Rambling..

I'm on the verge, a brink. I am frustrated with not knowing exactly when this baby is coming. I can feel other's patience wearing thin, while mine is gone. I need to see for myself that this child is ok, not wait and wait some more. I had my feelings hurt terribly on Easter Sunday, and I'm still not sure I deserved it. I was nervous about the amnio that didn't happen and the fact that I thought I would be having a baby on the 12th. I left in tears and haven't heard from 'them' since. I overhear the plans being made for them to visit the baby in the hospital. This feels backwards, like I'm only a baby house to certain people. They don't know what I've been through. They don't know what I'm going through. I've hidden away for most of this pregnancy. I've been so anxious. I ventured out on Easter only to retreat again. My favorite family members haven't even seen this big belly. I skipped reunions, I skipped Christmas. I just couldn't do it. People judge me for this. People want me to be a normal smiling pregnant woman. People are angry at my need for some space on the day the baby comes. I can't make them see why. I receive snide comments. I need friendly faces and love, but that's not how the world is. People think I'm being selfish. They want to plan everything out while I just want to be. They scream about what's 'fair'. What is fair? None of this feels fair to me. I feel like a vessel, like I don't matter much, just what I hold inside. It's not supposed to be like this. I am overwhelmed and silent now. Please let them tell me tomorrow that the baby will be born Thursday. I need this.