Under the Tree

L.O. and her mommy...before...



Actually I am only visiting the tree quite late after everyone has gone. Honestly, I didn't want to do it, but it will be good for me and I love to share my Zoe. Since I'm up and no one else is awake yet, here goes...


How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?

I have been blogging since late 2008. I had been 'blog-stalking' and looking at bereavement sites for months. I had really been hiding in my home and choosing not to made a spectacle of. I felt (and still do) like I reminded all of my friends and family (Two of my closest cousins were pregnant at the time, and Zoe's death SCARED them) So, I finally stopped stalking and set up a blog for real. I was lonely and coveted the encouragements that I saw on others blogs.
The best I can hope for in writing this blog is a journal of sorts, a place to return and reflect (a very public journal I must say!). I also appreciate the acceptance I find in others. Those on this journey of healing, and those brave enough to watch someone else heal from a tragedy they can't imagine. I truly love a few of my 'blog friends' and would go to them in a second if I was able, so I'm investing in relationships here. This is my quiet place.

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?

As far as my REAL feelings, I can share them here. I wonder how long it will last, as a few of my friends are already having issues with bad intentioned blog-stalkers.
In real life, I have a friend who has not actually lost a child in the sense that I have, but she listens and encourages and seems to get it. I love her. I can also call my mom at any time, although at times, I hate to worry her with my feelings as they are usually fleeting.

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, has been a very good book for me. It helps me to define what is normal, which I've learned that nothing about losing a child so early, or at all, feels normal, and that's ok.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
I was a hippy chick with a sassy attitude. I was friendly and passionate. I went out and watched live bands, went to the movies and lived my life. I never thought, that I could/would possibly lose a child. L.O. was delivered the good old fashion way at 8lbs 11oz, and we went home within 48 hrs of her birth, and to this day, has rarely been sick. I was naive.
I didn't know what stress could do to a pregnancy. They blamed it all on stress.

I fight against the affects of it now. I avoid it instead of dealing with it. I have nightmares. I think of my last few seconds of consciousness and wonder if those screams of fear and begging for understanding on the operating table, were the last stresses that ended her brains ability to avoid all that damage. It hurts me terribly, that my body gave out on both of us.
Today, I am not as confident. I have a stronger faith in God, and I am much quieter than I have ever been my whole life. I worry more. I have more guilt. Now, I have to work through my feelings, and there is still a slow digestion of the events that occurred on Zoe's birthday


How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?

I think I am coping as best as I can. I am past the point, where people think you should be all better, and looking ahead.I am still hearing about how I need to move on. after all, I didn't really know her... So I grieve on my blog, in the bath, or at home alone.
I believe there is a light ahead. I stopped taking all the pills very recently (that's a whole other post maybe SOMEDAY) I picked the paintbrush up, and renewed my confidence in my talent, and I am painting for a show.
In a year, God-willing, I will be married to K and being a good wife to him, and I will be trying to bring probably my last child into the world (I have some scar tissue, and the older I get, the more lethal a pregnancy could be)
I hope to have a few art shows, and plan to send slides all over to achieve my first HUGE show, in a known gallery...