Zoe-Beth

Happy Birthday baby. I miss you so much. I wish you were here, running around with your family. Things are sad and crazy for your momma right now. My heart hurts. I love you, forever, xoxoxoxoxoxo
                                          Mommy

Darkness

I don't sleep well, I don't eat much. I see Jeff, I don't see him much. I take care of the kids well. I walk along lost when not doing that. My mom thought I was on drugs because I'm so skinny. I cried and told her it wasn't drugs, it is loss, it is pain, it is Jeff, slowly breaking my heart with his doubts. She cried, to see me hurt so badly. Losing Zoe broke my heart and I pieced it together with thin fabric and found strings and declared it suitable for going on. Jeff found a ragged edge and pulled hard, too hard. He didn't mean to rip it, after all I insisted it was made of tougher stuff. I guess he had to pull it open, I just wasn't ready for what I would feel once my heart was re-opened. I've thought about hospitals, I've thought about escape. I think more of my kids and how they need a mom, here, regardless.
 I've never had a live person break my heart, and we're still together in a small sad way. In limbo. Now I feel that limbo is closer to hell, the hope to rise out of it will consume your mind.
Zoe's birthday is tomorrow and my heart has taken however many giant steps backwards. Light bulbs are busting all over the house immersing me in darkness.

Limbo

Some days are better than others, with the mornings being unbearable. Jeff and I are still 'together' but in a limbo that is convenient for him and painful for me. He isn't living here and I miss him. We talk and I go see him. Every now and again, I get insecure and fight with him. I don't mean for it to happen, but I am so confused by all this. I don't know how to just let go and let the chips fall as they may. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of something not quite lost yet. I am having a really hard time. At times I feel like surely love will prevail and this will be ok. I spent Aidyn's infancy with this guy and we both agree that we love and miss each other. Other days I feel like I'm just enduring the slow death of a realtionship that meant so very much to me. I get messages where he assures me he cares about me and is thinking about and working on this, other days I feel like an afterthought for him, while he's always on my mind. This will have to end soon. I can't wait around forever wondering if I'm going to get the life I loved back. It either needs to happen or I need to start building a new life as much as I don't feel ready to. I have (ish) the person I want. I don't want to start over again. I know I can but it hurts. I had the life I wanted, the one I was told to believe in and then Jeff floated away from me on a cloud of doubt and guilt. I can't figure this out for him, but I can't live in limbo forever.

Empty

Helping me raise my children, made him feel guilty about the situation with his son.
I can't have another child...
 Two of these are reasons Jeff decided he didn't know if he could be with me. He said his feelings changed after seeing his little boy so excited about his ex wife's new baby. We stuck it out a week after he decided he had these feelings. I thought everything was going to be ok. He got drunk last night and showed his true colors. The fact that I stood beside him didn't matter. He said I was selfish and never made his problems a bigger priority than my own. I took him to his mother's in the middle of the night. All he took with him was the rest of his beer.....and a part of my heart.

There is no 'maybe' we'll get back together, it's the real thing, it's over.

(Feel free to comment however you like, just please don't bash Jeff. I am so, so angry by how blind he is and how bad I am hurting but I don't want ugly things said as I do, unfortunately, love him.)