Limbo

Some days are better than others, with the mornings being unbearable. Jeff and I are still 'together' but in a limbo that is convenient for him and painful for me. He isn't living here and I miss him. We talk and I go see him. Every now and again, I get insecure and fight with him. I don't mean for it to happen, but I am so confused by all this. I don't know how to just let go and let the chips fall as they may. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of something not quite lost yet. I am having a really hard time. At times I feel like surely love will prevail and this will be ok. I spent Aidyn's infancy with this guy and we both agree that we love and miss each other. Other days I feel like I'm just enduring the slow death of a realtionship that meant so very much to me. I get messages where he assures me he cares about me and is thinking about and working on this, other days I feel like an afterthought for him, while he's always on my mind. This will have to end soon. I can't wait around forever wondering if I'm going to get the life I loved back. It either needs to happen or I need to start building a new life as much as I don't feel ready to. I have (ish) the person I want. I don't want to start over again. I know I can but it hurts. I had the life I wanted, the one I was told to believe in and then Jeff floated away from me on a cloud of doubt and guilt. I can't figure this out for him, but I can't live in limbo forever.