Jan 4, 2010


I have a tendency to allow the term 'artist' to define my feelings about myself. I get very moody when I'm not working.Every year that goes by that I don't show my art at all, feels like a void, a waste.
I read the memoirs and biographies of other artists and poets in history and nod my head as I read about their behavioral patterns. Hopefully I'm not destined to the fates of many of my favorites.
I've been diagnosed with manic-depression and I take a small amount of medicine for it. I've gone the no med route and, call me weak, but I can't for long.
I've been re-reading one of my old books about manic depressive illness in relation to the artistic temperament. Much of it reads like my life.
I get low and I can't be deeply productive. I can needle felt, and create with my hands, but I feel hollow and I sit near a half started canvas with one of my best ideas in a while and wonder why I can't just pick it up and finish.(I've tried that before, being in a state of mind similar to the one I'm in now and really ruined it)

The feeling HAS to be there. It's like a channel that opens.
It's more than a matter of motivation. Things have to click into place for me to sit, and bare my soul through a brush.
The last very real, raw painting that I did is also the last one I have worked on. I studied the colors and lines in my face and tried to capture my essence truthfully. I know I did well. I was in that 'place'.
I haven't put my mind to task and it leaves me feeling worthless.
I haven't posted to my blog because I have been feeling awkward and nutty, and I couldn't bring myself to post nonsense about my day to day life.
I chose instead to post the truth.
I haven't been painting, or doing anything to put my work out there, and I feel empty. I'm not living up to my potential and I'm a bit lost right now.

And some thing's odd...within..
That person that I was...
And this one...do not feel the same..
Could it be Madness...this?
-Emily Dickinson-


margaret said...

Linds, I'm not sure if there is an association between creativity and bipolar disease but I would bet there is. It seems as if several of the most brilliant poets, authors, artists and performers have had some level of darkness to them. I would hope that if things get too dark, that you would contact your doctor. How frustrating it would be to not be able to paint, or do the things you love. Take care dear heart...Love you

Karen said...

There is something about artistic temperment and being more prone to highs and lows I think, too. I'm glad you've been so honest with us all and I hope your creativity, inspiration, and feeling less low return soon. But I totally get that you can't push it or make that happen. Love to you till that time. What are you felting? I've been knitting since George died. I have to have busy work or I get too anxious. But like you, my more artistic endeavors are stagnating. xo

Lindsay said...

I'm felting birds right now..lots of birds.

Catherine W said...

Oh Lindsay. I can only imagine. Although I don't have it myself, bipolar runs in my family and it does seem to be the more artistic and creative members of my family that struggle with it.
I know that I can't really understand but you are in my thoughts and in my heart. I hope that channel opens for you again soon. xo

Catherine W said...

Back to say that perhaps 'struggle' isn't quite the word I was looking for?

Lindsay said...

No, Catherine, you had it right the first time. It is certainly a struggle..