Jun 29, 2012

I....

I tried to come back. I was hurt that someone commented that I should never have had children. I believe him on a bad day, I know he's crazy when I look into my beautiful children's eyes and when they smile, oblivious to nothing but happiness in the moment, something I'm working on. I cleaned up my yard. I bought ferns and pink jasmine and put them in planters around the porch. Put two chairs and a little table on the porch with a welcome mat I turn outward so I can imagine the world welcomes me as I step into it. I needlefelt and paint but also work hard to free up stretches of hours to do nothing, Aidyn's naptime. I chase happiness and feel it on a good day, far removed from it on a bad day. I feel like happiness is a choice but why does it feel like work to choose it? I still miss Zoe. She doesn't feel like she was ever here sometimes. I see her picture and it feels like I was born missing her, like her loss was always in my life. I knew since I was little something bad was coming later in life for me. My anxiety started at 11. I painted a picture of a strong crying flower cradling a wilted smaller flower with bloody roots, two years before it happened. Before I ever had children, I knew losing one was the worst thing that could happen. I want to believe the next thirty years will be much happier than the first. I have no instinct about my future now, so maybe the worst is over, maybe, maybe.

5 comments:

Penny said...

It's good to here from you. I hope you post more often. I have you on my sidebar so I know when you're back. Always look for you and you were on my heart this morning. I wonder if we'll ever get to meet IRL. My daughter that lived there moved to Odessa, TX a couple of months ago. I hate that she's now 12 or 13 hours away! :( Who is this little troll named Boris? Does he mean anything to you~ or a stranger??? I hope he does not have children. Just because someone struggles with grief/loss does not mean they should never have had children. None of us can decide that~ only the One that knit those babies in your womb~ obviously He doesn't agree with Boris. Delete and block....

Penny said...

*hear* I have freaking typos. haha

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