La La Land...

I need my blog/coming home....

2012-02-11T09:32:00.000-08:00

I don't know if my readers will come back, but I'm coming back. I'm done with fb for the time being and I find I still need a space to connect with people. To vent or talk about the random goodness I've witnessed lately. To speak of the thoughts that run crazy through my mind like disobedient children and explain how only my attitude has changed but it has made a big difference.
I've been through five months of severe (situational) depression regarding Jeff and all that entails. Ups, deep dark downs, betrayals, lies and an inability by either of us to let go. He tried, very hard in my opinion. We had agreed to not see anyone else. He spent most nights at my house, but when he went home he had set up a dating account and was having emotional and sexual innuendo laced relationships with a few women via the Internet. He even met up with one of them. I found out about two weeks after he ended it all on his own. It had been going on since November. I'll never know the entire truth. I tried to let him go. I didn't let him see my face for a week. I tried as hard as I could to use horrible words to push him out of my life and heart. It didn't work, we are having a very hard time letting go. He is trying to earn my trust again. I am trying to keep my heart away from our interactions (and failing) and to keep my temper in check. I radiate anger when I am angry. The only language I can speak is sarcasm and I will beat you over the head with words and insinuations until you can't take it. No matter what happens to me in life, that part of my reaction to strong emotions has to go. It hurts me just as bad as the offender and gets me nowhere. I hate to say I'm being more passive when I'm angry or the feelings of betrayal surface, it's just that I am not letting rage engulf me or steal any joy I may have been feeling. I have learned on some small yet palpable level that I can adjust my own attitude. Before I started working on it, I became a skinny, shriveled, detached, depressed mess. My mom had a talk with me on two occasions, begging me to admit if I was on drugs. It was so sad to me to think that shattering of a relationship could have the same effect on my body as months of heavy drug use.
I may be fitting in my nine-year-old's clothes and having to keep moving to keep sane BUT I have adjusted my attitude and started to let Jeff's actions belong to him and I'm trying to let them go. I'm taking Jeff and I on a day by day basis and not pursuing him, rather letting him pursue me if we really just can't/won't let each other go. I've cleaned and organized the house and filled it with food. I get up and make myself eat and put on some make-up everyday. I went to an estate sale that my friend was working and got some jeans my size so I don't have to look frumpy or wear my daughter's clothes until I do gain enough weight to fit into my old stuff. I cook almost every night again. I let Ivy have slumber parties with me and we watch movies and eat in my bed. All of this made possible by the refusal to get sicker and adjusting my outlook and letting emotions either be what they are and accepting them or letting certain ones go.
We'll see where things go from here. It will be chronicled here. I miss my outlet and I miss my friends. La La Land is back. Hope to hear from you guys....

If,

2011-11-28T14:13:00.000-08:00

If, I put my kids to bed each night happy and healthy and maybe put brush to canvas as much as I can, is it enough to make my life worth something? Can a life consist of raising babies and art? I'm tempted to say it is, but as ungrateful as I am going to sound, something feels missing. Something is just off and I'm helpless to find the balance.

4 years...

2011-10-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

My Zoe-Beth,
I can't believe it's been four years since I've held you in my arms, or seen your sweet face. So much has happened, and so many things have changed. What never changes is how much I miss you or love you. I will always feel a little guilty that I'm here, typing this, and you're gone, you died.
Life was getting pretty rough there for a while, but it's getting slowly easier. My heart was broken again and I had almost forgot how bad it hurt. Two broken hearts in my life, how do people live with five, six, twelve?
I'm learning to live for right now and to let go of control. Somehow, deciding to live with questions and doubts and just focus on your brother and sister is helping.
I'm sorry I haven't been to your grave. I hate it there and now that Moah is there too, it's so depressing. I know you are not there.
I'm sorry you'll never play with your brother or sister. I'm sorry you never got to feel the sun on your face or see a rainbow. I'm sorry you'll never open a birthday present or wait for Santa to come. I'm sorry for a lifetime, of things you'll never do.
Mommy

Zoe-Beth

2011-09-29T05:40:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday baby. I miss you so much. I wish you were here, running around with your family. Things are sad and crazy for your momma right now. My heart hurts. I love you, forever, xoxoxoxoxoxo
Mommy

Darkness

2011-09-28T01:24:00.000-07:00

I don't sleep well, I don't eat much. I see Jeff, I don't see him much. I take care of the kids well. I walk along lost when not doing that. My mom thought I was on drugs because I'm so skinny. I cried and told her it wasn't drugs, it is loss, it is pain, it is Jeff, slowly breaking my heart with his doubts. She cried, to see me hurt so badly. Losing Zoe broke my heart and I pieced it together with thin fabric and found strings and declared it suitable for going on. Jeff found a ragged edge and pulled hard, too hard. He didn't mean to rip it, after all I insisted it was made of tougher stuff. I guess he had to pull it open, I just wasn't ready for what I would feel once my heart was re-opened. I've thought about hospitals, I've thought about escape. I think more of my kids and how they need a mom, here, regardless.
I've never had a live person break my heart, and we're still together in a small sad way. In limbo. Now I feel that limbo is closer to hell, the hope to rise out of it will consume your mind.
Zoe's birthday is tomorrow and my heart has taken however many giant steps backwards. Light bulbs are busting all over the house immersing me in darkness.

Limbo

2011-09-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

Some days are better than others, with the mornings being unbearable. Jeff and I are still 'together' but in a limbo that is convenient for him and painful for me. He isn't living here and I miss him. We talk and I go see him. Every now and again, I get insecure and fight with him. I don't mean for it to happen, but I am so confused by all this. I don't know how to just let go and let the chips fall as they may. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of something not quite lost yet. I am having a really hard time. At times I feel like surely love will prevail and this will be ok. I spent Aidyn's infancy with this guy and we both agree that we love and miss each other. Other days I feel like I'm just enduring the slow death of a realtionship that meant so very much to me. I get messages where he assures me he cares about me and is thinking about and working on this, other days I feel like an afterthought for him, while he's always on my mind. This will have to end soon. I can't wait around forever wondering if I'm going to get the life I loved back. It either needs to happen or I need to start building a new life as much as I don't feel ready to. I have (ish) the person I want. I don't want to start over again. I know I can but it hurts. I had the life I wanted, the one I was told to believe in and then Jeff floated away from me on a cloud of doubt and guilt. I can't figure this out for him, but I can't live in limbo forever.

Empty

2011-09-03T08:50:00.000-07:00

Helping me raise my children, made him feel guilty about the situation with his son.
I can't have another child...
Two of these are reasons Jeff decided he didn't know if he could be with me. He said his feelings changed after seeing his little boy so excited about his ex wife's new baby. We stuck it out a week after he decided he had these feelings. I thought everything was going to be ok. He got drunk last night and showed his true colors. The fact that I stood beside him didn't matter. He said I was selfish and never made his problems a bigger priority than my own. I took him to his mother's in the middle of the night. All he took with him was the rest of his beer.....and a part of my heart.

There is no 'maybe' we'll get back together, it's the real thing, it's over.

(Feel free to comment however you like, just please don't bash Jeff. I am so, so angry by how blind he is and how bad I am hurting but I don't want ugly things said as I do, unfortunately, love him.)

Damnit

2011-07-22T13:58:00.000-07:00

I realized it the other day. I don't think anyone else knows or that I even knew until the last week or so. I am still grieving. I still miss my little girl. I still look at a boy and imagine him being dragged around and loved on and chased by, two sisters. It hurts me that my current boyfriend didn't know me before. I was so much more confident, and needed no reassurance. The very things he resents me for, my weakness.
Or maybe he doesn't but then there's another reminder, I don't trust people. Since Zoe died, I don't trust people to stick around because in my experience they don't. I don't expect him to stick around forever. I don't trust anyone to do that. How do you have a relationship, if you don't learn to trust someone to stay?
I really want to participate in the Where I am Now Project of Angie's. Today though, this is where I am. Remembering that I'm still grieving and I don't trust anyone and it's hurting my relationships....

Mean

2011-07-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

I will try and never speak another harsh word, in the sincere hope that no other hateful outbursts find their way to my ears. Sticks and stones leave scars you can see but words strike the soul if you let them,

What I've been doing in here...

2011-06-29T08:55:00.000-07:00

2x4ft.....

In my room....

2011-06-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

I listen to music no one else here wants to hear. It's a sanctuary in a sad way; a buffer, so to speak. Reading is the only sure fire way to drown out thoughts, emotions pushing to the surface but it's only a diversion. The art, a controlled echo of feelings past. The music sweeps up the thoughts, gives them form and a melody and I don't have to work for it. When the kids are at dads I've been painting, alot, alone in my room.
I hate feeling like I must censor myself here but if you look at my comments, irl people want their say here and this is my place, and I don't want to argue. There are also people who come here only to steal a glance into my life (when I've managed to write here at all) and satisfy themselves that I'm fine and never call or leave a comment. This blog isn't an accurate way to judge my well being. It's like the weather here unfortunately, it can change any minute.
I've been meaning to do Angie's Where I Am Now project, I just feel so exposed here. I don't want to go private, so I just have to get over it. I'll give it a shot next week maybe.
I've felt very lonely lately (expect this when you've been isolating yourself) . I don't know what to say here, or in any other area of my life. I've never felt quite this apathetic without at least knowing why. Rufus Wainwright and Jeff Buckley are saying it all for me this morning, but I have to leave my room and outside of here, no one likes my music....

Aidyn was hurt bad...

2011-05-16T07:18:00.000-07:00

While Aidyn was at his dad's Saturday, he put his hands down on a heated oven door and got serious 2nd and 3rd degree burns on both of his hands and one arm. He spent most of Saturday in the hospital and Sunday morning in the burn center. He is agitated. He cries when you tell him no, he cries when he can't pick up things. He tries his best not to fall because he lands on his hands and it hurts. He is afraid to touch things now. He can't hold a bottle and wants to chew on his supposed to remain sterile bandages. He will have scars. I am a mess. I've had a knot in my stomach since I got the call and even though he's home and being taken care of by his mommy, I am so anxious and just sick that this happened.

I'm such a punk

2011-04-11T19:48:00.000-07:00

I put the little pill under my tongue and hope for the best
It can't fix everything
Loneliness and anger will always have their say
Why did he do this
Why do I make myself into a martyr
Why do I still bother
I'm the one alone
I'm the one hurt
Listening to Miller's Angels

" I want you to leave me, leave me, leave me, leave me alone"

I HATE that I think like I do and in such circles and so fast

Lil man

2011-04-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

Oh,

2011-04-08T18:50:00.000-07:00

I'm simmering blackberry sauce for a storebought angel food cake. Why am I bothering? I'm reading about Nazi Germany and Ivy is waiting for me to come watch Big (remember that one?) and I am stalling for an unknown reason.
Aidyn is asleep and Jeff is at a party. He got a job. I went to the store. I came back to a mohawk that quickly changed to a shaved head. We lost a hippy-headed member of the household today. I hate it.
If I don't go stir the sauce, it will gel.....

Old Poetry...

2011-04-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

I think clearer,
In the muggy breeze,
The fading of blue in sky.
Do I call on the rain?
For truly it follows closely,
Behind my discontent.
I've concealed qualities,
Which I'll give no power,
By assigning names.
Names too often,
Repeated in brain,
But dare not speak
directly of.
If I am to become,
A trinket,
I'll be the brightest,
The most adored.
But, the melancholy...
How to end it?
These clouds, so near,
so often.
She calls the wind,
To see if it will remember her.
When she fails to thank it,
For soft embraces,
Will it still love her,
And blow her hair?

The Hand Up, Spring Fever, The Adventure and Thank You's...

2011-03-17T12:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry about my last post. It wasn't written with the intentions of causing anyone to worry. I was overwhelmed and angry. For a few months, at times it seemed as though there was a monster inside of me that kept oozing out. I was taking it out on my sweet family. I was also (and still am a little) having nightmares of just raw chaos and crowds. There were dreams about being put back into the boarding school I was put into as a teenager, but being forced back as an adult and seperated from my children and Jeff and unable to convince anyone they couldn't hold me there as I was way over legal age. Anyway, I talked to my dr. and he prescribed a new medicine that is actually helping me alot. The need to paint again is always a sign that I am feeling like my normal, well I guess for me, self. My head is swimming even now about new pieces I would like to work on and new mediums I want to play in. I may even have a touch of spring fever. I seem to want to clean and sort and organize everything around me and that never happens...ever. All I know is that this seems to be really working for me but I'm a bit afraid of feeling this normal and goal oriented as it is always so much more difficult to fall again after a stretch of feeling so great. Also, no medication is a wonder pill. I realize that of course. I think I just needed help to get out of the hole I was in. I just couldn't this time, nor could anyone else. ( By 'anyone else' I mean Jeff as he is the only person that offered a hand up)
Thank you guys so much for your well wishes. I wish I would have read them before today. I drop in and out of here so infrequently lately that I ponder the status of some of my online relationships, but here are all of my ladies (minus just a couple) again giving me love and encouragement because of one sentence I wrote while I was hurting and angry. How awesome is that? Thanks for loving me in my abscence. I don't deserve it but am grateful nonetheless.
Oh, and one more thing, Jeff and I just got back from another court thing in Virginia. This time we didn't let his ex wife determine our attitude and we sort of got adventurous about our trip a few hours into the ride home after leaving court. We left late Sunday night and drove through Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, and finally Virginia. We got there late afternoon Monday and did the family court thing Tuesday morning and then decided we would go to Georgia and see some of his family. We, well actually I, drove through the Smoky Mountains, which I had never seen. We drove from Virginia to Tennessee and through a little bit of North Carolina, then finally into Georgia. It was a very neat drive and I wish we would have had more time to stop at some of the little shops coming out of N.C. and into Georgia. There were shops selling gems and minerals of all colors and textures. There were chain saw art statues for sale and on display, which would have been fun to look at. We stayed with his family that night and it was fun to meet them and drink a few beers and chat. His oldest stepsister is a lit. professer, who was twelve when Jeff's stepmom lost a full term baby. She now has an interst in special needs kids and has written a few books about their educational needs, She talked with me a lot about the death of a child from a sibling's perspective. I liked them alot and I'm glad we took that side trip to meet them.
So yeah, Jeff and I drove through seven states in less than four days and smiled and laughed and bought matching aviator gas station sun glasses and sang to the radio and took goofy pictures.( Penny, we stopped at a Love's gas station near or in Vidalia and Jeff and I waved at your exit and said, "Hey Penny!!", and we started talking about some of the things you had mentioned and how we hoped that his son would know one day that Jeff loved him enough to have spent the money and made the trips to fight for his right for a childhood and a great relationship with his dad.)
Now we are back and Aidyn is in his new play octogon which is huge and he loves because he can go all around the living room which I love because my art supplies and breakables are no longer in danger. Jeff loves it because it looks like Aidyn is in a U.F.C. octagon. Ivy woun't be home until Monday. I miss her little butt, but she's having fun playing in the country with her dad's girlfriend's kids.
I'm about to go buy more plastic drawer towers to organize my art stuff that has again overflowed the last plastic drawers I bought and are spilling out all over the house. Gotta scratch that Sping Fever itch....
xo

Sometimes...

2011-03-11T14:46:00.001-08:00

People fall into a hole so deep, they don't know what to hang on to.....

Time for me to get real, for real...

2011-01-08T15:38:00.000-08:00

If you read this blog:
First of all, things are pretty good right now. No one's life is without it's kinks here and there, but there isn't much that Jeff and I can't handle it seems. I had a good Christmas. Aidyn really loves bows and has become addicted to Despicable Me. (seriously) My kid will give you the most pathetic face and give his most dramatic cry upon the changing of his new, umm only... movie. It's a phase, I'm sure, but I still get a laugh when I'm doing some mundane task and hear, " It's so fluffy, I'm gonna die!!!" or "Curse you tiny toilet!!" We have to go to Virginia (yes, 1,000 away from me) on Wednesday. Anybody want to do lunch?! I'll be stuffed in a cold, I'm guessing, hotel room all by my lonesome Thursday while Jeff fights to keep visitation with his adorable, spitting image of himself son thanks to an evil bitter ex-wife. YAY! Like I said, we just roll with the punches and take turns holding each other up and making each other laugh.
The point of this post was to first let you know that I'm still here just very busy. I took some time to think about why I didn't feel like writing here anymore, and I realized that I needed a more open space to write about my life. I need a place to write about live children, dead children, my relationships, my struggles, my joys, my poetry...anything I want.
So, I've given myself permission to do so. From now on this blog I will be all me, all the time. I may curse. I may write random poetry or streams of consciencness. I will post pictures of whatever I want.
I love quite a few of you that read here, like sisters and I have faith that you guys already know the 'real me' enough to stick around. Those I will inevitably lose, I'm sorry. Thank you so much for your kind words and well wishes throughout the last almost three years I've had this blog.
I named this blog La La Land, because my nephew calls me La La and I live in my head so much of the time and have used the term to explain where I disappear to. It was never meant to be a blog that only focused on the loss of my precious Zoe though that is how I found Blogger in the first place.
Enough with all that now...ahem..abrupt subject change following:
Catherine, I miss you, I really do. I never finished my bird mobile to my liking, so I'm going to hang them on the stems of some vellum paper flowers in a vase that I made. I'll show you pictures..promise.
Angie, I haven't forgotten you, and you still should expect a little something from me. It's past Christmas but what the hell, Christmas was crazy and I still want you to know how much you mean to me. I love seeing Thor and Bea on fb...It's precious watching them grow.
Birni, I'm SO glad you've reached the 'age of viabilty' and things are mostly ok. I told you that you weren't cursed....sweet lady. Oh and as soon as you send me some wool, I'm making you a Mr. Mitchell..remember..
Petra, you can expect to be receiving a little something as well. We'll call it a New Year present. I've had your tea for a while and a few knick knacks put together, I've just been so busy. Oh, I finally got my hands on some more kinder hippos, but nothing is cooler than the eggs. I still have every one. I love them.....
Margaret, I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch. E-mail me and let me know how things are going. I hope you are still loving life a little more. You seemed to have been finally pulled from the pit last time I heard from you and it made me happy.

I made a resolution this year (a few actually, but anyway) to paint and create every day. Angie inspired me and a lecture from my dad about wasting my time and talent gave me the push that I needed. I actually finished a great one today and I've already drawn out a new one. I've been painting alot and I feel extremely good about it. It's something I was born to do, and I know it. When I don't create, I suffer. Call me crazy, but you can ask my momma, I was creating things as soon as I was coordinated enough to hold a pencil or a brush. Where it will all take me, I have no idea, but I have faith that it will change my life and the lives of those around me one day, somehow. My instincts and my soul know that this is/has always been my path. I'm excited to learn where it leads, I just need the gentle push Jeff gives me to keep a brush in my hand and creativity flowing.
I gotta go now. Jeff needs some of my voodoo to help the Saints defeat the Seahawks and I need to go hang out with my crazy, sexy boyfriend. Kids are with dads. (Sorry Seattle fans, I LOVE your city but I gotta support my New Orleans boys....lol)

I'm back, for real this time. Thanks for not forgetting about me.

xo Lindsay

RAWR

2010-11-15T21:51:00.000-08:00

This is King Jeffrey They let me out of my cage.......
Hmmmmm whut to do to my sweet lil lindsay :)
hehehehehe
I love her

To all my wonderful friends...

2010-11-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

Like I said in my previous post, people have been unable to comment on my blog. As all of you know, October is when I lost Zoe and I was unable to recieve much support this year. I would appreciate it if those of you who may have tried to comment on my posts at that time, could please try an re-post them. It would really mean a lot to me. I spent some time being upset and believing that most of you just didn't care anymore. Now I know that in fact, some of you may not have been able to comment at all. Love you guys (you know who you are)

xo

Comment problem fixed

2010-11-06T09:42:00.001-07:00

Comment away. I had no idea no one could leave comments till Petra brought it to my attention. I don't know what was wrong, but I think it's fixed. :)

overflow...

2010-10-19T10:35:00.001-07:00

I am falling...

I lit them for all of us...

2010-10-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

I lit a candle outside. I lit a candle near Zoe's picture. I lit a candle by us on Zoe's memory chest. I lit them for Zoe and for all of your sweet babies too.
I hate the circumstances that brought us together, but I'm so glad to have some of you (you know who you are) on this crazy ride with me.....xo

*sigh

2010-10-03T08:20:00.000-07:00

Daughter off to visit dead sister. Mom stays home cause she hates to go. She hates to go, cause she feels unworthy. She feels unworthy because somewhere inside her, she still believes she killed her...

Tomorrow...

2010-09-28T19:28:00.001-07:00

You would have been celebrating your third birthday. I miss you so much and love you more....your mama

What's been going on...in pictures.

2010-09-16T05:55:00.000-07:00

A little low...and random thoughts...

2010-09-16T05:29:00.000-07:00

I wasn't really with Zoe's father when she was born (or cut quickly out of me, whatever) and I was afraid to see him for hours after it happened and I was lost and sad and had just had a baby and had no idea what form my life would take from that day forward. I never had a partner to grieve with (not saying her father didn't grieve) together. I went home to Ivy and tried to pick my old life off of the floor and shine it up and do my best for Ivy. It was hard. She was the kid at school whose baby sister died. I was the woman whose body gave out on her and her child and it killed her.

Since her death, I suffer this alone (well, with my mother) and Kenny never got it and the awesome new guy I've been tries harder than most to 'get it'. It's lonely though, a different kind of lonely. It's like you had this whole god-awful experience that still brings tears to your eyes and makes you act like a bitch once a year, but everyone just thinks you're that crazy dead-baby lady.

I snapped last night and said something ugly and was completely unaware I had hurt new guy's (someone I'll introduce you to soon enough) feelings.

Let's back up a minute:
Some of the events of Zoe's life are confusing or out of order in my mind. Anyway, I missed my baby terribly while I was in bed recovering from all of the blood-loss and she was being cared for in the N.I.C.U. and either I picked out a soft lamb, or my mom brought it up to me from the gift shop, either was, it was my surrogate Zoe, and hugging it tight and sending thoughts of 'live baby girl, please live' was the only way I could drift off.
I have since strapped her hospital bracelet around the lambs wrist and set it in Aidyn's crib. He'll wrap his arms around it when he's on his side, and drift off to sleep.

Last night, I went to bed alone. I was exhausted. I grabbed the lamb and found Dragonfly on Netflix. Just a warning, that movie WILL make you cry your eyes out. I turned away from the computer and just lay on my tummy holding the lamb. I pulled it up under my neck and all of the tears I haven't cried came pouring out. I could suddenly remember in detail, the feelings I had while holding that lamb up under my neck. The praying, wishing, hoping that I could rewind time, that I could fix this, that God would intervene and stop this.

I haven't been able to access my feelings about my stay in the hospital, only Zoe's last two weeks there. I ignored that I was cut from my pubic bone to my belly button and walked for her and left bloody footprints on the floor, walked to see her. Held her even though it hurt. I think I believed I deserved the pain when I looked at her little body lying there still being kept alive by bleeping machines and tubes. They said she was never in pain. My mother's intuition didn't and still doesn't believe that.

I know these feelings are coming around because the end of September is coming and then the three weeks that I can't think straight between then and October 17th. I feel like my statute of limitations to grieve over her is over (as far as anyone wanting to hear about it at least) and I'm not ready.

I woke up again after trying so hard to fall asleep and noticed something was edgy about new guy's attitude. That's when I found out about my ugliness, and apologized. Then I went in Aidyn's room where he was sleeping and put my hand on his back to feel him breathe. I thanked God that he made it. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to pretend I was touching her, just for a second, then I took a bath and cried. There was no sympathy for me, as I had been such a bitch. I was alone in this grief, which is what I was used to. Honestly, for about a year, I've tried not to think of her in depth, in painful detail. She's gone and not coming back and that's it, I tell myself. It's how I cope with other things as well, but last night I thought about the boy with the dead big sister. Miss Ivy who will never grow up with a sister, even though she has had one. I think about me as well. It's hard with two kids, and would have been harder with three, but I would have done it. I would have done it like everything else in my life I've decided I was going to do.

They remembered...

2010-09-02T05:23:00.000-07:00

My grandmother died a little over a month ago. I went to say goodbye to her. She looked like she had become one with the mattress she was laying on. I could see her heart beat in every vein in her body. She moved, tried to come toward my voice when I walked in the room. I told her everything I've ever wanted to say to her. I cried on her. I told her to hold my girl for me, to tell her how much her mommy loves her and misses her. I told her she was the greatest woman I ever knew. That was the last time she moved at all.
I only focused on getting through the visitation and funeral. They didn't cover up Zoe's grave to bury her like I was so scared of.
My uncle stopped me outside of the church, after I had gone to visit Zoe in the cemetery and see my grandmother actually in the ground, and told me that she had waited for me. He told me she never moved again, that she was waiting for my goodbye. I don't know about all that but he and my grandfather believe it.
In the midst of all these anxiety invoking services over the course of two days, I never peeked at her obituary. When I finally decided to, I noticed that it reads, "Faye was preceded in death by, her first husband, parents, a brother, a grandson and great grand-daughter". I never saw that.
This part of my family, that ignores everything, or at best will sweep an uncomfortable subject under the rug, remembered her. It took days to notice, but they remembered her. They included her. This same group, who left Zoe's name off of a huge family tree decoration at a family reunion (I took a piece of construction paper and a sharpie and added it in anyway), remembered to include my girl. They acknowledged that she once was. To me, she still is.
It's September. Almost three years since she was born.

(Thinking of Ciaran too, Bir)

I'm back!

2010-07-23T20:13:00.000-07:00

New , more detailed post later, but just a quick drop in to say I'm back. (I love you Petra!) and Kenny and I are over, over, over. One more time..OVER..
Thanks for hanging in there. I miss you guys. Leave me a comment just to say hey, and tell me you missed me as much as I missed you...

The view over here..where I'm standing..

2010-07-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

I've always had an intense urge and I've been creating since I could put pencil to paper. I've had a nagging need in the last few weeks to evaluate my life, what I wanted from it, why I was put here, that deep shit we all do when we know things cannot stay the same anymore. I closed my eyes and imagined the different paths and lived in them for a moment and judged each possibility by how it made my soul react. I was meant to create. It is what I feel comfortable saying I was put here to do.
I have tattooed in the past to pay bills, but it's not my favorite thing to do, especially designs that are straight off of the flash wall.There was no creative release in it for me, and it felt technical, like tracing and coloring, like in a coloring book. I only loved to tattoo my drawings, my ideas, the sessions where they say what they want and I draw a picture over and it over till they like and get it.
I've been painting again and it feels amazing. Painting is the main reason you guys aren't hearing from me as much, more so than Aidyn (He's a very easy baby). I have more ideas than canvases and I'm planning to do shows again, but I'm thinking of giving myself a larger radius and try to show in Baton Rouge or New Orleans. Louisiana needs art. Our state needs the benefits, the documentation, that artists give us to validate and record our continuing struggles. I've decided on a series, of my favorite animals in the Gulf. If you know me or have read this blog for a while you would know that I love the Gulf, I love to catch sharks and huge fish. I love the porpoises and the sea turtles that swim across from us on their merry ways. I need to document the sad reality for so many of these animals (I certainly won't have deep-sea fishing adventures with my dad to distract me) and I want to try to get a show in one of our our bigger cities. This is what I have been focusing on and trying to get ready for, yet struggling with money for now that I'm paying all the bills myself, there's not tons left over.
So, I get a call from a number I don't recognize Monday night. It was a boutique style, supposedly classy little tattoo shop, looking for a nicely tattooed female artist to compliment their cosmetic tattooing business (Clients come in to have their lipliner put on permanantly and decide to get a heart on their big toe, before they go on their cruise). I've heard the shop more resembles a hair salon and many clients have been asking about getting little tattoos done. They told me I could do appointment only, and/or I could choose three, six hour day shifts every week. She discourages flash and has none in her store, which makes me happy. Oh, and she pays cash, that day when you leave, so no waiting for a check and her rates are generous.
You see where this is going. I may be looking at having extra money to enjoy with my kids without exchanging the ability to be with my kids most days for most of the day. Oh, and I may could save a bit of cash to take a trip down south and TRY to get close to, see with my own eyes and photograph the subjects of my new paintings. I think the experience will motivate me further and help me express it better on canvas.
Usually things that seem to be too good to be true, are (Like this whole out-of-nowhere tattooing in a nice shop for a decent rate when I happen to be flat broke thing I got going on). Cross your fingers that some strange irony is occurring here to alter my current brooding and grey attitude into a more light and beautiful one.

and I'm sorry I've been M.I.A...xo

Once..

2010-06-25T06:54:00.000-07:00

I know..

I expected this, what you are doing.

This business of moving on and satisfaction.

Nothing is as intense, life nor death, nor the greys that cover,

Everything in layers of light and dark and brighter and darker still.

At night I am a ghost, in a world of real and gone.

Clawing through layers of guilt and longing, past and imagined.

In the day, I am a mouse,

When compared to my old lion self.

I am small, and silent, and out of style.

Cage unlatched, and I, too tame for desire now.

I understand the loss, of a stone, beaten into sand.

Forced obedience and the curse of knowledge manifested in me.

Fate's errand child, unfulfilled, lacking,

Giving, sloughing off my needs,

Becoming bitter, brittle

you flourish...

I?...so you're welcome

Finding me...

2010-05-22T09:52:00.000-07:00

I'm working on getting the old me back. I finished the mobile (pictures coming Catherine :) and a vase full of vellum paper flowers to match my room. Next week it's back to painting.
I signed up with a casting company to be an extra, or to be able to audition for small speaking parts. It'll be fun and will bring in a bit of extra money.
I didn't realize that I spent my pregnancy in a strange guarded, depressed frame of mind and I'm just slowly peeking out of my shell and feeling alright about it.

It happened to me after all...

2010-05-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

I guess I sort of never felt like it would pertain to me. The whole idea that when a new child is born after you lose one, it brings with it all sorts of emotions about your sweet lost baby and takes you places in the not-so-distant-past that had seemed to be losing a little of their sting.
When Aidyn first came home, he would crack his eyes halfway open (I only ever saw Zoe's eyes opened halfway) and I would want him to open them wide, to remind me that he is well and healthy.
Now, when he cracks those eyes half open when he is deep asleep, I look. I see her more clearly in my mind. I can see that he resembles her a little bit, which I can't see when his eyes are open, as I have no memories of her with hers open.
I often see him and feel utter joy while at the same time feel an ache in my soul for what I was robbed of with Zoe. I can see it in color and real time. It's a strange duality.
I constantly check in on his breathing, and like in my womb when I would suddenly wonder if he was ok, and he'd give me a gentle nudge as if to say, "It's ok mom", he now gives me a little wiggle, a curl of his tiny fist that says "I'm okay, I'm breathing and happy and fine".
It's sad and beautiful at the same time, that I don't get the normal, 'new baby experience' and that I certainly didn't get what I had dreamed of for the 'new-baby-after-loss-hospital-experience'. I didn't receive a single flower and the N.I.C.U. held my baby hostage as I struggled with the similarities between his birth and Zoe's, but I did finally get this precious boy out of the N.I.C.U. and now he is here with me.
I never expected these emotions I had heard so much about. Somehow, I suppose because I grieve so differently than most in this journey, these feelings snuck up on me. Now, a girl who rarely cries, and rarely slows down, is in tears part of the day and feeling a bit shocked and overwhelmed to be feeling this now while I'm too busy to properly lick my wounds...

I'll be back..

2010-05-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

Part of my life is beautiful and perfect right now. Aidyn is growing and doing well. Ivy is in love with her new brother and just passed her test for the Gifted program at school. I am in awe of them both and so blessed.
Things with Aidyn's dad are not good and becoming worse. It's hard to deal with it while I have so many postpartum hormones surging through me and so little sleep as I am the primary caretaker for both of my children.
I have been staying up late at night crafting and watching my favorite t.v. shows online in between feeding and changing Aidyn and getting up with Ivy for school. I try to create a distance from the growing issues between Kenny and I. I've made many beautiful things lately in an effort to distract myself from the disrespect and invalidation I receive from the man I made this child with. I thought things would get better between us once Aidyn was here and he realized what I went through during pregnancy and the birth and the extended stay at the hospital. It's made no difference. It may have made it worse.
I haven't written here as I'm afraid to sound ungrateful in the wake of getting what so many are longing for; a healthy, living child. I am in love with my children, no doubt about it. I am just tired of the fight with Kenny and I'm waiting for it to be over.
I'll be back. I just have lots going on and lots of decisions to make and I'm exhausted.
I miss you guys. xoxo

Two weeks

2010-04-29T23:09:00.000-07:00

He's been here for two beautiful weeks. I love this boy so much it hurts....

I'd like you to 'meet' my son...

2010-04-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

Home..

2010-04-21T06:43:00.000-07:00

We are at home. Little Aidyn was born on April 15th at 8:05a.m. at 6lbs 10oz. He went straight to the N.I.C.U. due to some difficulty breathing. He was fine after that first day but because they didn't let him eat for a while, they needed to make sure he had no problems feeding. He did amazingly well and they let us go late yesterday which was a bit earlier than they expected. He's a strong little boy who was determined to get out of there with his mommy. We were in the hospital for six days. The surgery did not go well for me. I will post pictures and write about his birth a bit later.
Just wanted to let all who were interested know that he is beautiful and healthy and HOME!

Depressed mommy..

2010-04-17T05:12:00.001-07:00

I'm in the hospital and Aidyn is still in the N.I.C.U. He had some issues adjusting when he first got here. I'm having a hard time coping without him. I didn't hold him until late at night the day he was born. I can't sleep and I wake up sad, and the nurses don't understand my compulsion to be near him as much as I can. He is so precious. He is taking a small amount of formula in a bottle that I have been giving him. If he keeps this up and tolerates it well, he may be home late next week.

Tommorrow..

2010-04-14T09:53:00.001-07:00

I'm having a baby. I've got to be at the hospital at 5:30a.m. surgery scheduled for 7:30 a.m.
Keep your fingers crossed, I'm almost there..
I'll only be communicating via twitter. I just sent a test pic to make sure I can send a picture of the baby. Be sure you check there tomorrow if you'd like. I'll be in the hospital at least four days and this will be my only link to you guys.
Wish me luck, I'm nervous about the surgery..

Rambling..

2010-04-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

I'm on the verge, a brink. I am frustrated with not knowing exactly when this baby is coming. I can feel other's patience wearing thin, while mine is gone. I need to see for myself that this child is ok, not wait and wait some more. I had my feelings hurt terribly on Easter Sunday, and I'm still not sure I deserved it. I was nervous about the amnio that didn't happen and the fact that I thought I would be having a baby on the 12th. I left in tears and haven't heard from 'them' since. I overhear the plans being made for them to visit the baby in the hospital. This feels backwards, like I'm only a baby house to certain people. They don't know what I've been through. They don't know what I'm going through. I've hidden away for most of this pregnancy. I've been so anxious. I ventured out on Easter only to retreat again. My favorite family members haven't even seen this big belly. I skipped reunions, I skipped Christmas. I just couldn't do it. People judge me for this. People want me to be a normal smiling pregnant woman. People are angry at my need for some space on the day the baby comes. I can't make them see why. I receive snide comments. I need friendly faces and love, but that's not how the world is. People think I'm being selfish. They want to plan everything out while I just want to be. They scream about what's 'fair'. What is fair? None of this feels fair to me. I feel like a vessel, like I don't matter much, just what I hold inside. It's not supposed to be like this. I am overwhelmed and silent now. Please let them tell me tomorrow that the baby will be born Thursday. I need this.

Today did not go as planned...

2010-04-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

So I get up on the table. The ultrasound tech tries to find a good spot of fluid in which to draw out while dealing with a tiny boy who won't stop moving and showing off. I sign the forms. They start to prep my belly. Nurse sticks her head in and says, "Lindsay, did you have your shot this morning?". I answer yes.
Amnio was off at that point as no one told me not to have the shot today. So Monday, instead of having the baby, I will be doing the amnio. Delivery is set for Thursday morning now instead. Not what I was expecting, but not the worst thing. I did however get to see that my baby has a head FULL of hair which was waving around in the amniotic fluid. "Look at all of that hair!!", exclaimed the tech. His estimated weight was 6lbs8oz. I'm guessing he'll be a pound more by this time next week when he (fingers crossed) makes his debut.
Everyone who sent me well wishes and were hoping and praying things would go well today, do you think you could just re-issue those Monday morning? I'm still nervous about it and I REALLY thought it would be over with today.
Also, I decided again to try and stay awake when I deliver. I want to witness his birth. I don't want him to be alone when he comes. So, I hope I can be a big girl and do what I need to do. (The xanax that the doctor promised for early that morning will probably help with that possibilty)

Promised update..

2010-04-01T12:57:00.000-07:00

Bed-rest is in full effect now. No lifting, no standing other than to get from one place to the other. I'm dilated to a centimeter and a fingertip (whatever that means). Since my anxiety medicine isn't working and a stronger one isn't good for baby, we're going for general anesthesia for my c-section on the twelfth to reduce the risk of my anxiety about it causing me to go into labor, which carries an increased risk of uterine rupture due to the keloid scarring on my uterus. The doctor is supposed to call me in a few hours to discuss this further and I really feel at peace with this choice. I was trying to be brave for everyone else, but truth is, I'm just terrified of being awake after the trauma that was Zoe's birth. Oh, and after receiving the call this morning that my insurance would no longer be covering my ridiculously expensive medication, my doctor's secretary came in the room during my NST to show me the confirmation she received that stated that I would, in fact be getting the medicine I need. She stuck it to 'em and it worked. That office can bet on a huge bouquet of flowers from me once this is over. I went from a goofy jerk that could care less, to a sweet and caring doctor whose staff goes out of their way to get things done the right way. This is a rare thing these days as I'm sure many of you know.
I'm feeling better than I was this morning. I've plugged in a S.cen.t.sy wax warmer that I bought from a nurse up there that is a rep. I've let the dogs in and I'm watching W.ee.ds and letting the sweet smell of white tea and cactus drift around my room. ( I didn't buy into the hype of those wax warmer systems at first, but wow, they smell wonderful)
I am so happy for Angie (Still Life with Circles) and the arrival of her new little boy. I hope she can rest easy now and enjoy that sweet new baby bliss. He looks just like her (to me at least) and is just precious. Congrats Ang! You did a great job. I remember you anouncing you last NST last week and now he's here and healthy and perfect. You give me hope that I'll get through this too, healthy boy in tow.

Sorry for dumping...

2010-04-01T06:59:00.000-07:00

My last NST is in two hours and I have entirely too many thoughts swirling around and knotting up my insides and I just have to get them out.
I have an anxiety disorder. It's been diagnosed since I was eleven and found myself in the hospital terrified of school and life in general. I was at an advanced school and had always done well and I began to fail a subject for the first time. I just couldn't grasp algebra at that age. I had never experienced such strong anxiety and I buckled and was eventually put on anxiety medication and continued to take it since, except for during pregnancy. With Ivy, I did well. I don't know what changed, but I found myself functioning with no chemical help for anxiety. With Zoe, it was extremely hard being off of it and I often wonder if the anxiety didn't contribute in some way to the end of that pregnancy. This pregnancy has come with some anxiety issues (obviously) but I've been on Vistaril and it's helped. In fact it's done just enough to help me deal and keep me mostly calm. Well, I started waking up last week after I'd taken it before bed, restless. If you've ever suffered restless leg syndrome, imagine it like that, but all over your body. So I was groggy and unable to think straight and RESTLESS. I could not lay still. I didn't know what was going on. I'd sit in the hot tub at 3:00 a.m. and that was the only thing that helped me be still. As a desperate attempt to figure this out, I stopped the Vistaril and the restlessness went away. The anxiety is getting to be a bit much. There's quite a few outside stresses making it harder. Here are a few of them:
My nutty neighbor keeps calling the Health Department out to my house even though the stupid tiny leak has since been fixed. She called and told them it was worse. They always manage to show up at the most inopportune times. She sits on her porch and gawks at me while I'm watering flowers, sweeping the driveway etc. When she has company, she talks to them in the middle of her yard and laughs ridiculously loud and points and whispers. She got a piece of mail for Kenny in her mailbox two days ago and made a big show of getting our 'nice neighbor' to bring it to me, explaining very loudly why she was just too good to step foot on my property. It's ridiculous. She's ridiculous. I find myself thinking about her more than I should, but damn, every time I walk out of my front door, I feel like I'm on display and that's hard to handle. I have things to do, whereas, making me uncomfortable and trying to make me miserable has become her favorite new hobby. I have to stop myself, and remind myself who I am daily as thoughts of terrible things happening to her play their way across the stage of my brain. I am not that kind of person and I hate having those thoughts about another person

Earlier this week, a guy from my neighborhood, pretended to be a girl on Facebook and lured a twelve year old (who was a friend of Kenny's niece) boy into meeting him. He sexually assaulted him and killed him and dumped him in some woods not terribly far from here. There are many things I could go on about here, but basically, this guy was already a registered sex offender. Our state is entirely too lenient on these kind of criminals and now a little boy has had his future brutally taken from him. The guy even had a wife and kids. I can't imagine what they are going through although I'm sure it's not as devastating as what that twelve year old's parents are facing.

I've had an issue every single time I go to get my injections from the pharmacy. I've had to pay for them a few times when the insurance wouldn't come through in time and they are $40 each. They give a different reason every two weeks and then the doctor and the pharmacist and myself have to make tons of calls and listen to conflicting reasons why they still won't cover it, and although I'm only going to need then for eleven more days, I'm tired of fighting for them. I took my last one this morning, and I don't know if I'll manage to get what I need before the holiday weekend. If I don't, I'll be spending $160 for my medication until Monday. It's RIDICULOUS! They told they nurse yesterday that if they could get this all arranged and pushed through that we wouldn't have any more issues with them not wanting to cover it for six months. That's great, considering that I only need 11 more. Sigh..

I had a small shower on Sunday. For reasons I won't get into, I probably lost my best friend that day. She's having a hard time and making some bad choices and some people were offended by her attitude and certain actions and afterward, let her know about it. She's angry at me for not taking up for her and she's not seeing the reality of how her mistakes are affecting her outwardly. She is furious at me and others and there is really little I can do besides condone her actions, which I can't do. Later that night she texted me attacking her for not attending her shower (which I just couldn't do so soon after Zoe died) and Kenny received a text that said," You better hope that your son comes out looking just like Lindsay instead of your fat ugly ass". Some friend huh?

My insurance just called and informed me that I was prescribed Lovenox for treatment of a condition not recommended by the FDA for use of said medication. It was denied. Umm.. I have two blood clotting disorders and it's an anti-coagulant. What is wrong with these people!!!!!!!

I have to go now. I have to get ready to drive myself across town for this NST and prepare myself for another day of fighting with my insurance for a medication my baby and I need to survive. I'm overwhelmed and this sucks. I'm sorry for dumping, but I had to get some of this out of my head somehow. I'll update real soon.

I did at least one thing right..

2010-03-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

See?

Many things have changed since my uncomplicated delivery of this little girl. I've watched as her chicky-fuzz hair slowly grew into blonde ringlets (while mine traveled the rainbow at the speed of my whim). She has helped me to find the mother inside myself and nurture her as well.

I know how lucky I am to have one perfectly healthy, beautiful child, and I've learned not to take that for granted. It's amazing to me that she's already eight years old, as of last Sunday. I feel like I was a baby myself when I had her. I was so naive. I would never have believed that I would go on to lose her sister, and that I would have to explain to my five year old why she would never get to see her baby sister alive. It still breaks my heart, but I know that without her, I wouldn't have had such a strong will to survive after Zoe died. Ivy saved me in a way.

She's been waiting to be a big sister for a healthy sibling for a long time. I hope that in just a couple of weeks, she gets that. She deserves it after all...

Aidyn Thomas..

2010-03-10T08:21:00.000-08:00

I debated whether or not to publish this here, but I thought about the fact that so much could happen before he gets here and I'm in love with this picture and wanted to share him with those who care to see.

Kenny and I have decided to name him Aidyn. Thomas is my father's first name.We've had a hard time getting a picture of his little face as the umbilical cord is always right there. I'm so grateful that the tech was able to get this shot. He looks very much like Kenny and Ivy when she was born. I love that his little mouth and his eyes are open. 4-D technology really is amazing..

Spring is coming..

2010-03-09T09:30:00.000-08:00

The sun is shining brighter than usual from my bedroom window. It feels like spring and the air is warm and sweet. Soon, all of the animals around will begin to have their babies. It's my favorite time of year (until it begins to get incredibly hot that is). When I had Ivy, I lived in the city, but I loved the fact that the birds and squirrels were all bringing new lives into the world and I had a new precious baby. Aidyn will be coming just a few weeks after Ivy's birthday, and I just can't say how fitting it seems to be once again giving birth during the Spring. I'm excited, and terrified.I find myself wanting to throw the words 'hopefully' and 'if' in there, but damn, I'm really trying to be optimistic. I'm very well aware of the many things that can go wrong, and I'm trying to only worry about the things I have control over. It's not always easy. I can visit the dark world of 'if'' and I do, daily, but I don't like to stay there. It's scary there.
Lately, I've been trying to get my home spotless and catch up on my crafty stuff. I still feel guilty for not getting all of my little contest prizes out there, but I haven't forgotten. They will come. Today I'm going to actually hang my little birds onto the mobile and finish a necklace I have had unfinished on my dresser for months. It's amazing to me how time seems to drag on yet pass so quickly with so many things left undone along the way...

Birth date scheduled...

2010-03-06T08:41:00.000-08:00

Do you see that baby ticker over there on the right? It's changed! Nine weeks to go has been changed to a little over five weeks to go. At my appointment on Thursday, after some 4-D pictures were taken of my adorable little boy, the doctor came in to inspect my tummy where I have been giving myself daily injections. He noticed the scar from Zoe was a keloid scar and after poking around, decided that my risk for uterine rupture from contractions would probably be very high. He recommended having my cesarean at thirty-six weeks. The baby is 'practice breathing' and has developed a nice layer of 'brown fat' and is estimated to weigh in at 3lbs10oz. He had gained a pound and an ounce in three weeks. He's right on track with his measurements and looking very healthy and moving ALOT.
I'll have to have an amnio, which I'm not excited about, but if everything comes back fine, I will be having him three days later. So, if everything keeps going as well as it is now, I will be holding my new baby boy on April 12, 2010. Wow, I can't believe it's almost time.
I hate that my posts are becoming sparse, and when I do write, it feels like it's all technical things surrounding the baby. Honestly, it's easier to put all of that down than it is to describe all of my feelings surrounding my life right now.
I will say though, that I've been receiving so much love and support. Kenny has really stepped up and bought all of the baby's furniture and bedding. My mom has been buying sweet gifts for me and lots of stuff for the itty-bitty one. I really do feel blessed. I have a friend who calls and checks on me and the baby, offering to help and giving me someone to talk to. It's refreshing to not have to feel alone. I felt very alone at this point in my pregnancy with Zoe.
All the love and support from you guys and a few people in RL is keeping me from following my thoughts down a spiral of worry and fear. So thank you. Really. thank you for your love and support. You guys are really making a big difference for me. I feel loved and cared about as imperfect as I am.

What I haven't felt like writing about and a re-cap of my February..

2010-03-01T07:48:00.000-08:00

I have been a bad blog friend as of late. I read your posts and comment some, but there are days when I can't stand to read about all of the loss.
I am nearly a week away from the point in pregnancy that I lost Zoe. It's hard to imagine getting past that point.
We've been putting the baby's room together and I try to talk myself out of believing it's a bad omen. Money doesn't allow me to prepare once/if he gets here. As new things go out of and into his room, I can't help but imagine the heartache of taking it down again. I don't remember who took down all of Zoe's things. I only remember being in the hospital and mentioning how I couldn't bear to do it myself. When I came home, it was all gone but the lavender walls. There was something bittersweet about watching those walls being covered in primer and later being painted a pearl white and olive green. It felt like I was letting her be erased. It felt a lot like moving on. I didn't speak any of this out loud.
Throughout my many appointments lately, my history has been asked over and over. I find myself speaking of Zoe and hear her referred back to me as some random fact, some note in my chart. I wait for the nurse to say they're sorry or something, but only one has. They keep going through their list. It hurts. (*note to all prenatal care nurses: When you ask a patient for their history, and it involves the death of an infant, take a second and say something. An 'I'm sorry' is quick and it's better than nothing)
The MFM has decided to do the delivery. He is sympathetic and seems intent on making sure the baby and I come out ok. He does an ultrasound every two weeks and checks cord blood flow and everything else that may could prevent the same result as before. He's the first doctor that cared about what happened and did some digging around as to why this occurred. There is no concrete answer. The clotting disorder could have been the cause, but there is no way to know, only ways to try and avoid a repeat.
I told him about my fear of the cesarean and he offered to put me to sleep for it. His nurse (and everyone else) has tried to convince me that I can get through the first few minutes, see my son alive and then get a fat dose of anti-anxiety meds to knock me out while he ties my tubes and sews me up. I don't seem to have the confidence in me that they do.
When I told him about my anxiety, he mentioned that I didn't seem overly anxious to him. I have had this problem (especially concerning medical professionals) since I was eleven years old. Perhaps I am just good at putting a calm mask on when I have no choice but to confront those fears.
I believe a lot of my fear (besides the medical) comes not only from the traumatic experience I had with Zoe (which could have been lessened had someone even tried to comfort me or tell me what was happening) but from being raped when I was eighteen. Something about being flat on my back and exposed during such an intimate time, and add to that, cold metal and needles and being shaved and prepped and catheterized, and I don't know how I'm going to do it. Then I think of the doctor saying the word 'resuscitate' when referring to the sleepy state of babies being born under general anesthesia and my blood runs cold. I don't think anyone knows me deeply enough to help me with the immense fear I will have either way. I don't know how to be strong for myself either. I only know that this boy is coming out one way or another and I daydream about it being over, healthy baby in tow. That also seems like a far-away possibility and I have to remind myself that it is possible for that to be my reality in about eight and a half more weeks.
So, the choice I am facing now is:
#1. Go for the general anesthesia knowing I will go to sleep and wake up and either have a healthy baby boy that gets to come into my room and be snuggled by his sleepy mother or be ushered into the NICU or worse because he couldn't breathe and it would be my fault.
#2.Go through the epidural and the prep. and try like hell to not freak out, not knowing for sure that I am even capable of that, and see my baby boy born and then go to sleep.

Of course #2 seems like the obvious answer but I just don't know if I can do it. I am so good in a bad situation concerning other people. I do what needs to be done and break down later if I need to. I can't seem to dredge up that strength for myself and my boy and it hurts me. I feel so weak.
So there you have it. I have been going through my days in a trance of fear and optimism. I have passing thoughts of doing crafty things and never do. That bird mobile I was working on is completely ready to put together. It would take me a half hour yet it sits in pieces still on my dresser, taunting me.
I've taken pictures of the snow here and of the bread I find myself making at least once a week and of the new additions to the baby's room and the beautiful yellow calla lillies that Kenny brought over on Valentine's Day. (How's that for a run-on sentence)
They were meant to have posts all their own, but it's too late to put them in any orderly post. I've decided to just jumble them all into this one. A re-cap of last month in photos if you will:

Captcha coming back..

2010-02-17T20:26:00.000-08:00

So a while back I got rid of that pesky feature, but now that I'm getting comments in Japanese and comments regarding men's umm.. performance medication etc. I think I will putting back the captcha. I know it sucks, but so is being thrilled to have a new comment only to have a comment telling you what vacation spots are the best bargain instead..

Them..

2010-02-16T05:08:00.000-08:00

My neighbors are insane. The same family owns the house next door and the house across from me. They hate my guts and truly, I promise, I did not earn this hatred. I am trying VERY hard not to let them earn mine.
Just to give you a bit of back story.
They once pulled a scab off of their youngest boy's knee,(he has now been removed by child welfare) and called the pound claiming my dog (Lucy, who only goes outside in the fenced in back yard) bit him. They wanted her taken in for observation, which had the pound agreed to do, would have cost me ten days without my dog and $400.
They've called the police on Ivy for crossing their driveway instead of walking in the street.
They used to rent another home on my street, and it was always packed with teenagers and cars and loud music. We only complained, to them, when the cars leaving their house would speed through the cul-de-sac, and I was afraid for Ivy's safety. This home caught on fire in the middle of the night a while back, and Kenny and I sat on the porch afraid that they were going to accuse us of burning it down. The house is still there, eight months later and is a hazard. There are animals living in it and children that try to play in it. They were told that they had to clear the property, but no one is making them.
We put up a small fence to remind Ivy not to go onto their side of it, and they had someone mark their property lines and called the police again when they discovered that the fence was three inches inside the property line. Police told us to move it, we moved it.
The electric company has been called to my house numerous times. Once to put up two huge lights on their property, but shining directly onto my front and back yard. They told the company that they were afraid for their safety and wanted the light installed. They came once to look at our electric service pole as they had a claim that there was a dangerous amount of slack in it. There isn't. When I asked about removing the lights, that only shine into my yards, I was told that they had payed for them, and I would have to take them to court to have them taken down. I live in the country, on purpose, and I can no longer see the stars.
I've had the police called on me for trespassing while I hadn't left my yard. Kenny and Ivy have both have had the police called on them. The police department told them the last time they came to stop calling unless it was an emergency or a law had been broken.
As there is no heavy traffic, no contact with the neighbors whatsoever, and no laws being broken on my property, I was sure they would give up.
I had a dream Wednesday that the Health Department was dispatched to my home. In my dream they inspected my house and told me my neighbors were tired of my filth. I woke up and I remember thinking that I was being ridiculous. My home is very clean. I have an exterminator, so my home is bug and rodent free. I chastised myself for letting my mind run crazy like that.
So yesterday I was sitting with a friend drinking coffee and I got up to go to the bathroom. I noticed my neighbors face in my window and also saw two people with name tags on their clothes inspecting the side of my house. I started shaking. I knew it wasn't good. Ivy has had enough of this and is now scared of the police. I knew it was going to be another big ordeal. I sent my friend to speak to them until I could catch my breath and calm down.
She came back into my bedroom and said, "Remember that dream you told me about? Well, two people from the Health Department want to speak to you."
They informed me that they had been dispatched on a complaint that I was leaking RAW SEWAGE into the neighbors property. Upon examination of the leak, they found that there was in fact a leak, a very small one. They said it made a tiny drop every thirty seconds. They said it was GROUND WATER, aka clean water coming from an elbow joint in my plumbing. I explained my crazy neighbor situation and asked if they knew of anyone I could go to and have this harassment stopped. I have already spoken to the police and was told that I couldn't do anything. They shook their heads and apologized for this mess. Then they informed me that the leak wasn't considered a hazard, but I did need to call them once the leak was fixed. Apparently when they get a claim, they have to come and insure it's been fixed.
I was so angry. This is the fifth time my friend has been here when I've had to talk to some official someone instead of visiting with her. Ivy thinks the police are people that come when your neighbors are angry. I have always tried to teach her that the police are here to help us, and that if she's ever in trouble or lost, she should go to a police person if she can find one. She told me recently, that if she were ever lost, she would find someone she knew instead of the police, cause the police are scary. Great.
Now, keep in mind, I do not speak to these people. I even go so far as to avoid eye contact. We avoid their properties like the plague. I've started to get anxiety attacks when a car pulls into the neighborhood that I don't recognize. I'm afraid I will lose my dogs. That they will get taken to the pound for no reason, and I won't have the money to retrieve them. I am afraid that child protection will be the next to arrive, as I can't imagine that they have anyone else to try to contact now that the police have warned them to stop making frivolous calls.
I am afraid of being here once the baby is born, stitches to my belly button and sore with Ivy and a new baby to care for and some sort of official knocking at my door. I feel bullied. I am angry. I have been letting this mess go, and refusing to get upset. I've had talks with Ivy about the nature of those people and what we can learn from them as far as how not to treat people. Those lessons are going unlearned as we ignore them and they don't stop.
I am an intelligent person. I don't tend to be argumentative or confrontational. I take care of my home and my child. All they've ever had to do was knock on my door and tell ME what was bothering them. I would have made an effort to fix it. I can only guess that all of this is not really about me, as I truly have done nothing to earn all of this. The police have never filed an actual report against me. The pound knew they were lying and my dog didn't get taken. The electric company suggested a civil suit which I can't afford. all of these official people know I have done nothing wrong, but the harassment continues.
I deal with their lights illuminating the inside of my home at night. I live with the constant threat of police knocking on my door and scaring my daughter. I don't invite many people over because it would be quite embarrassing when the police or God knows who else come knocking. Like I said, yesterday was the fifth time my friend had come over and I've had to spend at least an hour talking to someone who was spitefully sent here.
When the police came over the fence issue, the police man asked my neighbor, why she couldn't just knock on my door and ask me to move the fence and why did she hate me so. She replied, "Because she (pointing at me) needs to learn to keep her bodily fluids off of my husband!" I wanted to melt into my driveway. She isn't married and doesn't even have a boyfriend. I feel stupid even typing that, but it's an example of the ignorance surrounding all of this craziness.
How do you deal with unjustified hatred directed at your family? I've been dealing with this gracefully since Zoe died, but I don't know how much longer I can do that.
Don't I have the same right to raise a family and own a home and have peace in that home as everyone else?
Why won't the police in my city protect me and my child and my guests from this insane harassment?
I have nice neighbors. We take each other dinner and our kids play together. After the incident yesterday, they called me over to talk. This lady was pregnant right after I lost Zoe. Apparently, she had been called to the evil neighbors house back then and told that while she was at work, I was sneaking over to her house and messing with her husband (who is twenty years older than me). She didn't believe them and never told me about it as she knew I was dealing with enough already. The nice neighbor and her husband told me yesterday how sorry they were that I was being bullied this way. They said enough was enough and they would be witnesses to this insanity if I could find anyone to listen. They've heard their fair share of lies about me and are tired of the police etc. being on our street every week. They've called some sort of comission about the half burnt house, but nothing has been done.
I don't know what to do. I own this home and it isn't payed for. I would have to rent it out if I wanted to move elsewhere, and I doubt that any tenant would stay any length of time because of these people. I feel cornered. I have done nothing but try. I can't stop thinking about this, but I don't know what I can do to fix it.
I'm stuck in a battle I didn't start and I won't fight fire with fire, as tempting as that may be.
Any suggestions or ideas? Anyone?!?!

Gotta hurry..

2010-02-11T04:32:00.000-08:00

I am SO tired and I have another full day today. I saw the MFM yesterday. I tested positive for two of the seven clotting disorders they tested for. My little boy is 2lbs,8 oz and I saw him in 4-d. He has Kenny's nose but otherwise looks just like Ivy. He had his foot on his forehead, on the bridge of his nose. He stuck his tongue out at us and we got a picture of that. This doctor was very sympathetic when I explained my fear of the cesarean. I told him in detail what happened when Zoe was born and I explained how terrified I am to be cut while aware. He offered to deliver the baby, in my town under general anesthesia even though he rarely delivers babies anymore. We're actually going to try to do the cesarean while awake with a promise for anti-anxiety meds to be on standby and injected as soon as the baby is out. This way, I'll get to see the baby, and know he's ok, but be relaxed enough to let them complete a tubal litigation and sew me up. If the anxiety meds aren't strong enough, he'll sedate me, but it won't be a general anesthetic. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel like there are a few people who don't want me to go through any unnecessary trauma, and these people have offered to have my care transferred to them.
Today I go to the old fart doctor the the glucose test and then back to the MFM to see if they are going to transfer my care to them (for sure) and to learn to inject myself with the Levenox I will be taking now daily. Fun.
I'm planning a big nap this afternoon and Ivy's dad has offered to keep her tonight so that I can sleep in tomorrow, but now I have to get myself ready to drive to another city and drink the sugar water before driving back to my own city to the MFM all the while praying and hoping that he actually decides to deliver this baby. If so I will sign the transfer papers today.
So, yeah, I feel better, I'm just tired and I can't quite relax with these things still up in the air.
I better get going. Oh, and it's snowing outside. Living in Louisiana, you don't get snow very often. Usually you don't even see it once in a few years. This is the second time this year!

Someone better listen..

2010-02-07T12:47:00.000-08:00

If I can't get a medical professional to understand how TERRIFIED I am of this cesarean, and offer me some course of action other than, 'just lay there, it won't take long, you won't feel it..etc' I will keep this baby inside FOREVER!

Lindsay and Ivy's Sunday

2010-02-02T05:52:00.000-08:00

This is the post that would have been published yesterday, but, well, yesterday really sucked.
I had been promising Ivy we would make terrariums and Sunday seemed like a great day to have some one on one time with her before she went to school for the week.
We collected some jars and some charcoal and some crushed shell..

We went to my neighbors house (not the mean ones) that borders some woods and started looking for moss..

I snapped some pretty pictures of the moss growing on the roots of a pine tree..

Ivy decided to be really silly for a picture..

Then for some strange reason she started to shake a small tree back and forth. It was cute and she was having fun being silly with her mom...

We looked and looked and found some pretty peices of lush green 'carpet'..

We washed the extra dirt off in a puddle of cold water...

Look Ivy!

Then we sat down and started to put them together.

Ivy was doing a very good job and really focusing..lol

We're finished!

aren't they beautiful!

We really had a good time. They are sitting on our kitchen table now as it is too cold I think to put them in the windows. All the greenery has survived so far and I hope they continue to grow. I read online to put activated charcoal in them to prevent a rotten smell, so we'll see. I haven't seen any little critters in them so far and I didn't add any pesticide as that kind of went against the whole 'natural' thing.
Soon, we plan to make some little decorations out of clay and stick them inside. Mushrooms or little acorn houses perhaps?
We'll see what we come up with and I'll be sure to post pictures of our whimsical little terrariums once we finish.
Oh, and one more thing.. I LOVE this girl! She's given me some of the best years of my life and I'm sure there will be more to come. She gave me something to live for, to heal for, when I lost Zoe and she gives me hope everyday. I look at her and know that I can and have brought a healthy baby safely from my womb to this earth.
I was so young when I had her, but I always worked hard to nuture her and give her a happy childhood. This girl reminds me that I have done a good job. My sacrifices have been trivial compared to the lovely little girl that I have the pleasure of raising into a beautiful woman.
I love my Ivy!

Here it is..

2010-02-01T07:33:00.000-08:00

Kenny and I are not together anymore. I hope I have the strength to do what it takes to get this baby here safe and sound. I didn't have that strength before, with Zoe, obviously. I failed to mention before that the specialist I saw told me he could see no other reason for her death but me.
I hope I don't kill this one too, for how would I ever survive the guilt. Like my dad said yesterday, "Be careful, cause if something happens to this baby, you will hate yourself."
And he's right.

Hi,bye..

2010-01-22T13:25:00.000-08:00

Oh man, what a week. The crafts have been on hold and the house has been collecting dust and bills and I have been out of it. My crazy neighbors are out to drive me crazy and Kenny and I have not been doing so great.
So, I spent the morning dusting, sweeping, mopping and washing and now it's about time to get me clean too.
I guess I'll take a bath and then put on a movie.
I wish I had something insightful to write or some inspiration I found, but no, it's completely boring around here or complete chaos. There is no middle ground.
I'll try to enjoy having the house to myself and forget how lonely I feel today.

Baby's good!

2010-01-19T09:00:00.001-08:00

The baby is measuring just about a week behind but looks perfect. They are putting me on partial bed rest and checking for clotting disorders. (Thanks Margaret!)
Thank you guys so much for your well wishes, I was really freaking out there for a minute!

Almost time..

2010-01-19T04:04:00.000-08:00

I'm getting ready and I have a swarm of hornets in my stomach. God, please..I need good news today or no bad news at least. I am such a worrier and my mind needs no fuel for more worry. Please, please, please let my baby be just fine..please. I'll never tempt fate again, just please help me get this baby here safe and sound. Please let this doctor be kind and patient. I'm scared...

Quickie..

2010-01-17T07:07:00.000-08:00

The energy and interest in finishing my mobile isn't there at the moment.
This little boy seems to be trying to show me he's ok. He's been kicking very often and it eases my mind (some). I read online that a sick baby will become listless and not move much.
I am reading The Host, by Stephanie Meyer. I don't think I mentioned that I read the entire Twilight series over four days around Christmas. Someone gave me the first two before the holidays so I went from swearing I wouldn't ever read them to devouring them in a few sittings. Silly me..
Books seem to be the only thing that can hold my attention for more than a few minutes.

A little more positive today..

2010-01-15T12:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was horrible. I just could not imagine that there was a possibility things could be fine in the end with this little one. I was anxious and the words kept buzzing around in my head 'he's measuring two and a half to three weeks too small' over and over.
I went to bed early and slept for twelve hours. When I woke up I had the same phrase buzzing around and I didn't know what to do with myself.
I got dressed and went to do a few errands and thought..a lot.
This child is going to live or he isn't. I know I'm not immune to having this happen twice. Worrying won't secure a future for this little one but it can drive me insane and keep me stressed. I don't want that.
I've decided to just decide that what will be will be. I may change my mind at my appointment on Tuesday, as I want so badly for this to be a miscalculation by the doctor.
I'm trying to lean on your comments and just hope for the best. Dr. could have been off or the boy could be just little or he may catch up in the next twelve weeks. At this point nothing is set in stone..yet.

Not great news...

2010-01-14T11:58:00.000-08:00

The good news is, I'm having a boy.
The bad news is, he is measuring three weeks behind.
The doctor was not reassuring and gave no clues.
He's in there, his organs are well formed but he is too tiny and no one knows why.
I see a specialist of some sort in a week.
This is not what I was expecting. I am angry now that my doctor hasn't performed more scans. I'm afraid, very afraid and I covet any opinions, prayers, well wishes, anything.
I know this isn't good. I don't know how I will get through this week of waiting.
I am helpless..

Two hours..

2010-01-14T05:19:00.000-08:00

In two hours, I will more than likely find out if I am carrying a little boy baby or a little girl.
Around this time with Zoe, I went for one of the many ultrasounds I had with her, and they informed me she had an echogenic focus. They told me it was probably nothing (nothing?!) or something that would resolve itself before birth, don't worry they said. Yeah right.
They sent me to a fetal heart specialist, who told me he wasn't concerned, but couldn't explain what it actually was. Great, thanks doc..
It turned out to be nothing, I supposed and was told, as when she was born, her heart was one of her strongest organs.
I still wonder if that little white glitch on the ultrasound screen, didn't have something to do with the tragic way my daughter came into this world.

So, here's hoping that only little girl or boy parts get attention today. (Why my 'high risk' doctor only gives his patients two scans in forty weeks is beyond me)

Mobile pre-assembly spoiler..

2010-01-10T10:50:00.000-08:00

I can't wait to show you how I plan to assemble all these little pieces into a fun, suspended piece of art!

Fear of the unknown..

2010-01-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

I have always believed in God to some extent. When I was younger, I may have also believed in a goddess or two however for the most part, I have been a Christian.
I've always prayed, since I was a little girl and I have felt that those prayers were heard. I felt loved, sometimes in a powerful way. I've prayed the same prayer with Ivy since she was a little baby and still do.
When I was pregnant with Zoe (and a bit before) my beliefs took a turn to the left and I entertained some different ideas. I analyzed different possibilities. I began to feel farther from God. My life was more chaos at the time than I care to explain. Zoe's dad reads this blog and I don't want to argue the details. No one could argue that it got crazy around here. Then I woke up that horrible morning trying to talk myself out of the fact that something was very wrong. When I got to the hospital and realized things were indeed very bad, no one would tell me what was happening even as they started prepping my tummy and screaming at one another for supplies. I was terrified for my baby and I prayed for her to be alright. I prayed until the ceiling crumpled down and the room turned black. When I woke up I prayed. I prayed for three weeks. I did feel a powerful peace as my daughter died in my arms. I felt a powerful peace leaving the hospital without her. It started to wane around the time of her funeral and slowly disappeared. I can not tell you the last time I have felt true peace. My closeness to God had been tinged by my own guilt and anger. I did not feel like my prayers were heard or that they meant much. Didn't I spend weeks on my knees asking God to heal my little girl? If those prayers didn't matter then, why would they matter when I'm praying for someone else's little girl?
I feel like I pray now because I feel like I'm supposed to. I seek that closeness with God, but since I'm trying to be very honest here, I don't feel it.
It's hard to resolve her death to anything else but that it just happened. There are certainly things I could have done to help her chances before the abruption in my opinion. I had doctors tell me that I couldn't have done anything while other ones told me I could have.
The point of all this is that I still try, and probably always will as far as God is concerned but sadly that relationship has certainly suffered and I'm afraid that I will be 'punished' for it. It sounds ridiculous, I get that, but that doesn't change anything.

Let's move on, shall we?

Things in my household have been a little tense. I've recently learned that quite a few people IRL read this blog, just never comment. It's been hard for me to come here and be honest about my family situation or anything else really, not knowing who was reading and why. Today I decided that it didn't matter who is reading. I write here for my own sanity.
I have been thinking of the entrance of this baby into the world. I fear that I will abrupt before my scheduled cesarean. I am afraid of being awake if I do make it to the scheduled cesarean. I've had a few surgeries and I've always been asleep. I am terrified of seeing all those instruments all lined up and ready, so for the last two, I asked to be knocked out before I went to the operating room. The anesthesiologists did it that way and I was fine. I have no chance of that happening now. I don't know how I will quiet my imagination long enough to go in that sterile operating room fully alert and knowing what is too come. Yes it is the birth of my child, but it will also be major surgery without general anesthesia.
I know that there are some of you who have had one and think I'm being silly. I know I'm silly. I'm also very scared. The last time I was cut open I was terrified and needing answers that weren't coming. They were strapping down my arms and yelling at me to be still as my baby and I were in a lot of danger. I was in so much pain and I was so afraid. I don't know how to see it any other way than how my experience defined it in my mind.
I spoke to my doctor about all of this and he more or less gave me the ole' pat on the back, 'It'll be just fine' routine. It didn't help at all.
So, that's where I've been. Trying to navigate the bumps in my relationship with Kenny while trying to get mentally prepared for a new baby while feeling incredible fearful of the actual event or the not making it until said event.
I just want to fast-forward to happy mommy, healthy baby, at home, in peace. I really hope that I get there. I hope that is what is waiting at the end of this. Happy mommy, healthy baby, at home, in peace...

Temperament..

2010-01-04T07:23:00.000-08:00

I have a tendency to allow the term 'artist' to define my feelings about myself. I get very moody when I'm not working.Every year that goes by that I don't show my art at all, feels like a void, a waste.
I read the memoirs and biographies of other artists and poets in history and nod my head as I read about their behavioral patterns. Hopefully I'm not destined to the fates of many of my favorites.
I've been diagnosed with manic-depression and I take a small amount of medicine for it. I've gone the no med route and, call me weak, but I can't for long.
I've been re-reading one of my old books about manic depressive illness in relation to the artistic temperament. Much of it reads like my life.
I get low and I can't be deeply productive. I can needle felt, and create with my hands, but I feel hollow and I sit near a half started canvas with one of my best ideas in a while and wonder why I can't just pick it up and finish.(I've tried that before, being in a state of mind similar to the one I'm in now and really ruined it)

The feeling HAS to be there. It's like a channel that opens.
It's more than a matter of motivation. Things have to click into place for me to sit, and bare my soul through a brush.
The last very real, raw painting that I did is also the last one I have worked on. I studied the colors and lines in my face and tried to capture my essence truthfully. I know I did well. I was in that 'place'.
I haven't put my mind to task and it leaves me feeling worthless.
I haven't posted to my blog because I have been feeling awkward and nutty, and I couldn't bring myself to post nonsense about my day to day life.
I chose instead to post the truth.
I haven't been painting, or doing anything to put my work out there, and I feel empty. I'm not living up to my potential and I'm a bit lost right now.

And some thing's odd...within..
That person that I was...
And this one...do not feel the same..
Could it be Madness...this?
-Emily Dickinson-

Please..kick me..

2009-12-27T11:10:00.000-08:00

I've been around. I've been busy. I've been ok-ish. Christmas passed in a blur of last minute gifts and cooking and schedules. I wanted so bad to grasp a bit of Christmas 'spirit' but it was a struggle.
I've been in a mood. I want to paint landscapes in blacks and reds and pour all of this out onto a canvas, but I can't get my head where it needs to be to accomplish that. I crave my own company and listen to Radiohead instead.
I'm very behind on reading blogs and I've received some very kind e-mails and I just can't seem to bring myself to respond to them yet. (You know you are. Sorry I'm such a freak that I can't fake the funk and send you a heart-felt response, but it will come I promise).I pass on making myself take belly pics every Wednesday. I'm beginning to feel some animosity (I think) due to my lack of enthusiasm, but it may be all in my head, like the rest of it. I may be depressed, who knows.
I've always been driven by one passion or another and I thought it drove me crazy. I think I may feel more crazy when I try to conjure something to be passionate about and fall short, for that day at least.
When I feel like this I tend to put on some linen pants and a sarong and wash my face, and I feel more human. I've thought about it today, but my feet will just not get warm. I'll take socks and yoga pants today please. Think I could get my hands on a horse tranquilizer while I'm at it? (Sorry, my dark humor is oozing out)

..Such a pretty house and such a pretty garden.. no alarms and no surprises..please...

The reason:

2009-12-20T13:47:00.000-08:00

I have a hard time going to visit my daughter's grave, is the fact that I imagine her tiny body rotting beneath the ground. I wish I would have had her creamated when she died, but I had no experience with dead babies at that point, and I did what I thought was best. I used to picture her like the photo on my sidebar, the way she looked when I had her little body placed there. Now? Well I won't go into the details but it kills me to think of what nature has done to her now.
I 'know' she isn't there but...

20 weeks

2009-12-16T05:51:00.000-08:00

I've made it halfway, now let's see if I can make it the other half and hit the bonus; Healthy Baby.
I feel like I am too small to be at the end of my fifth month. I go to the doctor tomorrow, but I'm fairly certain he will not do much to ease my fears.
Shouldn't I be bigger than this in my third pregnancy?
Anyway, that's how it is now. Worry, and lots of it. Four and a half months feels like a second, or an eternity away.

See It's not so bad..

2009-12-14T14:04:00.001-08:00

I'm sure you've all seen my sad posts and lack of posts and imagined me on the couch, arms crossed having very Grinchlike thoughts.
This is all mostly true. I even put the Grinch theme song on my cell, so now every time I get a call I listen to...Your a mean one..Mr.Grinch...
So, yeah, you get the drift. Christmas is coming and I haven't been feeling it.
This morning however, I shook off the scrooge dust and got to work.
I dusted, swept, vacuumed, mopped, ran laundry AND...made cookies!
I have an older neighbor who used to actually be my boss, whose wife went down south for Christmas with her family right around the time he came down with pneumonia.
So, yeah, while these are certainly not professional, they're bound to at least make him chuckle. They're glazed first, then decorated...sugar rush inevitable.

(I bought green and red swirl cookie icing. Bad idea. Green and red make brown)
I feel a bit lighter now having done something a bit festive, and now I'm having a burst of energy.
I believe I'll take advantage of it and look up a good recipe for Italian meatballs and get them baking. I can feel the bathtub calling and the energy spurt waning.
I better hurry.
Everyone that may be waiting on any sort of mail from me, please know it's coming. I have not forgotten The days have gotten away from me and the funds are in the red. I'm really sorry, really.
I'm off now..xo

25 days of Giveaways!

2009-12-10T04:28:00.000-08:00

Today I am hosting Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways!
Today I am offering a 3in needle felted teddy bear!
He is hand needle felted by yours truly, using New Zealand Corriedale wool roving. He is cream and chocolate colored. I will be making a bear for the winner, so you can choose what colors you would like him to have.
Leave a comment on this post to enter to win this needle felted teddy bear!
I will put all the names into a hat and let Miss Ivy pick a winner.(This is just more fun for her than random.org) I will announce the winners tonight.

You guys have a Happy Holiday! Thank you for stopping by!

The winner is Zachary's mom! (Sorry, I'm terrible at posting links) Congrats! I will send you an e-mail shortly to find out what color you would like..

Much better...

2009-12-08T12:19:00.000-08:00

Things have obviously not been going so great in my household. I was feeling very alone and depressed. Kenny and I talked very seriously yesterday and I think it did some good finally. The rest of yesterday was spent with me resting and Kenny taking care of Ivy. Today has been quiet, which is a good thing.
I don't know exactly what's going on, but the 'morning sickness' seems to have returned and I'm unable to keep much from coming back up. I had hyperemesis gravidorum with Ivy and I really hope that's not what's going on. I do not wish to be sick for five more months and the medicine really keeps you knocked out.
It's very hard to believe that I'm over the halfway mark with this new little one.(I'll be going for my scheduled cesarean on 4-21 or 4-28 next year) I don't look or feel very big and my doctor only does two scans, one at four months and one at six months. I worry that the baby isn't as big as it should be or that I don't have enough fluid around the baby. My other doctor would do an ultrasound any time I was worried about the baby, to put my anxious mind at ease. It makes no sense to me that I'm now going to a high-risk ob and he doesn't believe in multiple scans. I really don't want to wait until the middle of January to know that my baby is just fine. I hate feeling helpless.
Anyway, I wanted to post a little update to let everyone know that my situation is improving and I'm feeling quite relieved. Nauseous, but relieved, however that works.
I'll be hosting Tina's giveaway tomorrow, so be sure to check back and see what I'm giving away. I'm also planning a post with a belly pic, as I should be better at taking them since this will be my last pregnancy and I will appreciate it later on.
See you guys tomorrow...

Found another one..

2009-12-06T13:08:00.000-08:00

One of my good friends took this at Zoe's funeral. He was sadly, one of the ones who turned his back on me due to 'the bully'. Anyway, the preacher was reading a letter that I had written to Zoe the night before.

Dearest Zoe,
As I am writing this, I'm unsure as to how I could possibly put on paper what you mean to me. In your short time on this earth, you taught some people how to love, to forgive and to put away the past. So many forgot their anger and their grudges for a moment, to pray for you and show me support.
You were given the chance to show your strength and your beautiful fighting spirit.
At times I wish we could have gone together, to the place you now call home. I am comforted to know that you are with our fellow friends and family who have gone ahead of us. I suppose God had more planned for me. I'm sorry your mommy can't be with you anymore. You'll always be my baby girl. I'll always hold you in my heart though I am so very sad that I will never hold you in my arms again.
I am so grateful to have changed your little diapers. I am blessed to have been the one to hold and comfort you as you so peacefully took your leave.
This world never deserved to have you in it. I will happily leave here one day to see your beautiful face once more.
I will miss you terribly. I will always feel your absence.
I love you my little Zoe-Beth. I know I will hold you again someday.
Your Mommy

I miss her. I never feel her. Angie's post this morning reflected the way I feel about Zoe in many ways. I don't feel her on the wind, or in my dreams. How did I already know that I would only feel her loss? It doesn't feel like she is all around me. It feels like she is dead.

What is all that white stuff??

2009-12-04T12:52:00.000-08:00

It's SNOW!! Those of you who don't live here have no idea how awesome this is. Every now and again we get ice storms and the snow is mixed with freezing rain and the power goes out and no one wants to be outside to watch. This though, is white fluffy specks falling softly all around. It is otherwise clear and cold.
Forgive me if I sound ridiculous, but man, it's georgeous. I really needed this today. You guys who get snow every year probably don't get it, but it never snows here really, till today. :) I'm so excited, I feel like a little kid and that too is rare around here.

Looking backward for a moment..

2009-12-04T06:57:00.000-08:00

This was taken at a family reunion, the end of October. Zoe had been buried less than two weeks. Why I decided to go to this particular event, so soon after losing her, I can only guess that I felt obligated to be there with Ivy.
We go to a lake, in the middle of the woods (note cypress moss hanging from the trees) and stare at a fire and eat and if there's enough water in the lake, fish. There are quite a few very redneck activities that civilized people like my family only do in the woods, away from the city like snipe hunts, trailer rides to spotlight possums and sending the little kids out there to catch them, which they never do, stuff like that.
Everyone knew my daughter had just died. There was a family tree, on the back wall of the large meeting space where we all eat. I ran my finger along it, followed my grandparents and found my father and then me and my sister. (I'll bet you didn't know I had a sister) Branching off from our names were my nephew's name and Ivy's. Where was Zoe's? I searched around and found a marker and a piece of paper, and I wrote her name and I put it there and no one said a word. It's still there now, when they put it up every year. She was part of our family. She was one of my children. Did they think I wouldn't notice?!
Since I was a little child, this reunion lasted for nearly three days. We stay in tents or cabins by the woods and cook everything there. That year, I stayed for part of one day and happily went home.
I don't feel close to my family anymore. They were always mostly emotionally unavailable, except for the emotion that they displayed while they were gossiping about you in a boat or at the sink or in a deer stand. These days, I feel very alone at family functions and they seem to lack the small bits of warmth that I remember from my childhood. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I truly think when my grandmother dies, we will all drift inward to our immediate family and be forced to create new traditions. It's very sad that life does this to families. It proves that bitterness is the ice that freezes in the rock.

To do, or not to do?

2009-12-03T05:44:00.000-08:00

What do you do when someone will not compromise? When they refuse to even have a civil discussion? When they seep with bitterness and anger and you cannot fathom why?
How do you remove yourself from the line of fire, without removing yourself from the entire range?
I have nothing but questions in my mind, and sadness. I should not be focused on all of this as there is a itty-bitty one that needs me to remember to eat, to drink enough water, TO REST! There is a not-so-itty-bitty one that should not be worrying about her mother.
I have no idea where this post is going. I hate to publish this drivel, but I need some feedback. I have no experience with what seems like someone else having extreme bitterness. I try very hard not to think about this situation constantly, but can I just say, for the record, I don't want to give both of my children to someone else, every other weekend. I want a family. I used to feel like I had a family. I don't know why it feels like it is slowly falling apart.

Lazy (craft) day

2009-11-28T10:24:00.000-08:00

Today, the jammies are staying on and the mascara is being skipped. I'm declaring today my 'craft day' and my little handiworks are taking center stage. I have to make two things for the blogosphere and finish my mobile. I've had some good ideas for my hummingbird's wings. I think an irredescent green would make a lovely add-on and help mimic constant movement. I'm still wondering if I can manage tiny wire feet for all six birds.
Ivy is at her dad's until Monday and I'm trying to not feel lonely. Kenny and I are not as close as we have been in the past. I have never had an easy time of being pregnant, even when things are going perfectly. We are simply in different places emotionally and I have become somewhat withdrawn. I don't feel I have the freedom to make emotional outbursts or expressions even. Let's just say that there is some anger, seemingly directed at me, but truly I don't know what it's there for. It hurts and it's alienating and it can come with no warning. I am not good at being yelled at. It hurts and then I put on my tough girl mask and cry behind it.
So, yeah, I'm going to have a quiet day of working with my hands and trying to keep myself good company. There is something so calming about creating and I am blessed to have the abilty to sit around and create. I love watching my imagination turn into something tangible.
I am very excited about finally getting all of my packages in the mail and reading the response to them. I really feel led to try and bless others this holiday season. I hope it gives me the feeling of connection that I so long for right now.
I'm really struggling. I really feel alienated and like everyone is done hearing about the one who was lost. I feel like the people close to me now would like me to accept that this pregnancy is some guarantee, when I know it's a hope, not an absolute. I cannot feel any other way but guarded and shy about it.
Hopefully it will get better, all of it, very soon...

Here and there and Thanksgiving too...

2009-11-25T08:40:00.000-08:00

My hair is pulled up in pigtails and I'm almost ready to face the world. I got a mortgage to pay and some felt to find that matches two of the birds I'm making for a mobile.
This week I have tried to get into the Christmas spirit by participating in a blog giveaway and a gift swap. More about those later in the week..
So, every day, I build up motivation, write an incredibly long (and impossible) to-do list and then I do half the things listed and get too tired and usually pass out before I can tuck Ivy into bed. Then I wake up the next day, feeling unaccomplished, lay in bed until I hear Kenny making coffee, fight anxiety, get up, read your posts and repeat.
Everyday, I try an conjure up the Christmas spirit, which works for about an hour. I'll decide to put up the tree and make hot-chocolate and then it leaves me drained and I decide to do it tomorrow. Today is the third tomorrow and I don't see it getting done today, much to Ivy's dismay.
I was amazed at your encouragement on my 'bully' blog and amused to see my followers (anyone else hate that term?) go down by two. I won't miss them, I'm sure. I was sad to see how many of you also have dealt with terrible meanness while trying to grieve your loss/es. It's so sad to me, that so-called 'civilized' 'people' can be so cruel and controlling when something so devastating occurs to a 'friend'. Goes to show that it pays to be picky about who you let deep into your life.
Just makes me all the more thankful that this community exists.
(Warning, talk of babies and pregnancy below)
As far as the itty-bitty one, I'm 17wks today. I feel little jabs and pokes and sometimes it tickles me and I can't help but giggle. Other times, I look down at my belly and feel..nothing. It makes me feel guilty but honestly, I've never been terribly gushy about my pregnancies. With Ivy, I had that naive hope that we all did at first and I thought morning sickness (or hyperemesis gravidorum in my case) was the worst that could happen, to me at least. With Zoe, I never could picture bringing her home, or raising her for that matter. I half-heartedly (yes, I know that's not a word, but it should be) helped arrange her nursery and if I'm being honest, I was angry and bitchy the majority of the time. I'm not sure why I never could picture her an old woman. Instincts? Maybe?
I've always had good instincts, but with an anxiety disorder, you get a gut-feeling mixed up with an irrational fear. Deep down I know the difference and SHOULD listen to my 'gut' more often. Anyway, way off track here, my point is, that in this pregnancy, I'm not looking ahead. I'm just letting it all happen as it happens. There are plenty of people who don't understand this IRL. Kenny even thinks losing Zoe is the same as his sister's early miscarriages. May I mention, that it's hard to go through a pregnancy after loss, with someone who has never had a child die. It's lonely already, but this is VERY lonely emotionally. My mom says I'm always in a foul mood, but damn, I'm trying hard here.
Ambivalence is the best I can muster some days.
I'm not a horrible ungrateful brat. I'm guarded and shy and getting on as best I can manage.

(abrupt subject change)

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm going to list ten things I'm very thankful for. I
believe that this is probably more exciting than my now daily 'to-do' list.
They are not in order of importance, they are just listed as they come to mind. I urge you all to do the same on your own blogs. It may just be good for you. I'll tell you when I'm finished.

Lindsay's List
I am thankful for:
1)My life. I've nearly lost it and been given it back. I may not always like it, but I'm thankful for it.
2)My family. The ones I truly consider family in my heart, not necessarily the ones I'm related to.
3)Kenny. We don't always see things the same and he snores but I thank God that he's in my life.
4)Ivy. I love every second of being that creative and adorable girls' mother.
5)Zoe. She taught me more about the world in nineteen days than I'd learned in twenty-six years. She was perfect and sweet and fought like a soldier.
6)Lucy and Toby. One's a dog and one's a cat, but they know me, and they've been through the rough patches of life with me, patiently, and still love me.
7)Good food.
8)Creativity. Mine, yours, doesn't matter. The urge to create and the process in which you carry out your idea is so beautiful to me. It's a sixth sense (or seventh) and an evolving force.
9)The kind and amazing friends I've met in this strange, sad babyloss community. To read similar stories and to be told to keep my chin up or to have a good day, does good for my soul and puts a smile on my face.
10)The itty bitty one still inside and the hope that it makes it outside and lives to one day bury me instead of the other way around.

Well, there's my list. I encourage you to make one of your own. It felt pretty good even if I'm now leaving the house in yesterday's mascara.
Sorry for being all over the place. Very indicative of my emotions right now.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone..tomorrow.
XO

On bullies..

2009-11-20T07:02:00.000-08:00

I was going through some old e-mails online. Old friends and unread Myspace messages from months ago. Blogs from a friend since the second grade, who I no longer talk to. Old friends (relatives even) who no longer contact me.
Losing Zoe was not what changed everything with many people. It was a mean girl I've mentioned before on my blog, who was there for me throughout Zoe's hospital stay, funeral and all.
She invited me to a Halloween party a very short time after Zoe died. I didn't want to go. I begged her to look after me, so to speak, as I felt weak, and the very thought of a party made me feel ill. She promised. She lied. Some serious things transpired at that party. She did in fact leave me all alone and managed to make out with Ivy's father in front of a car in her driveway, as I sat watching them from a darkened porch with my own eyes. Ivy's father had been helping me, as I was single and grieving and felt very ill-equipped to handle a hyper five year old every minute. He had asked for us to try things again. Claiming we were older and maybe, just maybe, things would work out this time.
That party insured that never became much more than a thought.
That was my first attempt at being social after Zoe's death. I knew it was too soon, but I thought that if I had friends (and Ivy's father) there to keep an eye on me, or take me home when I felt uncomfortable, I could do it. Wrong. He was too drunk to take me home. I still had stitches up to my belly button and wasn't allowed to drive myself, and he had a standard anyway and I only drive an automatic. I had to keep my mouth shut as I was too afraid to cause a scene. They both knew I saw them and said nothing.
I called her the next morning, and simply asked her why. She pretended to have no idea what I was talking about. I was beyond angry. Posts started showing up on the internet, that I had taken pills and drank alcohol while pregnant. She wrote a poem depicting me as a little spider. A spider that she was going to pry her friends and family from and eventually squash. Yes, it was very immature, but she did it, half of it anyway. I had childhood friends, who I only kept up with on the internet, that have long since moved away and family that I didn't think even knew her, contacting me. Asking why I was being so horrible to this poor girl. It was horrible.
There are people in real life, who will read this and think I just won't leave it alone. Most of these are the same people who were manipulated by her, and will never know the whole story.
None of this matters to me.
My whole point in all of this is that I feel that had this incident never happened, and I hadn't lost so many friends and even family because of the awkwardness this situation caused, I would have had more support while grieving Zoe. I often wonder if I would still have developed the social anxiety that continues to this day.
I was so alone. I couldn't trust anyone. I really hate to even admit how much this situation affected my grief.
Months later this person was still going online telling people that I was using my dead baby for attention.
Is that why I lurked around bloglang for nearly a year, terrified to write publicly about the loss I'd experienced?
Sometimes I think so.
It amazes me to think, that the actions of one person, could affect the way someone grieves. That one could cause another to hide their sadness form the world
for fear of being chastised.
I realize now, that I just let ALL my friends just slip away after that. I learned how easily a friend could turn on you. I stopped caring to meet new people. I isolated myself. I depended on things I'd rather not mention, to help me get through those lonely days. I wasn't very good to myself.
I look through the contacts on my phone often. It's sad to see how many people that I used to think would do anything for me. It's sad how many of them I'll never call and will never call me.
I truly believe that I have found some real friends here. There are some of you that I know will always read, who care about what is going on in my life. I've received the sweetest gifts in the mail and I go about my day thinking of many of you.
I hope that I don't go the rest of my life not meeting any of you. I would love to give a hug, to each and every one of you who has helped to make this a more beautiful, hopeful and less lonesome time for me.

I feel safe posting this here. I know perhaps some of you will understand this.
Have any of you been hurt by someone you thought you could trust in the midst of grieving your child/ren?

16 wks and more time alone..

2009-11-19T13:02:00.000-08:00

Today I am 16 wks 1 day. I went to the doctor this morning with Kenny. Everything seemed fine. They did that blood test to check for genetic markers for Downs and something else. I just wanted out of there. I don't know why I hate going to the doctor so much.
On the way home, Kenny says,"They want me to come back for strike." Which in English means that one of his bosses, who just sent him back home, called him and asked him to come back and finish tearing down the set. He'll be here for Thanksgiving. The Christmas shopping is now officially my duty.
I just caught a break. I don't want to be pregnant alone. I will be strong though. I once put together Christmas singlehandedly, three months after burying my daughter. I can do this.
I don't wanna...

We're back!

2009-11-16T05:51:00.000-08:00

We are home, yes WE! Kenny was told on Friday that they were done with most everything, and our hotel was paid up until Sunday afternoon, so we took advantage and enjoyed the city.
I got to spend some quality time with Kenny and one of my best friends. We ate quite a few meals together. One night she cooked red beans and rice, and we ate often at a small French cafe.(If you're in Baton Rouge, go to Le Madeleine..yumm)
I slept in every day and got dressed at my leisure.
Kenny must have really missed us because he was in the mood to spoil. He picked out a very old fashioned wooden music box for Ivy and had it beautifully gift wrapped for her at a boutique. We also bought her a pearl and pink crystal bracelet with a tiny silver cross on it, for her to put inside.
I got expensive truffles and a necklace that is exactly my style in bold silver and wood. I haven't taken it off yet.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love that man? I should, much more often.

So yeah, WE're home and getting settled back in. I've been reading up on all of your posts from when I was gone. Looks like lots has been happening with you guys. I look forward to being all caught up on every one's comings and goings. xo

My bags are packed, I'm almost ready to go...

2009-11-10T19:06:00.000-08:00

This post was supposed to be long and insightful. Four loads of laundry, a load of dishes, taking Otis (the big red dog) to be kennelled for the next five days and getting Ivy to sleep and packing have taken it's toll on my 'brilliant' idea.
The only idea I have now is to try to keep my eyes open until I actually lay down, shortly.
I'm leaving again for Baton Rouge in the morning. I'm going to drive there, go eat on set with Kenny and then go back to his hotel room and sleep, maybe sleep some more.
Kenny says he feels this movie will be wrapping up sooner than expected. As far as I'm concerned they can't finish fast enough.
I've been hard at work on my home. I'm tired and I really need this break. I decided not to take my computer as I need a break from it ALL.
Here's to no cooking, cleaning or feeding. It will feel so good to only have to worry about taking care of me. You guys have a great weekend.
Sorry for the boring post. It's time for my head and my pillow to meet each other for the day. I'm exhausted.

Margaret, Lea and Holly, you guys are in my thoughts this week.

Today I may:

2009-11-07T08:12:00.001-08:00

Get out of this white tank top that is not so white now that I've worn it for the last three days and take a damn bath.

Make my bed and do the dishes.

Cook something besides rice crispy treats, as I've devoured half of a pan already today.

Refuse to wear shoes all day and skip make-up. Except maybe some mascara, call me vain, but did you see up there where I've been in the same shirt for three days?

Try not to feel guilty over every little thing.

Play music very loudly for the next few hours.

See if my attitude will adjust itself if I quit focusing on it constantly and giving it little nudges and telling it to perk up.

14 weeks

2009-11-04T09:37:00.000-08:00

How baby's growing:
This week's big developments: Your baby can now squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his thumb! Thanks to brain impulses, his facial muscles are getting a workout as his tiny features form one expression after another. His kidneys are producing urine, which he releases into the amniotic fluid around him — a process he'll keep up until birth. He can grasp, too, and if you're having an ultrasound now, you may even catch him sucking his thumb.

In other news: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, he measures 3 1/2 inches — about the size of a lemon — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces. His body's growing faster than his head, which now sits upon a more distinct neck. By the end of this week, his arms will have grown to a length that's in proportion to the rest of his body. (His legs still have some lengthening to do.) He's starting to develop an ultra-fine, downy covering of hair, called lanugo, all over his body. Your baby's liver starts making bile this week — a sign that it's doing its job right — and his spleen starts helping in the production of red blood cells.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've lost weight. I wake up and clean and then I lay around and watch Netflix until Ivy gets home from school. She's actually going to eat with the principal of her school as a reward for making straight A's on her report card the first nine weeks of school.
I really miss Kenny. He was sick earlier this week and it was sad to hear him so miserable over the phone. I've decided to go see him next week. I'm going to kennel one of the dogs and stay for almost a week. In his hotel in Baton Rouge there are no responsibilities. It's easier to make myself lay down when I don't have ten things demanding my immediate attention. Plus, every meal is at a cafe or restaurant, so I don't have to cook either.
In other boring news, my new hardwood floor is buckling, and so a repairman will be here tomorrow. I'm also getting a smaller dining room table, as mine is massive and eats the whole room. I'm getting to a place where I want my surroundings serene and orderly. I'd like to start cooking a lot again and trying new recipes for the holidays. It's easier to stay in a peaceful state of mind when my environment makes me want to breathe. Not sure how much sense that made. I make all these plans, and I'm never sure how I will feel when the time comes.
Thanks for all of your comments. I'm sure that it's hard for some of you to read about my pregnancy. I'm sorry that I seem so whiny about it. I wasn't expecting to do this part alone.

I'm no where near convinced that I will be bringing home a healthy breathing baby in about six months.

Everyday I think, "Baby, please be strong. Please don't die."

All Alone

2009-11-01T14:29:00.001-08:00

I'm sorry I haven't been writing. I was visited by a migraine and a sense of intense loneliness this weekend. Last night while taking Ivy trick or treating, surrounded by little pea-pods and super-girls and black cats, I suddenly felt all alone.
I am so lonely. I find myself yearning to have Kenny here to experience this with me. I'm beginning to feel the tiniest of flutters and I know they will turn into kicks and jabs before Kenny comes home.
I wish he wouldn't have missed the ultrasound. I wish he would have gotten to meet the Dr. that (hopefully) will be bringing this baby out of my womb and into this world. Sadly, that can't be my job this go around.
I wish he were here to eat my cooking and bring me a glass of water every now and again. I wish he were here to rub my achy back.
This is going to sound selfish, but I feel abandoned.
When Ivy goes off to school in the mornings, I find myself staring at the walls and staying lost in thought for hours. This is a far cry from my usual crafting, creating, active and imaginative self.
I've always cherished time to myself, but at this point, I'm sick of me. It's just me and my thoughts and my crazy dreams and my warm bed.
I'm not forgetting that Ivy is here with me; I'm only referring to the increasing number of hours I spend with just myself and my dogs.
I feel selfish for wanting more than this.
I am just feeling so utterly and helplessly lonely.

My weekend in pictures...

2009-10-27T05:18:00.000-07:00

Hi you

2009-10-22T05:31:00.000-07:00

I'm here. Alive and breathing. The tiny one is still safe and sound inside (as far as I know) and I'm having my first ultrasound in about two hours. Kenny won't be joining me unfortunately because he's in Baton Rouge until Christmas.
I was having blog withdrawals and it was strangely difficult to not blog on the days Zoe died and was buried two years ago on the 17th and 19th of October. My internet provider left me hanging with no home phone and no internet for eleven days. I must have called them twenty times. They kept reminding me I was a 'valued customer'.

I've missed interacting with you all so much. Don't be surprised to find very late comments from me as I catch up on all your blogs. Actually, could you do me a favor and leave a comment letting me know what you've all been up to the last two weeks? Even if you sat in your house all day in your pajamas, tell me about it. I need this, you have no idea. Thanks Margaret and Birni for checking ion on me. Jennifer, I saw you had your baby. I'm so happy for you. Angie, I'm loving your random acts of kindness adventures and I'm so happy you 'came out' about your new little one.
Love to you

(Eta: My ultrasound was great. The baby measured one day ahead of schedule. My placenta is in a weird position but I was assured that it wouldn't hurt a thing as this baby is coming out in a scheduled cesarean if all goes well. I could worry about it, but I just won't. I watched my tiny baby dance around in my tummy. I saw hands, feet, elbows. It was beautiful, and ended much too quickly.
I am 12wks1d today. Tommorrow I am driving to Baton Rouge. Saturday I'll be at a parade with one of my long time best friends in New Orleans. I am looking foward to the lack of responsibility that will accompany this little trip and though I will see Kenny, it will be briefly as he will be on set this weekend as well.
I plan to take lots of pictures with my new camera, and put a pictures only post up when I get back. Have I ever told you how much I adore being 'down south'? It feels more like home to me though I was mostly raised right here. It's busier and there are many more interesting people from all different cultures.
Anyway. It's time to find an indie film I haven't watched on netflix and get in the bed to watch it. I have a busy day tomorrow. Ya'll have a great weekend.)

Birthday

2009-10-12T06:22:00.001-07:00

My birthday was great. I say was, as it is today but it was celebrated this weekend (all weekend really) due to every one's schedule etc.
Saturday, Kenny took Ivy and I to breakfast and I ordered all sorts of things and barely ate half. Then he took me to pick out a brand new camera. I am so thankful for that. I took these pictures in my yard right away.

Saturday night, my mom and dad took us to my favorite sushi and hibachi restaurant. (I skipped the raw fish of course) It was SO good.

Mom and I

The next day I rearranged my our bedroom and put to use the comforter my mother bought me for my birthday. Then we went out to eat with my best friend and her husband and their new little one. I had a really great time.

Kenny's family runs this place so I was on alert for the sombrero entourage. I repeated told him 'no sombrero' but he did it anyway..of course! It wasn't that bad though as it was a Sunday night and it was raining and we were one of three tables, but they pulled out the kitchen staff and sang their birthday song...

I really had more fun this weekend than I have in a long time. I got a much needed attitude adjustment and I feel great today.
There's always a tension for me subconsciously that lasts until my birthday and softly blows away once it's here. I'm glad it's finally here. I will celebrate quietly, alone and with peace in my soul for the first time in a long time.

Oh, and on Friday, before all of this I went back to blonde..and it feels right for now.

What is hope to a babyloss mom?

2009-10-04T16:03:00.001-07:00

This time two years ago, I was still in the hospital. I believe that the blood transfusions were finished, and I was receiving visitors and walking up to see Zoe as often as they would let me. It was hard to stay focused on eating and getting healthy, when what I wanted was my girl healthy, and no amount of cold hospital gruel was going to help her. The details are fuzzy now, but I remember having a shred of hope. I even added Hope into her name at the last minute. My mother and I decided that we would have hope until there was no hope, and that's what we did.
I knew that the lack of oxygen had left her blind. I could handle that. They said she was deaf, but they never tested, and I saw her react to my voice until almost the last day. I never thought she was deaf. I was willing to accept whatever life with her would entail for me and Ivy even with her diagnosis of 'severely disabled', but I wasn't willing to accept that it was never going to be a possibility. Until it wasn't.
That hope that I held for my sick little girl, seems to be the last time I've had real hope. I realized that today. I can't have the same hope for this baby, because I've had as much hope as you can have and it didn't matter.
It's not that I don't hope that this baby will make it here fine, I do. It's just that I can't really imagine this child here, in my home, in my arms. I have a 'wait and see' attitude. It's been six years since I've really taken care of an infant. The care that I provided for Zoe consisted of changing her diaper, or her socks, whenever they (rarely) told me it was fine to do those things. Zoe never even wore clothes except for the outfit that her daddy and I put on her before they took out her breathing and feeding tubes before she died in my arms.

Hope is now a bit of an abstract thought for me.

I don't know how I can help it, but I think that the 'wait and see attitude' is okay. I may never feel the certainty I once did that everything will be fine, and I think that's ok.
I'm still very much trying to go easy on myself. To breathe and relax and live in the uncertainty. I try to count my blessings. I try. I may fail, many times daily, but I'm trying, and I've got to give myself a pat on the back for that..at least.

How has hope changed for you since you lost your baby(ies)? Is it easy for you to be hopeful, or do you struggle? Tell me. I'd love to hear your thoughts...

***
I googled caffeine content in chocolate and found that in milk chocolate, there is as much caffeine in an 8oz bar as there is in a cup of decaf. My doctor said that I could have decaf, so I think it must be fine.
I recieved a very sweet package in the mail yesterday. I adore the lady that sent it to me. It made my day. I really need to go and thank her!

Procrastination

2009-10-02T07:26:00.001-07:00

I just awoke from the deepest sleep I've had in a long time. You were there, and you were there too. Actually me an Angie were in an Australian mall with Carly and Scarlett and River, which was more like a theme park with water slides and the like, mixed in with small stores and cafes. ANyWAy, it was one of those long interrupted dreams with a thousand strange details that leaves you, upon waking, wondering what world you belong to. It takes a minute to get re-acclimated.
I woke up freezing. Oh yeah, it's that time of year. Go to make coffee. Damn, can't have coffee. How am I going to break out of this haze now? All I can think about is going to Starbucks for a caramel latte, oh wait, make that a salted caramel hot chocolate..uugh. I'm also trying to talk myself out of going back to the same Chinese restaurant I got take-out from yesterday, and ordering the exact same thing today. It feels excessive. I still want it though. Come to think of it, my sock drawer stash is empty. I can't live without chocolate. I think I'll google caffeine content in all of my favorite chocolate today and find what I can have.
Look at me giving myself reasons to get out of the house. I think I'll go out then, but I'll make it quick. I feel strange and sarcastic. I need to wash clothes and I want to work on a pair of bluebirds I'm making. I'll try, but today just screams 'lazy day'.

Nine weeks and one day..

2009-10-01T10:45:00.003-07:00

I went to the doctor, and I made it through. I have been dreading it, and now it's over. I'm measuring nine weeks and one day, which is right on track. The baby's heartbeat was in the 160's, 170's just like my last two GIRLS. Kenny got to hear the heartbeat which was nice. I thought that hearing it would make me feel better.
I'm on caffiene restriction and the jokes about that aren't quite funny to me yet. I've never gone without coffee or chocolate so we'll see.
Today I was going to list what I am grateful for and all that but I'm wore out. I have the house to myself until 6:30pm. so I'm going to get some chinese soup and eggrolls and have some movie watching, housework ignoring, all animals outside Lindsay time. I am grateful for that!
I am grateful that the baby is healthy. I've never had any problems until much later than this. Perhaps that is why I don't feel the relief that I thought I would.
I'm not going to push myself to feel any other way than how I do feel.
Thank you for remembering my Zoe's birthday with me. You guys are incredibly sweet.

xo

today...

2009-09-29T18:29:00.000-07:00

I made a place to reflect on my girl..

I made her a cake.

Sadly, or in Ivy's case gladly, we ate it in the guest of honor's absence.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl. I hope to see you in my dreams...

2009-09-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

This video was taken on my birthday I believe. I'll warn you, there are N.I.C.U. alarms and lots of tubes and tape. I could only whisper, and it was a bit awkward to have so many people in the room staring at you while you hold your baby for one of the few times you'll ever have a chance. At one point my mom (who is taking the video) tells me to smile and I assume she's taking a picture so I smile big and stupid for the video. Anyway, these few bits of video that I own make her feel more real to me. Perhaps they will do the same for you as well. Here is my Zoe. I miss her so much.

Happy Birthday Zoe

2009-09-29T04:02:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday my sweet girl. In a little while, I'm going to buy more votive candles and buy some flowers for your birthday. I'm sorry that I can't go to your grave today. Mommy always feels guilty about placing you so far away from her.
I hope they throw you a huge party in Heaven. I hope you look down on your big sister and I today and know how much we miss and love you.
I'll try to upload my only video of you to share you with my friends here.
I must go and wake your big sister up now. It's important that she get to school. Don't worry though, Mommy's not done remembering your birthday. We'll have some special time when no one else is home.
I miss you and love you more than words could ever express.
Happy Birthday my little baby Zoe-Beth. I can't believe that you would be two today...

Guilt

2009-09-28T05:29:00.000-07:00

Kenny says that I'm a glass-half-empty girl. That makes me sad. I just understand now, more than ever that we are not promised that things will be just fine.
Today is the day, two years ago, where I feel that I could have stopped what happened. I let myself get upset and anxious. I was told that I looked pale and out of it, and took that as a manipulation, not a warning. The next morning, I was roused from my sleep from a dull yet increasing pain. Did I go to the emergency room right then, a measure that had the ability to save my daughter's mind and in turn her body? No, I didn't. When I went it was too late, almost for us both. She didn't die then, but that's when she stopped becoming a person to that doctor.
She was always a person to me.

I haven't abandoned trying to have a positive attitude. I'm only sad that it's almost my daughter's second birthday and her birth wasn't met with much joy. There will be no party and cake for her tomorrow, only me and this empty house.

Trying Something New

2009-09-27T10:39:00.000-07:00

It's time to change the channel. I don't like the way my blog 'feels' anymore. This is the last time I will be with child, and I've come to see that this, in and of itself is worth celebrating, regardless of the outcome. (yes, I'm very liberal with my commas)
So, I've decided to show you (and myself) a different side of me. I'm choosing the 'fake it till you make it approach', plus, my life is far from all bad, and I'll be forced to feel better if I quit focusing on it so.
I will be nine weeks on Wednesday. I have my first appointment with my new ob on Oct 1. Not looking forward to the internal exam, I mean, I don't know this guy!? I've been craving tuna salad on crackers covered in paprika. It tastes horrible if it makes it's way back up and out, but that doesn't deter me for long. I've been hoarding away food because if I don't eat things I truly like, I won't eat at all. I feel bad hiding yummy food around but I tell myself it's for the baby. I've also wanted meat and potatoes all the time, like for breakfast. In fact, I'm cooking a steak on the stove now, just for me, cause Ivy's (LO) at the circus and Kenny is helping his parents with some yard work. I will smother it in A1 and no one is around to tell me how I'm ruining it with the sauce. Yumm...
I've been compiling a list of things (mostly in my head till now) that make me smile. I try to focus on these things when I'm feeling anxious or vulnerable. Every Wednesday, I'm going to update the list with more recent blessings to keep myself positive. I believe that ten is a good number. Per week that is..

What makes me smile this week:
1)My smart and incredibly beautiful eldest daughter.
2) The fact that I'm starting to finally listen to what the death of my youngest precious baby has to teach me.
3) The decision to make an effort to be joyful and make good memories for this pregnancy.
4)Loving a man that loves me too and who is trying now to support me the way that I need to be supported.
5)The hummingbirds that come to my feeder on the porch.
6) Those quiet moments in the morning when Kenny is at work and Ivy is at school when the day is not demanding anything from me quite yet.
7)Making tiny trinkets and characters
8) Brownie Sundae's
9) My favorite blog-friends who are found in my thoughts everyday and I know I am in their thoughts as well.
10) My steak coming out looking great and tasting amazing.

This is THE first steak I've ever tried cooking. I cooked and ate most of it while writing this post! I'm sure I'll be cooking steak a little more often now.

What's keeping a smile on your face these days? I promise it will feel good to type a few of them out :)

It's coming...

2009-09-25T06:14:00.001-07:00

It's possible that I've been having such a hard time lately, because Zoe's would be second birthday is Tuesday. She lived for nineteen days. From September 29 to October 17 I am suspended in time. My birthday is squashed right in there as well. I turned 26 when Zoe was still here, on October 12. They let me hold her for my birthday. She died five days later. My birthday will never feel the same. Honestly, I'm only looking forward to the possibility of cake.
There are no plans for Zoe's birthday. My dad usually drives my mom and Ivy and I to the cemetery. It's a family cemetery and it's further south and I don't know exactly how to find it myself. I hope she doesn't think we forgot her or that I don't care. I will go some time between her birthday and her death day I'm sure. Most of my family will not remember or acknowledge her. I'm a pretty crummy guardian of my daughter's legacy myself. I know that it sounds incredibly morbid, but I try not to let the image of another little heart shaped headstone with another of my baby's names next to hers. It's difficult.
I feel like I have taken three giant steps back.

n/a

2009-09-24T05:28:00.000-07:00

No one left anyone yesterday. In fact and oddly enough, we haven't spoken about it. He's been back at work on a big production. They have part of an interstate shut down and the sets are splattered all over town, so I'm guessing his job is very stressful right now.
I'm trying to be proactive. I'm researching prenatal yoga centers around here and I'm going out and getting some high fragrance soy candles and some chocolate today. Do you think it's selfish that I stash chocolate in my sock drawer so that no one sees it and I don't have to share it?

You guys are kind and amazing.

alone then

2009-09-23T04:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, when I wrote that last post, I was angry, hurt and felt all alone. This morning I feel very similar. Add nausea and anxiety and you got it.
I have felt VERY unsupported, and really, honestly I am. Kenny and I are having issues. That's rather strange as now he's started a new movie and I don't see him much. He seems angry and distant and needs to blame someone. He came home early and showered yesterday and then left, to play pool. I was asleep after he got home. I forced myself to ignore the searing anxiety in my diaphragm and willed myself to sleep. I'm sad that he chooses to lash out on the one carrying his child and taking care of a seven year old, three dogs, cats and a home and him as best that I can.
Yesterday I thought that I had developed a 'fool-proof' way of encouraging him to be supportive. I tried it this morning. He slammed the door on his way out. My stomach has jumped up to join my heart in my chest.
I am looking at another lonely day, not feeling supported yet needed and expected.
I am running out of steam. I am trying to take care of me, but at the moment that feels impossible. I want to disappear.
I failed Zoe, by letting the stress overcome me. This feels like a recurring nightmare. If you know me (even if you don't) and you think perhaps I'm driving him away...you can't drive someone who is already running, away from you.

Before Kenny slammed the door and left, he told me he was packing his things when he gets home. I only asked him to help support me, to make time to talk to me about things. I told him I was lonely and he told me he was leaving.

Time to stand (so to speak)

2009-09-22T16:17:00.000-07:00

If I wait for a cheery happy post, you may not hear from me for a while. I am lonely and very tired. I keep reminding myself to breathe deep, to stop breathing shallow. I remind myself that I'm not alone, but even when I'm not, I am.
I've long understood that you cannot convince anyone of anything if they aren't ready to hear it. I have many things that float around in my brain, that aren't given a voice, because I try to play nice. I have noticed however, that many people want what they want, feel entitled to said want, and single-mindedly go after it without much regard for say, other human beings.
I don't know how to slow down and take care of me. No one else knows how to slow down and take care of me either. I feel selfish asking for that, but I'm finally being honest with myself in saying that I can't do this without support. Every other incident in most of my life has been met with a 'I can take care of myself' attitude. I don't want to do this by myself.
I am the one willing to do it, however. If I have to take care of me, and be my own support system, I will. If only for the hope of this baby inside me. If only for a prayer of a chance that this baby will come home to live. I will eat well and healthy. I will not wear myself ragged. I will not struggle to help anyone else understand my need to take care of me right now.

For the first time in my life, I'm consciously deciding to be unapologetically (I know that's not a word but it should be) good to myself. I hope people that I know accept that. I don't see anyone else in line to do it. I won't complain (much) and I am going to stand up and count my blessings and love my body and protect my feelings and my sanity from myself and everyone else.

OB Oh Sh*t!

2009-09-19T06:38:00.001-07:00

I got the call yesterday. The call from the o.b. that dumped me. He barely let me speak, and then we were disconnected and when I called back, he had already left for a delivery.
Basically, he seems to almost be sure that I will rupture again. He kept quoting the 33% risk as if it's not in my mind already. I did a bit of online research and EVERYTHING I read said the risk was more like 10-17%. He said that I had a risk of getting to the hospital closest me and he warned that if I had an emergency after 5pm that I would likely have to wait for an o.b. to arrive and because in my case time is of the essence, I could lay there and die waiting for a doctor. He said I should go to a trauma hospital that is about thirty minutes or more from where I live.
I understand telling me to be careful, and instructing me to go to the place with the best care for me is nice and all, but he continually reminded me how rare my situation was and how most babies don't die from a placental rupture. I KNOW THAT!
He went on and on about when I rupture this time. When? How is he so sure?
I asked him why he said it was ok to try again then in the first place. He told me that he doesn't decide who should or should not have babies. Does that seem like a very cliche' answer to you?
I found a doctor a city over. I looked at his patient ratings on-line. I found this:
I chose Dr.XXXX after I had a hard time being able to see my original doctor. What a bad decision. I was always somewhat uncomfortable with his behavior and questions. I was a young, single parent and I think he had little respect for me. I was full term when I was admitted to the hospital for high blood. I stayed in the hospital for 4 days and Dr.XXXX felt I was okay for me to be released. All the nurses couldn't understand why he was taking such a risk. Well, the next day Friday, April X, I was rushed to the hospital and an emergency C-section was performed. That day XXXX was born and became an angel in heaven. I would suggest that everyone do a check on your doctor's, make sure they are able to handle emergency C-sections, make sure the hospital is equipped to handle distressed situations.

Everything about this is a risk now. IF I rupture, I can't get across the river in less than forty-five minutes and that's if there's no traffic. If I go to the closest hospital, there's the chance there will be no one there to help. If I go to the trauma hospital, we'll have to pray that I get there in time, and they take me seriously, as people have died in their emergency waiting room. I didn't realize how HORRIBLE health care is in this city until now. Until my child's life depends again on a rule or a policy or availability of medical professionals. Why wouldn't EVERY hospital with an emergency department not keep an anesthesiologist and a ob on call at all times?!
I had a fitiful sleep last night. Reliving the trauma that was Zoe's birth, fear for the same outcome.I lay in bed awake after, praying for daylight to break the dread in my mind. I keep repeating in my mind, I can't rupture. I won't rupture. This baby will be fine if I make it to my scheduled cesarean. I can't rupture. I won't rupture.
I am scared. I am anxious. I'm tired of trudging through everyday. I've begun to needle felt again. I've started to get projects finished for my last three contest winners. None of it is any comfort. I pray and God feels far away.