Dec 27, 2009

Please..kick me..

I've been around. I've been busy. I've been ok-ish. Christmas passed in a blur of last minute gifts and cooking and schedules. I wanted so bad to grasp a bit of Christmas 'spirit' but it was a struggle.
I've been in a mood. I want to paint landscapes in blacks and reds and pour all of this out onto a canvas, but I can't get my head where it needs to be to accomplish that. I crave my own company and listen to Radiohead instead.
I'm very behind on reading blogs and I've received some very kind e-mails and I just can't seem to bring myself to respond to them yet. (You know you are. Sorry I'm such a freak that I can't fake the funk and send you a heart-felt response, but it will come I promise).I pass on making myself take belly pics every Wednesday. I'm beginning to feel some animosity (I think) due to my lack of enthusiasm, but it may be all in my head, like the rest of it. I may be depressed, who knows.
I've always been driven by one passion or another and I thought it drove me crazy. I think I may feel more crazy when I try to conjure something to be passionate about and fall short, for that day at least.
When I feel like this I tend to put on some linen pants and a sarong and wash my face, and I feel more human. I've thought about it today, but my feet will just not get warm. I'll take socks and yoga pants today please. Think I could get my hands on a horse tranquilizer while I'm at it? (Sorry, my dark humor is oozing out)

..Such a pretty house and such a pretty garden.. no alarms and no surprises..please...

Dec 20, 2009

The reason:

I have a hard time going to visit my daughter's grave, is the fact that I imagine her tiny body rotting beneath the ground. I wish I would have had her creamated when she died, but I had no experience with dead babies at that point, and I did what I thought was best. I used to picture her like the photo on my sidebar, the way she looked when I had her little body placed there. Now? Well I won't go into the details but it kills me to think of what nature has done to her now.
I 'know' she isn't there but...

Dec 16, 2009

20 weeks

I've made it halfway, now let's see if I can make it the other half and hit the bonus; Healthy Baby.
I feel like I am too small to be at the end of my fifth month. I go to the doctor tomorrow, but I'm fairly certain he will not do much to ease my fears.
Shouldn't I be bigger than this in my third pregnancy?
Anyway, that's how it is now. Worry, and lots of it. Four and a half months feels like a second, or an eternity away.

Dec 14, 2009

See It's not so bad..

I'm sure you've all seen my sad posts and lack of posts and imagined me on the couch, arms crossed having very Grinchlike thoughts.
This is all mostly true. I even put the Grinch theme song on my cell, so now every time I get a call I listen to...Your a mean one..Mr.Grinch...
So, yeah, you get the drift. Christmas is coming and I haven't been feeling it.
This morning however, I shook off the scrooge dust and got to work.
I dusted, swept, vacuumed, mopped, ran laundry AND...made cookies!
I have an older neighbor who used to actually be my boss, whose wife went down south for Christmas with her family right around the time he came down with pneumonia.
So, yeah, while these are certainly not professional, they're bound to at least make him chuckle. They're glazed first, then decorated...sugar rush inevitable.

(I bought green and red swirl cookie icing. Bad idea. Green and red make brown)
I feel a bit lighter now having done something a bit festive, and now I'm having a burst of energy.
I believe I'll take advantage of it and look up a good recipe for Italian meatballs and get them baking. I can feel the bathtub calling and the energy spurt waning.
I better hurry.
Everyone that may be waiting on any sort of mail from me, please know it's coming. I have not forgotten The days have gotten away from me and the funds are in the red. I'm really sorry, really.
I'm off now..xo

Dec 10, 2009

25 days of Giveaways!

Today I am hosting Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways!

Today I am offering a 3in needle felted teddy bear!
He is hand needle felted by yours truly, using New Zealand Corriedale wool roving. He is cream and chocolate colored. I will be making a bear for the winner, so you can choose what colors you would like him to have.
Leave a comment on this post to enter to win this needle felted teddy bear!
I will put all the names into a hat and let Miss Ivy pick a winner.(This is just more fun for her than I will announce the winners tonight.

You guys have a Happy Holiday! Thank you for stopping by!

The winner is Zachary's mom! (Sorry, I'm terrible at posting links) Congrats! I will send you an e-mail shortly to find out what color you would like..

Dec 8, 2009

Much better...

Things have obviously not been going so great in my household. I was feeling very alone and depressed. Kenny and I talked very seriously yesterday and I think it did some good finally. The rest of yesterday was spent with me resting and Kenny taking care of Ivy. Today has been quiet, which is a good thing.
I don't know exactly what's going on, but the 'morning sickness' seems to have returned and I'm unable to keep much from coming back up. I had hyperemesis gravidorum with Ivy and I really hope that's not what's going on. I do not wish to be sick for five more months and the medicine really keeps you knocked out.
It's very hard to believe that I'm over the halfway mark with this new little one.(I'll be going for my scheduled cesarean on 4-21 or 4-28 next year) I don't look or feel very big and my doctor only does two scans, one at four months and one at six months. I worry that the baby isn't as big as it should be or that I don't have enough fluid around the baby. My other doctor would do an ultrasound any time I was worried about the baby, to put my anxious mind at ease. It makes no sense to me that I'm now going to a high-risk ob and he doesn't believe in multiple scans. I really don't want to wait until the middle of January to know that my baby is just fine. I hate feeling helpless.
Anyway, I wanted to post a little update to let everyone know that my situation is improving and I'm feeling quite relieved. Nauseous, but relieved, however that works.
I'll be hosting Tina's giveaway tomorrow, so be sure to check back and see what I'm giving away. I'm also planning a post with a belly pic, as I should be better at taking them since this will be my last pregnancy and I will appreciate it later on.
See you guys tomorrow...

Dec 6, 2009

Found another one..

One of my good friends took this at Zoe's funeral. He was sadly, one of the ones who turned his back on me due to 'the bully'. Anyway, the preacher was reading a letter that I had written to Zoe the night before.

Dearest Zoe,
As I am writing this, I'm unsure as to how I could possibly put on paper what you mean to me. In your short time on this earth, you taught some people how to love, to forgive and to put away the past. So many forgot their anger and their grudges for a moment, to pray for you and show me support.
You were given the chance to show your strength and your beautiful fighting spirit.
At times I wish we could have gone together, to the place you now call home. I am comforted to know that you are with our fellow friends and family who have gone ahead of us. I suppose God had more planned for me. I'm sorry your mommy can't be with you anymore. You'll always be my baby girl. I'll always hold you in my heart though I am so very sad that I will never hold you in my arms again.
I am so grateful to have changed your little diapers. I am blessed to have been the one to hold and comfort you as you so peacefully took your leave.
This world never deserved to have you in it. I will happily leave here one day to see your beautiful face once more.
I will miss you terribly. I will always feel your absence.
I love you my little Zoe-Beth. I know I will hold you again someday.
Your Mommy

I miss her. I never feel her. Angie's post this morning reflected the way I feel about Zoe in many ways. I don't feel her on the wind, or in my dreams. How did I already know that I would only feel her loss? It doesn't feel like she is all around me. It feels like she is dead.

Dec 4, 2009

What is all that white stuff??

It's SNOW!! Those of you who don't live here have no idea how awesome this is. Every now and again we get ice storms and the snow is mixed with freezing rain and the power goes out and no one wants to be outside to watch. This though, is white fluffy specks falling softly all around. It is otherwise clear and cold.
Forgive me if I sound ridiculous, but man, it's georgeous. I really needed this today. You guys who get snow every year probably don't get it, but it never snows here really, till today. :) I'm so excited, I feel like a little kid and that too is rare around here.

Looking backward for a moment..

This was taken at a family reunion, the end of October. Zoe had been buried less than two weeks. Why I decided to go to this particular event, so soon after losing her, I can only guess that I felt obligated to be there with Ivy.
We go to a lake, in the middle of the woods (note cypress moss hanging from the trees) and stare at a fire and eat and if there's enough water in the lake, fish. There are quite a few very redneck activities that civilized people like my family only do in the woods, away from the city like snipe hunts, trailer rides to spotlight possums and sending the little kids out there to catch them, which they never do, stuff like that.
Everyone knew my daughter had just died. There was a family tree, on the back wall of the large meeting space where we all eat. I ran my finger along it, followed my grandparents and found my father and then me and my sister. (I'll bet you didn't know I had a sister) Branching off from our names were my nephew's name and Ivy's. Where was Zoe's? I searched around and found a marker and a piece of paper, and I wrote her name and I put it there and no one said a word. It's still there now, when they put it up every year. She was part of our family. She was one of my children. Did they think I wouldn't notice?!
Since I was a little child, this reunion lasted for nearly three days. We stay in tents or cabins by the woods and cook everything there. That year, I stayed for part of one day and happily went home.
I don't feel close to my family anymore. They were always mostly emotionally unavailable, except for the emotion that they displayed while they were gossiping about you in a boat or at the sink or in a deer stand. These days, I feel very alone at family functions and they seem to lack the small bits of warmth that I remember from my childhood. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I truly think when my grandmother dies, we will all drift inward to our immediate family and be forced to create new traditions. It's very sad that life does this to families. It proves that bitterness is the ice that freezes in the rock.

Dec 3, 2009

To do, or not to do?

What do you do when someone will not compromise? When they refuse to even have a civil discussion? When they seep with bitterness and anger and you cannot fathom why?
How do you remove yourself from the line of fire, without removing yourself from the entire range?
I have nothing but questions in my mind, and sadness. I should not be focused on all of this as there is a itty-bitty one that needs me to remember to eat, to drink enough water, TO REST! There is a not-so-itty-bitty one that should not be worrying about her mother.
I have no idea where this post is going. I hate to publish this drivel, but I need some feedback. I have no experience with what seems like someone else having extreme bitterness. I try very hard not to think about this situation constantly, but can I just say, for the record, I don't want to give both of my children to someone else, every other weekend. I want a family. I used to feel like I had a family. I don't know why it feels like it is slowly falling apart.

Nov 28, 2009

Lazy (craft) day

Today, the jammies are staying on and the mascara is being skipped. I'm declaring today my 'craft day' and my little handiworks are taking center stage. I have to make two things for the blogosphere and finish my mobile. I've had some good ideas for my hummingbird's wings. I think an irredescent green would make a lovely add-on and help mimic constant movement. I'm still wondering if I can manage tiny wire feet for all six birds.
Ivy is at her dad's until Monday and I'm trying to not feel lonely. Kenny and I are not as close as we have been in the past. I have never had an easy time of being pregnant, even when things are going perfectly. We are simply in different places emotionally and I have become somewhat withdrawn. I don't feel I have the freedom to make emotional outbursts or expressions even. Let's just say that there is some anger, seemingly directed at me, but truly I don't know what it's there for. It hurts and it's alienating and it can come with no warning. I am not good at being yelled at. It hurts and then I put on my tough girl mask and cry behind it.
So, yeah, I'm going to have a quiet day of working with my hands and trying to keep myself good company. There is something so calming about creating and I am blessed to have the abilty to sit around and create. I love watching my imagination turn into something tangible.
I am very excited about finally getting all of my packages in the mail and reading the response to them. I really feel led to try and bless others this holiday season. I hope it gives me the feeling of connection that I so long for right now.
I'm really struggling. I really feel alienated and like everyone is done hearing about the one who was lost. I feel like the people close to me now would like me to accept that this pregnancy is some guarantee, when I know it's a hope, not an absolute. I cannot feel any other way but guarded and shy about it.
Hopefully it will get better, all of it, very soon...

Nov 25, 2009

Here and there and Thanksgiving too...

My hair is pulled up in pigtails and I'm almost ready to face the world. I got a mortgage to pay and some felt to find that matches two of the birds I'm making for a mobile.
This week I have tried to get into the Christmas spirit by participating in a blog giveaway and a gift swap. More about those later in the week..
So, every day, I build up motivation, write an incredibly long (and impossible) to-do list and then I do half the things listed and get too tired and usually pass out before I can tuck Ivy into bed. Then I wake up the next day, feeling unaccomplished, lay in bed until I hear Kenny making coffee, fight anxiety, get up, read your posts and repeat.
Everyday, I try an conjure up the Christmas spirit, which works for about an hour. I'll decide to put up the tree and make hot-chocolate and then it leaves me drained and I decide to do it tomorrow. Today is the third tomorrow and I don't see it getting done today, much to Ivy's dismay.
I was amazed at your encouragement on my 'bully' blog and amused to see my followers (anyone else hate that term?) go down by two. I won't miss them, I'm sure. I was sad to see how many of you also have dealt with terrible meanness while trying to grieve your loss/es. It's so sad to me, that so-called 'civilized' 'people' can be so cruel and controlling when something so devastating occurs to a 'friend'. Goes to show that it pays to be picky about who you let deep into your life.
Just makes me all the more thankful that this community exists.
(Warning, talk of babies and pregnancy below)
As far as the itty-bitty one, I'm 17wks today. I feel little jabs and pokes and sometimes it tickles me and I can't help but giggle. Other times, I look down at my belly and feel..nothing. It makes me feel guilty but honestly, I've never been terribly gushy about my pregnancies. With Ivy, I had that naive hope that we all did at first and I thought morning sickness (or hyperemesis gravidorum in my case) was the worst that could happen, to me at least. With Zoe, I never could picture bringing her home, or raising her for that matter. I half-heartedly (yes, I know that's not a word, but it should be) helped arrange her nursery and if I'm being honest, I was angry and bitchy the majority of the time. I'm not sure why I never could picture her an old woman. Instincts? Maybe?
I've always had good instincts, but with an anxiety disorder, you get a gut-feeling mixed up with an irrational fear. Deep down I know the difference and SHOULD listen to my 'gut' more often. Anyway, way off track here, my point is, that in this pregnancy, I'm not looking ahead. I'm just letting it all happen as it happens. There are plenty of people who don't understand this IRL. Kenny even thinks losing Zoe is the same as his sister's early miscarriages. May I mention, that it's hard to go through a pregnancy after loss, with someone who has never had a child die. It's lonely already, but this is VERY lonely emotionally. My mom says I'm always in a foul mood, but damn, I'm trying hard here.
Ambivalence is the best I can muster some days.
I'm not a horrible ungrateful brat. I'm guarded and shy and getting on as best I can manage.

(abrupt subject change)

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm going to list ten things I'm very thankful for. I
believe that this is probably more exciting than my now daily 'to-do' list.
They are not in order of importance, they are just listed as they come to mind. I urge you all to do the same on your own blogs. It may just be good for you. I'll tell you when I'm finished.

Lindsay's List
I am thankful for:
1)My life. I've nearly lost it and been given it back. I may not always like it, but I'm thankful for it.
2)My family. The ones I truly consider family in my heart, not necessarily the ones I'm related to.
3)Kenny. We don't always see things the same and he snores but I thank God that he's in my life.
4)Ivy. I love every second of being that creative and adorable girls' mother.
5)Zoe. She taught me more about the world in nineteen days than I'd learned in twenty-six years. She was perfect and sweet and fought like a soldier.
6)Lucy and Toby. One's a dog and one's a cat, but they know me, and they've been through the rough patches of life with me, patiently, and still love me.
7)Good food.
8)Creativity. Mine, yours, doesn't matter. The urge to create and the process in which you carry out your idea is so beautiful to me. It's a sixth sense (or seventh) and an evolving force.
9)The kind and amazing friends I've met in this strange, sad babyloss community. To read similar stories and to be told to keep my chin up or to have a good day, does good for my soul and puts a smile on my face.
10)The itty bitty one still inside and the hope that it makes it outside and lives to one day bury me instead of the other way around.

Well, there's my list. I encourage you to make one of your own. It felt pretty good even if I'm now leaving the house in yesterday's mascara.
Sorry for being all over the place. Very indicative of my emotions right now.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone..tomorrow.

Nov 20, 2009

On bullies..

I was going through some old e-mails online. Old friends and unread Myspace messages from months ago. Blogs from a friend since the second grade, who I no longer talk to. Old friends (relatives even) who no longer contact me.
Losing Zoe was not what changed everything with many people. It was a mean girl I've mentioned before on my blog, who was there for me throughout Zoe's hospital stay, funeral and all.
She invited me to a Halloween party a very short time after Zoe died. I didn't want to go. I begged her to look after me, so to speak, as I felt weak, and the very thought of a party made me feel ill. She promised. She lied. Some serious things transpired at that party. She did in fact leave me all alone and managed to make out with Ivy's father in front of a car in her driveway, as I sat watching them from a darkened porch with my own eyes. Ivy's father had been helping me, as I was single and grieving and felt very ill-equipped to handle a hyper five year old every minute. He had asked for us to try things again. Claiming we were older and maybe, just maybe, things would work out this time.
That party insured that never became much more than a thought.
That was my first attempt at being social after Zoe's death. I knew it was too soon, but I thought that if I had friends (and Ivy's father) there to keep an eye on me, or take me home when I felt uncomfortable, I could do it. Wrong. He was too drunk to take me home. I still had stitches up to my belly button and wasn't allowed to drive myself, and he had a standard anyway and I only drive an automatic. I had to keep my mouth shut as I was too afraid to cause a scene. They both knew I saw them and said nothing.
I called her the next morning, and simply asked her why. She pretended to have no idea what I was talking about. I was beyond angry. Posts started showing up on the internet, that I had taken pills and drank alcohol while pregnant. She wrote a poem depicting me as a little spider. A spider that she was going to pry her friends and family from and eventually squash. Yes, it was very immature, but she did it, half of it anyway. I had childhood friends, who I only kept up with on the internet, that have long since moved away and family that I didn't think even knew her, contacting me. Asking why I was being so horrible to this poor girl. It was horrible.
There are people in real life, who will read this and think I just won't leave it alone. Most of these are the same people who were manipulated by her, and will never know the whole story.
None of this matters to me.
My whole point in all of this is that I feel that had this incident never happened, and I hadn't lost so many friends and even family because of the awkwardness this situation caused, I would have had more support while grieving Zoe. I often wonder if I would still have developed the social anxiety that continues to this day.
I was so alone. I couldn't trust anyone. I really hate to even admit how much this situation affected my grief.
Months later this person was still going online telling people that I was using my dead baby for attention.
Is that why I lurked around bloglang for nearly a year, terrified to write publicly about the loss I'd experienced?
Sometimes I think so.
It amazes me to think, that the actions of one person, could affect the way someone grieves. That one could cause another to hide their sadness form the world
for fear of being chastised.
I realize now, that I just let ALL my friends just slip away after that. I learned how easily a friend could turn on you. I stopped caring to meet new people. I isolated myself. I depended on things I'd rather not mention, to help me get through those lonely days. I wasn't very good to myself.
I look through the contacts on my phone often. It's sad to see how many people that I used to think would do anything for me. It's sad how many of them I'll never call and will never call me.
I truly believe that I have found some real friends here. There are some of you that I know will always read, who care about what is going on in my life. I've received the sweetest gifts in the mail and I go about my day thinking of many of you.
I hope that I don't go the rest of my life not meeting any of you. I would love to give a hug, to each and every one of you who has helped to make this a more beautiful, hopeful and less lonesome time for me.

I feel safe posting this here. I know perhaps some of you will understand this.
Have any of you been hurt by someone you thought you could trust in the midst of grieving your child/ren?

Nov 19, 2009

16 wks and more time alone..

Today I am 16 wks 1 day. I went to the doctor this morning with Kenny. Everything seemed fine. They did that blood test to check for genetic markers for Downs and something else. I just wanted out of there. I don't know why I hate going to the doctor so much.
On the way home, Kenny says,"They want me to come back for strike." Which in English means that one of his bosses, who just sent him back home, called him and asked him to come back and finish tearing down the set. He'll be here for Thanksgiving. The Christmas shopping is now officially my duty.
I just caught a break. I don't want to be pregnant alone. I will be strong though. I once put together Christmas singlehandedly, three months after burying my daughter. I can do this.
I don't wanna...

Nov 16, 2009

We're back!

We are home, yes WE! Kenny was told on Friday that they were done with most everything, and our hotel was paid up until Sunday afternoon, so we took advantage and enjoyed the city.
I got to spend some quality time with Kenny and one of my best friends. We ate quite a few meals together. One night she cooked red beans and rice, and we ate often at a small French cafe.(If you're in Baton Rouge, go to Le Madeleine..yumm)
I slept in every day and got dressed at my leisure.
Kenny must have really missed us because he was in the mood to spoil. He picked out a very old fashioned wooden music box for Ivy and had it beautifully gift wrapped for her at a boutique. We also bought her a pearl and pink crystal bracelet with a tiny silver cross on it, for her to put inside.
I got expensive truffles and a necklace that is exactly my style in bold silver and wood. I haven't taken it off yet.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love that man? I should, much more often.

So yeah, WE're home and getting settled back in. I've been reading up on all of your posts from when I was gone. Looks like lots has been happening with you guys. I look forward to being all caught up on every one's comings and goings. xo

Nov 10, 2009

My bags are packed, I'm almost ready to go...

This post was supposed to be long and insightful. Four loads of laundry, a load of dishes, taking Otis (the big red dog) to be kennelled for the next five days and getting Ivy to sleep and packing have taken it's toll on my 'brilliant' idea.
The only idea I have now is to try to keep my eyes open until I actually lay down, shortly.
I'm leaving again for Baton Rouge in the morning. I'm going to drive there, go eat on set with Kenny and then go back to his hotel room and sleep, maybe sleep some more.
Kenny says he feels this movie will be wrapping up sooner than expected. As far as I'm concerned they can't finish fast enough.
I've been hard at work on my home. I'm tired and I really need this break. I decided not to take my computer as I need a break from it ALL.
Here's to no cooking, cleaning or feeding. It will feel so good to only have to worry about taking care of me. You guys have a great weekend.
Sorry for the boring post. It's time for my head and my pillow to meet each other for the day. I'm exhausted.

Margaret, Lea and Holly, you guys are in my thoughts this week.

Nov 7, 2009

Today I may:

Get out of this white tank top that is not so white now that I've worn it for the last three days and take a damn bath.

Make my bed and do the dishes.

Cook something besides rice crispy treats, as I've devoured half of a pan already today.

Refuse to wear shoes all day and skip make-up. Except maybe some mascara, call me vain, but did you see up there where I've been in the same shirt for three days?

Try not to feel guilty over every little thing.

Play music very loudly for the next few hours.

See if my attitude will adjust itself if I quit focusing on it constantly and giving it little nudges and telling it to perk up.

Nov 4, 2009

14 weeks

How baby's growing:
This week's big developments: Your baby can now squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his thumb! Thanks to brain impulses, his facial muscles are getting a workout as his tiny features form one expression after another. His kidneys are producing urine, which he releases into the amniotic fluid around him — a process he'll keep up until birth. He can grasp, too, and if you're having an ultrasound now, you may even catch him sucking his thumb.

In other news: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, he measures 3 1/2 inches — about the size of a lemon — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces. His body's growing faster than his head, which now sits upon a more distinct neck. By the end of this week, his arms will have grown to a length that's in proportion to the rest of his body. (His legs still have some lengthening to do.) He's starting to develop an ultra-fine, downy covering of hair, called lanugo, all over his body. Your baby's liver starts making bile this week — a sign that it's doing its job right — and his spleen starts helping in the production of red blood cells.

I've lost weight. I wake up and clean and then I lay around and watch Netflix until Ivy gets home from school. She's actually going to eat with the principal of her school as a reward for making straight A's on her report card the first nine weeks of school.
I really miss Kenny. He was sick earlier this week and it was sad to hear him so miserable over the phone. I've decided to go see him next week. I'm going to kennel one of the dogs and stay for almost a week. In his hotel in Baton Rouge there are no responsibilities. It's easier to make myself lay down when I don't have ten things demanding my immediate attention. Plus, every meal is at a cafe or restaurant, so I don't have to cook either.
In other boring news, my new hardwood floor is buckling, and so a repairman will be here tomorrow. I'm also getting a smaller dining room table, as mine is massive and eats the whole room. I'm getting to a place where I want my surroundings serene and orderly. I'd like to start cooking a lot again and trying new recipes for the holidays. It's easier to stay in a peaceful state of mind when my environment makes me want to breathe. Not sure how much sense that made. I make all these plans, and I'm never sure how I will feel when the time comes.
Thanks for all of your comments. I'm sure that it's hard for some of you to read about my pregnancy. I'm sorry that I seem so whiny about it. I wasn't expecting to do this part alone.

I'm no where near convinced that I will be bringing home a healthy breathing baby in about six months.

Everyday I think, "Baby, please be strong. Please don't die."

Nov 1, 2009

All Alone

I'm sorry I haven't been writing. I was visited by a migraine and a sense of intense loneliness this weekend. Last night while taking Ivy trick or treating, surrounded by little pea-pods and super-girls and black cats, I suddenly felt all alone.
I am so lonely. I find myself yearning to have Kenny here to experience this with me. I'm beginning to feel the tiniest of flutters and I know they will turn into kicks and jabs before Kenny comes home.
I wish he wouldn't have missed the ultrasound. I wish he would have gotten to meet the Dr. that (hopefully) will be bringing this baby out of my womb and into this world. Sadly, that can't be my job this go around.
I wish he were here to eat my cooking and bring me a glass of water every now and again. I wish he were here to rub my achy back.
This is going to sound selfish, but I feel abandoned.
When Ivy goes off to school in the mornings, I find myself staring at the walls and staying lost in thought for hours. This is a far cry from my usual crafting, creating, active and imaginative self.
I've always cherished time to myself, but at this point, I'm sick of me. It's just me and my thoughts and my crazy dreams and my warm bed.
I'm not forgetting that Ivy is here with me; I'm only referring to the increasing number of hours I spend with just myself and my dogs.
I feel selfish for wanting more than this.
I am just feeling so utterly and helplessly lonely.

Oct 27, 2009

My weekend in pictures...

Oct 22, 2009

Hi you

I'm here. Alive and breathing. The tiny one is still safe and sound inside (as far as I know) and I'm having my first ultrasound in about two hours. Kenny won't be joining me unfortunately because he's in Baton Rouge until Christmas.
I was having blog withdrawals and it was strangely difficult to not blog on the days Zoe died and was buried two years ago on the 17th and 19th of October. My internet provider left me hanging with no home phone and no internet for eleven days. I must have called them twenty times. They kept reminding me I was a 'valued customer'.

I've missed interacting with you all so much. Don't be surprised to find very late comments from me as I catch up on all your blogs. Actually, could you do me a favor and leave a comment letting me know what you've all been up to the last two weeks? Even if you sat in your house all day in your pajamas, tell me about it. I need this, you have no idea. Thanks Margaret and Birni for checking ion on me. Jennifer, I saw you had your baby. I'm so happy for you. Angie, I'm loving your random acts of kindness adventures and I'm so happy you 'came out' about your new little one.
Love to you

(Eta: My ultrasound was great. The baby measured one day ahead of schedule. My placenta is in a weird position but I was assured that it wouldn't hurt a thing as this baby is coming out in a scheduled cesarean if all goes well. I could worry about it, but I just won't. I watched my tiny baby dance around in my tummy. I saw hands, feet, elbows. It was beautiful, and ended much too quickly.
I am 12wks1d today. Tommorrow I am driving to Baton Rouge. Saturday I'll be at a parade with one of my long time best friends in New Orleans. I am looking foward to the lack of responsibility that will accompany this little trip and though I will see Kenny, it will be briefly as he will be on set this weekend as well.
I plan to take lots of pictures with my new camera, and put a pictures only post up when I get back. Have I ever told you how much I adore being 'down south'? It feels more like home to me though I was mostly raised right here. It's busier and there are many more interesting people from all different cultures.
Anyway. It's time to find an indie film I haven't watched on netflix and get in the bed to watch it. I have a busy day tomorrow. Ya'll have a great weekend.)

Oct 12, 2009


My birthday was great. I say was, as it is today but it was celebrated this weekend (all weekend really) due to every one's schedule etc.
Saturday, Kenny took Ivy and I to breakfast and I ordered all sorts of things and barely ate half. Then he took me to pick out a brand new camera. I am so thankful for that. I took these pictures in my yard right away.

Saturday night, my mom and dad took us to my favorite sushi and hibachi restaurant. (I skipped the raw fish of course) It was SO good.

Mom and I

The next day I rearranged my our bedroom and put to use the comforter my mother bought me for my birthday. Then we went out to eat with my best friend and her husband and their new little one. I had a really great time.

Kenny's family runs this place so I was on alert for the sombrero entourage. I repeated told him 'no sombrero' but he did it anyway..of course! It wasn't that bad though as it was a Sunday night and it was raining and we were one of three tables, but they pulled out the kitchen staff and sang their birthday song...

I really had more fun this weekend than I have in a long time. I got a much needed attitude adjustment and I feel great today.
There's always a tension for me subconsciously that lasts until my birthday and softly blows away once it's here. I'm glad it's finally here. I will celebrate quietly, alone and with peace in my soul for the first time in a long time.

Oh, and on Friday, before all of this I went back to blonde..and it feels right for now.

Oct 4, 2009

What is hope to a babyloss mom?

This time two years ago, I was still in the hospital. I believe that the blood transfusions were finished, and I was receiving visitors and walking up to see Zoe as often as they would let me. It was hard to stay focused on eating and getting healthy, when what I wanted was my girl healthy, and no amount of cold hospital gruel was going to help her. The details are fuzzy now, but I remember having a shred of hope. I even added Hope into her name at the last minute. My mother and I decided that we would have hope until there was no hope, and that's what we did.
I knew that the lack of oxygen had left her blind. I could handle that. They said she was deaf, but they never tested, and I saw her react to my voice until almost the last day. I never thought she was deaf. I was willing to accept whatever life with her would entail for me and Ivy even with her diagnosis of 'severely disabled', but I wasn't willing to accept that it was never going to be a possibility. Until it wasn't.
That hope that I held for my sick little girl, seems to be the last time I've had real hope. I realized that today. I can't have the same hope for this baby, because I've had as much hope as you can have and it didn't matter.
It's not that I don't hope that this baby will make it here fine, I do. It's just that I can't really imagine this child here, in my home, in my arms. I have a 'wait and see' attitude. It's been six years since I've really taken care of an infant. The care that I provided for Zoe consisted of changing her diaper, or her socks, whenever they (rarely) told me it was fine to do those things. Zoe never even wore clothes except for the outfit that her daddy and I put on her before they took out her breathing and feeding tubes before she died in my arms.

Hope is now a bit of an abstract thought for me.

I don't know how I can help it, but I think that the 'wait and see attitude' is okay. I may never feel the certainty I once did that everything will be fine, and I think that's ok.
I'm still very much trying to go easy on myself. To breathe and relax and live in the uncertainty. I try to count my blessings. I try. I may fail, many times daily, but I'm trying, and I've got to give myself a pat on the back for least.

How has hope changed for you since you lost your baby(ies)? Is it easy for you to be hopeful, or do you struggle? Tell me. I'd love to hear your thoughts...

I googled caffeine content in chocolate and found that in milk chocolate, there is as much caffeine in an 8oz bar as there is in a cup of decaf. My doctor said that I could have decaf, so I think it must be fine.
I recieved a very sweet package in the mail yesterday. I adore the lady that sent it to me. It made my day. I really need to go and thank her!

Oct 2, 2009


I just awoke from the deepest sleep I've had in a long time. You were there, and you were there too. Actually me an Angie were in an Australian mall with Carly and Scarlett and River, which was more like a theme park with water slides and the like, mixed in with small stores and cafes. ANyWAy, it was one of those long interrupted dreams with a thousand strange details that leaves you, upon waking, wondering what world you belong to. It takes a minute to get re-acclimated.
I woke up freezing. Oh yeah, it's that time of year. Go to make coffee. Damn, can't have coffee. How am I going to break out of this haze now? All I can think about is going to Starbucks for a caramel latte, oh wait, make that a salted caramel hot chocolate..uugh. I'm also trying to talk myself out of going back to the same Chinese restaurant I got take-out from yesterday, and ordering the exact same thing today. It feels excessive. I still want it though. Come to think of it, my sock drawer stash is empty. I can't live without chocolate. I think I'll google caffeine content in all of my favorite chocolate today and find what I can have.
Look at me giving myself reasons to get out of the house. I think I'll go out then, but I'll make it quick. I feel strange and sarcastic. I need to wash clothes and I want to work on a pair of bluebirds I'm making. I'll try, but today just screams 'lazy day'.

Oct 1, 2009

Nine weeks and one day..

I went to the doctor, and I made it through. I have been dreading it, and now it's over. I'm measuring nine weeks and one day, which is right on track. The baby's heartbeat was in the 160's, 170's just like my last two GIRLS. Kenny got to hear the heartbeat which was nice. I thought that hearing it would make me feel better.
I'm on caffiene restriction and the jokes about that aren't quite funny to me yet. I've never gone without coffee or chocolate so we'll see.
Today I was going to list what I am grateful for and all that but I'm wore out. I have the house to myself until 6:30pm. so I'm going to get some chinese soup and eggrolls and have some movie watching, housework ignoring, all animals outside Lindsay time. I am grateful for that!
I am grateful that the baby is healthy. I've never had any problems until much later than this. Perhaps that is why I don't feel the relief that I thought I would.
I'm not going to push myself to feel any other way than how I do feel.
Thank you for remembering my Zoe's birthday with me. You guys are incredibly sweet.


Sep 29, 2009


I made a place to reflect on my girl..

I made her a cake.

Sadly, or in Ivy's case gladly, we ate it in the guest of honor's absence.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl. I hope to see you in my dreams...

This video was taken on my birthday I believe. I'll warn you, there are N.I.C.U. alarms and lots of tubes and tape. I could only whisper, and it was a bit awkward to have so many people in the room staring at you while you hold your baby for one of the few times you'll ever have a chance. At one point my mom (who is taking the video) tells me to smile and I assume she's taking a picture so I smile big and stupid for the video. Anyway, these few bits of video that I own make her feel more real to me. Perhaps they will do the same for you as well. Here is my Zoe. I miss her so much.

Happy Birthday Zoe

Happy Birthday my sweet girl. In a little while, I'm going to buy more votive candles and buy some flowers for your birthday. I'm sorry that I can't go to your grave today. Mommy always feels guilty about placing you so far away from her.
I hope they throw you a huge party in Heaven. I hope you look down on your big sister and I today and know how much we miss and love you.
I'll try to upload my only video of you to share you with my friends here.
I must go and wake your big sister up now. It's important that she get to school. Don't worry though, Mommy's not done remembering your birthday. We'll have some special time when no one else is home.
I miss you and love you more than words could ever express.
Happy Birthday my little baby Zoe-Beth. I can't believe that you would be two today...

Sep 28, 2009


Kenny says that I'm a glass-half-empty girl. That makes me sad. I just understand now, more than ever that we are not promised that things will be just fine.
Today is the day, two years ago, where I feel that I could have stopped what happened. I let myself get upset and anxious. I was told that I looked pale and out of it, and took that as a manipulation, not a warning. The next morning, I was roused from my sleep from a dull yet increasing pain. Did I go to the emergency room right then, a measure that had the ability to save my daughter's mind and in turn her body? No, I didn't. When I went it was too late, almost for us both. She didn't die then, but that's when she stopped becoming a person to that doctor.
She was always a person to me.

I haven't abandoned trying to have a positive attitude. I'm only sad that it's almost my daughter's second birthday and her birth wasn't met with much joy. There will be no party and cake for her tomorrow, only me and this empty house.

Sep 27, 2009

Trying Something New

It's time to change the channel. I don't like the way my blog 'feels' anymore. This is the last time I will be with child, and I've come to see that this, in and of itself is worth celebrating, regardless of the outcome. (yes, I'm very liberal with my commas)
So, I've decided to show you (and myself) a different side of me. I'm choosing the 'fake it till you make it approach', plus, my life is far from all bad, and I'll be forced to feel better if I quit focusing on it so.
I will be nine weeks on Wednesday. I have my first appointment with my new ob on Oct 1. Not looking forward to the internal exam, I mean, I don't know this guy!? I've been craving tuna salad on crackers covered in paprika. It tastes horrible if it makes it's way back up and out, but that doesn't deter me for long. I've been hoarding away food because if I don't eat things I truly like, I won't eat at all. I feel bad hiding yummy food around but I tell myself it's for the baby. I've also wanted meat and potatoes all the time, like for breakfast. In fact, I'm cooking a steak on the stove now, just for me, cause Ivy's (LO) at the circus and Kenny is helping his parents with some yard work. I will smother it in A1 and no one is around to tell me how I'm ruining it with the sauce. Yumm...
I've been compiling a list of things (mostly in my head till now) that make me smile. I try to focus on these things when I'm feeling anxious or vulnerable. Every Wednesday, I'm going to update the list with more recent blessings to keep myself positive. I believe that ten is a good number. Per week that is..

What makes me smile this week:
1)My smart and incredibly beautiful eldest daughter.
2) The fact that I'm starting to finally listen to what the death of my youngest precious baby has to teach me.
3) The decision to make an effort to be joyful and make good memories for this pregnancy.
4)Loving a man that loves me too and who is trying now to support me the way that I need to be supported.
5)The hummingbirds that come to my feeder on the porch.
6) Those quiet moments in the morning when Kenny is at work and Ivy is at school when the day is not demanding anything from me quite yet.
7)Making tiny trinkets and characters
8) Brownie Sundae's
9) My favorite blog-friends who are found in my thoughts everyday and I know I am in their thoughts as well.
10) My steak coming out looking great and tasting amazing.

This is THE first steak I've ever tried cooking. I cooked and ate most of it while writing this post! I'm sure I'll be cooking steak a little more often now.

What's keeping a smile on your face these days? I promise it will feel good to type a few of them out :)

Sep 25, 2009

It's coming...

It's possible that I've been having such a hard time lately, because Zoe's would be second birthday is Tuesday. She lived for nineteen days. From September 29 to October 17 I am suspended in time. My birthday is squashed right in there as well. I turned 26 when Zoe was still here, on October 12. They let me hold her for my birthday. She died five days later. My birthday will never feel the same. Honestly, I'm only looking forward to the possibility of cake.
There are no plans for Zoe's birthday. My dad usually drives my mom and Ivy and I to the cemetery. It's a family cemetery and it's further south and I don't know exactly how to find it myself. I hope she doesn't think we forgot her or that I don't care. I will go some time between her birthday and her death day I'm sure. Most of my family will not remember or acknowledge her. I'm a pretty crummy guardian of my daughter's legacy myself. I know that it sounds incredibly morbid, but I try not to let the image of another little heart shaped headstone with another of my baby's names next to hers. It's difficult.
I feel like I have taken three giant steps back.

Sep 24, 2009


No one left anyone yesterday. In fact and oddly enough, we haven't spoken about it. He's been back at work on a big production. They have part of an interstate shut down and the sets are splattered all over town, so I'm guessing his job is very stressful right now.
I'm trying to be proactive. I'm researching prenatal yoga centers around here and I'm going out and getting some high fragrance soy candles and some chocolate today. Do you think it's selfish that I stash chocolate in my sock drawer so that no one sees it and I don't have to share it?

You guys are kind and amazing.

Sep 23, 2009

alone then

Yesterday, when I wrote that last post, I was angry, hurt and felt all alone. This morning I feel very similar. Add nausea and anxiety and you got it.
I have felt VERY unsupported, and really, honestly I am. Kenny and I are having issues. That's rather strange as now he's started a new movie and I don't see him much. He seems angry and distant and needs to blame someone. He came home early and showered yesterday and then left, to play pool. I was asleep after he got home. I forced myself to ignore the searing anxiety in my diaphragm and willed myself to sleep. I'm sad that he chooses to lash out on the one carrying his child and taking care of a seven year old, three dogs, cats and a home and him as best that I can.
Yesterday I thought that I had developed a 'fool-proof' way of encouraging him to be supportive. I tried it this morning. He slammed the door on his way out. My stomach has jumped up to join my heart in my chest.
I am looking at another lonely day, not feeling supported yet needed and expected.
I am running out of steam. I am trying to take care of me, but at the moment that feels impossible. I want to disappear.
I failed Zoe, by letting the stress overcome me. This feels like a recurring nightmare. If you know me (even if you don't) and you think perhaps I'm driving him can't drive someone who is already running, away from you.

Before Kenny slammed the door and left, he told me he was packing his things when he gets home. I only asked him to help support me, to make time to talk to me about things. I told him I was lonely and he told me he was leaving.

Sep 22, 2009

Time to stand (so to speak)

If I wait for a cheery happy post, you may not hear from me for a while. I am lonely and very tired. I keep reminding myself to breathe deep, to stop breathing shallow. I remind myself that I'm not alone, but even when I'm not, I am.
I've long understood that you cannot convince anyone of anything if they aren't ready to hear it. I have many things that float around in my brain, that aren't given a voice, because I try to play nice. I have noticed however, that many people want what they want, feel entitled to said want, and single-mindedly go after it without much regard for say, other human beings.
I don't know how to slow down and take care of me. No one else knows how to slow down and take care of me either. I feel selfish asking for that, but I'm finally being honest with myself in saying that I can't do this without support. Every other incident in most of my life has been met with a 'I can take care of myself' attitude. I don't want to do this by myself.
I am the one willing to do it, however. If I have to take care of me, and be my own support system, I will. If only for the hope of this baby inside me. If only for a prayer of a chance that this baby will come home to live. I will eat well and healthy. I will not wear myself ragged. I will not struggle to help anyone else understand my need to take care of me right now.

For the first time in my life, I'm consciously deciding to be unapologetically (I know that's not a word but it should be) good to myself. I hope people that I know accept that. I don't see anyone else in line to do it. I won't complain (much) and I am going to stand up and count my blessings and love my body and protect my feelings and my sanity from myself and everyone else.

Sep 19, 2009

OB Oh Sh*t!

I got the call yesterday. The call from the o.b. that dumped me. He barely let me speak, and then we were disconnected and when I called back, he had already left for a delivery.
Basically, he seems to almost be sure that I will rupture again. He kept quoting the 33% risk as if it's not in my mind already. I did a bit of online research and EVERYTHING I read said the risk was more like 10-17%. He said that I had a risk of getting to the hospital closest me and he warned that if I had an emergency after 5pm that I would likely have to wait for an o.b. to arrive and because in my case time is of the essence, I could lay there and die waiting for a doctor. He said I should go to a trauma hospital that is about thirty minutes or more from where I live.
I understand telling me to be careful, and instructing me to go to the place with the best care for me is nice and all, but he continually reminded me how rare my situation was and how most babies don't die from a placental rupture. I KNOW THAT!
He went on and on about when I rupture this time. When? How is he so sure?
I asked him why he said it was ok to try again then in the first place. He told me that he doesn't decide who should or should not have babies. Does that seem like a very cliche' answer to you?
I found a doctor a city over. I looked at his patient ratings on-line. I found this:
I chose Dr.XXXX after I had a hard time being able to see my original doctor. What a bad decision. I was always somewhat uncomfortable with his behavior and questions. I was a young, single parent and I think he had little respect for me. I was full term when I was admitted to the hospital for high blood. I stayed in the hospital for 4 days and Dr.XXXX felt I was okay for me to be released. All the nurses couldn't understand why he was taking such a risk. Well, the next day Friday, April X, I was rushed to the hospital and an emergency C-section was performed. That day XXXX was born and became an angel in heaven. I would suggest that everyone do a check on your doctor's, make sure they are able to handle emergency C-sections, make sure the hospital is equipped to handle distressed situations.

Everything about this is a risk now. IF I rupture, I can't get across the river in less than forty-five minutes and that's if there's no traffic. If I go to the closest hospital, there's the chance there will be no one there to help. If I go to the trauma hospital, we'll have to pray that I get there in time, and they take me seriously, as people have died in their emergency waiting room. I didn't realize how HORRIBLE health care is in this city until now. Until my child's life depends again on a rule or a policy or availability of medical professionals. Why wouldn't EVERY hospital with an emergency department not keep an anesthesiologist and a ob on call at all times?!
I had a fitiful sleep last night. Reliving the trauma that was Zoe's birth, fear for the same outcome.I lay in bed awake after, praying for daylight to break the dread in my mind. I keep repeating in my mind, I can't rupture. I won't rupture. This baby will be fine if I make it to my scheduled cesarean. I can't rupture. I won't rupture.
I am scared. I am anxious. I'm tired of trudging through everyday. I've begun to needle felt again. I've started to get projects finished for my last three contest winners. None of it is any comfort. I pray and God feels far away.

Sep 17, 2009


When I learned that Zoe was probably not coming home, I had to have my stitches removed at ob's office as well that day. I don't know why, but I expressed my fears at ever having another child with him. He assured me that I would be fine as he would always take me as a patient and he would do so many scans and so many checks that there's no way that I would lose the next one. He also said that I would have to have a cesarean and that I would have to go to the hospital at any sign of rupture or labor.
Well, as a far as the first bit, he lied. I called him today, and his nurse called back and informed me that my high risk ob, wouldn't feel comfortable taking me on as I was such a high risk. Isn't that the point of a HIGH RISK OB??!! And he completely told me what I wanted to hear in his office that day yet when it was time to fulfill a promise, he doesn't want to take the risk. How afraid should I be if my own doctor is too afraid to treat me?
How will this baby get out if I can't have it natural and no doctor will take me?
This is crazy. I am angry/sad/frustrated but mostly very afraid...

Sep 13, 2009

This loud silence..

Recently, and not for the first time in my life, perhaps for different reasons, I'm at a loss for words. The world is spinning around my head as always, but I find myself lost in a few situations and more than a few questions.
The anxiety is a bit better. I'm still afraid that something will happen to this baby and I know that it would make me so sad. I'm afraid of surgery and especially of being AWAKE during them. I know women do it every day and that in my case it's necessary but being cut open while awake has always been my biggest fear in both my pregnancies. I wasn't exactly 'there' for my cesarean with Zoe but if the rest of it was much worse than the ten minutes immediately prior, I'm glad that I wasn't. Pregnancy very nearly ended my life almost two years ago. I am afraid for this child, but is it selfish to be afraid for me too?
It does feel better to get that out in writing. I've needed a way to sort of re-connect with this community. I have a love/hate relationship with it really as I'm sure many of you understand. No one wants to be here, but when they need it, they're so grateful it exists. I don't talk much about the baby to anyone unless I just have to have a nap or some other pregnancy fatigued related issue. I feel like I must tip-toe until the baby is here or it'll all go bad. It's very strange that a looming date on a calendar in the future, has the potential of being one of the absolute best or one of the absolute worst days of my life and it's coming whether I like it or not now. Funny, I didn't think I would feel this afraid. I'm trying though, I am. I don't want anxiety to rule my life for the next however many months.
I've got to go now. Kenny has a union meeting tonight and LO is still down the street at a friends, but mostly, it's dreary and windy and cool and very fall-like outside and the melancholy is appealing.

*and Penny, thank you for asking. I am doing ok just staying quiet..
*if you won a blog contest, I haven't forgotten. Please forgive me for taking so long.

Sep 7, 2009

Honest Scrap Award

I was about to post this right before we got the news that Jet died. I just couldn't imagine how it was appropriate to post silly things about myself and try to be funny when we were all in such shock. It's hard to believe that Mirne and Craig's third baby dying, would seem to take so much out of me. I can not imagine what they were/are/will be feeling.
Did anyone else sense the hush that has fallen over babyloss blogland?

So here's the finished draft that was started during happier times.

Caitsmom at A Fifth Season, Mirne at Frejya Ione and Kees Henry and Lea at Nicholas' Touch have nominated this blog for The Honest Scrap award.

I have yet to learn how to publish links. I get the little prompt window like everyone else and then I have no idea what to do. I've tried trial and error and it's always an error. It's not that I can't follow directions, I just don't know how...

There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and, secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

Therefore, I pass on the Honest Scrap award to the following bloggers and hopefully they will forgive my lack of computer skills. I'm sorry if you've already been nominated:

Jennifer @ He Will Carry Me
Angie @ Still Life With Circles
M @ The Unlucky Lottery
Larns @ Magic Rain
Birne @ All the Little Ponies
Monique @ Samuel Marc
Tina @ Living Without Sophia and Ellie

Now, ten honest and hopefully interesting things about yours truly:

1) I have a strange love/hate relationship to paper. I love it, in that it's versatile, convenient, and I can fill it with some paint and my imagination. I hate that it's so dry. I can not read a paper-backed book without lotion on my hands. I can't stand the roughness of it. It gives me the prickly sensation of nails on a chalkboard. One of the mental considerations I make before deciding on a restaurant has to do with the texture of their napkins. If it's been a bad day or I've been sweating (it's very humid where I live) cloth napkins please!

2)I am a shy adult. I was not a shy child, or a shy teen. I used to love to meet new people, and I would talk to anyone. I still like to meet new people, but I'm not near the extrovert that I was. I am shy. I get awkward and self conscious. It's strange to think that I'm like that now, but it's undeniable. I am painfully shy around doctors, L.O's teachers, K's parents, even members of my own family.

3) When I was 15, I was sent to an overzealous religious girls home for nearly a year. We worked long hours outside in the burning heat, doing 'God's work', kept busy as 'idle hands, were in fact, the devil's workshop', or so they liked to say. We had our food rationed and had limited contact with our family and none with our friends. I was denied medical care on many occasions (I had untreated gastrointeritis for over two months) while they sent reports home and spoke on the phone to my family that I was doing just peachy and growing in the Lord. We watched animals get slaughtered and had to castrate baby piglets. (I became a vegetarian for a time after) We went to churches and sang for money/donations. We went to a one room school and earned credits that were worthless in the real world. It was there that I learned about survival. It was there that I learned about sabotage and manipulation. I dreamt of that place for almost exactly seven years afterward and still have a dream now and then. It took me a long time to trust people again and an even longer time to trust Him.

4) I have at least one aquarium everywhere I have lived since I was 9. I started out with a Betta that my grandmother had given me when she used to own a pet store. I had fish from the lake, fish from the pet store and fish that my dad would bring home from his adventures looking for Indian artifacts or hunting. I've had two octopus' (octopi?) and a cayman crocodile, to name a few of the stranger animals I've had around.

5)I collect Chinese and Japanese tea sets. I adore white oolong and jasmine green tea. If I was smart, I would drink these in lieu of coffee. K likes a cup of hot tea after a long hard day at work.

6) I hide things from myself. For example, I'll walk around with something in my hand, looking for the perfect place to put it, and when I leave it there, that something is now lost. I will never be able to remember where I put it. K will remember that I had lost it, and spot it, or I find it when I clean or rearrange furniture. LO does it too and it drives K nuts.

7) I love the show 'Wife Swap'. It is ridiculous and funny. They mix families that are completely opposite and the results crack me up. My favorite part is the resistance from the family when it's the new mom's turn to do things her way. I also like 'The Nanny'. It makes me feel a bit better about my situation. Is that wrong?
Other than that (add in 'House', of course), I don't watch much television.

8)K's real name is Kenneth, but we call him Kenny. We grew up in the same neighborhood. I actually got sent to stay with my aunt in Washington state, for getting caught at his house when I was 16 and freshly out of that nutty place in entry 3. We didn't see each other again until he saw me buying M&M's at a store by my house after Zoe had died. I found out that he lived around the corner from me and had for the last few years. We started seeing each other and have been together since.

9) My favorite foods are fruits, cheeses and sweets. Cream pies, layer cakes, cookie cakes you name it. I love to bake and it's rare that you won't find a roll of cookie dough in the fridge or a few muffin mixes laying around. I do bake from scratch, but the kitchen must be spotless and I have to really be in the mood. I made a two-layer cake for Zoe's first birthday, and I plan to do it this year as well. It helps me feel as if I'm doing something normal for her, even if we eat it after we go visit her grave.

10) I am a little bit of a germ-a-phobe. I have lived in this house a little over two years and have changed the floors twice. I got Lucy (my border collie for those that don't know) after Zoe died, so lets just say that grief and potty training a dog don't mix well. Now days my dogs are fairly well trained, but nonetheless I was not satisfied with the carpet. It was a deep chocolate and smelled like poo. I had been fretting and loathing the carpet. I mentioned it to Kenny and he went and bought oak flooring and installed it in the living room this weekend. It will be put in the kitchen before long, but until then, I am just thrilled with the living room. I LOVE it. I also love my baby for dealing with my quirks and going along with it because he loves me.

I'll end this post with a picture or two of my baby's handiwork. ;)

Do you see LO's new border collie baby? So cute...

Sep 2, 2009


Yesterday, was not a great day.
I'm trying to make today better. Something about early pregnancy always causes lots of anxiety for me, and this time it's almost worse, because I know that terrible things happen, and I am in no way immune. I try not to worry about it, but it's not something I feel like I control. I wake in the middle of the night, sweaty and cold and anxious.
I don't have much to say. I'm forcing myself to get out of the house as I will feel worse if I just sit here.
I am so sad for Mirne and Craig. I am just shocked for them and I can't imagine how their world has fallen apart.

Anyone have any pregnancy friendly tips for relieving anxiety? I can't do this for the next nine months. It can't be good for either one of us, and that makes me anxious about being anxious...sigh...

Aug 31, 2009

You are the greatest! (yes, YOU)

I'll actually write a post tomorrow but I wanted those who cared to know that I am feeling much better. I can feel your thoughts and prayers and love. I got a sweet package today, that I'll talk about tomorrow, that blessed my soul more than I can say. (it also blessed my taste buds) :)

I decided to open myself up to sunlight and love today, and it worked. It actually worked.

Aug 30, 2009


I do not feel like myself. K doesn't like me right now. LO has had an overnight guest for two days. I let her stay another night honestly, because I was too riddled with anxiety to take her back home yesterday. K is building a short fence in the front yard for no good reason other than to get away from me while still saying he was here. He is off for two weeks. his next job may be in another city. I will be alone. There is too much work to be done in this country home for one person. I'll run myself ragged like I did last time. Great. This is K's first child. He has no idea that he should be afraid. This in turn makes me feel terribly afraid and unable to talk about it. Everything is NOT going according to plan.
I'm going to throw up now...

Aug 28, 2009

Sorry for the bomb...

OK so that last post was dry and awkward. Kind of how I am feeling at the moment. There is a part of me that want to wear all of my flowery paisley skirts and be the airy pregnant bohemian. Problem is, I don't know what to feel and my emotions seem to be staring up at me like,"What do you want from us?"

When I lost Zoe, I was told that I may not get pregnant easily or at all. That was the main reason behind not trying to prevent it. I was also reminded, quizzed actually, that I had a thirty-five percent of another rupture with another pregnancy. I have read different statistics on the Internet, but when I went for my post-natal appointment, my ob asked,"Do you remember the percent chance of having this occur again?", "Thirty three percent", I said obediently for the third time in as many months. It felt like a warning, a 'don't say I didn't warn you!'
I have been technically TTC for around ten months. I know that there are many of you trying and I truly hope this news does not sting. I will always try to be sensitive to those so wanting to just be pregnant. I am happy, but a part of me is numb. I explained it to K like this: 'If you were in a terrible tragedy say, on a roller coaster for instance. Say one of your children are killed when something goes wrong. Assume after a few years you decide you want try to ride the roller coaster again despite the nagging fear and anxiety that's creeping up your neck. Now to
the average Joe on the street, it may seem silly for you to be strapped in the cart
crying and speaking of your fear of death. However it would still be a valid
fear wouldn't it? Even things as beautiful and miraculous as pregnancy are utterly terrifying to begin with, but when things go horribly wrong and you lose your child and your older child almost loses her mother, it can be a nightmare.'

So, I suppose I got what I asked for, and I am extremely thankful. I just don't see me jumping up and down just yet. Perhaps I'll relax when they say,"Ms. Barr, it's a 'insert boy or girl here' !!!" And see a screaming healthy pink baby.
I suppose all I can do is wear the skirts and pat the belly and wait for peace to come. Peace in the outcome.

I will be living one day at a time, as that is all that I can take. I will pray for a good outcome, a healthy baby, and to keep the rest of my heart in my chest.

In a book I was reading a lady said, " I'm better at the details, than with the big picture." Those words stuck with me. That's exactly how I have felt my whole life.

(edited to add: I have read a few posts tonight that fill me with sadness. I am sad for those of you for whom this news was hard to hear. I am scared and I feel that I should be more grateful. I do know how you feel, honestly. I always felt better after a while, but first hearing about it can feel like a blow. My heart is truly with you)

I hear the theme music from 'The Twilight Zone' in my brain...

I don't know how to put this. I hope no one goes away due to this. I know this has hurt me when someone has said it on their blogs. I was going to keep this a secret, but to me, I just couldn't blog at all if I had to be secretive. I don't know if this will be okay. I am scared and I feel very strange and I'm really not ready...


I'm pregnant

Aug 22, 2009

Gotta run, but I'm still here...

After a morning of shopping for supplies in preparation of my third and final project. (maybe, I'm going to see how a head band I'm making myself, is worth selling in my soon to be shop online)
When I'm done typing this, I'm heading to the post office to mail Angie and Peggy's packages. They will be followed shortly with Mirne's and Monique's, and the M"s (I've finished that one) and Jennifer, when ever she tells me what she wants: ).
Other than that, life is boring. I'm through with the first week of the 'two week wait' so keep your fingers crossed if you would.
I keep you all in my thoughts.
I must go now. The post office and then get to work finishing Mirne's bear.
(I'm thinking of you Mirne, and I am hoping so much for you this coming week!)
Love Lindsay

edited to add: I will NOT be going to the post office as it is closed today. Monday then...

Aug 19, 2009


I have been VERY edgy the last three or so days. This morning in particular. I got on-line this morning , to give me a bit of time to read, but I've read every blog I'm 'following' (does that term irk you too?) and I've become more aggravated the longer I've been out of my bed.
I got LO off to school. I went to feed the dogs and realized that the 52lb bag of dog food I bought yesterday that I oh so sweetly asked K to get out of my back seat for me last night, is still in my car. If I open it in my car, it will reek of dog food in there. If I take it out, I will hurt my neck and shoulder. I am not supposed to lift over ten pounds. I do it anyway, but 52lbs is a guaranteed pain in the neck for the rest of the day. In fact, my neck hurts just thinking about it.
Very early this morning (and last night, and yesterday when he got home from work and the night before that) I woke up for a few minutes as K was getting ready for work and asked him not to forget the trash. (We live in the country with no trash service, he has the truck) He told me that he had already done the trash, so I went back to sleep. When I did get up to get LO up, (still very early) I went to throw away a plastic bread wrapper and guess what? The trash was still there!
Now before you get bent out of shape and think I have no patience, you must know, that I have taken over ALL household duties. Honestly, I am not used to not having help and I find myself choosing one chore over another as I simply can not do it all in one day and go pay bills and do the shopping and the cooking, feed and take care of five cats (outside cats but still, they have to eat and not have fleas) and three large dogs and seven puppies. (the male is going for a nueter Monday and the females every subsequent Monday after that, per my request) I AM TIRED!
I know K works hard and I know that this job is a blessing, but I really must have help with one or two things (trash and the heavy lifting) and my load would be much lighter if K would just TRY to remember to help a little. He has sleep apnea. He needs a c-pap machine, but is too stubborn to get it. He falls asleep driving, even hit a mailbox on the way home from his first day at work a few weeks ago. I used to feel bad for him, but now that I know that a simple device would make him feel 100% better and I could stop worrying if he's going to die in a car crash every time that he drives alone, I find it hard to feel sorry for him. I guess it's the same as him not feeling bad about my shoulder because I won't do the nerve conduction study. Thing is, even the doctor said the test was painful and there's no real treatment for what they're testing for, other than what I've tried and can't take. To me, that's pain for no reason, for a word, a diagnosis.
I was having, well still have, dreams of just random LOUD chaos. For example, people everywhere, a big cluster of many of the people I've known, moving the contents of their entire home in the streets and in buildings and up flights of stairs, in crowded airplanes with me and usually other random people EVERYWHERE. The noise is just deafening in these dreams and in them, I am searching for solitude and quiet to no avail. I awake still tired and go about my day. My theory is that K snores so loudly, that it permeates my dreams. What do you think about that possiblity? This is every night.
He also falls asleep a lot after work and is VERY hard to rouse. Last night after attempting to wake him four times, I got up and turned off the kitchen and aquarium lights. I sat beside him in the dark living room silently crying, listening to his deafening snoring, refusing to go to bed alone. I eventually went to bed alone anyway to be awake for LO in the morning. I spread an extra quilt over the comforter to make up for K's warmth.
I know I should not complain, but I am tired. I feel glued to this house and I need to spend time with adults. I hate waking him up for dinner, waking him up for a shower, waking him, or in last night's case, not waking him to go to bed. He needs that machine and this is getting ridiculous. This cannot be healthy for him. I just KNOW that he would feel so much better. I hate to watch our relationship suffer because of something that is not his fault and is fixable. When they put that machine on him at the sleep study, he didn't snore and didn't move. He walked in the house the next morning with coffee for the both of us, smiling and picking on LO happy and rested. I want that for him, well us really, every day.
I love him and I know he works hard. I know he didn't mean to forget the trash or the dog food, he was only half awake.

deep breath

I'm better now...

How would you handle a delicate situation with the man you love? Or, what advice do you have for me to ultimately get some understanding and perhaps a good night sleep for him and a lot less worry for me? His ego is bruised easily, keep that in mind. Many of you have been in a committed relationship for much longer than I have and are a bit wiser. I think my 'blurt it out then sort through it later and hope I don't offend approach' is working less the older I get.
I don't like to complain without looking for solutions, so I suppose I'll focus on the things I can control and not worry about what I cannot do anything about.
Thanks for listening..well, reading.

Baby, if you happen to stumble across this post, if you ever manage the time, just know that I understand where you're coming from. I love you. I had to vent in order to get on with my day. I'm alone so much now, so I let it out here, for my familiar strangers and random family's reading pleasure. This is my little place to spew my honest thoughts. I only want the best for us three

ETA: K hasn't been on his computer in weeks. Coincidentally he had to look up the movie schedule last night and ended up here, on this post. He asked me to correct a point that I had wrong.
K did not fall asleep at the wheel (this time) when he hit the mailbox. The car in front of him apparently hit the brakes too hard, causing him to swerve and hit the mailbox rather than the car's rear end. Sorry. I don't see him terribly often and didn't get those details in the initial explanation of the crushed mail box incident.

Aug 18, 2009

I'm here..umm.mostly.

I know I've been blogging about my crafts a lot. I know it's probably boring you. Truthfully, that's all that can hold my attention very long. Today, nothing is holding my attention. Not the need to get out and pay some bills, not the fact that this house has a desperate need to get clean. The weekend was busy and then L.O.'s first day of second grade was yesterday morning. This morning, the brain is busy, the mind is not.

When we walked in and began to put up her supplies yesterday at L.O.'s school, she was fine. I began to fill out a few papers sitting on her desk, when I noticed she was quiet. I looked up and her face was blood red and her eyes were welled up with big alligator tears. "Please stay here with me momma," she said. "I don't want to start school today."
On the way back to the car I thought of the first day of kindergarten two years ago, same school. I was pregnant and self conscious. I remembered being at the sink every morning, trying to put my hair up in a ponytail or a bun, but my hair in the back would stick out straight and chunks of hair would loosen and dangle around my ears. Then in September of that year I had Zoe. In October of that year, five days after my birthday and two days before my mother's birthday, I had to say goodbye, and let her go.
So, sad memories yesterday, mush brain this morning.

I think my half and half has gone bad. My coffee was bitter and gross earlier. I suppose I'll just have to stop at a coffee place here in a minute when I gather my energy and push myself out of the front door.

Aug 13, 2009

As promised...

I've been making dessert charms from Sculpey clay...

I have a love for making miniature things and a serious sweet tooth, so this was perfect for me and a LOT of fun. Don't get me wrong. I didn't have an easy time at first. I have burned many cupcakes after hours of tedious molding and a whole cake, so it has taken some real trial and error.

In a few days I will be trying different techniques for making realistic whipped cream and glaze for fruit pies...

They will be on necklaces, charm bracelets, cell phone charms, and earrings.

Everything is done by hand. I even learned to make fruit 'canes' for the decoration on top of the pies.

I'm putting my last winners (except you Monique, because I'm not done with yours or Mirne's, just be patient with me) in the mail Saturday. Let me know when you've received them.

Everyone who comments on this post, even if you have already won something from me, will have a chance to have your favorite dessert (from a list of what I can do) molded, sliced, wired, baked and sent to your home. I can even do a'la mode (sp?)
You all encourage me so much and I am so blessed for all of you. I would love to send something to all of you that I am glad to know through this blog. Unfortunately, I don't have that kind of money for postage as so many of you don't even live in my country.
These contests are a way for me to bless you back in a random way and without feeling guilty (mostly). That said, I may pick more than one winner...

Please leave your comments soon as I will disable them Saturday night at 10:00 p.m. and announce the winner Sunday night.

Love you guys.