Damnit

I realized it the other day. I don't think anyone else knows or that I even knew until the last week or so. I am still grieving. I still miss my little girl. I still look at a boy and imagine him being dragged around and loved on and chased by, two sisters. It hurts me that my current boyfriend didn't know me before. I was so much more confident, and needed no reassurance. The very things he resents me for, my weakness.
Or maybe he doesn't but then there's another reminder, I don't trust people. Since Zoe died, I don't trust people to stick around because in my experience they don't. I don't expect him to stick around forever. I don't trust anyone to do that. How do you have a relationship, if you don't learn to trust someone to stay?
I really want to participate in the Where I am Now Project of Angie's. Today though, this is where I am. Remembering that I'm still grieving and I don't trust anyone and it's hurting my relationships....

Mean

I will try and never speak another harsh word, in the sincere hope that no other  hateful outbursts find their way to my ears. Sticks and stones leave scars you can see but words strike the soul if you let them,

What I've been doing in here...

2x4ft.....

In my room....

I listen to music no one else here wants to hear. It's a sanctuary in a sad way; a buffer, so to speak. Reading is the only sure fire way to drown out thoughts, emotions pushing to the surface but it's only a diversion. The art, a controlled echo of feelings past. The music sweeps up the thoughts, gives them form and a melody and I don't have to work for it. When the kids are at dads I've been painting, alot, alone in my room.
 I hate feeling like I must censor myself here but if you look at my comments, irl people want their say here and this is my place, and I don't want to argue. There are also people who come here only to steal a glance into my life (when I've managed to write here at all) and satisfy themselves that I'm fine and never call or leave a comment. This blog isn't an accurate way to judge my well being. It's like the weather here unfortunately, it can change any minute.
 I've been meaning to do Angie's Where I Am Now project, I just feel so exposed here. I don't want to go private, so I just have to get over it. I'll give it a shot next week maybe.
 I've felt very lonely lately (expect this when you've been isolating yourself) . I don't know what to say here, or in any other area of my life. I've never felt quite this apathetic without at least knowing why. Rufus Wainwright and Jeff Buckley are saying it all for me this morning, but I have to leave my room and outside of here, no one likes my music....

Aidyn was hurt bad...

While Aidyn was at his dad's Saturday, he put his hands down on a heated oven door and got serious 2nd and 3rd degree burns on both of his hands and one arm. He spent most of Saturday in the hospital and Sunday morning in the burn center. He is agitated. He cries when you tell him no, he cries when he can't pick up things. He tries his best not to fall because he lands on his hands and it hurts. He is afraid to touch things now. He can't hold a bottle and wants to chew on his supposed to remain sterile bandages. He will have scars. I am a mess. I've had a knot in my stomach since I got the call and even though he's home and being taken care of by his mommy, I am so anxious and just sick that this happened.