My weekend in pictures...

Hi you

I'm here. Alive and breathing. The tiny one is still safe and sound inside (as far as I know) and I'm having my first ultrasound in about two hours. Kenny won't be joining me unfortunately because he's in Baton Rouge until Christmas.
I was having blog withdrawals and it was strangely difficult to not blog on the days Zoe died and was buried two years ago on the 17th and 19th of October. My internet provider left me hanging with no home phone and no internet for eleven days. I must have called them twenty times. They kept reminding me I was a 'valued customer'.

I've missed interacting with you all so much. Don't be surprised to find very late comments from me as I catch up on all your blogs. Actually, could you do me a favor and leave a comment letting me know what you've all been up to the last two weeks? Even if you sat in your house all day in your pajamas, tell me about it. I need this, you have no idea. Thanks Margaret and Birni for checking ion on me. Jennifer, I saw you had your baby. I'm so happy for you. Angie, I'm loving your random acts of kindness adventures and I'm so happy you 'came out' about your new little one.
Love to you


(Eta: My ultrasound was great. The baby measured one day ahead of schedule. My placenta is in a weird position but I was assured that it wouldn't hurt a thing as this baby is coming out in a scheduled cesarean if all goes well. I could worry about it, but I just won't. I watched my tiny baby dance around in my tummy. I saw hands, feet, elbows. It was beautiful, and ended much too quickly.
I am 12wks1d today. Tommorrow I am driving to Baton Rouge. Saturday I'll be at a parade with one of my long time best friends in New Orleans. I am looking foward to the lack of responsibility that will accompany this little trip and though I will see Kenny, it will be briefly as he will be on set this weekend as well.
I plan to take lots of pictures with my new camera, and put a pictures only post up when I get back. Have I ever told you how much I adore being 'down south'? It feels more like home to me though I was mostly raised right here. It's busier and there are many more interesting people from all different cultures.
Anyway. It's time to find an indie film I haven't watched on netflix and get in the bed to watch it. I have a busy day tomorrow. Ya'll have a great weekend.)

Birthday

My birthday was great. I say was, as it is today but it was celebrated this weekend (all weekend really) due to every one's schedule etc.
Saturday, Kenny took Ivy and I to breakfast and I ordered all sorts of things and barely ate half. Then he took me to pick out a brand new camera. I am so thankful for that. I took these pictures in my yard right away.









Saturday night, my mom and dad took us to my favorite sushi and hibachi restaurant. (I skipped the raw fish of course) It was SO good.




Mom and I

The next day I rearranged my our bedroom and put to use the comforter my mother bought me for my birthday. Then we went out to eat with my best friend and her husband and their new little one. I had a really great time.







Kenny's family runs this place so I was on alert for the sombrero entourage. I repeated told him 'no sombrero' but he did it anyway..of course! It wasn't that bad though as it was a Sunday night and it was raining and we were one of three tables, but they pulled out the kitchen staff and sang their birthday song...






I really had more fun this weekend than I have in a long time. I got a much needed attitude adjustment and I feel great today.
There's always a tension for me subconsciously that lasts until my birthday and softly blows away once it's here. I'm glad it's finally here. I will celebrate quietly, alone and with peace in my soul for the first time in a long time.


Oh, and on Friday, before all of this I went back to blonde..and it feels right for now.

What is hope to a babyloss mom?

This time two years ago, I was still in the hospital. I believe that the blood transfusions were finished, and I was receiving visitors and walking up to see Zoe as often as they would let me. It was hard to stay focused on eating and getting healthy, when what I wanted was my girl healthy, and no amount of cold hospital gruel was going to help her. The details are fuzzy now, but I remember having a shred of hope. I even added Hope into her name at the last minute. My mother and I decided that we would have hope until there was no hope, and that's what we did.
I knew that the lack of oxygen had left her blind. I could handle that. They said she was deaf, but they never tested, and I saw her react to my voice until almost the last day. I never thought she was deaf. I was willing to accept whatever life with her would entail for me and Ivy even with her diagnosis of 'severely disabled', but I wasn't willing to accept that it was never going to be a possibility. Until it wasn't.
That hope that I held for my sick little girl, seems to be the last time I've had real hope. I realized that today. I can't have the same hope for this baby, because I've had as much hope as you can have and it didn't matter.
It's not that I don't hope that this baby will make it here fine, I do. It's just that I can't really imagine this child here, in my home, in my arms. I have a 'wait and see' attitude. It's been six years since I've really taken care of an infant. The care that I provided for Zoe consisted of changing her diaper, or her socks, whenever they (rarely) told me it was fine to do those things. Zoe never even wore clothes except for the outfit that her daddy and I put on her before they took out her breathing and feeding tubes before she died in my arms.

Hope is now a bit of an abstract thought for me.

I don't know how I can help it, but I think that the 'wait and see attitude' is okay. I may never feel the certainty I once did that everything will be fine, and I think that's ok.
I'm still very much trying to go easy on myself. To breathe and relax and live in the uncertainty. I try to count my blessings. I try. I may fail, many times daily, but I'm trying, and I've got to give myself a pat on the back for that..at least.

How has hope changed for you since you lost your baby(ies)? Is it easy for you to be hopeful, or do you struggle? Tell me. I'd love to hear your thoughts...






***
I googled caffeine content in chocolate and found that in milk chocolate, there is as much caffeine in an 8oz bar as there is in a cup of decaf. My doctor said that I could have decaf, so I think it must be fine.
I recieved a very sweet package in the mail yesterday. I adore the lady that sent it to me. It made my day. I really need to go and thank her!

Procrastination

I just awoke from the deepest sleep I've had in a long time. You were there, and you were there too. Actually me an Angie were in an Australian mall with Carly and Scarlett and River, which was more like a theme park with water slides and the like, mixed in with small stores and cafes. ANyWAy, it was one of those long interrupted dreams with a thousand strange details that leaves you, upon waking, wondering what world you belong to. It takes a minute to get re-acclimated.
I woke up freezing. Oh yeah, it's that time of year. Go to make coffee. Damn, can't have coffee. How am I going to break out of this haze now? All I can think about is going to Starbucks for a caramel latte, oh wait, make that a salted caramel hot chocolate..uugh. I'm also trying to talk myself out of going back to the same Chinese restaurant I got take-out from yesterday, and ordering the exact same thing today. It feels excessive. I still want it though. Come to think of it, my sock drawer stash is empty. I can't live without chocolate. I think I'll google caffeine content in all of my favorite chocolate today and find what I can have.
Look at me giving myself reasons to get out of the house. I think I'll go out then, but I'll make it quick. I feel strange and sarcastic. I need to wash clothes and I want to work on a pair of bluebirds I'm making. I'll try, but today just screams 'lazy day'.

Nine weeks and one day..

I went to the doctor, and I made it through. I have been dreading it, and now it's over. I'm measuring nine weeks and one day, which is right on track. The baby's heartbeat was in the 160's, 170's just like my last two GIRLS. Kenny got to hear the heartbeat which was nice. I thought that hearing it would make me feel better.
I'm on caffiene restriction and the jokes about that aren't quite funny to me yet. I've never gone without coffee or chocolate so we'll see.
Today I was going to list what I am grateful for and all that but I'm wore out. I have the house to myself until 6:30pm. so I'm going to get some chinese soup and eggrolls and have some movie watching, housework ignoring, all animals outside Lindsay time. I am grateful for that!
I am grateful that the baby is healthy. I've never had any problems until much later than this. Perhaps that is why I don't feel the relief that I thought I would.
I'm not going to push myself to feel any other way than how I do feel.
Thank you for remembering my Zoe's birthday with me. You guys are incredibly sweet.

xo