Jun 7, 2009

Sadness and longing in La La Land...

Don't worry guys, I'm still going to post my mini-vacation story early this week. I was going to do it today, but I find myself in a funk this morning.
I want another baby. I'm afraid that the keloid scarring I have, will prevent me from having another child, without medical assistance, which we can't afford.
K and I are getting married in August/September, but I'll be honest here...we haven't done anything to prevent conception in seven months. No oops at all, just a barren womb.
Please do not send me comments about how wrong that is. I understand that co-habitating is not what God wants for us, but we are trying to make that right. I was informed by my O.B. that babies after 30 are a bad idea for me. My biological clock is pounding loudly in my head, as I am soon to be twenty-eight.
I hate to think that L.O.'s only sibling is in Heaven, and I may never give her another one. Things were not supposed to be like this and it hurts me deeply. I hurt a lot more than I let on. I may say,'I just don't feel so great today K, is it okay if I don't________?'(insert some daily activity here) and I wait till everyone is gone and I just sit. I think, I cry. I think of how unfair it is. I pity myself, and it's embarrassing and sad.
I read today that Carly was pregnant and I was surprised at my reaction. (embarrassed really) K and I talked about it, and we decided that I was truly happy for Carly. I love her and she deserves it. I am just sad for me. I had it in my mind, that when Carly was able to be pregnant, I wouldn't be far from it as well. I don't know why I felt that way, but it hurt me that I've been struggling with no end in sight.
I want to enjoy my life. I want to be a blessing to those around me. How can I be a blessing, when all I do lately is feel sad for my empty womb and sibling-less daughter that misses her sister. I feel we are marked by this sadness.
I know that I am traumatized by her birth and death. I still hide the sadness with pills sometimes and that makes me feel guilty. They give me the energy to take care of this house, L.o. and K and myself.
I don't know the point of this post. There is no deeper meaning here. I am just still a sad, struggling, babylost momma searching for her peace of mind.
I have it together sometimes, and other times I must reinforce the damn, that keeps the tears from perpetually falling.
This was not supposed to be my life, but I don't believe I am owed anything from God. We survive how we can, and who can say what's wrong or right, when you're hanging on for your life?


Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you. I'm hoping you have some gentler moments coming for you. Much love, my friend.

Lea said...

Lindsay - I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Hoping things turn around for you soon..

Lots of love

Anonymous said...

God has this situation already worked out. You just have to sit quietly and wait, which is a very hard thing to do!
As for you and K situation, you can not be judged by man, if you believe what Gods' word says. God does not love someone else more than He loves you no matter what situation you are in, so I don't think you have to worry about anyone on this post judging you!

And if they do CALL YOUR MOM!!!!

caitsmom said...

Lindsay, you are already a blessing; you bless your angel on earth and angel in heaven and your partner in life, AND you are a blessing to us, this community of parents who grieve with you and are grateful for the honest and loving ways you share your life. Be gentle with yourself. Peace.

margaret said...

We struggled too Lindsay. Eighteen months after Lorelei was born we decided to try for another baby. I got pregnant right away to my surprise and delight but when I went in for a prenatal checkup at eleven weeks found the baby's heart had stopped beating. After we lost our girl (we found out through genetic testing our baby was a girl with a sex chromosome disorder called Turner Syndrome), we tried for a year to no avail. I was heartbroken. Blood testing revealed my FSH was high and I was given some clomid to jumpstart the process. One fifty mg round of clomid and I was pregnant with the twins. There is hope sweetheart. Don't give up just yet. None of us know what God has in store for us which is so hard at times. Just know that we are thinking about you and keeping our fingers crossed that in a few months, maybe after the stress of the wedding is done, you'll get your BFP!!!

Jennifer Ross said...

I felt sad when I read your post. I wanted to be pregnant after I lost Isaiah. I didn't think that it would ever happen. Lean on the Lord, and I know that He will bless you. I will pray for God to fill your womb.


Natalie said...

I am so sorry Lindsay. So very sincerely sorry. You just keep breathing. One breath at a time, just keep surviving. I know you will prevail.

I have to say ditto to the comment left by Caitsmom...what beautiful words she had for you. Hold on to them, because I believe they are full of truth.

Love you so much!!