Apr 19, 2009

The uughs and trying to be happy...

Can I get an...UUGH!!
I have been on a mission to try and get to, and remain in a good mood for the last few days. It's so not happening.
I know that I should not let money troubles be a part of this. However, my cell phone is 'temporarily not accepting calls' i.e. is cut off at the moment. ANOTHER pipe busted under my house, while we're so broke. I KNOW that God takes care of us. He always has. I understand that I live in sin, and I'm sure God's blessings will pour down once we are living right(living married), but until then, He knows our hearts and our love, and our lack of financial ability to live apart (btw..we did live apart for many months but then there was an actors strike and he was out of work for a WHILE...How could I let the man that I love lose the roof over his head?) Not an excuse. All I'm saying is that we are sustained by God for our needs even though we are sinners. (Can you tell I'm a bit touchy?) Ah well, the situation we're in keeps us humble I suppose.
I've learned in my attempt to 'cheer up' that I am indeed quite shy. I feel spotlighted around other people and don't know quite how to respond 98% of the time. Now, I've always been a bit awkward, but nothing I couldn't easily hide. These days I radiate awkwardness and I suppose I blame it on the not taking pills. I hid my sadness and pain and lack of energy for so long with them, and now my 'new normal' has really just settling in and perhaps I am depressed? Is it possible to be depressed on an anti-depressant?
What will it take to keep a smile on my face? I had decided that it is a choice, but I've been choosing it and no real joy has occurred. I know I sound ungrateful, and this is not my cheeriest post ever. Sorry.
I'm such a stranger. I'm very abstract. I don't fit conventional 'groups' of people. I feel at home in the baby lost community, but that's about it...how sad.
I crave the ease in which I used to operate through life. Painting feels wonderful, but in the struggle to keep the house clean, it gets cleaned up and put aside, until I have more energy, which is not now. Am I bitter? Is that why cheer comes so hard? Am I a pessimist?

Don't you mess with a little girls dreams...or she's liable to grow up mean.~Poe (the singer not Edgar Allen..

I miss showing my work. NO matter how tiny the opening, it just feels good. I can dream for a real New York show and smile..and mean it. It's the moment I stop feeling inadequate in the world. It fades away quickly. I know I can show my work again. What I don't know is if I can finish another 12.
The first one that I showed you a pic of..is gone already. The self-portrait has had an offer and has not even been declared for sale. (not selling it to them mom, not yet..)
I am stuck on my third one, which really means that I don't have the energy.

It's time now. It's almost noon. I'm not dressed and this post has not yet come to any conclusions, just a ramble/rant. It's time to search more, go outside and look at the tiny bloom beginning on Zoe's rose tree. Let in some sunshine, and try to be content if not bubbly.
I leave you with a picture of the me a year before I lost Zoe. I miss that baby girl

I miss this girl too...

btw..the song I posted a few posts back "Fly away" just started to play on my online radio...hmmm
Love you Guys...


Carly Marie said...

I hear you girl with the whole money worries thing.

We will get by.

I know you miss the other girl you used to be.... I love the girl you are x

Jennifer Ross said...

Being cheerful is a choice, but a habit learned choice. It takes a long time to have it just come naturally. Since you have stopped taking those pills, you will probably continue in your life where you left off, before the pills. You have so much healing, not just the loss of your daughter, but the loss of what those pills filled your life with. Stay strong. I know that you can do it. Do it for your daughters. Just find ways that keep you strong. We are here for you. I'll continue to pray for you....

Ruth said...

Praying for you. I know that it is hard to be neither here nor there and to try to keep your head above water. . . but you are! You have so many different looks, too cute! I also love POE but I haven't listened to her in awhile, will have to dig her cd our again soon. I also love the pictures of you parasailing, you really know how to live life!!! It will get good again, I promise!