Please..kick me..

I've been around. I've been busy. I've been ok-ish. Christmas passed in a blur of last minute gifts and cooking and schedules. I wanted so bad to grasp a bit of Christmas 'spirit' but it was a struggle.
I've been in a mood. I want to paint landscapes in blacks and reds and pour all of this out onto a canvas, but I can't get my head where it needs to be to accomplish that. I crave my own company and listen to Radiohead instead.
I'm very behind on reading blogs and I've received some very kind e-mails and I just can't seem to bring myself to respond to them yet. (You know you are. Sorry I'm such a freak that I can't fake the funk and send you a heart-felt response, but it will come I promise).I pass on making myself take belly pics every Wednesday. I'm beginning to feel some animosity (I think) due to my lack of enthusiasm, but it may be all in my head, like the rest of it. I may be depressed, who knows.
I've always been driven by one passion or another and I thought it drove me crazy. I think I may feel more crazy when I try to conjure something to be passionate about and fall short, for that day at least.
When I feel like this I tend to put on some linen pants and a sarong and wash my face, and I feel more human. I've thought about it today, but my feet will just not get warm. I'll take socks and yoga pants today please. Think I could get my hands on a horse tranquilizer while I'm at it? (Sorry, my dark humor is oozing out)


..Such a pretty house and such a pretty garden.. no alarms and no surprises..please...

The reason:

I have a hard time going to visit my daughter's grave, is the fact that I imagine her tiny body rotting beneath the ground. I wish I would have had her creamated when she died, but I had no experience with dead babies at that point, and I did what I thought was best. I used to picture her like the photo on my sidebar, the way she looked when I had her little body placed there. Now? Well I won't go into the details but it kills me to think of what nature has done to her now.
I 'know' she isn't there but...

20 weeks

I've made it halfway, now let's see if I can make it the other half and hit the bonus; Healthy Baby.
I feel like I am too small to be at the end of my fifth month. I go to the doctor tomorrow, but I'm fairly certain he will not do much to ease my fears.
Shouldn't I be bigger than this in my third pregnancy?
Anyway, that's how it is now. Worry, and lots of it. Four and a half months feels like a second, or an eternity away.

See It's not so bad..

I'm sure you've all seen my sad posts and lack of posts and imagined me on the couch, arms crossed having very Grinchlike thoughts.
This is all mostly true. I even put the Grinch theme song on my cell, so now every time I get a call I listen to...Your a mean one..Mr.Grinch...
So, yeah, you get the drift. Christmas is coming and I haven't been feeling it.
This morning however, I shook off the scrooge dust and got to work.
I dusted, swept, vacuumed, mopped, ran laundry AND...made cookies!
I have an older neighbor who used to actually be my boss, whose wife went down south for Christmas with her family right around the time he came down with pneumonia.
So, yeah, while these are certainly not professional, they're bound to at least make him chuckle. They're glazed first, then decorated...sugar rush inevitable.

(I bought green and red swirl cookie icing. Bad idea. Green and red make brown)
I feel a bit lighter now having done something a bit festive, and now I'm having a burst of energy.
I believe I'll take advantage of it and look up a good recipe for Italian meatballs and get them baking. I can feel the bathtub calling and the energy spurt waning.
I better hurry.
Everyone that may be waiting on any sort of mail from me, please know it's coming. I have not forgotten The days have gotten away from me and the funds are in the red. I'm really sorry, really.
I'm off now..xo

25 days of Giveaways!

Today I am hosting Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways!

Today I am offering a 3in needle felted teddy bear!
He is hand needle felted by yours truly, using New Zealand Corriedale wool roving. He is cream and chocolate colored. I will be making a bear for the winner, so you can choose what colors you would like him to have.
Leave a comment on this post to enter to win this needle felted teddy bear!
I will put all the names into a hat and let Miss Ivy pick a winner.(This is just more fun for her than random.org) I will announce the winners tonight.

You guys have a Happy Holiday! Thank you for stopping by!

The winner is Zachary's mom! (Sorry, I'm terrible at posting links) Congrats! I will send you an e-mail shortly to find out what color you would like..

Much better...

Things have obviously not been going so great in my household. I was feeling very alone and depressed. Kenny and I talked very seriously yesterday and I think it did some good finally. The rest of yesterday was spent with me resting and Kenny taking care of Ivy. Today has been quiet, which is a good thing.
I don't know exactly what's going on, but the 'morning sickness' seems to have returned and I'm unable to keep much from coming back up. I had hyperemesis gravidorum with Ivy and I really hope that's not what's going on. I do not wish to be sick for five more months and the medicine really keeps you knocked out.
It's very hard to believe that I'm over the halfway mark with this new little one.(I'll be going for my scheduled cesarean on 4-21 or 4-28 next year) I don't look or feel very big and my doctor only does two scans, one at four months and one at six months. I worry that the baby isn't as big as it should be or that I don't have enough fluid around the baby. My other doctor would do an ultrasound any time I was worried about the baby, to put my anxious mind at ease. It makes no sense to me that I'm now going to a high-risk ob and he doesn't believe in multiple scans. I really don't want to wait until the middle of January to know that my baby is just fine. I hate feeling helpless.
Anyway, I wanted to post a little update to let everyone know that my situation is improving and I'm feeling quite relieved. Nauseous, but relieved, however that works.
I'll be hosting Tina's giveaway tomorrow, so be sure to check back and see what I'm giving away. I'm also planning a post with a belly pic, as I should be better at taking them since this will be my last pregnancy and I will appreciate it later on.
See you guys tomorrow...

Found another one..

One of my good friends took this at Zoe's funeral. He was sadly, one of the ones who turned his back on me due to 'the bully'. Anyway, the preacher was reading a letter that I had written to Zoe the night before.


Dearest Zoe,
As I am writing this, I'm unsure as to how I could possibly put on paper what you mean to me. In your short time on this earth, you taught some people how to love, to forgive and to put away the past. So many forgot their anger and their grudges for a moment, to pray for you and show me support.
You were given the chance to show your strength and your beautiful fighting spirit.
At times I wish we could have gone together, to the place you now call home. I am comforted to know that you are with our fellow friends and family who have gone ahead of us. I suppose God had more planned for me. I'm sorry your mommy can't be with you anymore. You'll always be my baby girl. I'll always hold you in my heart though I am so very sad that I will never hold you in my arms again.
I am so grateful to have changed your little diapers. I am blessed to have been the one to hold and comfort you as you so peacefully took your leave.
This world never deserved to have you in it. I will happily leave here one day to see your beautiful face once more.
I will miss you terribly. I will always feel your absence.
I love you my little Zoe-Beth. I know I will hold you again someday.
Your Mommy



I miss her. I never feel her. Angie's post this morning reflected the way I feel about Zoe in many ways. I don't feel her on the wind, or in my dreams. How did I already know that I would only feel her loss? It doesn't feel like she is all around me. It feels like she is dead.

What is all that white stuff??

It's SNOW!! Those of you who don't live here have no idea how awesome this is. Every now and again we get ice storms and the snow is mixed with freezing rain and the power goes out and no one wants to be outside to watch. This though, is white fluffy specks falling softly all around. It is otherwise clear and cold.
Forgive me if I sound ridiculous, but man, it's georgeous. I really needed this today. You guys who get snow every year probably don't get it, but it never snows here really, till today. :) I'm so excited, I feel like a little kid and that too is rare around here.

Looking backward for a moment..

This was taken at a family reunion, the end of October. Zoe had been buried less than two weeks. Why I decided to go to this particular event, so soon after losing her, I can only guess that I felt obligated to be there with Ivy.
We go to a lake, in the middle of the woods (note cypress moss hanging from the trees) and stare at a fire and eat and if there's enough water in the lake, fish. There are quite a few very redneck activities that civilized people like my family only do in the woods, away from the city like snipe hunts, trailer rides to spotlight possums and sending the little kids out there to catch them, which they never do, stuff like that.
Everyone knew my daughter had just died. There was a family tree, on the back wall of the large meeting space where we all eat. I ran my finger along it, followed my grandparents and found my father and then me and my sister. (I'll bet you didn't know I had a sister) Branching off from our names were my nephew's name and Ivy's. Where was Zoe's? I searched around and found a marker and a piece of paper, and I wrote her name and I put it there and no one said a word. It's still there now, when they put it up every year. She was part of our family. She was one of my children. Did they think I wouldn't notice?!
Since I was a little child, this reunion lasted for nearly three days. We stay in tents or cabins by the woods and cook everything there. That year, I stayed for part of one day and happily went home.
I don't feel close to my family anymore. They were always mostly emotionally unavailable, except for the emotion that they displayed while they were gossiping about you in a boat or at the sink or in a deer stand. These days, I feel very alone at family functions and they seem to lack the small bits of warmth that I remember from my childhood. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I truly think when my grandmother dies, we will all drift inward to our immediate family and be forced to create new traditions. It's very sad that life does this to families. It proves that bitterness is the ice that freezes in the rock.

To do, or not to do?

What do you do when someone will not compromise? When they refuse to even have a civil discussion? When they seep with bitterness and anger and you cannot fathom why?
How do you remove yourself from the line of fire, without removing yourself from the entire range?
I have nothing but questions in my mind, and sadness. I should not be focused on all of this as there is a itty-bitty one that needs me to remember to eat, to drink enough water, TO REST! There is a not-so-itty-bitty one that should not be worrying about her mother.
I have no idea where this post is going. I hate to publish this drivel, but I need some feedback. I have no experience with what seems like someone else having extreme bitterness. I try very hard not to think about this situation constantly, but can I just say, for the record, I don't want to give both of my children to someone else, every other weekend. I want a family. I used to feel like I had a family. I don't know why it feels like it is slowly falling apart.