Too Late

My daughter was coherent for five hours or so. Blinking, grabbing, stretching and aware. My mother and our preacher saw her like this. Her daddy saw her, eyes staring back at him and her blinking. He tried to get me up to the N.I.C.U. to see her, as the doctors said that brain damage would likely manifest before very long.
I was in recovery. I was getting blood. I refused a catheter and insisted on getting up shortly after an emergency cesarean to pee. I had to get up, for her...I had to prove I was strong enough to be moved from my floor.
I needed to be with her.
I didn't get there fast enough. I never saw her with her eyes both open and functioning. I never saw her blink I only saw what they termed 'reflexive movements'.
I am grateful to have met and held her, to have caressed her soft dark hair and kiss her porcelein face. I give thanks for her strong heart, and the fact I was able to see it beating on the monitor for hours in her hospital room.
But I was too late, for those few hours of her life that she was truly 'here'. I was there for what we called her 'one foot in Heaven and one foot on earth' phase.
I only hope that she heard me read to her and when I would quietly sing. I wonder if she knew I was her mommy when I was with her, when I held her?
These thoughts and questions still come up from time to time. They are however, pointless because they have no answer in this world.





(spoiler)

K and I are planning a getway that ahem...just might change our family dynamic in a big way......

Under the Tree ~ April

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been one year, six months, a week and one day. My grief has changed in intensity and frequency. Some things are harder as time passes. People still say ridiculous things. I'm at the point where most people don't think about your child much anymore and think you should be 'over it' as well (Or at least have put your sadness away on a shelf). I cry less, I imagine what might have been more now. L.O. is way more aware now, that she got ripped off in the sibling department.
I have noticed that I am more likely now to speak out against ignorant statements about Zoe's life. I tend to try to put it into perspective for them instead of keeping my mouth shut and rolling words around in my head for days.



How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

At first, I felt almost sick when I saw a pregnant woman. It was fear, it was anger and longing.
I still can't help but notice them, but I mutter a little prayer under my breath that they will be just fine. Now when I see a pregnant lady, I am little jealous. I really want to be in a place where I can have another baby. Hopefully I must only wait a little longer...

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

This blog and all of my friends and comments have given me a renewed sense of belonging, and taken away alot of my initial bewilderment.
I force myself to go outside on the really bad days and I just sit by Zoe's rose tree and look at the new growth, soak up a little sun and feel the wind.
When I feel I need 'me' time, I'm not afraid to ask. I've always needed a bit of alone time, but I find that now, I need more of it to not feel frazzled. I have to breathe and center, so to speak. It puts things in perspective.
I try to look ahead and be happy about the blank pages of the future. I don't want to be bound by fear anymore in my life.

Last year...

This day, last year,
One of my favorite ladies...
And I...
Went way high in the air, for fun, and paid to do it...
We got strapped in, behind a boat, with only a rope and a parachute, holding our lives in the air..

We went up...

And up...

I was so high birds flew UNDER me...

We had a blast and felt no fear. It was very serene.
L (girl in picture and in air with me) chilled with an alligator...

And I was eaten by a shark...

And it was wonderful.
It's adventure time in La La Land. I get the itch to get away and I have to scratch it.
Thanks for all the sweet comments lately.
L.O. comes home this afternoon, so I've got to finish cleaning!

The uughs and trying to be happy...

Can I get an...UUGH!!
I have been on a mission to try and get to, and remain in a good mood for the last few days. It's so not happening.
I know that I should not let money troubles be a part of this. However, my cell phone is 'temporarily not accepting calls' i.e. is cut off at the moment. ANOTHER pipe busted under my house, while we're so broke. I KNOW that God takes care of us. He always has. I understand that I live in sin, and I'm sure God's blessings will pour down once we are living right(living married), but until then, He knows our hearts and our love, and our lack of financial ability to live apart (btw..we did live apart for many months but then there was an actors strike and he was out of work for a WHILE...How could I let the man that I love lose the roof over his head?) Not an excuse. All I'm saying is that we are sustained by God for our needs even though we are sinners. (Can you tell I'm a bit touchy?) Ah well, the situation we're in keeps us humble I suppose.
I've learned in my attempt to 'cheer up' that I am indeed quite shy. I feel spotlighted around other people and don't know quite how to respond 98% of the time. Now, I've always been a bit awkward, but nothing I couldn't easily hide. These days I radiate awkwardness and I suppose I blame it on the not taking pills. I hid my sadness and pain and lack of energy for so long with them, and now my 'new normal' has really just settling in and perhaps I am depressed? Is it possible to be depressed on an anti-depressant?
What will it take to keep a smile on my face? I had decided that it is a choice, but I've been choosing it and no real joy has occurred. I know I sound ungrateful, and this is not my cheeriest post ever. Sorry.
I'm such a stranger. I'm very abstract. I don't fit conventional 'groups' of people. I feel at home in the baby lost community, but that's about it...how sad.
I crave the ease in which I used to operate through life. Painting feels wonderful, but in the struggle to keep the house clean, it gets cleaned up and put aside, until I have more energy, which is not now. Am I bitter? Is that why cheer comes so hard? Am I a pessimist?

Don't you mess with a little girls dreams...or she's liable to grow up mean.~Poe (the singer not Edgar Allen..

I miss showing my work. NO matter how tiny the opening, it just feels good. I can dream for a real New York show and smile..and mean it. It's the moment I stop feeling inadequate in the world. It fades away quickly. I know I can show my work again. What I don't know is if I can finish another 12.
The first one that I showed you a pic of..is gone already. The self-portrait has had an offer and has not even been declared for sale. (not selling it to them mom, not yet..)
I am stuck on my third one, which really means that I don't have the energy.


It's time now. It's almost noon. I'm not dressed and this post has not yet come to any conclusions, just a ramble/rant. It's time to search more, go outside and look at the tiny bloom beginning on Zoe's rose tree. Let in some sunshine, and try to be content if not bubbly.
I leave you with a picture of the me a year before I lost Zoe. I miss that baby girl

I miss this girl too...



btw..the song I posted a few posts back "Fly away" just started to play on my online radio...hmmm
Love you Guys...

Good morning! (Or whatever time it is where you are:)
I have caught up on everybody's blog this morning. I cannot believe the beautiful video that some baby lost mom's made for Kai and his parents. It is just beautiful. It makes me happy to know that I sadly belong this beautiful group of women.
So many lost babies...it's hard to wrap your mind around. I feel so deeply for you all, but I'm at a lack of words for you sometimes. I struggle with feeling as though I haven't done enough to honor my Zoe-Beth. Have I told you she was beautiful? Have I said how much I wanted her? Have I told you how my heart broke that day, in a way I will never be able to explain? Or, what about how inadequate I feel as a parent to L.O. and how I feel that maybe, just maybe God doesn't love me, and I'm clinging to a Father that sees me as an annoyance, a fly. I feel His prescence and I KNOW he's there. Call me crazy (everyone else does) but I felt God's sadness when Zoe-Beth left this earth, sadness for her death, not for me.
Well, enough with the pity party. Ruth asked me how I was doing off the pain-killers so I thought I would do an update on that. I don't have near as much energy as I'm used to. I'm hoping that it will get better. I'm trying to eat a little better and smoke less (I see fine lines between my eyebrows EEK!) but I am still exhausted alot. I try to get outside everyday. I am taking it easy on being in public as I still feel a bit jittery. There is still temptation. My ex-roomate came and got the rest of her things. She pulls me aside and shows me a bttle of pain-killers and offered them to me. I even have so-called friends calling to have me identify their pill purchases.Great...I'm the local expert :( but I try, I give the phone to K, who is strong for me when I'm feeling weak. I don't think anyone I know (maybe K) believes that I will do this. I have to prove them wrong, in my own heart and mind at least. Thank you Ruth for asking. It's so nice to know you give a hoot :)xo
In other matters, L.O. spent the majority of Spring break with me. She'll be spending the rest with her dad, five hours away to visit her new nephew Levi.
Let me share this real quick...When my ex-mother in law called to tell me Levi was well and on his way home from the hospital, before I could say anything she adds,"To bad you weren't that lucky". OUCH LADY!! Gotta love the nerve of some people..
So I guess I'm off of 'mommy duty' for now, I should try to look presentable and go pay some bills and pick up some dinner for later.
I'll leave you with some new pictures of my Ottis 'puppy' lol

He knows he's a pretty puppy...
Can I get a biscuit around here?!

Let's go outside!


Isn't he a handsome lttle (big) man?
Well it's time to get moving and head in to town. I hope you all have a great day. I'm praying for Stellan and Kayleigh as they face medical trials this week.
Thanks to all who told my mom how pretty she is. She really is beautiful!
XOXO Linds-

Happy Easter! (umm, a little late)

I hope everyone had a happy Easter Sunday!
In our household, we do the Easter Bunny thing for L.O. (after all, isn't childhood supposed to be fun and mysterious?) and we talk about Jesus and all he did for us by dying on the cross. We go to church and eat with the family after.
The day before Easter was a little wild. I'll be following with a post about 'friends' later.
K wanted to 'help' and gave me this great oppourtunuty for an adorable photo.
Isn't he cute with his teddy? he he ;)
So this is what we, ahem, I mean the Easter Bunny brought for L.O....

She loved it.
We all got dressed and went to church with my mom and dad.
(My camera doesn't take the beat pictures)

I missed hearing the preacher I grew up hearing and saw some people I had not seen in a while. L.O. was quiet during the service. K said it went a bit slow for him, but I'm hoping to get him to go back. My parents had lunch at their house. A non-traditional gumbo and red beans and rice... :). I didn't manage to get a picture of mom in her Easter clothes, but I DID get a picture of her in her p.j.s after church. And I know she'll kill me but I'll be ok. Here she is...
Doesn't she look ravishing? (Your welcome mom!;)
So, sorry this post is late. My best friend just left to go back to New Orleans. I have chicken to de-bone and dumplings to make. Then it's Marley and Me for L.O. and I and a big bowl of popcorn.
Have a great afternoon!

Summer dreams, some pictures and a prayer...

L.o. my mother and I went to New Orleans, to the Aquarium of America...


Here's a seahorse...



A few months later, we went to the Gulf of Mexico and stayed in a 'beach house' with our family...




The water was pretty murky...
L.o. and I wrote our names in the sand on the right if you look close...

I really hope to find happiness in the sun again this summer. I can taste the salt in the air, and I'm daydreaming of the sand under my feet...

This year, I want to see sand and beaches like this again (Gulf Shores, last April)...

And stalk crabs with my camera...

Take a long walk on the beach...
Dear Lord,
Please (if it be YOUR will) provide the opportunity for me to travel to where my heart is calmed and my senses awakened. I'm longing for the peace that you send to me in the calm tide in early morning; the way you speak to me in the roar of the waves.
Please Father, wash your peace over those we know are suffering. Please heal sweet Stellan and be with Jennifer. Be with B. and her April Rose as they face so much uncertainty. Keep your arms around Kayleigh Freeman and her family, and whatever is going on with her, please keep her from pain. Bless Carly and help her find balance (and an appetite) send her my thoughts of love. Send peace and comfort to Ezra's mommy and daddy. Thank you for blessing me with them. Send your blessings upon Rachel and her new marriage, God please give to them a healthy child one day!
I'd also like to pray for your peace to be upon Jennifer Ross. Please Lord, let it be your will, that she will bring a perfectly pink bouncing baby into this world in a few months. Would you also help Mary to not feel so alone? I know she misses Lukas and feels so isolated. Please help her and her husband to come together in their grief and heal their aching hearts. Thank you for Sally. Would you help her to use her blog as an outlet once more, and keep those away who have only their own intentions at heart?
When I asked you for friends Father, I had no idea that this would be your plan, but I am so grateful that it was.
Thank you for today. Tell Zoe that her mommy and sissy love and miss her. Thank you for allowing all of our little ones to live in your presence. I can think of no better childhood than growing up with Jesus. Let all of our children know that we speak of them, that we miss them and that we can't wait to all be together.
I ask these things in the name of your Son.
Amen

Fly Away

(This song made me cry my eyes out the other day. Thought I'd share...)

It makes sense that it should happen this way
That the sky should break, and the earth should shake
As if to say: Sure it all matters but in such an
unimportant way
As if to say:

Fly away, sweet bird of prey
Fly fly away
Nothing can stand in your way
Sweet bird, if you knew the words
I know that you'd say: fly, fly away

It makes sense that it should hurt in this way
That my heart should break, and my hands should shake
As if to say: Sure it don't matter except in the most
important way
As if to say:

Fly away, sweet bird of prey
Fly fly away
I won't stand in your way
Sweet bird, if you knew the words
I know that you'd say: fly, fly away

It makes sense that it should feel just this way
That you slowly fade and yet still remain
As if to say: Everything matter in such an invisible way
As if to say: It's O.K.
Fly...away

~POE

...where laughter lives: The Riggs Family: Serious.Life Magazine - Almost a Million

lindsaylala.blogspot.com

It's Saturday morning. L.O. is at her dad's (he literally lives less than a mile away), and our cowboy friend is here for coffee and conversation. We need to take this little party outside and clean and maintain the yard. I just don't have the energy that I used to and I have to drag my butt around. I'm hoping that is something that will change after a while.
It will be hot soon, and I find myself daydreaming of the beach and being off-shore. We heard this morning that K will be leaving next Thursday or Friday. He's going to the same town that has one of the most haunted plantations in America. I went there as a pre-teen, on a guided tour, and always believed that I wanted to stay the night there (it is now a bed and breakfast) but now that the opportunity is so plausible, and the fact that I went to see a Haunting in Connecticut on Thursday, I'm too scared I think. who knows, maybe I'll grow the nerve in a few weeks. Also, one of my favorite celebrities is working on this movie. I'm going to try to 'run' into him and at least say hello.
So, I'm talking to my mom now, and about to go outside. The sun is calling although I have no energy. Maybe it will come to me later.
much love.....

Hey Sam, how about these?

Red Snapper
Red Drum

Freedom and growing up...

I have always had an idea of freedom. It must be only an idea, as it changes as I get older....mostly. In a way, it all results in craving the same feeling. When I was younger, I hurt a lot of people trying to obtain that feeling. I craved anonymity. I wanted to run and find it. It was illusive, and I was trying to follow. In those days my search for 'freedom' often left me anxiety filled and empty otherwise. Eventually I landed in a girlshomeboardingschoolreligiousnuthouseworkfarm-ish thingie (did you get all that?) in another state for nine long months and eleven days. I am shaking right now just for typing those words, how crazy is that? We'll save that for a whole other post maybe..
Anyway, back to this freedom bit. when I was a child, it was a vague whisper. The want to be alone with animals and nature. I wanted my mother to take me to pick flowers. I was free picking blackberries with my grandmother, in the woods or in the lake with my dad.
nature was freedom
In my early teens, freedom meant being anywhere authority wasn't. I wasn't too impressed with what I'd seen in the adults around me. I wasn't wise in thinking I had it all figured out either. In my later teens after the girlshomeboardingschoolreligiousnuthouseworkfarm-thingie freedom was living on my own. I wasn't great at it, but I never went back home for more than a week or two, twice in almost ten years. I've gone through a lot at my own expense to prevent my having to hang my head and go back 'home'.
detachment was freedom
I have truly felt free at times in my life. When I para sailed in Gulf Shores.

When I go deep-sea fishing with my father

I felt so free when I caught the big fish, and knew my daddy was proud of me

I would run my hands through the spray from the boat and watch the rainbows. I still do it, and feel totally free.
So I suppose freedom is just an idea. It comes in spurts for me. These days my fantasies are of living near the beach. I think it about it at least once a day. I just feel so great there, so free.
My house and car will be paid of in five years...I wonder if I should move.
What if freedom doesn't find me here either?