Sadness and longing in La La Land...

Don't worry guys, I'm still going to post my mini-vacation story early this week. I was going to do it today, but I find myself in a funk this morning.
I want another baby. I'm afraid that the keloid scarring I have, will prevent me from having another child, without medical assistance, which we can't afford.
K and I are getting married in August/September, but I'll be honest here...we haven't done anything to prevent conception in seven months. No oops at all, just a barren womb.
Please do not send me comments about how wrong that is. I understand that co-habitating is not what God wants for us, but we are trying to make that right. I was informed by my O.B. that babies after 30 are a bad idea for me. My biological clock is pounding loudly in my head, as I am soon to be twenty-eight.
I hate to think that L.O.'s only sibling is in Heaven, and I may never give her another one. Things were not supposed to be like this and it hurts me deeply. I hurt a lot more than I let on. I may say,'I just don't feel so great today K, is it okay if I don't________?'(insert some daily activity here) and I wait till everyone is gone and I just sit. I think, I cry. I think of how unfair it is. I pity myself, and it's embarrassing and sad.
I read today that Carly was pregnant and I was surprised at my reaction. (embarrassed really) K and I talked about it, and we decided that I was truly happy for Carly. I love her and she deserves it. I am just sad for me. I had it in my mind, that when Carly was able to be pregnant, I wouldn't be far from it as well. I don't know why I felt that way, but it hurt me that I've been struggling with no end in sight.
I want to enjoy my life. I want to be a blessing to those around me. How can I be a blessing, when all I do lately is feel sad for my empty womb and sibling-less daughter that misses her sister. I feel we are marked by this sadness.
I know that I am traumatized by her birth and death. I still hide the sadness with pills sometimes and that makes me feel guilty. They give me the energy to take care of this house, L.o. and K and myself.
I don't know the point of this post. There is no deeper meaning here. I am just still a sad, struggling, babylost momma searching for her peace of mind.
I have it together sometimes, and other times I must reinforce the damn, that keeps the tears from perpetually falling.
This was not supposed to be my life, but I don't believe I am owed anything from God. We survive how we can, and who can say what's wrong or right, when you're hanging on for your life?