Sep 2, 2010

They remembered...

My grandmother died a little over a month ago. I went to say goodbye to her. She looked like she had become one with the mattress she was laying on. I could see her heart beat in every vein in her body. She moved, tried to come toward my voice when I walked in the room. I told her everything I've ever wanted to say to her. I cried on her. I told her to hold my girl for me, to tell her how much her mommy loves her and misses her. I told her she was the greatest woman I ever knew. That was the last time she moved at all.
 I only focused on getting through the visitation and funeral. They didn't cover up Zoe's grave to bury her like I was so scared of.
 My uncle stopped me outside of the church, after I had gone to visit Zoe in the cemetery and see my grandmother actually in the ground, and told me that she had waited for me. He told me she never moved again, that she was waiting for my goodbye. I don't know about all that but he and my grandfather believe it.
 In the midst of all these anxiety invoking services over the course of two days, I never peeked at her obituary. When I finally decided to, I noticed that it reads, "Faye was preceded in death by, her first husband, parents, a brother, a grandson and great grand-daughter". I never saw that.
 This part of my family, that ignores everything, or at best will sweep an uncomfortable subject under the rug, remembered her. It took days to notice, but they remembered her. They included her. This same group, who left Zoe's name off of a huge family tree decoration at a family reunion (I took a piece of construction paper and a sharpie and added it in anyway), remembered to include my girl. They acknowledged that she once was. To me, she still is.
It's September. Almost three years since she was born.

(Thinking of Ciaran too, Bir)


Snarky Belle said...

So beautiful. This brought tears to my eyes. Love you.

bir said...

Oh Linds.. I cried my way through this post, and that was before I read your last line (xxxx)... my grandmother is 96. She has been given her last rites this week as we just don't know what will happen. She's in hospital, having 'turns' that they thought were 'mini strokes', but now think are some kind of seizures. I'm desperately trying to get down to see her. To tell her our news. I can't bear to lose her, but on some level I feel a joy for her, that she will once more hold her baby daughter, and my son, as well as other children and her husband. I'm selfish enough to want her to stay longer though.

Thinking of you x

Penny said...

I'm so sorry. I lost both my grandmothers 3 years ago within 3 months. They, too, were two of the greatest women I've known. I've buried 6 grandparents. Such a heartbreaking thing to do. I miss them all the time.
I am glad for you that your family included Zoe-Beth. I know that meant so much to you. God bless and comfort you during this time.
Hope you and your babies are doing well. And hope to see more of you, and them, on here.

Mary said...

It was a very touching post. It brought me tears. It is good to hear that they included little Zoe.

Skytimes said...

Geez, can't believe I keep missing posts here...

This post resulted in a lot of tears... and thinking about the family tree before you mentioned it. I'm so glad Zoe was included in everyone's thoughts, not just in yours (and ours here). Laughed while crying when I read about the sharpie... well done.

I'm glad you got to say goodbye to your grandma. I'm glad she waited for you... Thinking of you and lighting Sky's candle for Faye and Zoe tonight (as in: right now). Big loves to you. xo