Nov 28, 2009

Lazy (craft) day

Today, the jammies are staying on and the mascara is being skipped. I'm declaring today my 'craft day' and my little handiworks are taking center stage. I have to make two things for the blogosphere and finish my mobile. I've had some good ideas for my hummingbird's wings. I think an irredescent green would make a lovely add-on and help mimic constant movement. I'm still wondering if I can manage tiny wire feet for all six birds.
Ivy is at her dad's until Monday and I'm trying to not feel lonely. Kenny and I are not as close as we have been in the past. I have never had an easy time of being pregnant, even when things are going perfectly. We are simply in different places emotionally and I have become somewhat withdrawn. I don't feel I have the freedom to make emotional outbursts or expressions even. Let's just say that there is some anger, seemingly directed at me, but truly I don't know what it's there for. It hurts and it's alienating and it can come with no warning. I am not good at being yelled at. It hurts and then I put on my tough girl mask and cry behind it.
So, yeah, I'm going to have a quiet day of working with my hands and trying to keep myself good company. There is something so calming about creating and I am blessed to have the abilty to sit around and create. I love watching my imagination turn into something tangible.
I am very excited about finally getting all of my packages in the mail and reading the response to them. I really feel led to try and bless others this holiday season. I hope it gives me the feeling of connection that I so long for right now.
I'm really struggling. I really feel alienated and like everyone is done hearing about the one who was lost. I feel like the people close to me now would like me to accept that this pregnancy is some guarantee, when I know it's a hope, not an absolute. I cannot feel any other way but guarded and shy about it.
Hopefully it will get better, all of it, very soon...

Nov 25, 2009

Here and there and Thanksgiving too...

My hair is pulled up in pigtails and I'm almost ready to face the world. I got a mortgage to pay and some felt to find that matches two of the birds I'm making for a mobile.
This week I have tried to get into the Christmas spirit by participating in a blog giveaway and a gift swap. More about those later in the week..
So, every day, I build up motivation, write an incredibly long (and impossible) to-do list and then I do half the things listed and get too tired and usually pass out before I can tuck Ivy into bed. Then I wake up the next day, feeling unaccomplished, lay in bed until I hear Kenny making coffee, fight anxiety, get up, read your posts and repeat.
Everyday, I try an conjure up the Christmas spirit, which works for about an hour. I'll decide to put up the tree and make hot-chocolate and then it leaves me drained and I decide to do it tomorrow. Today is the third tomorrow and I don't see it getting done today, much to Ivy's dismay.
I was amazed at your encouragement on my 'bully' blog and amused to see my followers (anyone else hate that term?) go down by two. I won't miss them, I'm sure. I was sad to see how many of you also have dealt with terrible meanness while trying to grieve your loss/es. It's so sad to me, that so-called 'civilized' 'people' can be so cruel and controlling when something so devastating occurs to a 'friend'. Goes to show that it pays to be picky about who you let deep into your life.
Just makes me all the more thankful that this community exists.
(Warning, talk of babies and pregnancy below)
As far as the itty-bitty one, I'm 17wks today. I feel little jabs and pokes and sometimes it tickles me and I can't help but giggle. Other times, I look down at my belly and feel..nothing. It makes me feel guilty but honestly, I've never been terribly gushy about my pregnancies. With Ivy, I had that naive hope that we all did at first and I thought morning sickness (or hyperemesis gravidorum in my case) was the worst that could happen, to me at least. With Zoe, I never could picture bringing her home, or raising her for that matter. I half-heartedly (yes, I know that's not a word, but it should be) helped arrange her nursery and if I'm being honest, I was angry and bitchy the majority of the time. I'm not sure why I never could picture her an old woman. Instincts? Maybe?
I've always had good instincts, but with an anxiety disorder, you get a gut-feeling mixed up with an irrational fear. Deep down I know the difference and SHOULD listen to my 'gut' more often. Anyway, way off track here, my point is, that in this pregnancy, I'm not looking ahead. I'm just letting it all happen as it happens. There are plenty of people who don't understand this IRL. Kenny even thinks losing Zoe is the same as his sister's early miscarriages. May I mention, that it's hard to go through a pregnancy after loss, with someone who has never had a child die. It's lonely already, but this is VERY lonely emotionally. My mom says I'm always in a foul mood, but damn, I'm trying hard here.
Ambivalence is the best I can muster some days.
I'm not a horrible ungrateful brat. I'm guarded and shy and getting on as best I can manage.

(abrupt subject change)

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm going to list ten things I'm very thankful for. I
believe that this is probably more exciting than my now daily 'to-do' list.
They are not in order of importance, they are just listed as they come to mind. I urge you all to do the same on your own blogs. It may just be good for you. I'll tell you when I'm finished.

Lindsay's List
I am thankful for:
1)My life. I've nearly lost it and been given it back. I may not always like it, but I'm thankful for it.
2)My family. The ones I truly consider family in my heart, not necessarily the ones I'm related to.
3)Kenny. We don't always see things the same and he snores but I thank God that he's in my life.
4)Ivy. I love every second of being that creative and adorable girls' mother.
5)Zoe. She taught me more about the world in nineteen days than I'd learned in twenty-six years. She was perfect and sweet and fought like a soldier.
6)Lucy and Toby. One's a dog and one's a cat, but they know me, and they've been through the rough patches of life with me, patiently, and still love me.
7)Good food.
8)Creativity. Mine, yours, doesn't matter. The urge to create and the process in which you carry out your idea is so beautiful to me. It's a sixth sense (or seventh) and an evolving force.
9)The kind and amazing friends I've met in this strange, sad babyloss community. To read similar stories and to be told to keep my chin up or to have a good day, does good for my soul and puts a smile on my face.
10)The itty bitty one still inside and the hope that it makes it outside and lives to one day bury me instead of the other way around.

Well, there's my list. I encourage you to make one of your own. It felt pretty good even if I'm now leaving the house in yesterday's mascara.
Sorry for being all over the place. Very indicative of my emotions right now.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone..tomorrow.

Nov 20, 2009

On bullies..

I was going through some old e-mails online. Old friends and unread Myspace messages from months ago. Blogs from a friend since the second grade, who I no longer talk to. Old friends (relatives even) who no longer contact me.
Losing Zoe was not what changed everything with many people. It was a mean girl I've mentioned before on my blog, who was there for me throughout Zoe's hospital stay, funeral and all.
She invited me to a Halloween party a very short time after Zoe died. I didn't want to go. I begged her to look after me, so to speak, as I felt weak, and the very thought of a party made me feel ill. She promised. She lied. Some serious things transpired at that party. She did in fact leave me all alone and managed to make out with Ivy's father in front of a car in her driveway, as I sat watching them from a darkened porch with my own eyes. Ivy's father had been helping me, as I was single and grieving and felt very ill-equipped to handle a hyper five year old every minute. He had asked for us to try things again. Claiming we were older and maybe, just maybe, things would work out this time.
That party insured that never became much more than a thought.
That was my first attempt at being social after Zoe's death. I knew it was too soon, but I thought that if I had friends (and Ivy's father) there to keep an eye on me, or take me home when I felt uncomfortable, I could do it. Wrong. He was too drunk to take me home. I still had stitches up to my belly button and wasn't allowed to drive myself, and he had a standard anyway and I only drive an automatic. I had to keep my mouth shut as I was too afraid to cause a scene. They both knew I saw them and said nothing.
I called her the next morning, and simply asked her why. She pretended to have no idea what I was talking about. I was beyond angry. Posts started showing up on the internet, that I had taken pills and drank alcohol while pregnant. She wrote a poem depicting me as a little spider. A spider that she was going to pry her friends and family from and eventually squash. Yes, it was very immature, but she did it, half of it anyway. I had childhood friends, who I only kept up with on the internet, that have long since moved away and family that I didn't think even knew her, contacting me. Asking why I was being so horrible to this poor girl. It was horrible.
There are people in real life, who will read this and think I just won't leave it alone. Most of these are the same people who were manipulated by her, and will never know the whole story.
None of this matters to me.
My whole point in all of this is that I feel that had this incident never happened, and I hadn't lost so many friends and even family because of the awkwardness this situation caused, I would have had more support while grieving Zoe. I often wonder if I would still have developed the social anxiety that continues to this day.
I was so alone. I couldn't trust anyone. I really hate to even admit how much this situation affected my grief.
Months later this person was still going online telling people that I was using my dead baby for attention.
Is that why I lurked around bloglang for nearly a year, terrified to write publicly about the loss I'd experienced?
Sometimes I think so.
It amazes me to think, that the actions of one person, could affect the way someone grieves. That one could cause another to hide their sadness form the world
for fear of being chastised.
I realize now, that I just let ALL my friends just slip away after that. I learned how easily a friend could turn on you. I stopped caring to meet new people. I isolated myself. I depended on things I'd rather not mention, to help me get through those lonely days. I wasn't very good to myself.
I look through the contacts on my phone often. It's sad to see how many people that I used to think would do anything for me. It's sad how many of them I'll never call and will never call me.
I truly believe that I have found some real friends here. There are some of you that I know will always read, who care about what is going on in my life. I've received the sweetest gifts in the mail and I go about my day thinking of many of you.
I hope that I don't go the rest of my life not meeting any of you. I would love to give a hug, to each and every one of you who has helped to make this a more beautiful, hopeful and less lonesome time for me.

I feel safe posting this here. I know perhaps some of you will understand this.
Have any of you been hurt by someone you thought you could trust in the midst of grieving your child/ren?

Nov 19, 2009

16 wks and more time alone..

Today I am 16 wks 1 day. I went to the doctor this morning with Kenny. Everything seemed fine. They did that blood test to check for genetic markers for Downs and something else. I just wanted out of there. I don't know why I hate going to the doctor so much.
On the way home, Kenny says,"They want me to come back for strike." Which in English means that one of his bosses, who just sent him back home, called him and asked him to come back and finish tearing down the set. He'll be here for Thanksgiving. The Christmas shopping is now officially my duty.
I just caught a break. I don't want to be pregnant alone. I will be strong though. I once put together Christmas singlehandedly, three months after burying my daughter. I can do this.
I don't wanna...

Nov 16, 2009

We're back!

We are home, yes WE! Kenny was told on Friday that they were done with most everything, and our hotel was paid up until Sunday afternoon, so we took advantage and enjoyed the city.
I got to spend some quality time with Kenny and one of my best friends. We ate quite a few meals together. One night she cooked red beans and rice, and we ate often at a small French cafe.(If you're in Baton Rouge, go to Le Madeleine..yumm)
I slept in every day and got dressed at my leisure.
Kenny must have really missed us because he was in the mood to spoil. He picked out a very old fashioned wooden music box for Ivy and had it beautifully gift wrapped for her at a boutique. We also bought her a pearl and pink crystal bracelet with a tiny silver cross on it, for her to put inside.
I got expensive truffles and a necklace that is exactly my style in bold silver and wood. I haven't taken it off yet.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love that man? I should, much more often.

So yeah, WE're home and getting settled back in. I've been reading up on all of your posts from when I was gone. Looks like lots has been happening with you guys. I look forward to being all caught up on every one's comings and goings. xo

Nov 10, 2009

My bags are packed, I'm almost ready to go...

This post was supposed to be long and insightful. Four loads of laundry, a load of dishes, taking Otis (the big red dog) to be kennelled for the next five days and getting Ivy to sleep and packing have taken it's toll on my 'brilliant' idea.
The only idea I have now is to try to keep my eyes open until I actually lay down, shortly.
I'm leaving again for Baton Rouge in the morning. I'm going to drive there, go eat on set with Kenny and then go back to his hotel room and sleep, maybe sleep some more.
Kenny says he feels this movie will be wrapping up sooner than expected. As far as I'm concerned they can't finish fast enough.
I've been hard at work on my home. I'm tired and I really need this break. I decided not to take my computer as I need a break from it ALL.
Here's to no cooking, cleaning or feeding. It will feel so good to only have to worry about taking care of me. You guys have a great weekend.
Sorry for the boring post. It's time for my head and my pillow to meet each other for the day. I'm exhausted.

Margaret, Lea and Holly, you guys are in my thoughts this week.

Nov 7, 2009

Today I may:

Get out of this white tank top that is not so white now that I've worn it for the last three days and take a damn bath.

Make my bed and do the dishes.

Cook something besides rice crispy treats, as I've devoured half of a pan already today.

Refuse to wear shoes all day and skip make-up. Except maybe some mascara, call me vain, but did you see up there where I've been in the same shirt for three days?

Try not to feel guilty over every little thing.

Play music very loudly for the next few hours.

See if my attitude will adjust itself if I quit focusing on it constantly and giving it little nudges and telling it to perk up.

Nov 4, 2009

14 weeks

How baby's growing:
This week's big developments: Your baby can now squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his thumb! Thanks to brain impulses, his facial muscles are getting a workout as his tiny features form one expression after another. His kidneys are producing urine, which he releases into the amniotic fluid around him — a process he'll keep up until birth. He can grasp, too, and if you're having an ultrasound now, you may even catch him sucking his thumb.

In other news: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, he measures 3 1/2 inches — about the size of a lemon — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces. His body's growing faster than his head, which now sits upon a more distinct neck. By the end of this week, his arms will have grown to a length that's in proportion to the rest of his body. (His legs still have some lengthening to do.) He's starting to develop an ultra-fine, downy covering of hair, called lanugo, all over his body. Your baby's liver starts making bile this week — a sign that it's doing its job right — and his spleen starts helping in the production of red blood cells.

I've lost weight. I wake up and clean and then I lay around and watch Netflix until Ivy gets home from school. She's actually going to eat with the principal of her school as a reward for making straight A's on her report card the first nine weeks of school.
I really miss Kenny. He was sick earlier this week and it was sad to hear him so miserable over the phone. I've decided to go see him next week. I'm going to kennel one of the dogs and stay for almost a week. In his hotel in Baton Rouge there are no responsibilities. It's easier to make myself lay down when I don't have ten things demanding my immediate attention. Plus, every meal is at a cafe or restaurant, so I don't have to cook either.
In other boring news, my new hardwood floor is buckling, and so a repairman will be here tomorrow. I'm also getting a smaller dining room table, as mine is massive and eats the whole room. I'm getting to a place where I want my surroundings serene and orderly. I'd like to start cooking a lot again and trying new recipes for the holidays. It's easier to stay in a peaceful state of mind when my environment makes me want to breathe. Not sure how much sense that made. I make all these plans, and I'm never sure how I will feel when the time comes.
Thanks for all of your comments. I'm sure that it's hard for some of you to read about my pregnancy. I'm sorry that I seem so whiny about it. I wasn't expecting to do this part alone.

I'm no where near convinced that I will be bringing home a healthy breathing baby in about six months.

Everyday I think, "Baby, please be strong. Please don't die."

Nov 1, 2009

All Alone

I'm sorry I haven't been writing. I was visited by a migraine and a sense of intense loneliness this weekend. Last night while taking Ivy trick or treating, surrounded by little pea-pods and super-girls and black cats, I suddenly felt all alone.
I am so lonely. I find myself yearning to have Kenny here to experience this with me. I'm beginning to feel the tiniest of flutters and I know they will turn into kicks and jabs before Kenny comes home.
I wish he wouldn't have missed the ultrasound. I wish he would have gotten to meet the Dr. that (hopefully) will be bringing this baby out of my womb and into this world. Sadly, that can't be my job this go around.
I wish he were here to eat my cooking and bring me a glass of water every now and again. I wish he were here to rub my achy back.
This is going to sound selfish, but I feel abandoned.
When Ivy goes off to school in the mornings, I find myself staring at the walls and staying lost in thought for hours. This is a far cry from my usual crafting, creating, active and imaginative self.
I've always cherished time to myself, but at this point, I'm sick of me. It's just me and my thoughts and my crazy dreams and my warm bed.
I'm not forgetting that Ivy is here with me; I'm only referring to the increasing number of hours I spend with just myself and my dogs.
I feel selfish for wanting more than this.
I am just feeling so utterly and helplessly lonely.