I went riding!

I was worn out!
I had the greatest blessing yesterday! I used to ride horses semi-often when I was young. I cooled down roping horses at rodeos and sometimes got the chance to just go out into a field and take off. I LOVE running horses.
So, yesterday, a friend of K and I was off work and on his way to work with some horses who were getting fat and lazy in the pasture. I wanted to go, so K and I hopped in our friend's (He was third in the world riding bulls in 2006) big 'ole pickup truck and drove about twenty minutes away from town.
From here I will sound like a total redneck, but that's ok. I have no 'parts' cars in my yard, no mud tires on K's truck, and no horses in my 12x20 yard and I don't have a 'tin can station' on my back fence for target practice. That doesn't mean I'm not country though! I've been muddin' (google that one if you're not from these parts..lol) I've gone deer, duck, squirrel,and dove hunting. I fish, in the river, lake or ocean, though I much prefer the ocean. Last year my whole family went to the beach. We had our kids swimming in the same water that others were catching all sorts of things including sharks and crabs. My dad caught a stingray and cut it's stinger off with it's pocket knife (it's ok bleeding hearts, it didn't hurt him at all) and had me carry it to a tide pool for L.O. and all of the other cousins to play with. They loved it! L.O. got pinched on her toe by a passing blue crab. I stepped on a baby hard-head catfish and still have a pock in the side of my foot.
Sound dangerous? That's just how we do it in the most southern part of North America.
ANYWAY, back to the horses.
When we got to the pasture, I was informed that there was a 'bait hog' ( a wild pig used for training 'hog huntin dogs') so I had to go see. I'm TERRIFIED of pigs mostly. Let's just say that I've seen every detail of how pigs are raised and made into bacon...uugh. So, I peek in and it jumps up to the rail putting it's ugly tusks right in my face. They told me to pet his nose...I passed...lol
So we saddle up and go ride. I ran across the field very uneasily at first, and then with a little more confidence. I really enjoyed myself. Our friend and I (and our horses) went to a boarded up little house close to the road. It got a little more fun from there. Both of our horses started rearing up and throwing their heads around. Our friend got his horse some feet away, but mine took me into the carport and started acting crazy. He reared back on his hind legs a little too high once and I jumped off, scraping my shoulder on the wall of this abandoned house.
I walked him out a little bit and got back on but he still seemed spooked and we had to split the reigns and let his horse lead mine out.
That was the only scary part, but it was pretty wild nonetheless. When we rode back around to the gate, the owner of the horses asked us what happened to my shoulder and we explained what they semi-saw from afar. He commenced to tell me that he bought that piece of property from the son of the man who shot himself in that house. I've always heard that horses have a sixth sense, or maybe they shy away from death as much as we try to.
I slept extremely well last night. I am SO sore this morning, but I'm itching to go back. I'm quite sure I'll take L.O. next time. She was bucked off of a pony at a carnival that her father took her to, and is now scared. The last time I put her in the saddle, she begged to come down, and that horse worked in a rehabilitation program for disabled children, and would not have hurt her. I'll have to put her in the saddle with me, so that her 'I can do it by myself' mentality kicks in, and she'll stay up there with confidence.
So, I'm doing things and trying to keep my head up. I'm still free of opiates(whoo-hoo!) and trying to get things ready for K to leave. His departure was delayed two weeks, imagine that. It worked out the way God wanted I'm sure, as I don't think I could have gone through some of the things I have since this journey stopping the pills, without K.
I thank God for His will, His timing, and His strength. Thank you Lord, for what you allow me to experience...good or bad.

Lindsay opens up :

After Zoe-Beth was buried, I stayed at my mom's for another week. I was not 'with' her father. I eventually went home, had my life handed back to me, and told, "Call if you need us!,". I rarely called. I felt guilty for her death, and didn't want to bother anyone. I had been on some form of pain-killers since I awoke from surgery. I stayed on them, ordered more scripts, and used them to mask both the physical pain and the emotional pain I was in, so that I could take care of L.O. and our home and animals...all alone. I found a doctor, who, because of my R.A. would prescribe even stronger meds.
They didn't always work completely of course, and the unresolved grief that bubbled up during the 'off' times on the meds, was more than I could bear. At one point I wanted to join Zoe-Beth. I was just so alone, and unable to reach out. Everyone thought that I was just being so strong, or ambivalent, depends on who you were talking to at that time, but I was in an emotional hell, and no one seemed to care.
One day I decided to take scissors to my wrist, but by the grace of God I only ended up cutting off ALL of my long locks instead,(note the picture in the, 'Under the Tree' post) and cut gashes into my legs that will probably prevent me from ever wearing a bathing suit again without a skirt. No one knew that I was going through this. I could not feel God at all, back then. My hair is finally growing out.
Meeting K again, changed a lot for me. I know he was sent from God, back into my life when I most needed him in it. He tried to understand it all. He listened, and still does.
He's helped me get off the meds and was completely understanding, and I have been opiate free for three weeks today. I started painting after the fifth day (I was lying on the couch unable to move for the first three days) I wasn't sure I could stop, and I wasn't willing to make this public until I felt I could beat this or was at least in the process. I'm not out of the woods, but I see the forest through the trees.
There is a two-fold reason for posting something this personal. Firstly, I know that opiate addiction is common for women leaving the hospital with a script for pain-killers and a box of their child's few belongings, instead of their baby. I just want those who are ashamed, like I was, to know that you're not alone. Zoe died in October of 07, and I've only stopped for three weeks. Hating myself for all of that time that I only coped by taking pain pills, helps/heals nothing. Now I'm trying to let God heal me, and trust Him to do it. I know he wants me well and joyful. I'm getting there.
Secondly, I believe that this is where my 'painter's block' has come from. I only wanted to paint the beauty, but it wasn't all beautiful. I've completed two beautiful works, with no sign of the blacks and reds (the colors that surrounded Zoe-Beth's birth)that fill my thoughts at times. I suppose I can't only paint the pretty part. I can only paint pieces of the truth, as I see it, and hope that they convey some beauty after all.
It's like I was with the pills. I couldn't take the good with the bad, I took pills to keep the 'bad' at bay, and it barely worked. With my work, I can't only represent the beauty, I must represent the struggle too. That's how I got where I am right this second. I must accurately portray the whole journey if this is to work out.
So, off to painting #3. I hope the sadness will add some beauty, and help me to heal from what was so scary and life-shattering almost a year and a half ago.

Good Morning!

It's right before eight a.m. L.o.is off to school and K and I are playing with Lucy. Well, he is, I'm obviously typing. The window is open and the breeze is blowing. Rain is on it's way and I feel very calm. I spent time with my Father this morning, and it was what I needed.
YES, Ruth, I still have 'painter's block :( That's about right though; I write down ideas for a year, then pick up my paint brush and change my entire style, forcing me into different ideas. I've been thinking about painting an octopus. I've had two (yes, as pets) and I LOVE them. They are the smartest invertebrate and cephalopods have the fastest camouflage reflex of ANY animal. They are amazing. I'll stop there, as you will begin to realize what a HUGE dork I am.
As far as my night Saturday, I don't know what to say, I did have a good time out though. I will just state a few facts.
I drank too much
Death metal is SO not my thing but all the people that I grew up around play in those type bands.
One of our friends got kicked out for 'threatening' the lead singer of a known death metal band. (that was kinda funny. Imagine this big singer guy, dressed in all black, spiky armbands angry scowl on his face, you get the picture, running up to the club owner and whining about 'threats' that probably never occurred. My friend was a huge fan!?)
We left early (1:45 a.m.)
I had to get K (designated driver) to pull over and while I was 'letting it out', I kept stopping to tell everyone in the car,"It's ok, I'm a soldier!,"
(I don't know about you, but that part was funny to me the next day)
My friend Kayla (see pick in post below) ended up bleeding via an angry accident with her boyfriend.
I was too out of it to help her.
K and I spent the whole next day on the couch, recovering...lol
BTW, I know that this was not the most appropriate way to spend my free time. I only USE to go out like this. Saturday was for old times sake only, and probably the last time.
Enough about Saturday night now K? My next venture out will be to a nice park or something ;)
Well, Ivy had a great weekend with her dad and we were happy to have her back home yesterday.
I need to go shower now as K has some work to go out and do, and I have promised to go with him.
Have a blessed day!

Saturday night....

Kayla and Lindsay
Story coming in a little while ;)

Oh my, I have 'painter's' block AHHH! I want to paint and I have materials. I have FINISHED two and have one blank canvas. A blank canvas is almost as precious to me as a finished one. So much possibility. It's getting hard to only paint personal things knowing I would have/want/need to let them go. Perhaps I should only think about the tasks at hand, not where they will end up. I suppose I'll deal with that when I'm there, about 11 paintings away...sigh. I posess the artist temperament (google it!) and I drive myself nuts!
Today is L.O.'s birthday! She is SEVEN! I can hardly believe how fast that time goes. Yesterday I took her cupcakes at school, and took her home early.
Then I took her to my parents home to 'eat dinner', but instead I had set up a suprise party for her early in the day. My parents ordered pizza and K's parents and his niece came as well as my sister and her son. She was SO suprised and happy, and it was the cheapest most relaxing party I have ever had for her. I will post pictures as soon as I get them from my mom. K?
She spent the night at her father's and will be there all weekend. I get a break! Tonight, I'm going back to my roots. There is a live music show downtown, where ALL of my old band friends and kids I grew up with will be. I haven't been out in FOREVER. I'm in the mood today for my flowy hippy dresses and may very well wear one out as yesterday was the first official day of Spring! I love Springtime. Summer's here are miserable and humid and HOT, but spring is just so perfect and new and cleansing.
I'm looking foward to tonight, and I the closest I've felt to excitement lately is anxiety so I hope all goes well. I believe I may have a drink or two, discuss random nonsense and maybe get some inspiration and paint in the late morning tomorrow.
I hope everyone else has a blessed and fun day. At least today, don't forget to breathe.
Love Lindsay