Apr 2, 2009

Freedom and growing up...

I have always had an idea of freedom. It must be only an idea, as it changes as I get older....mostly. In a way, it all results in craving the same feeling. When I was younger, I hurt a lot of people trying to obtain that feeling. I craved anonymity. I wanted to run and find it. It was illusive, and I was trying to follow. In those days my search for 'freedom' often left me anxiety filled and empty otherwise. Eventually I landed in a girlshomeboardingschoolreligiousnuthouseworkfarm-ish thingie (did you get all that?) in another state for nine long months and eleven days. I am shaking right now just for typing those words, how crazy is that? We'll save that for a whole other post maybe..
Anyway, back to this freedom bit. when I was a child, it was a vague whisper. The want to be alone with animals and nature. I wanted my mother to take me to pick flowers. I was free picking blackberries with my grandmother, in the woods or in the lake with my dad.
nature was freedom
In my early teens, freedom meant being anywhere authority wasn't. I wasn't too impressed with what I'd seen in the adults around me. I wasn't wise in thinking I had it all figured out either. In my later teens after the girlshomeboardingschoolreligiousnuthouseworkfarm-thingie freedom was living on my own. I wasn't great at it, but I never went back home for more than a week or two, twice in almost ten years. I've gone through a lot at my own expense to prevent my having to hang my head and go back 'home'.
detachment was freedom
I have truly felt free at times in my life. When I para sailed in Gulf Shores.

When I go deep-sea fishing with my father

I felt so free when I caught the big fish, and knew my daddy was proud of me

I would run my hands through the spray from the boat and watch the rainbows. I still do it, and feel totally free.
So I suppose freedom is just an idea. It comes in spurts for me. These days my fantasies are of living near the beach. I think it about it at least once a day. I just feel so great there, so free.
My house and car will be paid of in five years...I wonder if I should move.
What if freedom doesn't find me here either?


Jennifer Ross said...

I agree with you. I think freedom is something deep within us. Keep finding the things that make you feel free, and do them often.


Penny said...

I saw your comment on the Riggs' blog. I'm not a pastor or church leader, just an average Christian for the past 34 yrs. (Wow! that sounds so long when you type it out.) and a children's Sunday School teacher. Anyway, you asked Riggs if he believes we go to Heaven at the time of death. I hope he answers you, but I felt led to share that I'm with you. Paul wrote that "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." Jesus told the thief on the cross "Today you will be with me in paradise." I gathered from just those two verses (and there are many others) that we go immediately. A couple of people in my church used to argue that we go when Christ returns. But I don't care either way. It really doesn't matter to me WHEN I get there-- as long as I get there. Anyway, I e-mailed you a while back. You didn't respond, but I hope you got it. I just wanted you to know how sorry I am that you lost Zoe-Beth and I don't believe God allowed that because you did anything wrong. Things happen. There wouldn't be any children in the world if every child of sinners died. We all have come short of His glory, we will not be perfect until we enter His presence. With love in Christ

Lindsay said...

Thank you so much. I did recieve your comment. I'll be better at responding...I promise...

Carly Marie said...

Sam wanted to tell you that he is impressed with the fish!