May 29, 2009


My mom called yesterday and asked me to take an impromptu getaway with her. It was very short notice and at first thought, I was going to decline, bit decided to just go with the flow.
We're going to a Bed and Breakfast in a quaint little town called Jefferson, Texas. It's known for it's historical downtown and it's antique and specialty shops. (Actually the deciding factor, was when she said,"My treat". ha ha)
So, it's the next morning and I'm finding myself running late and feeling very excited. I've packed one thing and I'm not showered.
Oh well, time to get moving. I'm taking my camera and I plan to share my whole trip with you guys when I get back (Sunday). I know you can't wait, so I'll get going! I hope you all have a safe weekend. Love you guys!

P.s. I wanted to say right quick to those who requested photos of their children's names from wherever we were located, I plan to do that still. ;)

May 27, 2009

A quick hello!

I have a moment, so I'm about to head over to you guys new posts. (btw..I read every post of all of the people I 'follow') I didn't want to be TOO far behind when I get my new modem.
Before I started this blog, I read quite a few regularly. I mostly read blogs written by women that had lost babies. I started with Carly's blog ( and found many of you through her. The first thing I would go to in those early days was the birth stories. I would read and cry and relate and comment. It was so healing to read and know that I was not alone, by far, in most of the things I was or still am feeling.
I mentioned a while back that I was going to write Zoe's birth story. Writing it all down will be difficult, but I feel it's worth it. For my own healing and for the possibility of helping someone else, I'm going to write it all down. It will be in increments, and I will have to use my crummy digital camera, but I'm going to open up about Zoe's arrival and too short life. I hope you guys will read along and I hope I help a soul or two along the way.
I hope you all had a great Memorial Day and I'll 'see' you guys in a few days!

May 23, 2009

You'll miss me!

Now that I have your attention..ahem.. I do have your attention...right? I am being forced (thank you broken modem!) to hold off on reading and writing any new blogs till Thursday,(how's that for service!) till they send me a new one.
I know you will be so disappointed not to get to read my rants and feel the love I regularly send to all of you. You can rest assured that when I say I'll pray for you, or send you thoughts of love or peace, I do so. You guys are my support (Mom, you too. I know you're watching..ahem, reading). I appreciate your comments. Send me bunch to keep me busy when I'm back online..if you want of course.
Love you guys...please be careful.

May 19, 2009

Thank you...

Jennifer, I have been thinking of you too. I still plan to e-mail you my number.
Mel, you'll see, one day I'll show up!
Natalie, you are in my thoughts as well. I was actually talking to my mom about you on Sunday.
Larns you are awesome. If I ever make it 'across the pond', you will be on my short list of people to visit ;)
Ruth, sweet lady, thank you for uplifting me. I always read your words and admire your honesty as well.
Angie, my kindred spirit, I hope you are well and feeling peaceful.
I love your haiku's and your art.
I think of you every time I see a garden gnome!
Linda, thank you for reading my blog lately and all of your kind comments. I wanted to let you know that K and Zoe's daddy are not the same person. K has no children.
I haven't had much of a relationship with Zoe's dad since I was six months pregnant.
The worst problem K and I have had was what I addressed in the last post. We were both stressed (and he was/is sick) and taking it out on each other.
We're much better and now he's on antibiotics and seems to be watching his health now.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. I love all of you guys!

May 18, 2009


So, it appears stress has been taking it's toll on my little family. Yes, K came back, and it seems we have both been inattentive and quick tempered. K has not been sleeping due to a mix of a sinus infection and sleep apnea. I went with him to the doctor today. He had a sinus infection, an ear infection and high blood pressure. They gave him meds an ordered a sleep study (Thank you God).
We are at peace again. L.o. came back from her dad's sleepy. I feel a bit better and now (thanks K!) I have another baby bird to take care of.
I'm sorry my last post was crazy. I have had some really bad days. Mother's day seemed to set it off. I've been worrying too much, and that has always had a bad effect on my mood and temperament. I have R.A and fibromyalgia and stress increases the likelihood of a break out. Worry hurts. God didn't design us to worry.
Well that's all I have. I thought I'd better update for those of you who were worried. More tomorrow...

May 16, 2009

Thunder in La La Land

Breathe. Calm down. Horrible decision maker, why all this? I am ridiculous, I am too trusting. I am an alien. I feel...too much, or I'm numb, no middle ground. "when it rains, it pours", but I need it only to drizzle a little for a while. I need rest. The soul kind. I thought those who mourn are 'blessed', I thought they would be comforted. I am tired and rest is not coming, just a party and skates and children everywhere, and can I stand it for two hours? I'll take L.o. to her father's house after all it's his weekend. Relief? I am cursed.
I am torn. I am 'left' as in left over, not left side, though you may look at me and see different, I am a mixture. I am a cactus. I am a monument, to ridiculousity.
I am sad. I am alone (see left). I've been dis-respected and run-over.
It is grey, and I am grey, an even darker grey than my usual, but I covered myself in color, risked prosecution and felt the sting, it takes some getting used to.
Am I being refined or forsaken? I can't feel the difference. This is not me. But it kinda is.
Erratic and jumbled and most importantly misunderstood. What am I to learn?
K left (yes, left). this is crazy.
Save the pity, this is not a cry for help, just a cry in itself.

May 14, 2009

They way they became the 'Brady Bunch'...

Zoe's daddy is having another baby. Wow, never saw that one coming and that was crazy hard to type. Now between himself and his new girlfriend they'll have six living children. I guess I suppose I thought I would be the one to welcome her baby brother or sister in to the world?
What a ridiculous thought...
Who knows if I can ever even carry another one. So I guess if you stress out the woman carrying your child, and she loses the baby, you just go get your new girlfriend pregnant and all is well with the world...right?!
I'm being ugly. I'm going to stop now. Every one I know is with the man they were with when they lost their children. I wasn't even with Zoe's dad when she was born. I feel so incredibly lonely right now.

You can find me listening to Jeff the closet.

*disclaimer: It was brought to my attention that this blog makes it seem as if I still wanted to be with Zoe's daddy. Not the case. We've not been together in two years. I love K. What I meant was that I thought I would get married and have another baby and THAT'S how Zoe and L.O. would get another baby brother/sister.
Zoe's dad has two kids that he doesn't pay child-support for while he helps raise his girlfriends three kids and now is adding another one. I was never naive enough to expect him to pay for Zoe, and I was prepared to do that myself. Btw..he never did. Not even to help bury her. I hope I cleared that up

May 11, 2009


One of my cats got in, grabbed the baby sparrow I've been nursing since he had bands on his wings, took him under the bed and killed him. Then he drug it around and made sure L.O. got a good glimpse of the bloody mess. Now we have a VERY angry mom (mostly at myself) sad too, and a weepy seven year old with a nail hole in her foot, and a dead baby bird.
I feel sick.

Random thoughts and run-on sentences...

I feel heavy today. The clouds gathering outside, and the grey cast agrees with my attitude. I am not ungrateful, I'm sad. It goes away, gets a bit dull, then comes back with full on sting and tears. They embarrass me now. I am so used to believing that I must be brave. That I must not show the imprint forever carved into my heart and thoughts and dreams. Dreams of chaos and crowds, misunderstanding and confusion.
I think I've put the paintbrush down because I'm depressed. K complains that I don't keep the house up as well, but I cook so much more. I just hate dishes because of the boarding school...
L.o. seems to know when I'm weak, and God help me I should not complain about her but she seems to know when I'm down and she's out for what she wants. She stepped on a nail through her flip-flop Saturday. This is why K stayed at home with L.O. and I went to church yesterday solo. It hurt to see my cousin and her husband and her baby, and I'm standing there with my parents and my nephew, feeling very incomplete. I cried in the foyer of the church in front of my family. That side is not a cuddle and comfort type. I feel the need to appear super strong and perfectly fine which makes no sense.
My coffee/blogging break is over and I must pay some attention to my baby sparrow (that post is coming soon) and get to work on this house to avoid certain guilt otherwise.
Good days, please find me once more. Being sad is so tiring and I have life left to live. God, I'm heavy hearted and weary, where is my rest? Please forgive me when I fail and help me feel you when I'm feeling empty. Give peace to those who need it today and bless my family and all my blog friends..In Jesus name...

May 10, 2009

I didn't lie...

In a comment to Mel where I said I wasn't sad. I wasn't. Then I broke down in front of my family at my grandmother's church, and during church, and ummm, driving home after. My dad turned to my mom and said,"She's sad about Zoe." It felt good to hear her name in public but I was praying for the tears to stop as I was embarrasssed.
I have thirty minutes until noon. Thirty minutes to try and re-do this mood I'm in. I didn't want to have a sad day.
We don't always get what we want, but there's no harm in trying...
Happy Mother's day to all of you. I love you guys.

May 3, 2009

Thank You!

For the comments, and all the support and love I receive from you guys. I had a sad day, and nobody knew but myself. I had a family reunion where Zoe was buried but the weather here (and there) was terrible. I woke up to closed streets and the place we were supposed to go had no lights. I didn't go, but I decided not to go last night, and I've felt guilty about it. I thought the bad weather would help me feel less guilty, but then I just felt guilty for not going to see her since umm.. some time last year. Yeah, I'm a crummy mommy to my dead daughter. An hour seems so far, and that is a ridiculous excuse.
I'll go. This month.
It's time for bed. I miss both my girls. I'll see one tomorrow, I'll see the other in an unspecified amount of time, a painful amount of time. It still makes me so sad. I miss her. I want her back. There are no words to truly describe how this hurts, how bad we need our babies back, yet we still try.
We still try.
Sweet dreams all...

May 2, 2009

I need a little help....

My comments have messed up a few times in recent months so I'm going to use this post to try and straighten them out. If you're already here (on my page that is) do me a favor and try to leave a comment. If you can, great, I'll see it appear. If you can't, please e-mail me at

May 1, 2009

Choosing to be happy...

I'm choosing this again today. I have L.O.'s field day in about an hour and a half, so this will be pretty quick.
I am getting things done today. I would like to have a date with K tonight. I have cheesecake cups to make for my mom and a mortgage to drop off the money for. There is a pregnant girlfriend to go visit, and groceries to buy.
I'm hoping K's friend will go away for at least the weekend, as with L.o. at her dad's I'm out numbered and I covet a little of his free time later today.
So I'm off for a bath and and attitude check and I'll tell you all about it later.
I hope ya'll have a great morning, day, night whatever it is wherever you are.
I'm off to field day!