Dec 9, 2008

Good morning!

I found a moment while the little one gets ready for school.

I thought I would share my yesterday with you.
I felt SO bad yesterday, and started to wheeze, so I called my mother and asked her to watch my daughter, and I went on to the emergency room alone.

I got there. I sat there, and sat there and sat there.

Then a beautiful English woman and her new grandbaby sat next to me. I listened as she sang to her in that beautiful accent, and it hit me. I sang to my baby, here in this hospital. Four floors above my head. Sadness sat in. Tears came and made my head even more congested, I looked like a crazy person, and no one had a clue.

Finally they called me into triage and took my vitals (I was running a low fever) and put on an id bracelet. Then I sat there...and sat there. I was trying as best as I could manage to stop the tears, but they had already surfaced, and it wasn't looking like they were caring if I wanted them to stop. The tears kept coming, and they never called me, so I got right up walked out of the door. Once in my car, I pulled around to where I could see the window of the room that was Zoe's...the one she didn't leave in this life. 6th floor...fourth window on the right...and I let go. The tears came, followed by the why-God's, and I finally drove home.

I put Ivy in the bed, and sat in my bed alone (well, with my dog...not Lucy, the one above...Otis. Yes he's a pitbull terrier, but that's another blog!). I missed my Zoe SO much. I guess the pain can get easier for a while, but it can be triggered, when you least expect/need it.

That's the fun part of grief. It pops up whenever it wants to, and you may have thought it was gone, or at least more tolerable.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I ask for you to be with those in the midst of grief. Please allow them to see the light of your love, and the strenghth you posess to carry them through this. I pray for parents everywhere whether or not they have lost a child. Give us guidance Lord, and please help us to enjoy nurturing our children, to whatever extent you have allowed. In Jesus' name...