Random thoughts and run-on sentences...

I feel heavy today. The clouds gathering outside, and the grey cast agrees with my attitude. I am not ungrateful, I'm sad. It goes away, gets a bit dull, then comes back with full on sting and tears. They embarrass me now. I am so used to believing that I must be brave. That I must not show the imprint forever carved into my heart and thoughts and dreams. Dreams of chaos and crowds, misunderstanding and confusion.
I think I've put the paintbrush down because I'm depressed. K complains that I don't keep the house up as well, but I cook so much more. I just hate dishes because of the boarding school...
L.o. seems to know when I'm weak, and God help me I should not complain about her but she seems to know when I'm down and she's out for what she wants. She stepped on a nail through her flip-flop Saturday. This is why K stayed at home with L.O. and I went to church yesterday solo. It hurt to see my cousin and her husband and her baby, and I'm standing there with my parents and my nephew, feeling very incomplete. I cried in the foyer of the church in front of my family. That side is not a cuddle and comfort type. I feel the need to appear super strong and perfectly fine which makes no sense.
My coffee/blogging break is over and I must pay some attention to my baby sparrow (that post is coming soon) and get to work on this house to avoid certain guilt otherwise.
Good days, please find me once more. Being sad is so tiring and I have life left to live. God, I'm heavy hearted and weary, where is my rest? Please forgive me when I fail and help me feel you when I'm feeling empty. Give peace to those who need it today and bless my family and all my blog friends..In Jesus name...

I didn't lie...

In a comment to Mel where I said I wasn't sad. I wasn't. Then I broke down in front of my family at my grandmother's church, and during church, and ummm, driving home after. My dad turned to my mom and said,"She's sad about Zoe." It felt good to hear her name in public but I was praying for the tears to stop as I was embarrasssed.
I have thirty minutes until noon. Thirty minutes to try and re-do this mood I'm in. I didn't want to have a sad day.
We don't always get what we want, but there's no harm in trying...
Happy Mother's day to all of you. I love you guys.

Thank You!

For the comments, and all the support and love I receive from you guys. I had a sad day, and nobody knew but myself. I had a family reunion where Zoe was buried but the weather here (and there) was terrible. I woke up to closed streets and the place we were supposed to go had no lights. I didn't go, but I decided not to go last night, and I've felt guilty about it. I thought the bad weather would help me feel less guilty, but then I just felt guilty for not going to see her since umm.. some time last year. Yeah, I'm a crummy mommy to my dead daughter. An hour seems so far, and that is a ridiculous excuse.
I'll go. This month.
It's time for bed. I miss both my girls. I'll see one tomorrow, I'll see the other in an unspecified amount of time, a painful amount of time. It still makes me so sad. I miss her. I want her back. There are no words to truly describe how this hurts, how bad we need our babies back, yet we still try.
We still try.
Sweet dreams all...

I need a little help....

My comments have messed up a few times in recent months so I'm going to use this post to try and straighten them out. If you're already here (on my page that is) do me a favor and try to leave a comment. If you can, great, I'll see it appear. If you can't, please e-mail me at faeryegrrl777@yahoo.com

Choosing to be happy...

I'm choosing this again today. I have L.O.'s field day in about an hour and a half, so this will be pretty quick.
I am getting things done today. I would like to have a date with K tonight. I have cheesecake cups to make for my mom and a mortgage to drop off the money for. There is a pregnant girlfriend to go visit, and groceries to buy.
I'm hoping K's friend will go away for at least the weekend, as with L.o. at her dad's I'm out numbered and I covet a little of his free time later today.
So I'm off for a bath and and attitude check and I'll tell you all about it later.
I hope ya'll have a great morning, day, night whatever it is wherever you are.
I'm off to field day!