Two weeks

He's been here for two beautiful weeks. I love this boy so much it hurts....

I'd like you to 'meet' my son...

Home..

 We are at home. Little Aidyn was born on April 15th at 8:05a.m. at 6lbs 10oz. He went straight to the N.I.C.U. due to some difficulty breathing. He was fine after that first day but because they didn't let him eat for a while, they needed to make sure he had no problems feeding. He did amazingly well and they let us go late yesterday which was a bit earlier than they expected. He's a strong little boy who was determined to get out of there with his mommy. We were in the hospital for six days. The surgery did not go well for me. I will post pictures and write about his birth a bit later.
 Just wanted to let all who were interested know that he is beautiful and healthy and HOME!

Depressed mommy..

I'm in the hospital and Aidyn is still in the N.I.C.U. He had some issues adjusting when he first got here. I'm having a hard time coping without him. I didn't hold him until late at night the day he was born. I can't sleep and I wake up sad, and the nurses don't understand my compulsion to be near him as much as I can. He is so precious. He is taking a small amount of formula in a bottle that I have been giving him. If he keeps this up and tolerates it well, he may be home late next week.

Tommorrow..

I'm having a baby. I've got to be at the hospital at 5:30a.m. surgery scheduled for 7:30 a.m.
 Keep your fingers crossed, I'm almost there..
I'll only be communicating via twitter. I just sent a test pic to make sure I can send a picture of the baby. Be sure you check there tomorrow if you'd like. I'll be in the hospital at least four days and this will be my only link to you guys.
 Wish me luck, I'm nervous about the surgery..

Rambling..

I'm on the verge, a brink. I am frustrated with not knowing exactly when this baby is coming. I can feel other's patience wearing thin, while mine is gone. I need to see for myself that this child is ok, not wait and wait some more. I had my feelings hurt terribly on Easter Sunday, and I'm still not sure I deserved it. I was nervous about the amnio that didn't happen and the fact that I thought I would be having a baby on the 12th. I left in tears and haven't heard from 'them' since. I overhear the plans being made for them to visit the baby in the hospital. This feels backwards, like I'm only a baby house to certain people. They don't know what I've been through. They don't know what I'm going through. I've hidden away for most of this pregnancy. I've been so anxious. I ventured out on Easter only to retreat again. My favorite family members haven't even seen this big belly. I skipped reunions, I skipped Christmas. I just couldn't do it. People judge me for this. People want me to be a normal smiling pregnant woman. People are angry at my need for some space on the day the baby comes. I can't make them see why. I receive snide comments. I need friendly faces and love, but that's not how the world is. People think I'm being selfish. They want to plan everything out while I just want to be. They scream about what's 'fair'. What is fair? None of this feels fair to me. I feel like a vessel, like I don't matter much, just what I hold inside. It's not supposed to be like this. I am overwhelmed and silent now. Please let them tell me tomorrow that the baby will be born Thursday. I need this.

Today did not go as planned...

So I get up on the table. The ultrasound tech tries to find a good spot of fluid in which to draw out while dealing with a tiny boy who won't stop moving and showing off. I sign the forms. They start to prep my belly. Nurse sticks her head in and says, "Lindsay, did you have your shot this morning?". I answer yes.
 Amnio was off at that point as no one told me not to have the shot today. So Monday, instead of having the baby, I will be doing the amnio. Delivery is set for Thursday morning now instead. Not what I was expecting, but not the worst thing. I did however get to see that my baby has a head FULL of hair which was waving around in the amniotic fluid. "Look at all of that hair!!", exclaimed the tech. His estimated weight was 6lbs8oz. I'm guessing he'll be a pound more by this time next week when he (fingers crossed) makes his debut.
 Everyone who sent me well wishes and were hoping and praying things would go well today, do you think you could just re-issue those Monday morning? I'm still nervous about it and I REALLY thought it would be over with today.
 Also, I decided again to try and stay awake when I deliver. I want to witness his birth. I don't want him to be alone when he comes. So, I hope I can be a big girl and do what I need to do. (The xanax that the doctor promised for early that morning will probably help with that possibilty)

Promised update..

Bed-rest is in full effect now. No lifting, no standing other than to get from one place to the other. I'm dilated to a centimeter and a fingertip (whatever that means). Since my anxiety medicine isn't working and a stronger one isn't good for baby, we're going for general anesthesia for my c-section on the twelfth to reduce the risk of my anxiety about it causing me to go into labor, which carries an increased risk of uterine rupture due to the keloid scarring on my uterus. The doctor is supposed to call me in a few hours to discuss this further and I really feel at peace with this choice. I was trying to be brave for everyone else, but truth is, I'm just terrified of being awake after the trauma that was Zoe's birth. Oh, and after receiving the call this morning that my insurance would no longer be covering my ridiculously expensive medication, my doctor's secretary came in the room during my NST to show me the confirmation she received that stated that I would, in fact be getting the medicine I need. She stuck it to 'em and it worked. That office can bet on a huge bouquet of flowers from me once this is over. I went from a goofy jerk that could care less, to a sweet and caring doctor whose staff goes out of their way to get things done the right way. This is a rare thing these days as I'm sure many of you know.
 I'm feeling better than I was this morning. I've plugged in a S.cen.t.sy wax warmer that I bought from a nurse up there that is a rep. I've let the dogs in and I'm watching W.ee.ds and letting the sweet smell of white tea and cactus drift around my room. ( I didn't buy into the hype of those wax warmer systems at first, but wow, they smell wonderful)
 I am so happy for Angie (Still Life with Circles) and the arrival of her new little boy. I hope she can rest easy now and enjoy that sweet new baby bliss. He looks just like her (to me at least) and is just precious. Congrats Ang!  You did a great job. I remember you anouncing you last NST last week and now he's here and healthy and perfect. You give me hope that I'll get through this too, healthy boy in tow.

Sorry for dumping...

My last NST is in two hours and I have entirely too many thoughts swirling around and knotting up my insides and I just have to get them out.
I have an anxiety disorder. It's been diagnosed since I was eleven and found myself in the hospital terrified of school and life in general. I was at an advanced school and had always done well  and I began to fail a subject for the first time. I just couldn't grasp algebra at that age. I had never experienced such strong anxiety and I buckled and was eventually put on anxiety medication and continued to take it since, except for during pregnancy. With Ivy, I did well. I don't know what changed, but I found myself functioning with no chemical help for anxiety. With Zoe, it was extremely hard being off of it and I often wonder if the anxiety didn't contribute in some way to the end of that pregnancy. This pregnancy has come with some anxiety issues (obviously) but I've been on Vistaril and it's helped. In fact it's done just enough to help me deal and keep me mostly calm. Well, I started waking up last week after I'd taken it before bed, restless. If you've ever suffered restless leg syndrome, imagine it like that, but all over your body. So I was groggy and unable to think straight and RESTLESS. I could not lay still. I didn't know what was going on. I'd sit in the hot tub at 3:00 a.m. and that was the only thing that helped me be still. As a desperate attempt to figure this out, I stopped the Vistaril and the restlessness went away. The anxiety is getting to be a bit much. There's quite a few outside stresses making it harder. Here are a few of them:
My nutty neighbor keeps calling the Health Department out to my house even though the stupid tiny leak has since been fixed. She called and told them it was worse. They always manage to show up at the most inopportune times. She sits on her porch and gawks at me while I'm watering flowers, sweeping the driveway etc. When she has company, she talks to them in the middle of her yard and laughs ridiculously loud and points and whispers. She got a piece of mail for Kenny in her mailbox two days ago and made a big show of getting our 'nice neighbor' to bring it to me, explaining very loudly why she was just too good to step foot on my property. It's ridiculous. She's ridiculous. I find myself thinking about her more than I should, but damn, every time I walk out of my front door, I feel like I'm on display and that's hard to handle. I have things to do, whereas, making me uncomfortable and trying to make me miserable has become her favorite new hobby. I have to stop myself, and remind myself who I am daily as thoughts of terrible things happening to her play their way across the stage of my brain. I am not that kind of person and I hate having those thoughts about another person

 Earlier this week, a guy from my neighborhood, pretended to be a girl on Facebook and lured a twelve year old (who was a friend of Kenny's niece) boy into meeting him. He sexually assaulted him and killed him and dumped him in some woods not terribly far from here. There are many things I could go on about here, but basically, this guy was already a registered sex offender. Our state is entirely too lenient on these kind of criminals and now a little boy has had his future brutally taken from him. The guy even had a wife and kids. I can't imagine what they are going through although I'm sure it's not as devastating as what that twelve year old's parents are facing.

I've had an issue every single time I go to get my injections from the pharmacy. I've had to pay for them a few times when the insurance wouldn't come through in time and they are $40 each. They give a different reason every two weeks and then the doctor and the pharmacist and myself have to make tons of calls and listen to conflicting reasons why they still won't cover it, and although I'm only going to need then for eleven more days, I'm tired of fighting for them. I took my last one this morning, and I don't know if I'll manage to get what I need before the holiday weekend. If I don't, I'll be spending $160 for my medication until Monday. It's RIDICULOUS! They told they nurse yesterday that if they could get this all arranged and pushed through that we wouldn't have any more issues with them not wanting to cover it for six months. That's great, considering that I only need 11 more. Sigh..

I had a small shower on Sunday. For reasons I won't get into, I probably lost my best friend that day. She's having a hard time and making some bad choices and some people were offended by her attitude and certain actions and afterward, let her know about it. She's angry at me for not taking up for her and she's not seeing the reality of how her mistakes are affecting her outwardly. She is furious at me and others and there is really little I can do besides condone her actions, which I can't do. Later that night she texted me attacking her for not attending her shower (which I just couldn't do so soon after Zoe died)  and Kenny received a text that said," You better hope that your son comes out looking just like Lindsay instead of your fat ugly ass". Some friend huh?

 My insurance just called and informed me that I was prescribed Lovenox for treatment of a condition not recommended by the FDA for use of said medication. It was denied. Umm.. I have two blood clotting disorders and it's an anti-coagulant. What is wrong with these people!!!!!!!


I have to go now. I have to get ready to drive myself across town for this NST and prepare myself for another day of fighting with my insurance for a medication my baby and I need to survive. I'm overwhelmed and this sucks. I'm sorry for dumping, but I had to get some of this out of my head somehow. I'll update real soon.