Apr 16, 2009

Good morning! (Or whatever time it is where you are:)
I have caught up on everybody's blog this morning. I cannot believe the beautiful video that some baby lost mom's made for Kai and his parents. It is just beautiful. It makes me happy to know that I sadly belong this beautiful group of women.
So many lost babies...it's hard to wrap your mind around. I feel so deeply for you all, but I'm at a lack of words for you sometimes. I struggle with feeling as though I haven't done enough to honor my Zoe-Beth. Have I told you she was beautiful? Have I said how much I wanted her? Have I told you how my heart broke that day, in a way I will never be able to explain? Or, what about how inadequate I feel as a parent to L.O. and how I feel that maybe, just maybe God doesn't love me, and I'm clinging to a Father that sees me as an annoyance, a fly. I feel His prescence and I KNOW he's there. Call me crazy (everyone else does) but I felt God's sadness when Zoe-Beth left this earth, sadness for her death, not for me.
Well, enough with the pity party. Ruth asked me how I was doing off the pain-killers so I thought I would do an update on that. I don't have near as much energy as I'm used to. I'm hoping that it will get better. I'm trying to eat a little better and smoke less (I see fine lines between my eyebrows EEK!) but I am still exhausted alot. I try to get outside everyday. I am taking it easy on being in public as I still feel a bit jittery. There is still temptation. My ex-roomate came and got the rest of her things. She pulls me aside and shows me a bttle of pain-killers and offered them to me. I even have so-called friends calling to have me identify their pill purchases.Great...I'm the local expert :( but I try, I give the phone to K, who is strong for me when I'm feeling weak. I don't think anyone I know (maybe K) believes that I will do this. I have to prove them wrong, in my own heart and mind at least. Thank you Ruth for asking. It's so nice to know you give a hoot :)xo
In other matters, L.O. spent the majority of Spring break with me. She'll be spending the rest with her dad, five hours away to visit her new nephew Levi.
Let me share this real quick...When my ex-mother in law called to tell me Levi was well and on his way home from the hospital, before I could say anything she adds,"To bad you weren't that lucky". OUCH LADY!! Gotta love the nerve of some people..
So I guess I'm off of 'mommy duty' for now, I should try to look presentable and go pay some bills and pick up some dinner for later.
I'll leave you with some new pictures of my Ottis 'puppy' lol

He knows he's a pretty puppy...
Can I get a biscuit around here?!

Let's go outside!

Isn't he a handsome lttle (big) man?
Well it's time to get moving and head in to town. I hope you all have a great day. I'm praying for Stellan and Kayleigh as they face medical trials this week.
Thanks to all who told my mom how pretty she is. She really is beautiful!
XOXO Linds-


Jennifer Ross said...

I would never doubt the love that you have for your daughter Zoe-Beth. I cannot believe what your ex-mother in law said!!! UNBELIEVABLE! I'm glad to hear that you have stayed strong, and have not taken any pills. Keep walking with the Lord, and HE WILL bless you.

Lea said...

Linds - good for you! So proud of you. And, yes, as Jennifer said, there is never any doubt that you love your Zoe-Beth. She is gorgeous and she is yours...

Hang in there.

Ruth said...

You can and you are doing this, so proud of you. Don't be so hard on yourself!! I can't even believe your exmotherinlaw's comment. . . hang in there. I need to start eating better, working out again and smoking less too. . .lol. I swear, we are sisters seperated at birth.