Mar 10, 2009

Black Waves

I have felt BAD lately. I half understand why, but it doesn't make it easier. I struggle with anxiety on and off, and it looks like right now, it's head on.
I can't pray when I feel like this. I feel frozen...deer in headlights...I can't breathe.
I've looked around (in blog-land that is) and it seems as if I am not the only one. Larns at Magic Rain, is anxiety filled, and The Bevin family is suffering. Ruth at A Place For my Thoughts to Ren, is having problems with meds. (I unfortunately understand that well myself)Right now I'm almost jealous of Zoe and the children of my babylost mommas. They are perfect, healed and happy. It almost sounds suiciadal and I promise that is not the case. I am just so tired. I am an emotional mess. I fell asleep with L.O. last night after I cried through all our prayers. Bless her she didn't seem to mind.
I woke up at five, SO ANXIOUS. The back of my neck is hot and I can feel it running through me in waves, ugly black waves of panic, for no reason whatsoever.
I can't even believe I'm writing now, but I suppose it's some attempt at feeling better. In fact, I'm retreating to the bath tub. I'm sorry I can't pray today, and whoever I let down because of that. I'm not myself...I'm sorry.


Ruth said...

i'm praying for you and i understand. keep your chin up, young person, i know it sucks but what else can we do? . . .

Larns said...

Hi Sweety,this anxiety is such a horrible feeling-and i know all about it. When i'm like this i just disconnect myself from the world...sometimes it does me some good and sometimes it isn't the best thing. Last night i went and had a bath with scented candles and relaxed for about 30mins...of course it doesnt make the anxiety disapear but it calms me down a little and just makes the next few hrs a little easier to cope with. I am thinking of you and i hope the next few days get a little bit better. Love Larns Xxx