Oct 4, 2009

What is hope to a babyloss mom?

This time two years ago, I was still in the hospital. I believe that the blood transfusions were finished, and I was receiving visitors and walking up to see Zoe as often as they would let me. It was hard to stay focused on eating and getting healthy, when what I wanted was my girl healthy, and no amount of cold hospital gruel was going to help her. The details are fuzzy now, but I remember having a shred of hope. I even added Hope into her name at the last minute. My mother and I decided that we would have hope until there was no hope, and that's what we did.
I knew that the lack of oxygen had left her blind. I could handle that. They said she was deaf, but they never tested, and I saw her react to my voice until almost the last day. I never thought she was deaf. I was willing to accept whatever life with her would entail for me and Ivy even with her diagnosis of 'severely disabled', but I wasn't willing to accept that it was never going to be a possibility. Until it wasn't.
That hope that I held for my sick little girl, seems to be the last time I've had real hope. I realized that today. I can't have the same hope for this baby, because I've had as much hope as you can have and it didn't matter.
It's not that I don't hope that this baby will make it here fine, I do. It's just that I can't really imagine this child here, in my home, in my arms. I have a 'wait and see' attitude. It's been six years since I've really taken care of an infant. The care that I provided for Zoe consisted of changing her diaper, or her socks, whenever they (rarely) told me it was fine to do those things. Zoe never even wore clothes except for the outfit that her daddy and I put on her before they took out her breathing and feeding tubes before she died in my arms.

Hope is now a bit of an abstract thought for me.

I don't know how I can help it, but I think that the 'wait and see attitude' is okay. I may never feel the certainty I once did that everything will be fine, and I think that's ok.
I'm still very much trying to go easy on myself. To breathe and relax and live in the uncertainty. I try to count my blessings. I try. I may fail, many times daily, but I'm trying, and I've got to give myself a pat on the back for that..at least.

How has hope changed for you since you lost your baby(ies)? Is it easy for you to be hopeful, or do you struggle? Tell me. I'd love to hear your thoughts...

I googled caffeine content in chocolate and found that in milk chocolate, there is as much caffeine in an 8oz bar as there is in a cup of decaf. My doctor said that I could have decaf, so I think it must be fine.
I recieved a very sweet package in the mail yesterday. I adore the lady that sent it to me. It made my day. I really need to go and thank her!


Jennifer Ross said...

I had a blog friend write me one time when I was feeling the same way as you, and she said that until I'm holding my baby in my arms, I'm going to grieve for this baby. After loosing a child, you just feel like having a live healthy baby placed in your arms is never going to happen again. I can't wait to "feel" this new found hope after I am holding Ezekiel. It's going to be the best feeling in the world! Hang onto that same hope Lindsay. God is the creator of miracles.

angie said...

I feel so similarly to you about Hope, and yet there must be hope there, because we try and want to get pregnant again. There must be part of us who feels hopeful that things will be different this time. And about the chocolate--YAY!

With much love.

Petra said...

Phew... your blog post was rumbling around in my head the whole day... I guess I lost a great deal of my firm optimism since Sky died. I can have hope for other pregnant ladies (and hope to take their worries on my shoulders) but as far as my own (nonexistent) pregnancy... there wouldn't be much hope left. Maybe it's because my pregnancy was terrible with allday-sickness, I'd more feel like I had to endure a 10-month suspense movie with a heartbreaking end.

I lost one baby in the 1st trimester and one close to due-date. The chances to win the lottery are higher. So just the thought of getting pregnant a 3rd time (before winning the jackpot of a gazillion euro) makes me sick with all the possibilities of other cruel twists of life.

I guess the wait-and-see-attitude is a good way for girls like us. I try to stay away of worst-case-scenarios (which I got very good in) and try to gain back a tiny bit of my former optimism. As far as hope goes: very abstract indeed. Hope for a day without crying. Hope for a sunny day filled with laughter.

Try some dark chocolate, my dr suggested that to me, cause it carries a lot of happy-making-ingredients. Enjoy!

(sorry for being confusing with made-up english words...)

Yaya said...


Thank you for visiting my site www.tearsformybaby.com

My actual blog is www.yayastuff.blogspot.com

I'm so sorry for your loss. :( :(

Mary said...

Hope. I don't think I know what that is anymore. Things are just so complicated. I am praying and hoping for my husband to want to have a baby. And then I hope and pray that I will have a baby. And then, that bubble pops because I know wht can happen.

Penny said...

Just checking on you. Hope you're alright.