Feb 11, 2012

I need my blog/coming home....

I don't know if my readers will come back, but I'm coming back. I'm done with fb for the time being and I find I still need a space to connect with people. To vent or talk about the random goodness I've witnessed lately. To speak of the thoughts that run crazy through my mind like disobedient children and explain how only my attitude has changed but it has made a big difference.
 I've been through five months of severe (situational) depression regarding Jeff and all that entails. Ups, deep dark downs, betrayals, lies and an inability by either of us to let go. He tried, very hard in my opinion. We had agreed to not see anyone else. He spent most nights at my house, but when he went home he had set up a dating account and was having emotional and sexual innuendo laced relationships with a few women via the Internet. He even met up with one of them. I found out about two weeks after he ended it all on his own. It had been going on since November.  I'll never know the entire truth. I tried to let him go. I didn't let him see my face for a week. I tried as hard as I could to use horrible words to push him out of my life and heart. It didn't work, we are having a very hard time letting go. He is trying to earn my trust again. I am trying to keep my heart away from our interactions (and failing) and to keep my temper in check. I radiate anger when I am angry. The only language I can speak is sarcasm and I will beat you over the head with words and insinuations until you can't take it. No matter what happens to me in life, that part of my reaction to strong emotions has to go. It hurts me just as bad as the offender and gets me nowhere. I hate to say I'm being more passive when I'm angry or the feelings of betrayal surface, it's just that I am not letting rage engulf me or steal any joy I may have been feeling. I have learned on some small yet palpable level that I can adjust my own attitude. Before I started working on it, I became a skinny, shriveled, detached, depressed mess. My mom had a talk with me on two occasions, begging me to admit if I was on drugs. It was so sad to me to think that shattering of a relationship could have the same effect on my body as months of heavy drug use.
 I may be fitting in my nine-year-old's clothes and having to keep moving to keep sane BUT I have adjusted my attitude and started to let Jeff's actions belong to him and I'm trying to let them go. I'm taking Jeff and I on a day by day basis and not pursuing him, rather letting him pursue me if we really just can't/won't let each other go. I've cleaned and organized the house and filled it with food. I get up and make myself eat and put on some make-up everyday. I went to an estate sale that my friend was working and got some jeans my size so I don't have to look frumpy or wear my daughter's clothes until I do gain enough weight to fit into my old stuff. I cook almost every night again. I let Ivy have slumber parties with me and we watch movies and eat in my bed. All of this made possible by the refusal to get sicker and adjusting my outlook and letting emotions either be what they are and accepting them or letting certain ones go.
  We'll see where things go from here. It will be chronicled here. I miss my outlet and I miss my friends. La La Land is back. Hope to hear from you guys....

13 comments:

Www.thechroniclesoftoby.blogspo.com said...

Always here love even if I don't get to write big, long winded wise comments. I'm sorry that life has been tough... I'm glad that you are here sharing, and recognizing the areas you need to concentrate on to move to a better place (some day).
Wish I could come and hang out over coffee. I get "radiating anger" and sarcasm. I get pushing. I get all of that. I'm the queen. It's not productive, and funnily enough the person it usually hurts most is... Me.
How is your little man? I'm glad you and ivy are hanging out.
Hugs x

Bir said...

Hmmm... That comment is from ME in case you're wondering' x

Penny said...

Welcome back! Glad you're trying to be healthy about all that is going on. Hope everything works out for you. :)

still life angie said...

I love you. I'm still here. So sorry to read about what's been going on. Glad you are back. You are always home here. Xo

Lindsay said...

You guy's words are a salve to my heart. Bir, yes I knew it was you and Aidyn is doing really well. He had an incident at his dad's where he had the oven door open (400 degree pre-heated) and Aidyn walked up to it and layed his hands and one of his arms on it. He had bad second and third degree burns, had to go to a burn center and be on narcotics for two weeks. He'll never have regular handprints. It really breaks my heart but there's nothing I can do. I can be greatful it wasn't much worse. Other than that he is so affectionate and so sweet. Ivy is the biggest help to me and so happy to be a big sister. I've never caught any jealousy from her since he's been here. Since I don't get your statuses on fb, I'll have to check your blog more often and see how you guys are doing. Love you, thank you for messaging me.
Angie! So good to hear from you. Like with Bir, I'll have to get causght up with you and all your adventures with Thomas and Bea. I love your guts girl and I miss our interaction.
Penny, thank you so much for always being here (and Catherine too) I can always count on you to check on me and let me know you're thinking of me. I think of you as well. Much love.

What We Talk About said...

Just stumbled onto your blog, this evening. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts!

Boris T. Ćorović said...

You should never have had children.

Catherine W said...

Ah Boris go sling ya hook my love. Or go suck your own nose. I'm not sure which is more appropriate. I'm torn. But both are in a very mild British accent. I'm not entirely sure what prompted it but that comment was uncalled for. Go and wait under your bridge for a nice tasty goat m'dear.

Lindsay - I'm sorry that you've had have such a difficult time of things. It sounds as though you are doing so much better, do remember to eat and cook and hang on in there. Hold on to what is important to you. I hope that things continue to improve. Thinking of you and Ivy, Zoe-Beth and Aidyn. Sending love and sorry that I have not been around much recently xoxo

caitsmom said...

Lindsay, I'm here too. Glad you're back and writing and sharing. (((hugs))) I get needing this space.

Catherine W said...

Hi Lindsay, just checking in. Love to you xo

Sebastian Michaelis said...

i don't know how i got here ... shove those issues in a ditch where you can see them. It's about realizing that nothing actually really matters so once you get that in your head you can start realizing the choice is really yours, which might be the most difficult part ever

Dipjyoti Biswas said...

This is a good post and good videos&photos.
Electronic

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