I was worn out!
I had the greatest blessing yesterday! I used to ride horses semi-often when I was young. I cooled down roping horses at rodeos and sometimes got the chance to just go out into a field and take off. I LOVE running horses.
So, yesterday, a friend of K and I was off work and on his way to work with some horses who were getting fat and lazy in the pasture. I wanted to go, so K and I hopped in our friend's (He was third in the world riding bulls in 2006) big 'ole pickup truck and drove about twenty minutes away from town.
From here I will sound like a total redneck, but that's ok. I have no 'parts' cars in my yard, no mud tires on K's truck, and no horses in my 12x20 yard and I don't have a 'tin can station' on my back fence for target practice. That doesn't mean I'm not country though! I've been muddin' (google that one if you're not from these parts..lol) I've gone deer, duck, squirrel,and dove hunting. I fish, in the river, lake or ocean, though I much prefer the ocean. Last year my whole family went to the beach. We had our kids swimming in the same water that others were catching all sorts of things including sharks and crabs. My dad caught a stingray and cut it's stinger off with it's pocket knife (it's ok bleeding hearts, it didn't hurt him at all) and had me carry it to a tide pool for L.O. and all of the other cousins to play with. They loved it! L.O. got pinched on her toe by a passing blue crab. I stepped on a baby hard-head catfish and still have a pock in the side of my foot.
Sound dangerous? That's just how we do it in the most southern part of North America.
ANYWAY, back to the horses.
When we got to the pasture, I was informed that there was a 'bait hog' ( a wild pig used for training 'hog huntin dogs') so I had to go see. I'm TERRIFIED of pigs mostly. Let's just say that I've seen every detail of how pigs are raised and made into bacon...uugh. So, I peek in and it jumps up to the rail putting it's ugly tusks right in my face. They told me to pet his nose...I passed...lol
So we saddle up and go ride. I ran across the field very uneasily at first, and then with a little more confidence. I really enjoyed myself. Our friend and I (and our horses) went to a boarded up little house close to the road. It got a little more fun from there. Both of our horses started rearing up and throwing their heads around. Our friend got his horse some feet away, but mine took me into the carport and started acting crazy. He reared back on his hind legs a little too high once and I jumped off, scraping my shoulder on the wall of this abandoned house.
I walked him out a little bit and got back on but he still seemed spooked and we had to split the reigns and let his horse lead mine out.
That was the only scary part, but it was pretty wild nonetheless. When we rode back around to the gate, the owner of the horses asked us what happened to my shoulder and we explained what they semi-saw from afar. He commenced to tell me that he bought that piece of property from the son of the man who shot himself in that house. I've always heard that horses have a sixth sense, or maybe they shy away from death as much as we try to.
I slept extremely well last night. I am SO sore this morning, but I'm itching to go back. I'm quite sure I'll take L.O. next time. She was bucked off of a pony at a carnival that her father took her to, and is now scared. The last time I put her in the saddle, she begged to come down, and that horse worked in a rehabilitation program for disabled children, and would not have hurt her. I'll have to put her in the saddle with me, so that her 'I can do it by myself' mentality kicks in, and she'll stay up there with confidence.
So, I'm doing things and trying to keep my head up. I'm still free of opiates(whoo-hoo!) and trying to get things ready for K to leave. His departure was delayed two weeks, imagine that. It worked out the way God wanted I'm sure, as I don't think I could have gone through some of the things I have since this journey stopping the pills, without K.
I thank God for His will, His timing, and His strength. Thank you Lord, for what you allow me to experience...good or bad.
Mar 31, 2009
I was worn out!
Posted by Lindsay at 6:21 AM
Mar 25, 2009
After Zoe-Beth was buried, I stayed at my mom's for another week. I was not 'with' her father. I eventually went home, had my life handed back to me, and told, "Call if you need us!,". I rarely called. I felt guilty for her death, and didn't want to bother anyone. I had been on some form of pain-killers since I awoke from surgery. I stayed on them, ordered more scripts, and used them to mask both the physical pain and the emotional pain I was in, so that I could take care of L.O. and our home and animals...all alone. I found a doctor, who, because of my R.A. would prescribe even stronger meds.
They didn't always work completely of course, and the unresolved grief that bubbled up during the 'off' times on the meds, was more than I could bear. At one point I wanted to join Zoe-Beth. I was just so alone, and unable to reach out. Everyone thought that I was just being so strong, or ambivalent, depends on who you were talking to at that time, but I was in an emotional hell, and no one seemed to care.
One day I decided to take scissors to my wrist, but by the grace of God I only ended up cutting off ALL of my long locks instead,(note the picture in the, 'Under the Tree' post) and cut gashes into my legs that will probably prevent me from ever wearing a bathing suit again without a skirt. No one knew that I was going through this. I could not feel God at all, back then. My hair is finally growing out.
Meeting K again, changed a lot for me. I know he was sent from God, back into my life when I most needed him in it. He tried to understand it all. He listened, and still does.
He's helped me get off the meds and was completely understanding, and I have been opiate free for three weeks today. I started painting after the fifth day (I was lying on the couch unable to move for the first three days) I wasn't sure I could stop, and I wasn't willing to make this public until I felt I could beat this or was at least in the process. I'm not out of the woods, but I see the forest through the trees.
There is a two-fold reason for posting something this personal. Firstly, I know that opiate addiction is common for women leaving the hospital with a script for pain-killers and a box of their child's few belongings, instead of their baby. I just want those who are ashamed, like I was, to know that you're not alone. Zoe died in October of 07, and I've only stopped for three weeks. Hating myself for all of that time that I only coped by taking pain pills, helps/heals nothing. Now I'm trying to let God heal me, and trust Him to do it. I know he wants me well and joyful. I'm getting there.
Secondly, I believe that this is where my 'painter's block' has come from. I only wanted to paint the beauty, but it wasn't all beautiful. I've completed two beautiful works, with no sign of the blacks and reds (the colors that surrounded Zoe-Beth's birth)that fill my thoughts at times. I suppose I can't only paint the pretty part. I can only paint pieces of the truth, as I see it, and hope that they convey some beauty after all.
It's like I was with the pills. I couldn't take the good with the bad, I took pills to keep the 'bad' at bay, and it barely worked. With my work, I can't only represent the beauty, I must represent the struggle too. That's how I got where I am right this second. I must accurately portray the whole journey if this is to work out.
So, off to painting #3. I hope the sadness will add some beauty, and help me to heal from what was so scary and life-shattering almost a year and a half ago.
Posted by Lindsay at 5:48 AM
Mar 24, 2009
It's right before eight a.m. L.o.is off to school and K and I are playing with Lucy. Well, he is, I'm obviously typing. The window is open and the breeze is blowing. Rain is on it's way and I feel very calm. I spent time with my Father this morning, and it was what I needed.
YES, Ruth, I still have 'painter's block :( That's about right though; I write down ideas for a year, then pick up my paint brush and change my entire style, forcing me into different ideas. I've been thinking about painting an octopus. I've had two (yes, as pets) and I LOVE them. They are the smartest invertebrate and cephalopods have the fastest camouflage reflex of ANY animal. They are amazing. I'll stop there, as you will begin to realize what a HUGE dork I am.
As far as my night Saturday, I don't know what to say, I did have a good time out though. I will just state a few facts.
I drank too much
Death metal is SO not my thing but all the people that I grew up around play in those type bands.
One of our friends got kicked out for 'threatening' the lead singer of a known death metal band. (that was kinda funny. Imagine this big singer guy, dressed in all black, spiky armbands angry scowl on his face, you get the picture, running up to the club owner and whining about 'threats' that probably never occurred. My friend was a huge fan!?)
We left early (1:45 a.m.)
I had to get K (designated driver) to pull over and while I was 'letting it out', I kept stopping to tell everyone in the car,"It's ok, I'm a soldier!,"
(I don't know about you, but that part was funny to me the next day)
My friend Kayla (see pick in post below) ended up bleeding via an angry accident with her boyfriend.
I was too out of it to help her.
K and I spent the whole next day on the couch, recovering...lol
BTW, I know that this was not the most appropriate way to spend my free time. I only USE to go out like this. Saturday was for old times sake only, and probably the last time.
Enough about Saturday night now K? My next venture out will be to a nice park or something ;)
Well, Ivy had a great weekend with her dad and we were happy to have her back home yesterday.
I need to go shower now as K has some work to go out and do, and I have promised to go with him.
Have a blessed day!
Posted by Lindsay at 5:51 AM
Mar 23, 2009
Mar 21, 2009
Oh my, I have 'painter's' block AHHH! I want to paint and I have materials. I have FINISHED two and have one blank canvas. A blank canvas is almost as precious to me as a finished one. So much possibility. It's getting hard to only paint personal things knowing I would have/want/need to let them go. Perhaps I should only think about the tasks at hand, not where they will end up. I suppose I'll deal with that when I'm there, about 11 paintings away...sigh. I posess the artist temperament (google it!) and I drive myself nuts!
Today is L.O.'s birthday! She is SEVEN! I can hardly believe how fast that time goes. Yesterday I took her cupcakes at school, and took her home early.
Then I took her to my parents home to 'eat dinner', but instead I had set up a suprise party for her early in the day. My parents ordered pizza and K's parents and his niece came as well as my sister and her son. She was SO suprised and happy, and it was the cheapest most relaxing party I have ever had for her. I will post pictures as soon as I get them from my mom. K?
She spent the night at her father's and will be there all weekend. I get a break! Tonight, I'm going back to my roots. There is a live music show downtown, where ALL of my old band friends and kids I grew up with will be. I haven't been out in FOREVER. I'm in the mood today for my flowy hippy dresses and may very well wear one out as yesterday was the first official day of Spring! I love Springtime. Summer's here are miserable and humid and HOT, but spring is just so perfect and new and cleansing.
I'm looking foward to tonight, and I the closest I've felt to excitement lately is anxiety so I hope all goes well. I believe I may have a drink or two, discuss random nonsense and maybe get some inspiration and paint in the late morning tomorrow.
I hope everyone else has a blessed and fun day. At least today, don't forget to breathe.
Posted by Lindsay at 8:02 AM
Mar 18, 2009
Painting my heart and soul into these paintings, like I am doing now, and trying to sell them? This is going to be VERY hard indeed.
Posted by Lindsay at 1:33 PM
Just a quick post to say,"Good Morning!!". I have been painting all week and have almost finished two works. I've been delving into portraits, and I really think my first one turned out great considering how much I've always loathed painting the human form.
I feel like I've turned a new leaf in my style, using acrylics like watercolors, and coming up with some awesome effects.
K has not left for out of town yet. They pushed back the date (imagine that) so he's working at the airport at the moment, wiring security cameras. I like it when K stays in town, with me :), but I feel stronger now, and less nervous, so I'm confident that I'll be just fine when he does have to go. (I've always been fine on my own, till Zoe died. Now I have my moments)
L.O.'s seventh birthday is approaching VERY soon. I am going to suprise her at school Friday, by showing up at her class with balloons and cupcakes, then take her to a party at my mother's after school. Her father and I decided to do her birthday seperate this year. Easy on us, and great for her. What kid could not love two parties, plus a small one at school?
Then, it's her father's weekend to have her, and I will have a little break and K will not be at work :)
I miss everyone, and I hope you all have a blessed and peaceful day. I'm off to pay the car note, then to Hobby Lobby for a canvas and cupcake supplies.
Peek of the new painting coming a little later...check back..
Posted by Lindsay at 4:52 AM
Mar 15, 2009
L.O. and her mommy...before...
Actually I am only visiting the tree quite late after everyone has gone. Honestly, I didn't want to do it, but it will be good for me and I love to share my Zoe. Since I'm up and no one else is awake yet, here goes...
How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
I have been blogging since late 2008. I had been 'blog-stalking' and looking at bereavement sites for months. I had really been hiding in my home and choosing not to made a spectacle of. I felt (and still do) like I reminded all of my friends and family (Two of my closest cousins were pregnant at the time, and Zoe's death SCARED them) So, I finally stopped stalking and set up a blog for real. I was lonely and coveted the encouragements that I saw on others blogs.
The best I can hope for in writing this blog is a journal of sorts, a place to return and reflect (a very public journal I must say!). I also appreciate the acceptance I find in others. Those on this journey of healing, and those brave enough to watch someone else heal from a tragedy they can't imagine. I truly love a few of my 'blog friends' and would go to them in a second if I was able, so I'm investing in relationships here. This is my quiet place.
Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
As far as my REAL feelings, I can share them here. I wonder how long it will last, as a few of my friends are already having issues with bad intentioned blog-stalkers.
In real life, I have a friend who has not actually lost a child in the sense that I have, but she listens and encourages and seems to get it. I love her. I can also call my mom at any time, although at times, I hate to worry her with my feelings as they are usually fleeting.
Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, has been a very good book for me. It helps me to define what is normal, which I've learned that nothing about losing a child so early, or at all, feels normal, and that's ok.
How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
I was a hippy chick with a sassy attitude. I was friendly and passionate. I went out and watched live bands, went to the movies and lived my life. I never thought, that I could/would possibly lose a child. L.O. was delivered the good old fashion way at 8lbs 11oz, and we went home within 48 hrs of her birth, and to this day, has rarely been sick. I was naive.
I didn't know what stress could do to a pregnancy. They blamed it all on stress.
I fight against the affects of it now. I avoid it instead of dealing with it. I have nightmares. I think of my last few seconds of consciousness and wonder if those screams of fear and begging for understanding on the operating table, were the last stresses that ended her brains ability to avoid all that damage. It hurts me terribly, that my body gave out on both of us.
Today, I am not as confident. I have a stronger faith in God, and I am much quieter than I have ever been my whole life. I worry more. I have more guilt. Now, I have to work through my feelings, and there is still a slow digestion of the events that occurred on Zoe's birthday
How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
I think I am coping as best as I can. I am past the point, where people think you should be all better, and looking ahead.I am still hearing about how I need to move on. after all, I didn't really know her... So I grieve on my blog, in the bath, or at home alone.
I believe there is a light ahead. I stopped taking all the pills very recently (that's a whole other post maybe SOMEDAY) I picked the paintbrush up, and renewed my confidence in my talent, and I am painting for a show.
In a year, God-willing, I will be married to K and being a good wife to him, and I will be trying to bring probably my last child into the world (I have some scar tissue, and the older I get, the more lethal a pregnancy could be)
I hope to have a few art shows, and plan to send slides all over to achieve my first HUGE show, in a known gallery...
Posted by Lindsay at 5:06 AM
Mar 14, 2009
Here's a tiny peek in...
I FINISHED a painting yesterday. That's right, finished. I never let very many people see my work before it's shown, BUT, since everyone seems to be rooting for me this go around, I thought I would cheat a tiny bit, a teensy piece. It's certainly not enough to help you get the whole painting. It may only serve as proof that I DID in fact finish a piece in a day. I normally take at least six days per painting, so you can see that this must have been due to the people praying and sending me well-wishes. So, thank you. Love you
Posted by Lindsay at 7:05 AM
Mar 13, 2009
I cut up bits of paper, to occupy your
big sister, she's imitating mommy,
Behind doors, I think of you,
You looked up at me once,
when we thought you might be alright,
I painted those blues into your eye,
in the midst of the Heavens.
The heavens in my minds eye.
It may or may not matter now.
You looked at me
This is tiring. I'm working. Carly, you almost landed as a figure on one of my beaches...maybe another painting.
Posted by Lindsay at 2:06 PM
Mar 12, 2009
I decided since I'm going along with this painting business, I started budgeting for canvas. I bought two today, and my traditional number in a serious is 13, I have 11 to go. Well, a start is a start. If I gesso tonight, I'll be ready when L.O. goes to school in the morning. Wish me luck for inspiration and pray for a steady hand.
Posted by Lindsay at 1:25 PM
Mar 11, 2009
I'm feeling better. I still feel shaky, but the horrid anxiety is in the back of my mind, not front and center. Thank God!
Tomorrow I will read all of your recent posts, tonight, I owe my home and my family a little bit of much needed T.L.C.
I doubt you know because I haven't felt like one since right after Zoe died, but I'm an artist. They are approving a piece of downtown property as a tax-free arts district. I've had five shows in as many years, and I can't seem to grasp how I once did it. My mom called today (she'd heard about it) and BEGGED me to get my sh*t together and do a 'comeback' show. That very thought terrifies me. I started an installment on flowers personified, and fantasy filled, and the only finished one, I only own due to my hair-thin ability to say no, which is never easy, but losing your beloved painting is harder than losing money I assure you.
But I'm thinking, if I manage to afford canvases, I'll finish that installment, with Zoe and our whole story (the scary stuff) on my mind, paint my heart out, and sell them, all of them, and try to flush the horror part of her stay here, out of my mind and body and onto that canvas. I'll call it Zoe, and nothing else, offer no other details and let the work speak.
I'll figure it out from there... I always have I'll let go of all the work... I'll let go of the scary part... and only the beauty will be left inside
Posted by Lindsay at 3:23 PM
Mar 10, 2009
Somehow! I was very encouraged when I opened my inbox this morning. Thanks so much all of you that left e-mails. I know you went out of your way to make sure I felt loved. I do..just down, but a little better now. Comment away...while I fix my page..
Posted by Lindsay at 9:02 AM
I have felt BAD lately. I half understand why, but it doesn't make it easier. I struggle with anxiety on and off, and it looks like right now, it's head on.
I can't pray when I feel like this. I feel frozen...deer in headlights...I can't breathe.
I've looked around (in blog-land that is) and it seems as if I am not the only one. Larns at Magic Rain, is anxiety filled, and The Bevin family is suffering. Ruth at A Place For my Thoughts to Ren, is having problems with meds. (I unfortunately understand that well myself)Right now I'm almost jealous of Zoe and the children of my babylost mommas. They are perfect, healed and happy. It almost sounds suiciadal and I promise that is not the case. I am just so tired. I am an emotional mess. I fell asleep with L.O. last night after I cried through all our prayers. Bless her she didn't seem to mind.
I woke up at five, SO ANXIOUS. The back of my neck is hot and I can feel it running through me in waves, ugly black waves of panic, for no reason whatsoever.
I can't even believe I'm writing now, but I suppose it's some attempt at feeling better. In fact, I'm retreating to the bath tub. I'm sorry I can't pray today, and whoever I let down because of that. I'm not myself...I'm sorry.
Posted by Lindsay at 7:40 AM
Mar 8, 2009
I see so many of you stopping by. Please throw a little feedback my way, say hi, or send some encouragement. I bare my heart on this website, please just take a minute to leave a comment, and let me know who's reading about my crazy life :)
Posted by Lindsay at 8:19 AM
Mar 7, 2009
K and his'third eye'
I'm kind of nervous...I had no idea that I would be!
I've known for about a month, that a big movie was coming and that it would require K to be out of town. At first it was supposed to be six weeks...now it's more like three months.
There are a few reasons I'm nervous about his semi-lengthy absence. I have three dogs, all large breeds, and their food is SO heavy from the store and to the bowls. K has been the 'Dog Feeder' for about a year now.
I go to him, when I'm nervous, scared, want to know what my hair looks like in the back, when I'm tired and need a little help with L.O, etc. He turns the aquarium bulbs off, if I fall asleep on the couch and forget.
Twelve hours of light, twelve hours of darkness....
I love him and I don't want him to go. I KNOW he needs to make the money, but the movie industry is SO unpredictable and six weeks can (and just did) turn from six-weeks to three plus months..or more. (I'll let you guys in on the name of the movie when I have 'permission', I could get him in alot of trouble if I blabbed now. I may have to tell you his name, just so you can watch for it in the credits, cause I know when I tell you what movie he's building, you'll go right out and watch it like I do, Right??!)
I know I seem like a little brat, whining about what I want but I'm only nervous. I know there will be some good things with this.
I'll have a good excuse for traveling alone (don't worry, L.O. goes to visit her father eight days of every month...of course she would be well taken care of!)to visit on K's few days off. The rest of the time, I will stay with my BEST friend in the whole world that lives in New Orleans! I haven't seen her since New Year's, and I miss her. I'll probably get to go 'on set' a few times and possibly see/meet some celebrities. I've met quite a few and it's always so interesting how normal they are....usually (ask me about Demi one day...lol)
BUT... I will be alone...a lot!! Time to work on my products for my soon-to-be Etsy sight...details later :)
I have no fear of sleeping alone, but during the day, I need a 'pep-talk' at least once. I never realized how much he does to lift me up, every day. He reminds me of who I am and helps me to tap into my own strength. He loves me unconditionally and fully, and always wants the best for me, above his own good. He reminds me of Jesus, and His love for all of us. I know K has to do this, so that one day, when he fully joins L.O. and I as a family, he can provide for us financially.
I know God sent me my K and I will forever praise Him for it. I thank (that was hard to type) Him for this opportunity for K. It has helped me to see why God put him in my life in the first place. I know HE wanted me to be with someone who reminded me of God's love for me. Now He wants me to lean on Him, and I understand and accept that. Thank you for your many blessings Lord!!
Now, the easy part is over and the hard part starts Monday night.
Sorry it's been so long since my last post. L.O. is getting over the flu, my room mate has been 'booted', for lack of a better word, and I've been catching up on every one's new posts. I'm sorry if I didn't have time for a comment, but know that I've read every one of your words, and have prayed for all who have asked for prayer, and a few that haven't :)
Have a blessed weekend!
Posted by Lindsay at 6:33 AM