I need my blog/coming home....

I don't know if my readers will come back, but I'm coming back. I'm done with fb for the time being and I find I still need a space to connect with people. To vent or talk about the random goodness I've witnessed lately. To speak of the thoughts that run crazy through my mind like disobedient children and explain how only my attitude has changed but it has made a big difference.
 I've been through five months of severe (situational) depression regarding Jeff and all that entails. Ups, deep dark downs, betrayals, lies and an inability by either of us to let go. He tried, very hard in my opinion. We had agreed to not see anyone else. He spent most nights at my house, but when he went home he had set up a dating account and was having emotional and sexual innuendo laced relationships with a few women via the Internet. He even met up with one of them. I found out about two weeks after he ended it all on his own. It had been going on since November.  I'll never know the entire truth. I tried to let him go. I didn't let him see my face for a week. I tried as hard as I could to use horrible words to push him out of my life and heart. It didn't work, we are having a very hard time letting go. He is trying to earn my trust again. I am trying to keep my heart away from our interactions (and failing) and to keep my temper in check. I radiate anger when I am angry. The only language I can speak is sarcasm and I will beat you over the head with words and insinuations until you can't take it. No matter what happens to me in life, that part of my reaction to strong emotions has to go. It hurts me just as bad as the offender and gets me nowhere. I hate to say I'm being more passive when I'm angry or the feelings of betrayal surface, it's just that I am not letting rage engulf me or steal any joy I may have been feeling. I have learned on some small yet palpable level that I can adjust my own attitude. Before I started working on it, I became a skinny, shriveled, detached, depressed mess. My mom had a talk with me on two occasions, begging me to admit if I was on drugs. It was so sad to me to think that shattering of a relationship could have the same effect on my body as months of heavy drug use.
 I may be fitting in my nine-year-old's clothes and having to keep moving to keep sane BUT I have adjusted my attitude and started to let Jeff's actions belong to him and I'm trying to let them go. I'm taking Jeff and I on a day by day basis and not pursuing him, rather letting him pursue me if we really just can't/won't let each other go. I've cleaned and organized the house and filled it with food. I get up and make myself eat and put on some make-up everyday. I went to an estate sale that my friend was working and got some jeans my size so I don't have to look frumpy or wear my daughter's clothes until I do gain enough weight to fit into my old stuff. I cook almost every night again. I let Ivy have slumber parties with me and we watch movies and eat in my bed. All of this made possible by the refusal to get sicker and adjusting my outlook and letting emotions either be what they are and accepting them or letting certain ones go.
  We'll see where things go from here. It will be chronicled here. I miss my outlet and I miss my friends. La La Land is back. Hope to hear from you guys....

If,

 If, I put my kids to bed each night happy and healthy and maybe put brush to canvas as much as I can, is it enough to make my life worth something? Can a life consist of raising babies and art? I'm tempted to say it is, but as ungrateful as I am going to sound, something feels missing. Something is just off and I'm helpless to find the balance.

4 years...

 My Zoe-Beth,
  I can't believe it's been four years since I've held you in my arms, or seen your sweet face. So much has happened, and so many things have changed. What never changes is how much I miss you or love you. I will always feel a little guilty that I'm here, typing this, and you're gone, you died.
 Life was getting pretty rough there for a while, but it's getting slowly easier. My heart was broken again and I had almost forgot how bad it hurt. Two broken hearts in my life, how do people live with five, six, twelve?
I'm learning to live for right now and to let go of control. Somehow, deciding to live with questions and doubts and just focus on your brother and sister is helping.
 I'm sorry I haven't been to your grave. I hate it there and now that Moah is there too, it's so depressing. I know you are not there.
 I'm sorry you'll never play with your brother or sister. I'm sorry you never got to feel the sun on your face or see a rainbow. I'm sorry you'll never open a birthday present or wait for Santa to come. I'm sorry for a lifetime, of things you'll never do.
                                          Mommy

Zoe-Beth

Happy Birthday baby. I miss you so much. I wish you were here, running around with your family. Things are sad and crazy for your momma right now. My heart hurts. I love you, forever, xoxoxoxoxoxo
                                          Mommy

Darkness

I don't sleep well, I don't eat much. I see Jeff, I don't see him much. I take care of the kids well. I walk along lost when not doing that. My mom thought I was on drugs because I'm so skinny. I cried and told her it wasn't drugs, it is loss, it is pain, it is Jeff, slowly breaking my heart with his doubts. She cried, to see me hurt so badly. Losing Zoe broke my heart and I pieced it together with thin fabric and found strings and declared it suitable for going on. Jeff found a ragged edge and pulled hard, too hard. He didn't mean to rip it, after all I insisted it was made of tougher stuff. I guess he had to pull it open, I just wasn't ready for what I would feel once my heart was re-opened. I've thought about hospitals, I've thought about escape. I think more of my kids and how they need a mom, here, regardless.
 I've never had a live person break my heart, and we're still together in a small sad way. In limbo. Now I feel that limbo is closer to hell, the hope to rise out of it will consume your mind.
Zoe's birthday is tomorrow and my heart has taken however many giant steps backwards. Light bulbs are busting all over the house immersing me in darkness.