I need my blog/coming home....

I don't know if my readers will come back, but I'm coming back. I'm done with fb for the time being and I find I still need a space to connect with people. To vent or talk about the random goodness I've witnessed lately. To speak of the thoughts that run crazy through my mind like disobedient children and explain how only my attitude has changed but it has made a big difference.
 I've been through five months of severe (situational) depression regarding Jeff and all that entails. Ups, deep dark downs, betrayals, lies and an inability by either of us to let go. He tried, very hard in my opinion. We had agreed to not see anyone else. He spent most nights at my house, but when he went home he had set up a dating account and was having emotional and sexual innuendo laced relationships with a few women via the Internet. He even met up with one of them. I found out about two weeks after he ended it all on his own. It had been going on since November.  I'll never know the entire truth. I tried to let him go. I didn't let him see my face for a week. I tried as hard as I could to use horrible words to push him out of my life and heart. It didn't work, we are having a very hard time letting go. He is trying to earn my trust again. I am trying to keep my heart away from our interactions (and failing) and to keep my temper in check. I radiate anger when I am angry. The only language I can speak is sarcasm and I will beat you over the head with words and insinuations until you can't take it. No matter what happens to me in life, that part of my reaction to strong emotions has to go. It hurts me just as bad as the offender and gets me nowhere. I hate to say I'm being more passive when I'm angry or the feelings of betrayal surface, it's just that I am not letting rage engulf me or steal any joy I may have been feeling. I have learned on some small yet palpable level that I can adjust my own attitude. Before I started working on it, I became a skinny, shriveled, detached, depressed mess. My mom had a talk with me on two occasions, begging me to admit if I was on drugs. It was so sad to me to think that shattering of a relationship could have the same effect on my body as months of heavy drug use.
 I may be fitting in my nine-year-old's clothes and having to keep moving to keep sane BUT I have adjusted my attitude and started to let Jeff's actions belong to him and I'm trying to let them go. I'm taking Jeff and I on a day by day basis and not pursuing him, rather letting him pursue me if we really just can't/won't let each other go. I've cleaned and organized the house and filled it with food. I get up and make myself eat and put on some make-up everyday. I went to an estate sale that my friend was working and got some jeans my size so I don't have to look frumpy or wear my daughter's clothes until I do gain enough weight to fit into my old stuff. I cook almost every night again. I let Ivy have slumber parties with me and we watch movies and eat in my bed. All of this made possible by the refusal to get sicker and adjusting my outlook and letting emotions either be what they are and accepting them or letting certain ones go.
  We'll see where things go from here. It will be chronicled here. I miss my outlet and I miss my friends. La La Land is back. Hope to hear from you guys....