend had her baby. I was there. She's more worried about being thin again, and her amazing (milk-filled/not breast feeding) breasts that are about to fall out of her too tight shirts that she hasn't called me and I suppose that's ok. I learned that we have VERY different ways of mothering and that's ok too.
I have no 'best friend' in this city. My 'best friend' lives in South Louisiana and it's hard for me to get to her. She calls me often and I love her for that. She is on my level. She tells it straight, and is not a competitive, one better, kind of girl. Like I said, we don't see each other much.
I like the anonymity of being alone. No one knows quite what you're up to and I like that. I don't like that when I've been alone often, for a long time, I begin to feel invisible and just sit and do nothing.
Well, not exactly nothing. I do the few chores I require of myself, and sit.
Then I'll take a bath and get dressed and cute, and just sit. I wait, for a knock on the door, for a phone call. I'll go through my contacts on my phone and decide I don't want to talk to anyone. I'll try to imagine what K is doing at work, what L.O. is up to. I read blog posts and click away until I'm lost somewhere in cyberspace, alarmed when some random call comes through.
My life is boring right now. We pay our bills, but when there's not a movie, there's very little left. I fantasize of traveling, of distant beaches and little waterfront cafes. The 'movie industry' took that away for this year. We had to pay our dues to a union so that if they just happen to decide to do what they say (for once) K will be all ready for them. It's very crooked, and hard to believe until you've experienced it. Most companies couldn't get away with it but I suppose I'd better stop on this particular topic.
I may take a bubble bath and a nap, but don't be jealous. I've had very few hours of human contact lately and a pile of laundry that would intimidate anyone...
Posted by Lindsay at 6:46 AM
Jul 11, 2009
I'm sorry I haven't been posting as regularly. I've had some blah days, and done nothing terribly interesting. I started a new little hobby, pictures coming soon (If I manage to get a new camera;) It keeps my hands busy and my mind lost in tiny details in needle pricks.
It is HOT here. To go outside is to break a sweat. The air conditioner hums away, fighting a losing battle.
K has left to help a friend move furniture and I'm at home, alone, like usual. I do enjoy being alone more than most, so what ever.
I have been reading every one's new posts, but I am behind. So If you've missed a comment from me, it may just be late.
Lucy had her puppies. They are adorable. I feel guilty, as I know that there are lots of dogs without homes. It's a little late now though and I'm sure I can find homes for them. They are precious.
I don't have much else to say. I just wanted to say hello, and I'm still here. You guys have a great day. Leave a comment and say hello!
Posted by Lindsay at 9:06 AM
Jul 7, 2009
I was so glad that my friend got through her delivery so well and everything is perfect.
I had no idea the affect it would have on me. I miss my daughter to the point it's painful. I am so sad for all the things she never had, never had the chance to experience.
I've been throwing up and crying alot. I am a mess and feel a gut-wrenching longing for my baby girl.
She's gone, and I will always burn inside for that little girl.
Today, I can feel my broken heart and it's a terribly hopeless feeling.
I've held it together so well, but now it's all oozing to the surface.
Thank God I'm at home....
I hate for people to see me this way. It feels new again, like she died last week. I need food (but don't want any) I need sleep, but I dread waking up.
Posted by Lindsay at 8:15 PM
Jul 6, 2009
One of my best friends is pregnant. I've told her the entire time that I just couldn't come to the hospital with her. She's laboring in the same hospital where Zoe was born. I told her I'd be happy to visit them when they were home.
Yesterday she called. She was scared. She was being induced today.
Do you know what I'm doing now? I'm dressed, keys in hand, on the way to the hospital before they break her water. She doesn't get along with her mother so her and her boyfriend are there and he's clueless.
I'm on the way to help my friend labor. I will pass the gift shop, where those sweet ladies made Zoe flower arrangement to top her casket. I hope she's not in the same room I was in ... This is it..I'm pushing publish and walking out of the door.
Pray for my friend and pray for me too.
Love you guys...
Posted by Lindsay at 6:45 AM
Jul 1, 2009
I see things in a very abstract manner. Those who would misunderstand believe I am eccentric and mean. I'm only very honest, and if you ask me a real question, I'm likely to give you a real answer. I'm not good at sugar coating. If you need an aspect of your life candied up and handed back to you...I am not your go-to girl.
I'm sitting in my bed surrounded by my paintings (all of my paintings spend a small stint hanging on my bedroom walls). K has gone off to work and L.O. is still asleep. I'm enjoying the cool of the morning before the thermometer reaches one-hundred outside. I'm not ready for this heat, it makes everyone edgy. This time of year makes your brain boil and people's ugly sides come around. Perhaps even mine
One of my oldest friends is giving birth Monday. She also happened to move into my neighborhood. We typically see each other everyday, but I'm about to have nothing in common with her. She's laboring at the hospital where Zoe died so I just can't go visit her. She'll soon be busy with a new baby and I'm sure I'll be spending more time alone. It's fine... really.
I really think I'll be alright if I don't have another baby. It looks like I have fertility issues for the first time in my life. Maybe that's a sign?
I need to start thinking of how I can entertain my daughter today. It's time for another cup of coffee for me and she will be needing breakfast. (Any one have any advice on how to curb talking back and argueing? That child can smell weakness.)
We will not be going to the beach this summer.
Did I mention my dog is pregnant too?
I can't escape
she's getting spayed
Posted by Lindsay at 5:33 AM