You are the greatest! (yes, YOU)

I'll actually write a post tomorrow but I wanted those who cared to know that I am feeling much better. I can feel your thoughts and prayers and love. I got a sweet package today, that I'll talk about tomorrow, that blessed my soul more than I can say. (it also blessed my taste buds) :)

I decided to open myself up to sunlight and love today, and it worked. It actually worked.

bleh

I do not feel like myself. K doesn't like me right now. LO has had an overnight guest for two days. I let her stay another night honestly, because I was too riddled with anxiety to take her back home yesterday. K is building a short fence in the front yard for no good reason other than to get away from me while still saying he was here. He is off for two weeks. his next job may be in another city. I will be alone. There is too much work to be done in this country home for one person. I'll run myself ragged like I did last time. Great. This is K's first child. He has no idea that he should be afraid. This in turn makes me feel terribly afraid and unable to talk about it. Everything is NOT going according to plan.
I'm going to throw up now...

Sorry for the bomb...

OK so that last post was dry and awkward. Kind of how I am feeling at the moment. There is a part of me that want to wear all of my flowery paisley skirts and be the airy pregnant bohemian. Problem is, I don't know what to feel and my emotions seem to be staring up at me like,"What do you want from us?"


When I lost Zoe, I was told that I may not get pregnant easily or at all. That was the main reason behind not trying to prevent it. I was also reminded, quizzed actually, that I had a thirty-five percent of another rupture with another pregnancy. I have read different statistics on the Internet, but when I went for my post-natal appointment, my ob asked,"Do you remember the percent chance of having this occur again?", "Thirty three percent", I said obediently for the third time in as many months. It felt like a warning, a 'don't say I didn't warn you!'
I have been technically TTC for around ten months. I know that there are many of you trying and I truly hope this news does not sting. I will always try to be sensitive to those so wanting to just be pregnant. I am happy, but a part of me is numb. I explained it to K like this: 'If you were in a terrible tragedy say, on a roller coaster for instance. Say one of your children are killed when something goes wrong. Assume after a few years you decide you want try to ride the roller coaster again despite the nagging fear and anxiety that's creeping up your neck. Now to
the average Joe on the street, it may seem silly for you to be strapped in the cart
crying and speaking of your fear of death. However it would still be a valid
fear wouldn't it? Even things as beautiful and miraculous as pregnancy are utterly terrifying to begin with, but when things go horribly wrong and you lose your child and your older child almost loses her mother, it can be a nightmare.'



So, I suppose I got what I asked for, and I am extremely thankful. I just don't see me jumping up and down just yet. Perhaps I'll relax when they say,"Ms. Barr, it's a 'insert boy or girl here' !!!" And see a screaming healthy pink baby.
I suppose all I can do is wear the skirts and pat the belly and wait for peace to come. Peace in the outcome.


I will be living one day at a time, as that is all that I can take. I will pray for a good outcome, a healthy baby, and to keep the rest of my heart in my chest.


In a book I was reading a lady said, " I'm better at the details, than with the big picture." Those words stuck with me. That's exactly how I have felt my whole life.


(edited to add: I have read a few posts tonight that fill me with sadness. I am sad for those of you for whom this news was hard to hear. I am scared and I feel that I should be more grateful. I do know how you feel, honestly. I always felt better after a while, but first hearing about it can feel like a blow. My heart is truly with you)

I hear the theme music from 'The Twilight Zone' in my brain...

I don't know how to put this. I hope no one goes away due to this. I know this has hurt me when someone has said it on their blogs. I was going to keep this a secret, but to me, I just couldn't blog at all if I had to be secretive. I don't know if this will be okay. I am scared and I feel very strange and I'm really not ready...


But,




I'm pregnant

Gotta run, but I'm still here...

After a morning of shopping for supplies in preparation of my third and final project. (maybe, I'm going to see how a head band I'm making myself, is worth selling in my soon to be shop online)
When I'm done typing this, I'm heading to the post office to mail Angie and Peggy's packages. They will be followed shortly with Mirne's and Monique's, and the M"s (I've finished that one) and Jennifer, when ever she tells me what she wants: ).
Other than that, life is boring. I'm through with the first week of the 'two week wait' so keep your fingers crossed if you would.
I keep you all in my thoughts.
I must go now. The post office and then get to work finishing Mirne's bear.
(I'm thinking of you Mirne, and I am hoping so much for you this coming week!)
Love Lindsay


edited to add: I will NOT be going to the post office as it is closed today. Monday then...

Tantrum

I have been VERY edgy the last three or so days. This morning in particular. I got on-line this morning , to give me a bit of time to read, but I've read every blog I'm 'following' (does that term irk you too?) and I've become more aggravated the longer I've been out of my bed.
I got LO off to school. I went to feed the dogs and realized that the 52lb bag of dog food I bought yesterday that I oh so sweetly asked K to get out of my back seat for me last night, is still in my car. If I open it in my car, it will reek of dog food in there. If I take it out, I will hurt my neck and shoulder. I am not supposed to lift over ten pounds. I do it anyway, but 52lbs is a guaranteed pain in the neck for the rest of the day. In fact, my neck hurts just thinking about it.
Very early this morning (and last night, and yesterday when he got home from work and the night before that) I woke up for a few minutes as K was getting ready for work and asked him not to forget the trash. (We live in the country with no trash service, he has the truck) He told me that he had already done the trash, so I went back to sleep. When I did get up to get LO up, (still very early) I went to throw away a plastic bread wrapper and guess what? The trash was still there!
Now before you get bent out of shape and think I have no patience, you must know, that I have taken over ALL household duties. Honestly, I am not used to not having help and I find myself choosing one chore over another as I simply can not do it all in one day and go pay bills and do the shopping and the cooking, feed and take care of five cats (outside cats but still, they have to eat and not have fleas) and three large dogs and seven puppies. (the male is going for a nueter Monday and the females every subsequent Monday after that, per my request) I AM TIRED!
I know K works hard and I know that this job is a blessing, but I really must have help with one or two things (trash and the heavy lifting) and my load would be much lighter if K would just TRY to remember to help a little. He has sleep apnea. He needs a c-pap machine, but is too stubborn to get it. He falls asleep driving, even hit a mailbox on the way home from his first day at work a few weeks ago. I used to feel bad for him, but now that I know that a simple device would make him feel 100% better and I could stop worrying if he's going to die in a car crash every time that he drives alone, I find it hard to feel sorry for him. I guess it's the same as him not feeling bad about my shoulder because I won't do the nerve conduction study. Thing is, even the doctor said the test was painful and there's no real treatment for what they're testing for, other than what I've tried and can't take. To me, that's pain for no reason, for a word, a diagnosis.
I was having, well still have, dreams of just random LOUD chaos. For example, people everywhere, a big cluster of many of the people I've known, moving the contents of their entire home in the streets and in buildings and up flights of stairs, in crowded airplanes with me and usually other random people EVERYWHERE. The noise is just deafening in these dreams and in them, I am searching for solitude and quiet to no avail. I awake still tired and go about my day. My theory is that K snores so loudly, that it permeates my dreams. What do you think about that possiblity? This is every night.
He also falls asleep a lot after work and is VERY hard to rouse. Last night after attempting to wake him four times, I got up and turned off the kitchen and aquarium lights. I sat beside him in the dark living room silently crying, listening to his deafening snoring, refusing to go to bed alone. I eventually went to bed alone anyway to be awake for LO in the morning. I spread an extra quilt over the comforter to make up for K's warmth.
I know I should not complain, but I am tired. I feel glued to this house and I need to spend time with adults. I hate waking him up for dinner, waking him up for a shower, waking him, or in last night's case, not waking him to go to bed. He needs that machine and this is getting ridiculous. This cannot be healthy for him. I just KNOW that he would feel so much better. I hate to watch our relationship suffer because of something that is not his fault and is fixable. When they put that machine on him at the sleep study, he didn't snore and didn't move. He walked in the house the next morning with coffee for the both of us, smiling and picking on LO happy and rested. I want that for him, well us really, every day.
I love him and I know he works hard. I know he didn't mean to forget the trash or the dog food, he was only half awake.

deep breath

I'm better now...

How would you handle a delicate situation with the man you love? Or, what advice do you have for me to ultimately get some understanding and perhaps a good night sleep for him and a lot less worry for me? His ego is bruised easily, keep that in mind. Many of you have been in a committed relationship for much longer than I have and are a bit wiser. I think my 'blurt it out then sort through it later and hope I don't offend approach' is working less the older I get.
I don't like to complain without looking for solutions, so I suppose I'll focus on the things I can control and not worry about what I cannot do anything about.
Thanks for listening..well, reading.







Baby, if you happen to stumble across this post, if you ever manage the time, just know that I understand where you're coming from. I love you. I had to vent in order to get on with my day. I'm alone so much now, so I let it out here, for my familiar strangers and random family's reading pleasure. This is my little place to spew my honest thoughts. I only want the best for us three


ETA: K hasn't been on his computer in weeks. Coincidentally he had to look up the movie schedule last night and ended up here, on this post. He asked me to correct a point that I had wrong.
K did not fall asleep at the wheel (this time) when he hit the mailbox. The car in front of him apparently hit the brakes too hard, causing him to swerve and hit the mailbox rather than the car's rear end. Sorry. I don't see him terribly often and didn't get those details in the initial explanation of the crushed mail box incident.

I'm here..umm.mostly.

I know I've been blogging about my crafts a lot. I know it's probably boring you. Truthfully, that's all that can hold my attention very long. Today, nothing is holding my attention. Not the need to get out and pay some bills, not the fact that this house has a desperate need to get clean. The weekend was busy and then L.O.'s first day of second grade was yesterday morning. This morning, the brain is busy, the mind is not.

When we walked in and began to put up her supplies yesterday at L.O.'s school, she was fine. I began to fill out a few papers sitting on her desk, when I noticed she was quiet. I looked up and her face was blood red and her eyes were welled up with big alligator tears. "Please stay here with me momma," she said. "I don't want to start school today."
On the way back to the car I thought of the first day of kindergarten two years ago, same school. I was pregnant and self conscious. I remembered being at the sink every morning, trying to put my hair up in a ponytail or a bun, but my hair in the back would stick out straight and chunks of hair would loosen and dangle around my ears. Then in September of that year I had Zoe. In October of that year, five days after my birthday and two days before my mother's birthday, I had to say goodbye, and let her go.
So, sad memories yesterday, mush brain this morning.

I think my half and half has gone bad. My coffee was bitter and gross earlier. I suppose I'll just have to stop at a coffee place here in a minute when I gather my energy and push myself out of the front door.

As promised...

I've been making dessert charms from Sculpey clay...

I have a love for making miniature things and a serious sweet tooth, so this was perfect for me and a LOT of fun. Don't get me wrong. I didn't have an easy time at first. I have burned many cupcakes after hours of tedious molding and a whole cake, so it has taken some real trial and error.

In a few days I will be trying different techniques for making realistic whipped cream and glaze for fruit pies...

They will be on necklaces, charm bracelets, cell phone charms, and earrings.

Everything is done by hand. I even learned to make fruit 'canes' for the decoration on top of the pies.

I'm putting my last winners (except you Monique, because I'm not done with yours or Mirne's, just be patient with me) in the mail Saturday. Let me know when you've received them.


Everyone who comments on this post, even if you have already won something from me, will have a chance to have your favorite dessert (from a list of what I can do) molded, sliced, wired, baked and sent to your home. I can even do a'la mode (sp?)
You all encourage me so much and I am so blessed for all of you. I would love to send something to all of you that I am glad to know through this blog. Unfortunately, I don't have that kind of money for postage as so many of you don't even live in my country.
These contests are a way for me to bless you back in a random way and without feeling guilty (mostly). That said, I may pick more than one winner...


Please leave your comments soon as I will disable them Saturday night at 10:00 p.m. and announce the winner Sunday night.

Love you guys.

Past my bedtime...

It is late and my mind is still in high gear. I know I promised a picture of my latest thing I'm crafting. I'm SO sorry, I've just been busy. I don't know if I should post a contest or some giveaway as well. Probably just another 'name in the hat' (or bowl in my case) drawing on the commenters of the post in which I reveal my new yummy creations (yummy looking anyway;) Probably tomorrow.
I had an anxiety-ridden morning for no good reason. I took the lack of comments on my last post as a sign that a few of you thought I was in fact a bit off or perhaps shared too much information. I love the comments I've received, but miss hearing from a few of my regular commenters. Where'd you go? Was is something I said?
Things like tone and intention, do not always come across as planned in the typed word. I'm always afraid that the way I word this on that comment will somehow cause the receiving individual some confusion or misunderstanding. Or, many of you have been busy and this is only proof-positive that my brain has been on overdrive today.
As it began to get dark, and after dinner this evening, (my meatloaf and saffron rice..yum) we took Coraline and the 3-D glasses that came with the dvd, to my mom and dad's house and watched it on their large flat screen television. My mom had never seen 3-d before and has been looking forward to us bringing it. It was fun, but K was tired and I was hurting and L.O. wasn't terribly interested as she had already seen it and dislikes the few scary bits in it. Now everyone is in bed and it's getting later and later. I must try now, to and lay down and hope my brain will let my body rest.
Please leave a comment on this post. Even if it's just to let me know your around. I love hearing from everyone. All of your words just make me smile. I sincerely hope I do the same for you every now and again.


Sweet Dreams...

Trains of thought causing wrecks...

A post in which I write my random thoughts in which I will be using dot dot dot too much and probably parenthesis too. Maybe even parenthesis inside parenthesis...we'll see... My favorite pictures? Hmm...probably some pictures of myself. I like to pose. (I hope you all forgive me for this mess) Zoe's dad took pictures of me before she was even a conceived thought. Years before. I had dyed blond hair. I was vain. Maybe I was with him, because he stroked my ego? Perhaps Zoe dying was a punishment for my vanity? (and other sins I'll not mention) Perhaps subconsciously, I know that. Is that why I don't dye my hair blond anymore? Is that why I can't look K in the eye when he tells me I'm beautiful? I know that a few people were happy to see me knocked down a notch. They proved it. Like M. She said such TERRIBLE things to/about me. Damn, she even told me (like four months after Zoe died) that I was using her death for attention and I needed to get over it... that people were saying I was crazy and they hoped L.O. survived me. (she was pretty much the only one saying that) She wanted my ex-husband. He didn't want her. She took it out on me. I wonder why women scare me mostly? M saw Zoe, touched her even. TOOK PICTURES. Told everyone on myspace how we were doing. Then, she just turned on me. I am afraid of genuine contact with most women. It's hard for me to believe they aren't plotting behind me. The way M treated me at such a vulnerable point in my life, took away my ability to trust members of my own sex. I just realized this. I am so awkward and have lost my cool. I am not so cool anymore. I probably never was, good thing I don't care very much now.
People come around and I barely look up from stabbing tangled wool repetitively or shaping some delicacy with my fingertips. People don't tend to sit on their couch all day making miniature things. Time consuming, easily lost yet mind-numbing things. K's friends think I'm crazy. They don't know any women like me...I'll bet they would've said that before Zoe died, but it's a convenient thing to say now. "Man, K's girl is a little cuckoo!" "Yeah dude, she lost that baby and now she's pretty out there".
I was 'out there' before. This place is small and for narrow minds. How does geography birth similar attitudes and close mindedness? I daydream of getting an e-mail, from someone far away from here, telling me to come there. Bring K and L.O. and all your animals and come here. They'll love you here...

New week and a winner!

I wrote the names of the people who entered my contest on little scraps of colorful paper...







(if you don't see your name and you entered a comment, it's not here because you probably entered my last little contest and I made something for everyone who entered that one. I hope you understand, and your packages are on the arm of my couch, awaiting postage $)



Put them in a hat (ok, a bowl) and picked one, with my eyes closed of course.
The winner is...




MIRNE!!!


Please click the email link on my profile page and send me your address and what kind of animal and what color. I'm so glad to be working on one of these for you Mirne! I can't wait to get started...

In other news. there's not much other news. I'm working a lot on my crafts. K says I should be doing 'real art' as in my paintings, but I'm either lazy or need a break from it. I just like keeping my hands busy and it helps keep my anxiety at bay.
I also like seeing things on the internet and teaching myself how to do them. It's a challenge and it's fun. I can't wait to show you what else I've been working on.

I must go now. K called and wants to meet L.O. and I for lunch at her favorite restaurant. It's a suprise for her and a chance for me to get out and grab a few groceries for the house.
I'll post a spoiler picture of my latest handiwork later today. Stay tuned!

There's still time to..

leave a comment on my giveaway post and be entered to win one of my needle felted creatures. At the moment I'm making prototypes of my sweet new line of jewelry. I'm making three different sets (two for adults and one for the kiddies or adults like me that will wear whatever I think is cute).
I will sell pierced earrings, necklaces, bracelets and adjustable rings thrown in on the children's sets. I'm giving L.O. the first one. It will look so cute on her first day at school.
Sorry to leave you all in suspense again, but I like to drag out the details and then surprise you!

On another note,I've been trying NOT to think about Zoe's upcoming would-be birthday. I want another child so badly. I miss her so badly. My free time is bittersweet because I should have none. I should be watching my girl toddle and fall down and look precious in her cute hats and bows while imitating her big sister. I really miss that girl. I am so scared of trying again.
I'm sure some of you won't understand why I'm ttc before marriage. Honestly, I have put serious thought into this and decided (for many reasons, finances and credit for one) that we would go on and try regardless. We have a commitment to God. We have prayed knowing that God understands our situation, and we BOTH have peace about it.
The reasons we can't get married yet in my opinion has less to do with feelings(or we would have been married like yesterday) and more to do with sustaining ourselves and our financial security. For example I would lose my insurance and he would bring home less of his check if he had to put me on his insurance.
Basically, God knows our hearts and our situation and the way this world works. We have a commitment that we made to God, we've made it public, we just aren't able to put it on paper yet or I wouldn't get the health care I must have for a pregnancy with a good ending. Not to mention the fact that my doctors have advised against a pregnancy past thirty as I have a scarred and weak uterus from my full placental rupture with Zoe-Beth.

Anyway, this post is getting longer and longer. I really just wanted to remind everyone to get their comment in on my giveaway post. The winner will choose the animal they wish to receive and will be able to choose the colors they want from what I have available.
You guys have a great day...

A few more peeks and a question...

These are a few more of the pictures I took.
Now, I have a question and I want you to answer honestly.
Are these photos good enough to go on an Etsy store website?
I must make do until October 12th, as I am getting an awesome camera then. I would like to start building my site, but not if I don't have good pictures of what I make.
Really, honestly, are the PICTURES good enough?
Anyway, leave me your opinion.
As a reminder, if you want to win one of these creatures, just post a comment in the post before this one and I'll announce the winner Saturday night.
Sound fun? I thought so.

I hope everyone has a good day. I must be off to take L.O. to her swimming lesson. (Her dad's girlfriend has a pool, and I just don't trust him to pay enough attention and not let her drown! How sad is that?) She's literally waiting on the porch right now.
I love you guys.
HaPpY 100th PoSt To mE!!!!!!

My New Hobby Pt.1 and a Contest!

These are a few of my new creations. I am trying to perfect and photograph three new craft forms and starting a blog on Etsy ! This is my first project. Little needle felted animals. Everyone around me loves them. I've made many more than I am showing here, but I like to think I'm getting better and better. Sorry to keep you waiting so long. I made do with my old digital camera and a new set of batteries ;).
Tomorrow, I will be on to part 2 of my projects as I would like to finish the first one for L.O. as a back to school present.
Now for the contest..
On Saturday I will put the names from the comments on this post in a basket and let L.o. pick the winner. You will receive a needle-felted animal of your choice with your choice of colors! I'm doing this in honor of my 100th post on this blog. Hey, I thought it was worth celebrating. And you know you want one...

And how are you?

While the coffee maker grumbles in the background, I wanted to stop and get a few lines down about life right now. K works 11 to 12 hour shifts a day. I tend the house, the animals, L.O. of course. Lately, I've been able to shop around a bit, and I've come up with some cute ideas for some projects.
I'm going to start making mini moss terrariums with fimo clay miniature scenery inside. I've been collecting tiny glass jars and containers. I've rummaged through the woods, looking for tiny plant life.
While still working on my needle felted creatures, and getting packages ready to send. I REALLY want to show you guys what I've been up to, but I'm trying to hold out until my birthday to get a new camera. I promise though that soon I will put up a few pictures.
It's now July, and that means that Zoe's would be two year birthday is coming up. I have no plans other than to visit her grave with flowers.
Well, coffee is finished, and I have packages to mail tomorrow. I hope you all are doing well.
In fact, because I'm so curious...leave me comment and let me know what's been keeping YOU busy!
Anonymous, Mom, this means you guys too...