Dec 6, 2009

Found another one..

One of my good friends took this at Zoe's funeral. He was sadly, one of the ones who turned his back on me due to 'the bully'. Anyway, the preacher was reading a letter that I had written to Zoe the night before.

Dearest Zoe,
As I am writing this, I'm unsure as to how I could possibly put on paper what you mean to me. In your short time on this earth, you taught some people how to love, to forgive and to put away the past. So many forgot their anger and their grudges for a moment, to pray for you and show me support.
You were given the chance to show your strength and your beautiful fighting spirit.
At times I wish we could have gone together, to the place you now call home. I am comforted to know that you are with our fellow friends and family who have gone ahead of us. I suppose God had more planned for me. I'm sorry your mommy can't be with you anymore. You'll always be my baby girl. I'll always hold you in my heart though I am so very sad that I will never hold you in my arms again.
I am so grateful to have changed your little diapers. I am blessed to have been the one to hold and comfort you as you so peacefully took your leave.
This world never deserved to have you in it. I will happily leave here one day to see your beautiful face once more.
I will miss you terribly. I will always feel your absence.
I love you my little Zoe-Beth. I know I will hold you again someday.
Your Mommy

I miss her. I never feel her. Angie's post this morning reflected the way I feel about Zoe in many ways. I don't feel her on the wind, or in my dreams. How did I already know that I would only feel her loss? It doesn't feel like she is all around me. It feels like she is dead.


margaret said...

Oh Lindsay, I'm weeping for you. I wish with all my heart that Zoe was here with you excitedly awaiting the birth of her new brother or sister. I'm hoping you find peace in your spirit this holiday season. Perhaps as the new life inside you continues to grow and thrive, that connection to Zoe will come back. Perhaps as you look into the eyes of your newborn child you will see your sweet girl looking back at you and know that she is there. Sending you love.

Jill said...

Beautiful letter to precious Zoe. xo

Lea said...

Oh Lindsay... writing through tears. What a heartfelt and raw letter to your Angel. I'm sorry you don't feel the 'connection', although I am positive it is there... I look soooo hard for signs and sometimes it's when you aren't looking that they appear and you feel your baby's warmth around you....

Love to you, xo

Catherine W said...

Oh Lindsay. The expression on your face in that photograph just breaks my heart.

The letter that you wrote to Zoe is beautiful.

I don't know. I don't feel my daughter's presence. Sometimes all I feel is an ache where my G should be. But, as your letter said, they will always be our baby girls. xo