Random fact #3

I hate gender stereotypes.
I can make a lovely dinner and keep house, but I can also change my oil or a tire. I used to work with a construction company doing roof repair and I loved it.
I go fishing off of the coast with my dad and his 'guy' friends, and I've out-fished (is that a word?) all of them at some point.
If someone believes that a girl can't do a certain thing, I'm the first girl who'll try to.

Not guilty...

So I went to court and sat. And sat and sat and sat and sat. My neck hurt, I sat. I left for a few minutes and fed the meter. It was VERY hot. In the hundreds this week
Long story short, I was so nervous and I was there for hours, but right before lunch, they called my name and I walked forward. I explained how I could/would not have possibly littered. To my great surprise they dismissed it. (Yay!)
I'm thrilled that I don't have to pay a fine for something I didn't do but what a colossal waste of every one's time.

Have you ever been obligated to sit through something you felt was an utter waste of time?

Guilty until proven innocent...

This has become a busy week. Most of the chaos has been for a good variety of typical family events, but today my dear friends, that is NOT the case.
I have court today. I have been dreading this for a month, and it infuriates me that I have to get a babysitter, use my gas, and sit in a courthouse or they come to arrest me.
"Oh, Lindsay! What have you done?"....Well, nothing actually.
Let me go back if I may:

Last month, I came home and found a note on my door instructing me to call a certain law inforcement official. I could not imagine why the police had been at my house, and I was suddenly afraid that perhaps something happened to someone in my family and became a bit frantic and called.
The man that answered explained that nothing was wrong really, but that he had to come to my house to serve me with a supeona to court. He refused to tell me why on the phone.
So, I'm sitting in my home, waiting for the police to serve me papers to come to court. I was a bit anxious, and could not imagine anything I had done that was illegal.
Anyway, the charge was 'Dumping in city limits'. Whoa...HUH?
Let me assure you that I would NEVER dump my trash in the street. The two days that this event supposedly transpired, I was riding horses (remember that post?) and the other one, I was at a birthday party with L.O. in MY car.
We load our trashbags into K's truck and drive them (through the country) less than a mile away to a dump...period.
The police person said that a bill of mine was found in a bag of trash dumped on the side of the road in the city. I assured him that we should instead be looking into who's getting a hold of my mail, but he insisted that I had to have dumped it.
Sorry, I just did not. I know where my trash goes and the only answer I have is perhaps when they hauled of the dump bins into the city dump, they dropped a bag?
I dunno, I can't imagine any other scenario. Nonetheless, I am not dressed, I have to leave my house in thirty minutes to plead not guilty and mention that I have NO record of breaking the law and would they please listen to me and not force me to choose between giving them $200 of my hard earned money or going to jail for something I just did not do. This is so unfair. I will be gone for hours.
Times up, I have to get dressed. Wish me luck, or something.
Have you ever felt you we being persecuted?
Have you ever had to do the time, but committed no crime?

My house is dirty and I have NO energy. I think I'm writing this as a little pep talk to myself. Get up, go clean, do not stop until you are done.
Ok, time to drag the speakers into the living room and put on some music....
I'm going...

No words for us...

I read 'My Sister's Keeper' a few days back. It has a very unexpected ending to say the least, but there was something in those final pages that rang a bell inside of me. I'm not sure why, but I explained it to LO. Our conversation went like this:
Me: You know that in the English language there is a word for children who have lost their parents...
LO: "Orphans?"
Me:"Yes, orphans." "There is also a word for people who have lost their husband or wife.."
LO: "What's that word momma?"
Me: "Widow or widower."
Me: "There is no word for people who have lost their children."
LO: "Is there a word for people who have lost their brother or sister?"
Me: "Nope."
Lo: "But why not?"
Me: "I believe, that there are no words for us, because no one would want to say them."
"They would be the saddest words you could ever say..."

Once upon a time...

I was carrying a sweet baby girl.
It was not an easy time, but I had hope that it would all work out.
This was about a month and a half before I truly lost my innocence, and not in a physical way. I was on the verge of a lesson in agony and pure love.

I forgot I owned these photo's. They are a blessing to me.
I wanted to share them with you.


I carried a tiny baby girl once...and I miss her so.

Mom and Me Trip '09

So, we headed out for a weekend away...

Peace out!

This will be our house for the next two days. Isn't it adorable?

Cute little Georgia style porch...



We fell in love with the bathtub, so of course we had to take silly pictures in it!


Mom strikes a pose! (She's actually sitting on a toilet..hehe)

We went for lunch at an awesome little cafe, with dollars all over the walls.



It's tradition for us, to take photos of each other eating, drinking...

and being WAYYY silly... ;)

The pies looked amazing, too bad I was too stuffed to try any.

This guys boss, must never eat here...

This is supposed to resemble Elvis and was VERY eerie...*chills*

So of course mom thinks we should get a photo...


We came back to the room and mom got all cozy in the antique bed...

..and stayed there until the next morning...when I brought her coffee.

I headed to the porch, and this was my view. I would love to have this view EVERY morning...

We hit the shops and came across these artifacts from Africa. They looked very strange.

These guys look quite un-happy...

Taking a break.

Dress up time! I'm glad the owners didn't mind much...

Georgeous dahling!

Doesn't she look fabulous?!

Watch out!

Mom channels Elton John.

So, here it is, the Mom and me trip. I hope you guys enjoyed getting a glimpse into my life!

Later on...

How did I get blessed with such amazing friends?!
From what you guys say, I should suck it up, or head up north! I'm pretty sure my Louisiana accent would get a bit of attention as it did when I was in Washington State! Thank you guys for your sweet comments. I really needed to let all of that out!
So, the doctor called, and personally talked with me. I thanked her for listening, and she prescribed me a low dose narcotic until my neurosurgeon app. on the 7th of July. I feel a little more hopeful. I am not afraid of the next appointment.

Anyway, I made a maple bacon and cheddar breakfast quiche with hashbrowns (we love breskfast for dinner around here) and it's almost done. Then if L.O.'s room is finished being picked up, we will watch the Velveteen Rabbit together. My mom bought her a plush velveteen rabbit to go with the movie, so that will (hopefully) be a sweet suprise for her after dinner.
Here's a spoiler from my post tommorrow from my trip with my mom.
Enjoy...
We hung out on the floor a bit ;)

A Rant, a long time coming

I am no stranger to doctors. I am no stranger to the look they give my tattooed body while I am at their mercy. I am however sick of it, especially now.
For about three years (the same amount of time I've spent on and off addicted to pain medicine) I've been to a plethora of doctors for my neck/shoulder pain.
They've told me I was depressed and added to my anti-depressant. This year alone, they have prescribed Cymbalta, Lyrica, Neurontin and Ibuprofen in ridiculous amounts. I have tried them all and ugh..they make me feel horrible and do not help with the searing/burning/electric pain that shoots from my neck into my shoulder.
My last appt. (last week) the Dr. finally gave in and ordered an M.R.I.
I got the results and it appears that I've had a bulging disk in my neck for a long while, and now it's complete with some sort of tear in the tissue.
I went from no one believing this pain was real, to "You'll need surgery, to repair the tear at least." I was relieved. To have surgery?! No, to be believed. To not be made a joke of. I cannot believe it came to this for someone to believe I was truly in pain, not truly in search of medication. I can't help but wonder if the treatment would be much less invasive, had they listened in the first place.
I live in a place, that regardless of how you carry yourself, how polite and respectful you are or the good you may do for others is shadowed by having many tattoos. I have a Celtic knot on my left wrist and a baby turtle (for Zoe) above that. I have two orchids on each side of my upper chest. One for my sweet aunt that died, and the other for one of the sweetest men I ever knew Ron Capone (you can google him, he won the fifth Grammy ever given to a producer. He produced the Shaft theme song, and Dock of the Bay with Otis Redding,You can hear his voice at the beginning of the song on youtube. He used to be a great friend to me) I have giant fairy wings on my upper back, to symbolise the urge I've always had, to fly away from all this. I also have a large unicorn on my side, from my love of the movie, 'The Last Unicorn', as I have related to that movie for many years.
I suppose my point is, I have NO negativity etched into my skin, no evil or ugly beings anywhere on my body. It's flowers and baby animals and butterflies and sun, moons and stars. Things that are beautiful to me. To others it is a lifetime of 'marking' myself and self mutilation. They are entitled to their opinion, but not entitled to deny me true medical help, due to their opinion, of how I look.
I know this is not the case a bit further north, west even. Even in Dallas and Houston TX, I fit right in, no one gawking at 'the tattooed woman', maybe a lot of questions, but not rude ones.
My mother used to believe that others were only curious, and saw me as she did, and perhaps I was a little too sensitive about it. When we went to Jefferson, the way I was looked at and stared at made her angry, and she threatened to ask the next person who sat, arms-crossed gawking, if they wanted an autograph. She finally understood what I go through every day, when I leave my little bubble.
I usually take it in stride. I ask God to bless those that choose to judge others so harshly, based solely upon the way they look.
Since my bulging disk diagnosis, I have been depressed. I have rolled over in my head my begging of the doctors to take my pain seriously, and looks they give me, and seeming relief at me leaving their office.
Let me tell you some of the physical aspects of this. I have days, where I must lay flat on the floor for hours at a time, to quiet the burning spasms radiating around my neck and shoulder. I have lifted groceries only to have a white searing pain go down my spine and cause me to drop them. I've been accused of being lazy when I couldn't get all the housework done. I was depressed then and I could not explain to the people around me, that there was something wrong, that wasn't going to just go away. They knew I had seen doctors about this, but there feelings on it coincided with the Dr's. If they thought it was all in my head, most of the people around me did too. I became dependant on pain pills, because it was the easiest way, to not hurt, and get things done, pick up L.O. and have people have faith in me again. It became my secret at times. It has really affected my life.
All this, and the death of my precious girl in the middle of it all, seemed more than I was capable of. I beat myself up about, but took, the pills, did my motherly, girlfriendly, housekeeperly duty. That was fine, for everyone but me.
So, now it's been brought to light. I have appointments and lab work and probably surgery. It was never just in my head, and I want to scream,"I told you, why couldn't you have only listened?!.
So, no deep sea fishing for me this year. Maybe no beach either. I may miss out on all the things that take me away from my area of the world where I can be me, and at peace. Wedding plans for K and I? On hold.
Basically, when I got my tattoos, I believed that by the time I was older, the stigma attached to them would disappear. It did not, and I'm so angry that I have to be discriminated against.
I've never committed a crime/stole from anyone/not taken care of my child/ren/ never been a drug addict, and yet, I may as well have, all because of the color of my skin. While I'm fully aware, that I was not born with my tattoos, but I can't change them now. They are completely legal, yet you're treated like a criminal around here.
My surgeon called just now. I have an appointment on the 7th of July. When I asked the nurse about pain management until my appointment, she said my family doctor would arrange it. I called them and asked about it. They haven't called back. when she does I feel like her response will sting.
Alright, I've ranted long enough. I really wanted to ask a question from some of you guys, my friends. How are the heavily tattooed people looked at/treated in the area you live in? I would love to know that there is hope for fitting in somewhere on this earth.

If I had always done, what a little girl is told,
Life may look quite different now.
I ran my hands under the cold tap,
To feel something, anything else.
Simple things, can save you in a pinch,
but leave you to dry out.
If you don't have a cure, don't call
I can't take it lightly anymore.
The music soothes yet triggers.
I allow myself to be swayed,
by sounds and noise,
and ponder the differences.
I feel old and dry,
and out of pills.

Random fact #2

In real life (and on-line) I am awkward and scatterbrained. Some people around me think it's cute, other ones, not so much.
It's not an act, I have ten thoughts at a time. Reality gets a little hazy, while sorting through it all.

La La Art

If you haven't already, PLEASE go and check out my new art site. I posted a link in the top-left corner.
I am proud to be selling my art again, and would value your comments and opinions of my work.
So, go on, you know you want to go have a look..;)
Thanks to all of you who have left sweet, uplifting comments so far. They mean so much to me, and give me the boost I too often need.

Lindsay

p.s. I've decided to start doing little contests or drawings on the art site (haven't decided which yet) for free prints, but you have to add yourself as a follower! :)

Forsight

First of all, this particular post is not an endorsement for the painting. I just wanted to tell you a little about it.
It was painted almost exactly three years before I lost Zoe-Beth. However, now it holds some symbolism to me.
I paint from my imagination, rarely relying on outside influences for my work. That is why I can't paint when I'm feeling low. The ideas are there, the energy is not.
Anyway, back to this painting. Look at it closely and you'll see the bleeding roots of a plucked flower. The look on a face that has mostly only eyes to use for expression, look how sad the rooted flower looks cradling the very weak/fading one.
I know that face. I see it in the mirror all the time, and I'm sure many of you do as well. I've decided I will keep one of the Le. prints for myself, but I've decided I will sell the original, a cleansing act, so to speak. a release of sorts.

I love you guys. Lindsay
Lindsay

Art site is up!

La La Art


Thank you Margaret!;) So, go check it out, become a follower, leave me sweet comments, whatever you desire!
Seriously, it took all day..go look..
Love you guys...Lindsay

My last words on the 'April Rose' blog.

MANY details have surfaced in regards to this blog being a scam. Advertisers have pulled their ads and issued statements on their blogs. Many people sent them money.

I am only posting this for those who are unaware. I prayed for this family and cried for them and I know MANY of you have to. In Blogher ads alone, she's probably made over $18,000.
I just wanted you to have the oppourtunity to think for yourselves.
I doubt we'll hear any more from B (Beccah) about little April, if she ever existed.
You can google it and find out enough to make you sad.
I had to explain this to L.O. this morning and that was hard to do. She was worried for that baby, and kept asking me if she was still alive. I'm so mad,
and so done with it. I hate to think that we have to look out for this sort of thing. I will continue to pray and let God sort it all out.

Sadness and longing in La La Land...

Don't worry guys, I'm still going to post my mini-vacation story early this week. I was going to do it today, but I find myself in a funk this morning.
I want another baby. I'm afraid that the keloid scarring I have, will prevent me from having another child, without medical assistance, which we can't afford.
K and I are getting married in August/September, but I'll be honest here...we haven't done anything to prevent conception in seven months. No oops at all, just a barren womb.
Please do not send me comments about how wrong that is. I understand that co-habitating is not what God wants for us, but we are trying to make that right. I was informed by my O.B. that babies after 30 are a bad idea for me. My biological clock is pounding loudly in my head, as I am soon to be twenty-eight.
I hate to think that L.O.'s only sibling is in Heaven, and I may never give her another one. Things were not supposed to be like this and it hurts me deeply. I hurt a lot more than I let on. I may say,'I just don't feel so great today K, is it okay if I don't________?'(insert some daily activity here) and I wait till everyone is gone and I just sit. I think, I cry. I think of how unfair it is. I pity myself, and it's embarrassing and sad.
I read today that Carly was pregnant and I was surprised at my reaction. (embarrassed really) K and I talked about it, and we decided that I was truly happy for Carly. I love her and she deserves it. I am just sad for me. I had it in my mind, that when Carly was able to be pregnant, I wouldn't be far from it as well. I don't know why I felt that way, but it hurt me that I've been struggling with no end in sight.
I want to enjoy my life. I want to be a blessing to those around me. How can I be a blessing, when all I do lately is feel sad for my empty womb and sibling-less daughter that misses her sister. I feel we are marked by this sadness.
I know that I am traumatized by her birth and death. I still hide the sadness with pills sometimes and that makes me feel guilty. They give me the energy to take care of this house, L.o. and K and myself.
I don't know the point of this post. There is no deeper meaning here. I am just still a sad, struggling, babylost momma searching for her peace of mind.
I have it together sometimes, and other times I must reinforce the damn, that keeps the tears from perpetually falling.
This was not supposed to be my life, but I don't believe I am owed anything from God. We survive how we can, and who can say what's wrong or right, when you're hanging on for your life?

Random fact #1

I was once mooned on the interstate, at a wreck, by Henry Rollins (Black Flag, Rollins band?...google it). Then he got out and talked to me. It was crazy and unexpected.

More random facts coming soon...

I was nominated!

My dear friend Margaret @ margaretsundone.blogspot.com, nominated me for this award!



I'm to tell you about seven things I love and nominate seven other blogger friends of mine, Well, here goes! (not necessarily in order)

1.)K. He is my strong shoulder to lean on. We've dated once before and grew up in the same neighborhood. Our parents were friends in high school. He knows me better than probably anyone except for my mother. He knows all about the many seasons in my crazy life thus far and loves me anyway. He tells me I'm beautiful every day, whether I feel like I am or not. I would have never believed when I was younger that I would one day marry him. I hope that day comes soon. Today is actually an important anniversary for us!

2.) My daughters.
L.O. is my beautiful first-born. She is kind and sassy (a little too sassy at the moment;) but she brightens my life and I'm proud to be her mommy. She reminds me so much of myself when I was young. She's quite the little artist as well as an honor student.
My Zoe taught me so much about love and life in my short time with her. I miss her terribly. I will never forget how perfect she was and how she was such a fighter. I will be missing a part of me for the rest of my life.

3.) I'll have to agree with Margaret here as I love bodies of water as well. I want to live on the beach one day and feel at peace in the waves. I actually believe I wouldn't need Zoloft if I lived near the ocean.

4.) I am a sucker for baby animals. I've devoted many hours caring for sick birds, bunnies, kittens, really anything helpless and needy.

5.) Sweets. Suckers, cake, chocolate, muffins, waffles you name it. I love candy and baking things. I can be totally stuffed and still manage to eat dessert!

6.)I love to paint (as you well know!) and can spend hours in La La Land (my mind that is) with a brush in my hand. It's usually quite hard to let go of 'my brain babies'.

7.) I love all of you! My blog readers have turned into a wonderful supportive group of people that I thank God for. I laugh with you during your joyful times and cry with you and pray through the storms.
I don't know where I would be in my grief if it wasn't for some of you. So, thank you so much for your comments, your encouragement and prayers and mostly your love.

So, that's my seven things. Now it's time for me to nominate seven of you. And the winners are (drum roll please):

Lea @ nicholastouch.blogspot.com

Natalie @ snarky-belle.blogspot.com

Angie @ stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com

Mel @ bmcconner.blogspot.com

Carly @ scarletriver26.blogspot.com

Holli @ lifewithoutbrenna.blogspot.com

Larns @ rainessence.blogspot.com

I'm not so great at posting links, so I hope they came out right.
My mom and I had a great time this weekend. That post is coming tomorrow, so check back. Thanks Margaret, that was actually a lot of fun, and I'm glad you nominated me!
XOXO Lindsay