May 21, 2010

It happened to me after all...

I guess I sort of never felt like it would pertain to me. The whole idea that when a new child is born after you lose one, it brings with it all sorts of emotions about your sweet lost baby and takes you places in the not-so-distant-past that had seemed to be losing a little of their sting.
 When Aidyn first came home, he would crack his eyes halfway open (I only ever saw Zoe's eyes opened halfway) and I would want him to open them wide, to remind me that he is well and healthy. 
 Now, when he cracks those eyes half open when he is deep asleep, I look. I see her more clearly in my mind. I can see that he resembles her a little bit, which I can't see when his eyes are open, as I have no memories of her with hers open.
 I often see him and feel utter joy while at the same time feel an ache in my soul for what I was robbed of with Zoe. I can see it in color and real time. It's a strange duality.
 I constantly check in on his breathing, and like in my womb when I would suddenly wonder if he was ok,   and he'd give me a gentle nudge as if to say, "It's ok mom", he now gives me a little wiggle, a curl of his tiny fist that says "I'm okay, I'm breathing and happy and fine".
 It's sad and beautiful at the same time, that I don't get the normal, 'new baby experience' and that I certainly didn't get what I had dreamed of for the 'new-baby-after-loss-hospital-experience'. I didn't receive a single flower and the N.I.C.U. held my baby hostage as I struggled with the similarities between his birth and Zoe's, but I did finally get this precious boy out of the N.I.C.U. and now he is here with me.
 I  never expected these emotions I had heard so much about. Somehow, I suppose because I grieve so differently than most in this journey, these feelings snuck up on me. Now, a girl who rarely cries, and rarely slows down, is in tears part of the day and feeling a bit shocked and overwhelmed to be feeling this now while I'm too busy to properly lick my wounds...


Snarky Belle said...

"sad and beautiful at the same time"...such truth.
And it applies to most of life.
Love you.

Hope's Mama said...

It is so hard, Lindsay. I think you're doing a wonderful job of things though.

mel said...

I'm sorry you face such hurt. Your son is beautiful as are your daughters! Thinking of you. Mel