Dec 20, 2009

The reason:

I have a hard time going to visit my daughter's grave, is the fact that I imagine her tiny body rotting beneath the ground. I wish I would have had her creamated when she died, but I had no experience with dead babies at that point, and I did what I thought was best. I used to picture her like the photo on my sidebar, the way she looked when I had her little body placed there. Now? Well I won't go into the details but it kills me to think of what nature has done to her now.
I 'know' she isn't there but...

10 comments:

margaret said...

Oh God Lindsay, nothing we could have done would have been easy either way. I couldn't bear the thought of Calvin's body being burned so we chose to bury. I can't think of what happens after that, it's too painful. I completely understand how hard it is for you. I have had a hard time going to Calvin's grave too. When I do go, I just hang onto a happy memory, him snuggled sleeping in my arms and the picture of his beautiful face. Hugging you sweet mama...

Catherine W said...

Ach Lindsay. I sometimes think that there is no 'easy' way, no 'right' way.

I had G cremated but I often regret that decision. When I imagine the physical process I find it unbearable. My immediate instinct after her death was to have her buried as that seemed more 'peaceful' to me but we couldn't find a plot close enough to our house to satisfy me.

We all make the best decisions that we can at the time. A time that is shocking and terrifying and that we could never really have anticipated or planned for. You did what you thought was best for your little Zoe.

With much love xo

Nickel Pickle said...

I know what you mean...I used to have some pretty morbid thoughts after I buried my son..

Hope's Mama said...

I have the same horrid thoughts, Lindsey. But then like Margaret, I couldn't burn her either. I don't think either option is nice. We shouldn't have to pick either.
xo

Jill said...

I think we all make the best decisions we can at the time. There are many things I wish I could go back and change, but they were the best decisions I could make at the time in the state I was in. Having to decide whether to bury or cremate your baby is just something no one should ever have to do. xx

Lindsay said...

It's so very nice to not feel alone in this..xo

Bree said...

A burial or a cremation, both are so very wrong when your precious child is involved. I have these type of thoughts too. Mostly in the quiet of the night. I'm so sorry, Lindsay.

myskytimes said...

I totally understand... As soon as we made the decision to have Sky cremated, we changed our mind. 10 minutes later we changed it back again. I guess it all feels wrong when you have to bury your child.

Sending my love! xx

Jayme said...

Ugh yes. We had Raime and Elora buried, but Connor cremated. I hate that he's not with his sisters, but I also wish I'd had them cremated so I wouldn't be 12 hours from their graves.

Jennifer Ross said...

I'm glad somebody had the courage to write about this, because I think about this ALL THE TIME! When I'm outside I think about how cold it is and that Isaiah is in a cold frozen hole. This is part of the grief and I think that "people" shouldn't just pretend that it never crosses their mind. It makes me sick to think about my little boy alone in a hole, that I can't protect. Thank you for mentioning this Lindsay.