Sep 16, 2010

A little low...and random thoughts...

I wasn't really with Zoe's father when she was born (or cut quickly out of me, whatever) and I was afraid to see him for hours after it happened and I was lost and sad and had just had a baby and had no idea what form my life would take from that day forward. I never had a partner to grieve with (not saying her father didn't grieve) together. I went home to Ivy and tried to pick my old life off of the floor and shine it up and do my best for Ivy. It was hard. She was the kid at school whose baby sister died. I was the woman whose body gave out on her and her child and it killed her.

 Since her death, I suffer this alone (well, with my mother) and Kenny never got it and the awesome new guy I've been tries harder than most to 'get it'. It's lonely though, a different kind of lonely. It's like you had this whole god-awful experience that still brings tears to your eyes and makes you act like a bitch once a year, but everyone just thinks you're that crazy dead-baby lady.
 I snapped last night and said something ugly and was completely unaware I had hurt new guy's (someone I'll introduce you to soon enough) feelings.
 Let's back up a minute:
 Some of the events of Zoe's life are confusing or out of order in my mind. Anyway, I missed my baby terribly while I was in bed recovering from all of the blood-loss and she was being cared for in the N.I.C.U. and either I picked out a soft lamb, or my mom brought it up to me from the gift shop, either was, it was my surrogate Zoe, and hugging it tight and sending thoughts of 'live baby girl, please live' was the only way I could drift off.
 I have since strapped her hospital bracelet around the lambs wrist and set it in Aidyn's crib. He'll wrap his arms around it when he's on his side, and drift off to sleep.
 Last night, I went to bed alone. I was exhausted. I grabbed the lamb and found Dragonfly on Netflix. Just a warning, that movie WILL make you cry your eyes out. I turned away from the computer and just lay on my tummy holding the lamb. I pulled it up under my neck and all of the tears I haven't cried came pouring out. I could suddenly remember in detail, the feelings I had while holding that lamb up under my neck. The praying, wishing, hoping that I could rewind time, that I could fix this, that God would intervene and stop this.
 I haven't been able to access my feelings about my stay in the hospital, only Zoe's last two weeks there. I ignored that I was cut from my pubic bone to my belly button and walked for her and left bloody footprints on the floor, walked to see her. Held her even though it hurt. I think I believed I deserved the pain when I looked at her little body lying there still being kept alive by bleeping machines and tubes. They said she was never in pain. My mother's intuition didn't and still doesn't believe that.
 I know these feelings are coming around because the end of September is coming and then the three weeks that I can't think straight between then and October 17th. I feel like my statute of limitations to grieve over her is over (as far as anyone wanting to hear about it at least) and I'm not ready.
 I woke up again after trying so hard to fall asleep and noticed something was edgy about new guy's attitude. That's when I found out about my ugliness, and apologized. Then I went in Aidyn's room where he was sleeping and put my hand on his back to feel him breathe. I thanked God that he made it. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to pretend I was touching her, just for a second, then I took a bath and cried. There was no sympathy for me, as I had been such a bitch. I was alone in this grief, which is what I was used to. Honestly, for about a year, I've tried not to think of her in depth, in painful detail. She's gone and not coming back and that's it, I tell myself. It's how I cope with other things as well, but last night I thought about the boy with the dead big sister. Miss Ivy who will never grow up with a sister, even though she has had one. I think about me as well. It's hard with two kids, and would have been harder with three, but I would have done it. I would have done it like everything else in my life I've decided I was going to do.


Mary said...

Greif comes in the most unexpected moments. Your little girl knows how much you love and miss her.

Skytimes said...

Oh dear... this post has made me blink away the tears constantly. As far as I'm concerned, I'll never be tired to hear about Zoe and you are well within your time-limits (as in: forever) to talk about her all you want and need. That picture of Aidyn and the lamb... wow.

I'm glad you worked it out with "new guy". Myself, sometimes I can't deal with anything less than my dead son and I tend to act bitchy with anything "minor"... Since Sky, I see myself as a lesser friend, because sometimes I just can't deal with anything else but my own bloody grief. Poor guy that ever has to deal with me...

Wishing the best for you and sending loads of strength to get through the tough weeks that lay ahead. (And praying to the post-gods that the package will arrive soon).

Big loves & xoxo

Anonymous said...

i did uderstand the pain you went through lindsay i was there holding you crying.undestanding the pain you must have been through.when you felt alone i was there, i guess you were hurting to much to notice you wern't. you know we had some good times too lindsay

Catherine W said...

Oh Lindsay. That photograph of Aidyn with Zoe-Beth's lamb. So beautiful and so heartbreaking.
I pretend too sometimes. That I'm feeling my other child breathe.