Apr 13, 2010

Rambling..

I'm on the verge, a brink. I am frustrated with not knowing exactly when this baby is coming. I can feel other's patience wearing thin, while mine is gone. I need to see for myself that this child is ok, not wait and wait some more. I had my feelings hurt terribly on Easter Sunday, and I'm still not sure I deserved it. I was nervous about the amnio that didn't happen and the fact that I thought I would be having a baby on the 12th. I left in tears and haven't heard from 'them' since. I overhear the plans being made for them to visit the baby in the hospital. This feels backwards, like I'm only a baby house to certain people. They don't know what I've been through. They don't know what I'm going through. I've hidden away for most of this pregnancy. I've been so anxious. I ventured out on Easter only to retreat again. My favorite family members haven't even seen this big belly. I skipped reunions, I skipped Christmas. I just couldn't do it. People judge me for this. People want me to be a normal smiling pregnant woman. People are angry at my need for some space on the day the baby comes. I can't make them see why. I receive snide comments. I need friendly faces and love, but that's not how the world is. People think I'm being selfish. They want to plan everything out while I just want to be. They scream about what's 'fair'. What is fair? None of this feels fair to me. I feel like a vessel, like I don't matter much, just what I hold inside. It's not supposed to be like this. I am overwhelmed and silent now. Please let them tell me tomorrow that the baby will be born Thursday. I need this.

6 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

This isn't fair. Nor is it supposed to be like this.
I feel for you so much.
I'm here. I'm listening.
xo

Tina said...

I've been thinking of you this week. It is so hard for people to understsnd why we are not simply happy. I totally get what you are saying. Even thosugh you can't see our friendly faces, please know that we do love and care about you! Wishing you the BEST this week!! xx

Jennifer Ross said...

I've been thinking about you Lindsay. Do what you need to do, and let everybody else grumble amongst themselves. We will never be able to please other people. There is to much unhappiness out in this world... they just don't realize how unhappy they are too. Or whatever you want to fill in the blank with. Just pour your energy into your family, and allow God to take care of the rest.

((hugs))

Penny said...

Just take care of you right now and that will take care of Aidyn too. (I hope I spelled it right.) God speed Thursday. =)

myskytimes said...

These people obviously have no idea how you feel and are certainly in no position to make you feel awkward or give snide comments. Grmpf...

Crossing my fingers and hope for all to go smooth tomorrow. Sending big loves! xoxo

margaret said...

I love you Linds...do what's right for you and fuck em all. Seriously. It's YOU who has dealt with the fear and anxiety throughout this pregnancy and you deserve to have your needs met. If people can't understand, back off and give you some space then too bad. I'm thinking of you hun...only a couple more days. Hugs