4 years...

 My Zoe-Beth,
  I can't believe it's been four years since I've held you in my arms, or seen your sweet face. So much has happened, and so many things have changed. What never changes is how much I miss you or love you. I will always feel a little guilty that I'm here, typing this, and you're gone, you died.
 Life was getting pretty rough there for a while, but it's getting slowly easier. My heart was broken again and I had almost forgot how bad it hurt. Two broken hearts in my life, how do people live with five, six, twelve?
I'm learning to live for right now and to let go of control. Somehow, deciding to live with questions and doubts and just focus on your brother and sister is helping.
 I'm sorry I haven't been to your grave. I hate it there and now that Moah is there too, it's so depressing. I know you are not there.
 I'm sorry you'll never play with your brother or sister. I'm sorry you never got to feel the sun on your face or see a rainbow. I'm sorry you'll never open a birthday present or wait for Santa to come. I'm sorry for a lifetime, of things you'll never do.
                                          Mommy