The Hand Up, Spring Fever, The Adventure and Thank You's...

Sorry about my last post. It wasn't written with the intentions of causing anyone to worry. I was overwhelmed and angry. For a few months, at times it seemed as though there was a monster inside of me that kept oozing out. I was taking it out on my sweet family. I was also (and still am a little) having nightmares of just raw chaos and crowds. There were dreams about being put back into the boarding school I was put into as a teenager, but being forced back as an adult and seperated from my children and Jeff and unable to convince anyone they couldn't hold me there as I was way over legal age. Anyway, I talked to my dr. and he prescribed a new medicine that is actually helping me alot. The need to paint again is always a sign that I am feeling like my normal, well I guess for me, self. My head is swimming even now about new pieces I would like to work on  and new mediums I want to play in. I may even have a touch of spring fever. I seem to want to clean and sort and organize everything around me and that never happens...ever. All I know is that this seems to be really working for me but I'm a bit afraid of feeling this normal and goal oriented as it is always so much more difficult to fall again after a stretch of feeling so great. Also, no medication is a wonder pill. I realize that of course. I think I just needed help to get out of the hole I was in.  I just couldn't this time, nor could anyone else. ( By 'anyone else' I mean Jeff as he is the only person that offered a hand up)
 Thank you guys so much for your well wishes. I wish I would have read them before today. I drop in and out of here so infrequently lately that I ponder the status of some of my online relationships, but here are all of my ladies (minus just a couple) again giving me love and encouragement because of one sentence I wrote while I was hurting and angry. How awesome is that? Thanks for loving me in my abscence. I don't deserve it but am grateful nonetheless.
 Oh, and one more thing, Jeff and I just got back from another court thing in Virginia. This time we didn't let his ex wife determine our attitude and we sort of got adventurous about our trip a few hours into the ride home after leaving court. We left late Sunday night and drove through Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, and finally Virginia. We got there late afternoon Monday and did the family court thing Tuesday morning and then decided we would go to Georgia and see some of his family. We, well actually I, drove through the Smoky Mountains, which I had never seen. We drove from Virginia to Tennessee and through a little bit of North Carolina, then finally into Georgia. It was a very neat drive and I wish we would have had more time to stop at some of the little shops coming out of N.C. and into Georgia. There were shops selling gems and minerals of all colors and textures. There were chain saw art statues for sale and on display, which would have been fun to look at. We stayed with his family that night and it was fun to meet them and drink a few beers and chat. His oldest stepsister is a lit. professer, who was twelve when Jeff's stepmom lost a full term baby. She now has an interst in special needs kids and has written a few books about their educational needs, She talked with me a lot about the death of a child from a sibling's perspective. I liked them alot and I'm glad we took that side trip to meet them.
 So yeah, Jeff and I drove through seven states in less than four days and smiled and laughed and bought matching aviator gas station sun glasses and sang to the radio and took goofy pictures.( Penny, we stopped at a Love's gas station near or in Vidalia and Jeff and I waved at your exit and said, "Hey Penny!!", and we started talking about some of the things you had mentioned and how we hoped that his son would know one day that Jeff loved him enough to have spent the money and made the trips to fight for his right for a childhood and a great relationship with his dad.)
 Now we are back and Aidyn is in his new play octogon which is huge and he loves because he can go all around the living room which I love because my art supplies and breakables are no longer in danger. Jeff loves it because it looks like Aidyn is in a U.F.C. octagon. Ivy woun't be home until Monday. I miss her little butt, but she's having fun playing in the country with her dad's girlfriend's kids.
 I'm about to go buy more plastic drawer towers to organize my art stuff that has again overflowed the last plastic drawers I bought and are spilling out all over the house. Gotta scratch that Sping Fever itch....
xo

Sometimes...

People fall into a hole so deep, they don't know what to hang on to.....

Time for me to get real, for real...

If you read this blog:
 First of all, things are pretty good right now. No one's life is without it's kinks here and there, but there isn't much that Jeff and I can't handle it seems. I had a good Christmas. Aidyn really loves bows and has become addicted to Despicable Me. (seriously) My kid will give you the most pathetic face and give his most dramatic cry upon the changing of his new, umm only... movie. It's a phase, I'm sure, but I still get a laugh when I'm doing some mundane task and hear, " It's so fluffy, I'm gonna die!!!" or "Curse you tiny toilet!!" We have to go to Virginia (yes, 1,000 away from me) on Wednesday. Anybody want to do lunch?! I'll be stuffed in a cold, I'm guessing, hotel room all by my lonesome Thursday while Jeff fights to keep visitation with his adorable, spitting image of himself son thanks to an evil bitter ex-wife. YAY! Like I said, we just roll with the punches and take turns holding each other up and making each other laugh.
 The point of this post was to first let you know that I'm still here just very busy. I took some time to think about why I didn't feel like writing here anymore, and I realized that I needed a more open space to write about my life. I need a place to write about live children, dead children, my relationships, my struggles, my joys, my poetry...anything I want.
 So, I've given myself permission to do so. From now on this blog I will be all me, all the time. I may curse. I may write random poetry or streams of consciencness. I will post pictures of whatever I want.
 I love quite a few of you that read here, like sisters and I have faith that you guys already know the 'real me' enough to stick around. Those I will inevitably lose, I'm sorry. Thank you so much for your kind words and well wishes throughout the last almost three years I've had this blog.
 I named this blog La La Land, because my nephew calls me La La and I live in my head so much of the time and have used the term to explain where I disappear to. It was never meant to be a blog that only focused on the loss of my precious Zoe though that is how I found Blogger in the first place.
  Enough with all that now...ahem..abrupt subject change following:
Catherine, I miss you, I really do. I never finished my bird mobile to my liking, so I'm going to hang them on the stems of some vellum paper flowers in a vase that I made. I'll show you pictures..promise.
 Angie, I haven't forgotten you, and you still should expect a little something from me. It's past Christmas but what the hell, Christmas was crazy and I still want you to know how much you mean to me. I love seeing Thor and Bea on fb...It's precious watching them grow.
 Birni, I'm SO glad you've reached the 'age of viabilty' and things are mostly ok. I told you that you weren't cursed....sweet lady. Oh and as soon as you send me some wool, I'm making you a Mr. Mitchell..remember..
 Petra, you can expect to be receiving a little something as well. We'll call it a New Year present. I've had your tea for a while and a few knick knacks put together, I've just been so busy. Oh, I finally got my hands on some more kinder hippos, but nothing is cooler than the eggs. I still have every one. I love them.....
 Margaret, I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch. E-mail me and let me know how things are going. I hope you are still loving life a little more. You seemed to have been finally pulled from the pit last time I heard from you and it made me happy.


  I made a resolution this year (a few actually, but anyway) to paint and create every day. Angie inspired me and a lecture from my dad about wasting my time and talent gave me the push that I needed. I actually finished a great one today and I've already drawn out a new one. I've been painting alot and I feel extremely good about it. It's something I was born to do, and I know it. When I don't create, I suffer. Call me crazy, but you can ask my momma, I was creating things as soon as I was coordinated enough to hold a pencil or a brush. Where it will all take me, I have no idea, but I have faith that it will change my life and the lives of those around me one day, somehow. My instincts and my soul know that this is/has always been my path. I'm excited to learn where it leads, I just need the gentle push Jeff gives me to keep a brush in my hand and creativity flowing.
 I gotta go now. Jeff needs some of my voodoo to help the Saints defeat the Seahawks and I need to go hang out with my crazy, sexy boyfriend. Kids are with dads. (Sorry Seattle fans, I LOVE your city but I gotta support my New Orleans boys....lol)



 I'm back, for real this time. Thanks for not forgetting about me.
   

xo Lindsay

RAWR

 This is King Jeffrey They let me out of my cage.......
Hmmmmm whut to do to my sweet lil lindsay :)
 hehehehehe
I love her

To all my wonderful friends...

 Like I said in my previous post, people have been unable to comment on my blog. As all of you know, October is when I lost Zoe and I was unable to recieve much support this year. I would appreciate it if those of you who may have tried to comment on my posts at that time, could please try an re-post them. It would really mean a lot to me. I spent some time being upset and believing that most of you just didn't care anymore. Now I know that in fact, some of you may not have been able to comment at all. Love you guys (you know who you are)

xo