Freedom and growing up...

I have always had an idea of freedom. It must be only an idea, as it changes as I get older....mostly. In a way, it all results in craving the same feeling. When I was younger, I hurt a lot of people trying to obtain that feeling. I craved anonymity. I wanted to run and find it. It was illusive, and I was trying to follow. In those days my search for 'freedom' often left me anxiety filled and empty otherwise. Eventually I landed in a girlshomeboardingschoolreligiousnuthouseworkfarm-ish thingie (did you get all that?) in another state for nine long months and eleven days. I am shaking right now just for typing those words, how crazy is that? We'll save that for a whole other post maybe..
Anyway, back to this freedom bit. when I was a child, it was a vague whisper. The want to be alone with animals and nature. I wanted my mother to take me to pick flowers. I was free picking blackberries with my grandmother, in the woods or in the lake with my dad.
nature was freedom
In my early teens, freedom meant being anywhere authority wasn't. I wasn't too impressed with what I'd seen in the adults around me. I wasn't wise in thinking I had it all figured out either. In my later teens after the girlshomeboardingschoolreligiousnuthouseworkfarm-thingie freedom was living on my own. I wasn't great at it, but I never went back home for more than a week or two, twice in almost ten years. I've gone through a lot at my own expense to prevent my having to hang my head and go back 'home'.
detachment was freedom
I have truly felt free at times in my life. When I para sailed in Gulf Shores.

When I go deep-sea fishing with my father

I felt so free when I caught the big fish, and knew my daddy was proud of me

I would run my hands through the spray from the boat and watch the rainbows. I still do it, and feel totally free.
So I suppose freedom is just an idea. It comes in spurts for me. These days my fantasies are of living near the beach. I think it about it at least once a day. I just feel so great there, so free.
My house and car will be paid of in five years...I wonder if I should move.
What if freedom doesn't find me here either?