Sorry for dumping...

My last NST is in two hours and I have entirely too many thoughts swirling around and knotting up my insides and I just have to get them out.
I have an anxiety disorder. It's been diagnosed since I was eleven and found myself in the hospital terrified of school and life in general. I was at an advanced school and had always done well  and I began to fail a subject for the first time. I just couldn't grasp algebra at that age. I had never experienced such strong anxiety and I buckled and was eventually put on anxiety medication and continued to take it since, except for during pregnancy. With Ivy, I did well. I don't know what changed, but I found myself functioning with no chemical help for anxiety. With Zoe, it was extremely hard being off of it and I often wonder if the anxiety didn't contribute in some way to the end of that pregnancy. This pregnancy has come with some anxiety issues (obviously) but I've been on Vistaril and it's helped. In fact it's done just enough to help me deal and keep me mostly calm. Well, I started waking up last week after I'd taken it before bed, restless. If you've ever suffered restless leg syndrome, imagine it like that, but all over your body. So I was groggy and unable to think straight and RESTLESS. I could not lay still. I didn't know what was going on. I'd sit in the hot tub at 3:00 a.m. and that was the only thing that helped me be still. As a desperate attempt to figure this out, I stopped the Vistaril and the restlessness went away. The anxiety is getting to be a bit much. There's quite a few outside stresses making it harder. Here are a few of them:
My nutty neighbor keeps calling the Health Department out to my house even though the stupid tiny leak has since been fixed. She called and told them it was worse. They always manage to show up at the most inopportune times. She sits on her porch and gawks at me while I'm watering flowers, sweeping the driveway etc. When she has company, she talks to them in the middle of her yard and laughs ridiculously loud and points and whispers. She got a piece of mail for Kenny in her mailbox two days ago and made a big show of getting our 'nice neighbor' to bring it to me, explaining very loudly why she was just too good to step foot on my property. It's ridiculous. She's ridiculous. I find myself thinking about her more than I should, but damn, every time I walk out of my front door, I feel like I'm on display and that's hard to handle. I have things to do, whereas, making me uncomfortable and trying to make me miserable has become her favorite new hobby. I have to stop myself, and remind myself who I am daily as thoughts of terrible things happening to her play their way across the stage of my brain. I am not that kind of person and I hate having those thoughts about another person

 Earlier this week, a guy from my neighborhood, pretended to be a girl on Facebook and lured a twelve year old (who was a friend of Kenny's niece) boy into meeting him. He sexually assaulted him and killed him and dumped him in some woods not terribly far from here. There are many things I could go on about here, but basically, this guy was already a registered sex offender. Our state is entirely too lenient on these kind of criminals and now a little boy has had his future brutally taken from him. The guy even had a wife and kids. I can't imagine what they are going through although I'm sure it's not as devastating as what that twelve year old's parents are facing.

I've had an issue every single time I go to get my injections from the pharmacy. I've had to pay for them a few times when the insurance wouldn't come through in time and they are $40 each. They give a different reason every two weeks and then the doctor and the pharmacist and myself have to make tons of calls and listen to conflicting reasons why they still won't cover it, and although I'm only going to need then for eleven more days, I'm tired of fighting for them. I took my last one this morning, and I don't know if I'll manage to get what I need before the holiday weekend. If I don't, I'll be spending $160 for my medication until Monday. It's RIDICULOUS! They told they nurse yesterday that if they could get this all arranged and pushed through that we wouldn't have any more issues with them not wanting to cover it for six months. That's great, considering that I only need 11 more. Sigh..

I had a small shower on Sunday. For reasons I won't get into, I probably lost my best friend that day. She's having a hard time and making some bad choices and some people were offended by her attitude and certain actions and afterward, let her know about it. She's angry at me for not taking up for her and she's not seeing the reality of how her mistakes are affecting her outwardly. She is furious at me and others and there is really little I can do besides condone her actions, which I can't do. Later that night she texted me attacking her for not attending her shower (which I just couldn't do so soon after Zoe died)  and Kenny received a text that said," You better hope that your son comes out looking just like Lindsay instead of your fat ugly ass". Some friend huh?

 My insurance just called and informed me that I was prescribed Lovenox for treatment of a condition not recommended by the FDA for use of said medication. It was denied. Umm.. I have two blood clotting disorders and it's an anti-coagulant. What is wrong with these people!!!!!!!


I have to go now. I have to get ready to drive myself across town for this NST and prepare myself for another day of fighting with my insurance for a medication my baby and I need to survive. I'm overwhelmed and this sucks. I'm sorry for dumping, but I had to get some of this out of my head somehow. I'll update real soon.