I realized it the other day. I don't think anyone else knows or that I even knew until the last week or so. I am still grieving. I still miss my little girl. I still look at a boy and imagine him being dragged around and loved on and chased by, two sisters. It hurts me that my current boyfriend didn't know me before. I was so much more confident, and needed no reassurance. The very things he resents me for, my weakness.
Or maybe he doesn't but then there's another reminder, I don't trust people. Since Zoe died, I don't trust people to stick around because in my experience they don't. I don't expect him to stick around forever. I don't trust anyone to do that. How do you have a relationship, if you don't learn to trust someone to stay?
I really want to participate in the Where I am Now Project of Angie's. Today though, this is where I am. Remembering that I'm still grieving and I don't trust anyone and it's hurting my relationships....
Jul 22, 2011
Damnit
Posted by Lindsay at 1:58 PM
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3 comments:
I don't think any mother ever stops grieving a lost child. :( I don't think it's too late for you to consider some grief couseling/support group. It might help to talk to someone with experience. If you do, just be careful and weigh what they say~ and you have to find a couselor that you are comfortable with.
I'm sorry I don't have anything wiser for you. :(
My dear friend... I'm afraid grieve will never stop and we can only hope that people accept us the way we are now. Cause for me it was hard enough to accept myself and my new normal.
My thoughts float around the same question you raised:
"How do you have a relationship, if you don't learn to trust someone to stay?"
That's probably my biggest lesson to learn (besides learning to live without my son): regain trust. Not expect a man to run away as soon as things get dire. I hope we'll get there.
Love to you and yours.
xoxo
Still grieving with you my friend... x
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