Dec 17, 2008

Some pics of my Zoe...

Zoe Fighting...

Dec 16, 2008

Snippets from Zoe's story

About Zoe:
I am just going to post some old myspace blogs for now, just to give you a little history. I'm in the process of getting our whole story together..

The Birth of Zoe-Beth Part 1
32 1/2 weeks pregnant

It was Saturday. I was waking up early to get L.O.(little one) ready to go to Houston with my parents. I was cramping a little..the way it feels when you start. I decided to lay back in the bed to see if it would stop. I'd been feeling like I was going to have the baby early, and was having Braxton-Hicks contractions, and I thought that was all it was. I called my mother, and asked her to come ( the pain was getting worse and I was a little scared). I sat on the floor to inform the hospital I was coming, and found myself unable to get off the floor. I freaked a little..called L.O.'s daddy to come (I didn't want her to see me like that), and I went on to the hospital sure I was going to have a baby that day, never fearing the worst.

On the way to the hospital, there were no breaks between the pain. We decided that I was probably in labor (I wasn't bleeding) and got to the emergency room.

My back felt like I was breaking in half as the nurses wheeled me upstairs to labor and delivery. The blur of voices and medical terms I barely understood, began. They checked the baby's heart rate (I stopped being able to feel my hands by this point) and began running and yelling and grabbing supplies. As my vision started to crumble and fade away, they strapped me down, informed me that she was going to be born very soon. They brought my mother in, and informed her that she should say whatever she needed to say to me, hinting that it may her last chance to. I looked as deep as I could into her eyes and told her that I loved her. She walked out, and I began yelling for an explanation (as I still had no clue what was going on) and all they would tell me is that my baby and I were in a lot of trouble, and I would be asleep soon. I looked around as best I could at the ceiling ,which looked like it was crumbling down. Then darkness.

I woke up briefly, very drugged, and heard "Do you want to hold your baby"? I barely could see her, I remember the weight of her. I tried to stay awake but it was dark again.

This time, when I woke up, there were tubes and bags of liquid above me. I asked my mother if my baby was going to die. "She's very sick", she said. A doctor came in and told me that my placenta had ruptured 100%. I had bled internally (almost to death). The baby had not been recieving any oxygen and was born with no heartbeat. She was recucitated for 15 min, and was in critical condition.

I became aware of the massive pain in my insides, and was informed that I was holding a button, which immediately released a fat dose of Delaudid. The button pushing began, and I was in and out. I asked to get up and relieve myself, and got up with the help of three nurses. When I got both feet on the floor, thick red streams of blood ran down my legs to my feet. I was assured/told that it was 'normal'?!! My feet made bloody prints all the way to the bathroom, making my room look alot like a bad horror film. I turned around to watch my visitor's faces turn pale.

The nurses finally came to take me to see the baby. Three nurses lugged me and my massive i.v. cart to the N.I.C.U. I had no idea what to expect in there. The second I saw her, I truly thought she would be o.k. She was beautiful, she was swollen, she was fighting.

They began giving me pints of blood by that night. I used the button often, and visitors and reports and needle sticks; even the days became a blur.

To be continued....

Then she lived for almost three weeks on life support. Her father I decided to let her go. I blogged this, that day...

October 18, 2007 - Thursday

My Zoe-Beth

I dressed her in doll clothes (beautiful ones). They put her in my arms and I was terrified. I would have rather been shot. Then they began taking off the breathing tube, and the more I got to see her beautiful face..the calmer I became. She looked like a porcelein doll..I swear. She looked alot like her big sister. She gasped for air for a little while, then began to breathe sporatically. She didn't seizure or turn colors (which I was told to be prepared for) She lasted three my arms. It began to thunder, and lightening flashed in her face, and she began to stop breathing. I snuggled her up to me as she took her last breath. Then it poured down rain.
I guess heaven cried with us. They gave us a box with a lock of her hair..her id bracelets and a cast of her foot. When we left the hospital, it finally felt as if we weren't leaving anything behind. (it did feel like that when we would go home and have to leave her in the NICU)
I feel like she is free now. Free from the confines of her little body and broken mind. I can feel her around me...which is so comforting. The not-knowing and guessing are over..and it's truly a relief.
Thank God for those friends of ours who stuck with us through this, and all the people who prayed whether they knew/liked us or not. I have become much more aware of how many friends I do have..and the love from people I don't even know. I'm ok. Daddy's ok. We're sad, but we have peace for the first time in weeks.
I thank God that I got to be with her for two and 1/2 weeks. She truly is a miracle, despite the end result.
Her obit. will be out in tommorrow's paper. She will be buried in my family's plot in xxx (about an hour from xxx) We can give people an address and they can get a map online..or they can follow us, as we are meeting up and driving there together (because it's hard to find)

Her graveside services are going to be Friday October 19th at 11:00a.m..
Please pray that I find the words to tell Miss L.O. that her baby sister will never come home. I hope she can have the same peace that we do.
Don't stop praying for my little family, and the lives that this has impacted. Thank you so much for going through this with me in a way. it means the world to me. Thank you..Thank you M.S.

I will post more soon about the days after she left us and went to live with Jesus. I hope this slive rof my story helps in any way.
Oh, and I once posted this also, to help my friends and family understand what happened:

November 5, 2007 - Monday

1 out of every 830....
Current mood: sad
Abruptio Placentae

The placenta (afterbirth) is the tissue that joins a mother to her developing baby. It supplies food and oxygen to the baby and removes waste and carbon dioxide. It normally remains attached to the wall of the uterus (womb) until the baby is delivered. Abruptio (ab-RUP-she-oh) placentae (pla-SEN-tee), also called placental abruption, occurs when the placenta breaks away from the uterus ahead of time. The problem can occur anytime between the 20th week of pregnancy and the beginning of delivery. All or only part of the placenta may break away from the uterus. Placental abruption can be dangerous for both you and the baby. You could lose a lot of blood, and the baby could die from lack of food and oxygen.
The exact cause is not known; but high blood pressure, heart disease, and arthritis make it more likely. A trauma such as a car accident or a fall may trigger the problem. Cocaine abuse increases the risk.

If the bleeding continues, fetal and maternal distress may develop. Fetal and maternal death may occur if appropriate interventions are not undertaken. The primary cause of placental abruption is usually unknown, but multiple risk factors have been identified.


In the US: The frequency of abruptio placentae in the United States is approximately 1%, and a severe abruption leading to fetal death occurs in 0.12% of pregnancies (1:830).
Mortality/Morbidity: Maternal or fetal mortality or morbidity may occur.

If an abruption occurs, the risk of perinatal mortality is reported as 119 per 1,000 people in the United States, but this can depend on the extent of the abruption and the gestational age of the fetus. . Fetal morbidity is caused by the insult of the abruption itself and by issues related to prematurity when early delivery is required to alleviate maternal or fetal distress.

Currently, placental abruption is responsible for approximately 6% of maternal deaths.If significant placental separation is present, the fetal heart rate tracing typically shows evidence of fetal decelerations and even persistent fetal bradycardia. . In rare cases, death occurs.

Severe abruptio placentae (70% placental separation) develops abruptly and causes agonizing, unremitting uterine pain (described as tearing or knifelike); a boardlike, tender uterus; moderate vaginal bleeding; rapidly progressive shock; and absence of fetal heart tones.

In addition to hemorrhage and shock, complications of abruptio placentae may include renal failure, disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC), and maternal and fetal death.

Dec 9, 2008

Good morning!

I found a moment while the little one gets ready for school.

I thought I would share my yesterday with you.
I felt SO bad yesterday, and started to wheeze, so I called my mother and asked her to watch my daughter, and I went on to the emergency room alone.

I got there. I sat there, and sat there and sat there.

Then a beautiful English woman and her new grandbaby sat next to me. I listened as she sang to her in that beautiful accent, and it hit me. I sang to my baby, here in this hospital. Four floors above my head. Sadness sat in. Tears came and made my head even more congested, I looked like a crazy person, and no one had a clue.

Finally they called me into triage and took my vitals (I was running a low fever) and put on an id bracelet. Then I sat there...and sat there. I was trying as best as I could manage to stop the tears, but they had already surfaced, and it wasn't looking like they were caring if I wanted them to stop. The tears kept coming, and they never called me, so I got right up walked out of the door. Once in my car, I pulled around to where I could see the window of the room that was Zoe's...the one she didn't leave in this life. 6th floor...fourth window on the right...and I let go. The tears came, followed by the why-God's, and I finally drove home.

I put Ivy in the bed, and sat in my bed alone (well, with my dog...not Lucy, the one above...Otis. Yes he's a pitbull terrier, but that's another blog!). I missed my Zoe SO much. I guess the pain can get easier for a while, but it can be triggered, when you least expect/need it.

That's the fun part of grief. It pops up whenever it wants to, and you may have thought it was gone, or at least more tolerable.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I ask for you to be with those in the midst of grief. Please allow them to see the light of your love, and the strenghth you posess to carry them through this. I pray for parents everywhere whether or not they have lost a child. Give us guidance Lord, and please help us to enjoy nurturing our children, to whatever extent you have allowed. In Jesus' name...

Dec 8, 2008

Lucy and I in LaLa.. (random rants)

This is Lucy (I will be referring to her very shortly).

I am laying in bed, blogging and listening to Enigma (I know, very 1995, but who cares?) Lucy is napping close by (BTW, Lucy is my border collie/best friend). I need to get out of the house, but ,well you know..
I struggle with anxiety and depression, (like half the rest of the world). This blog was created to help me very honest with myself, and try to work out this rut I find in my life. Maybe I should tell you some things about myself, I'll do this in list form as I am not blog savvy (and doubt I will be for a while...bear with me)
I have a six year old little girl, and a baby girl in heaven.
I have been divorced...twice
I have always believed in God, but I have run from, hidden from, and blamed Him from time to time. Basically I am far from perfect.
I have a Father that delights in me despite my sins, and wipes away my tears. I don't have to hate myself, b/c Jesus took my sins far away and His Father holds me in his hands.
I have always had allot of animals, but now that I've bought my own's resembling a zoo.
My daughter has my personality, and it's so adorable and terrifying.
I'm an artist. I work for a re-modeling company right now (until I get my degree in interior design). That's right...I have a tool belt.
I have R.A., and I struggle with pain medications.
Whew! That's enough to roll around in your heads for now. I understand if you decide to leave now...but for those who want to join us, or just stick around, I assure you God has good in store. It's the beginning of a journey, and my ventures have never been boring =)

Zoe-Beth's name in the sand...

Zoe-Beth.jpg (image)
Thank you so much to the wonderful couple at They only do the names of babies who have passed, and it is a most beautiful gesture. Click on the link above to see it.

Dec 1, 2008

Blog #1

Ok, so this is my first blog ever, and I'm not sure what to say. I will be posting pictures soon, and will be figuring out how to make a pretty layout. I love reading blogs and have felt like a 'blog-stalker', so now, it's time to come out of hiding, and share some of life with you in return.