Sep 28, 2011

Darkness

I don't sleep well, I don't eat much. I see Jeff, I don't see him much. I take care of the kids well. I walk along lost when not doing that. My mom thought I was on drugs because I'm so skinny. I cried and told her it wasn't drugs, it is loss, it is pain, it is Jeff, slowly breaking my heart with his doubts. She cried, to see me hurt so badly. Losing Zoe broke my heart and I pieced it together with thin fabric and found strings and declared it suitable for going on. Jeff found a ragged edge and pulled hard, too hard. He didn't mean to rip it, after all I insisted it was made of tougher stuff. I guess he had to pull it open, I just wasn't ready for what I would feel once my heart was re-opened. I've thought about hospitals, I've thought about escape. I think more of my kids and how they need a mom, here, regardless.
 I've never had a live person break my heart, and we're still together in a small sad way. In limbo. Now I feel that limbo is closer to hell, the hope to rise out of it will consume your mind.
Zoe's birthday is tomorrow and my heart has taken however many giant steps backwards. Light bulbs are busting all over the house immersing me in darkness.

3 comments:

Catherine W said...

Oh Lindsay. I am so very sorry that you are going through such a painful time. It is so difficult when you've put your fragile heart out there and it gets broken.
Thinking of you and your little Zoe over these coming days and hoping for lighter times ahead for you xo

Lindsay said...

It's even darker, we broke up.

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