Sep 9, 2011


Some days are better than others, with the mornings being unbearable. Jeff and I are still 'together' but in a limbo that is convenient for him and painful for me. He isn't living here and I miss him. We talk and I go see him. Every now and again, I get insecure and fight with him. I don't mean for it to happen, but I am so confused by all this. I don't know how to just let go and let the chips fall as they may. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of something not quite lost yet. I am having a really hard time. At times I feel like surely love will prevail and this will be ok. I spent Aidyn's infancy with this guy and we both agree that we love and miss each other. Other days I feel like I'm just enduring the slow death of a realtionship that meant so very much to me. I get messages where he assures me he cares about me and is thinking about and working on this, other days I feel like an afterthought for him, while he's always on my mind. This will have to end soon. I can't wait around forever wondering if I'm going to get the life I loved back. It either needs to happen or I need to start building a new life as much as I don't feel ready to. I have (ish) the person I want. I don't want to start over again. I know I can but it hurts. I had the life I wanted, the one I was told to believe in and then Jeff floated away from me on a cloud of doubt and guilt. I can't figure this out for him, but I can't live in limbo forever.


KnottedFingers said...

I just found your blog through a Baby Loss blog roll. I love my little girl in 2007 also. She lived for 3 weeks 2 days. It's now been just over 4 years since she died. I'm already feeling a kinship with you since your Zoe Beth passed so near the time my little girl did.

I've read what's going on with Jeff and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that you are hurting and in limbo. I will send you warm thoughts and hugs and love.


Lindsay said...

Nice to meet you Melissa! I hate the circumstances but glad you came here. I'm so sorry you lost your sweet baby. It can still be so hard...xoxo

skytimes said...

Thinking of you my friend. And crossing my fingers that limbo won't be forever! Much love! xoxo

still life angie said...

Just catching up after a weekend retreat, oh, honey, I'm so sorry to read what is going on with Jeff. I love you and know that I am sending you both all the healing and love vibes I can spare. xo

Im Not Ava said...

I genuinely love your blog! I've got you as one of my preferred. Thanks for sharing!