Tantrum

I have been VERY edgy the last three or so days. This morning in particular. I got on-line this morning , to give me a bit of time to read, but I've read every blog I'm 'following' (does that term irk you too?) and I've become more aggravated the longer I've been out of my bed.
I got LO off to school. I went to feed the dogs and realized that the 52lb bag of dog food I bought yesterday that I oh so sweetly asked K to get out of my back seat for me last night, is still in my car. If I open it in my car, it will reek of dog food in there. If I take it out, I will hurt my neck and shoulder. I am not supposed to lift over ten pounds. I do it anyway, but 52lbs is a guaranteed pain in the neck for the rest of the day. In fact, my neck hurts just thinking about it.
Very early this morning (and last night, and yesterday when he got home from work and the night before that) I woke up for a few minutes as K was getting ready for work and asked him not to forget the trash. (We live in the country with no trash service, he has the truck) He told me that he had already done the trash, so I went back to sleep. When I did get up to get LO up, (still very early) I went to throw away a plastic bread wrapper and guess what? The trash was still there!
Now before you get bent out of shape and think I have no patience, you must know, that I have taken over ALL household duties. Honestly, I am not used to not having help and I find myself choosing one chore over another as I simply can not do it all in one day and go pay bills and do the shopping and the cooking, feed and take care of five cats (outside cats but still, they have to eat and not have fleas) and three large dogs and seven puppies. (the male is going for a nueter Monday and the females every subsequent Monday after that, per my request) I AM TIRED!
I know K works hard and I know that this job is a blessing, but I really must have help with one or two things (trash and the heavy lifting) and my load would be much lighter if K would just TRY to remember to help a little. He has sleep apnea. He needs a c-pap machine, but is too stubborn to get it. He falls asleep driving, even hit a mailbox on the way home from his first day at work a few weeks ago. I used to feel bad for him, but now that I know that a simple device would make him feel 100% better and I could stop worrying if he's going to die in a car crash every time that he drives alone, I find it hard to feel sorry for him. I guess it's the same as him not feeling bad about my shoulder because I won't do the nerve conduction study. Thing is, even the doctor said the test was painful and there's no real treatment for what they're testing for, other than what I've tried and can't take. To me, that's pain for no reason, for a word, a diagnosis.
I was having, well still have, dreams of just random LOUD chaos. For example, people everywhere, a big cluster of many of the people I've known, moving the contents of their entire home in the streets and in buildings and up flights of stairs, in crowded airplanes with me and usually other random people EVERYWHERE. The noise is just deafening in these dreams and in them, I am searching for solitude and quiet to no avail. I awake still tired and go about my day. My theory is that K snores so loudly, that it permeates my dreams. What do you think about that possiblity? This is every night.
He also falls asleep a lot after work and is VERY hard to rouse. Last night after attempting to wake him four times, I got up and turned off the kitchen and aquarium lights. I sat beside him in the dark living room silently crying, listening to his deafening snoring, refusing to go to bed alone. I eventually went to bed alone anyway to be awake for LO in the morning. I spread an extra quilt over the comforter to make up for K's warmth.
I know I should not complain, but I am tired. I feel glued to this house and I need to spend time with adults. I hate waking him up for dinner, waking him up for a shower, waking him, or in last night's case, not waking him to go to bed. He needs that machine and this is getting ridiculous. This cannot be healthy for him. I just KNOW that he would feel so much better. I hate to watch our relationship suffer because of something that is not his fault and is fixable. When they put that machine on him at the sleep study, he didn't snore and didn't move. He walked in the house the next morning with coffee for the both of us, smiling and picking on LO happy and rested. I want that for him, well us really, every day.
I love him and I know he works hard. I know he didn't mean to forget the trash or the dog food, he was only half awake.

deep breath

I'm better now...

How would you handle a delicate situation with the man you love? Or, what advice do you have for me to ultimately get some understanding and perhaps a good night sleep for him and a lot less worry for me? His ego is bruised easily, keep that in mind. Many of you have been in a committed relationship for much longer than I have and are a bit wiser. I think my 'blurt it out then sort through it later and hope I don't offend approach' is working less the older I get.
I don't like to complain without looking for solutions, so I suppose I'll focus on the things I can control and not worry about what I cannot do anything about.
Thanks for listening..well, reading.







Baby, if you happen to stumble across this post, if you ever manage the time, just know that I understand where you're coming from. I love you. I had to vent in order to get on with my day. I'm alone so much now, so I let it out here, for my familiar strangers and random family's reading pleasure. This is my little place to spew my honest thoughts. I only want the best for us three


ETA: K hasn't been on his computer in weeks. Coincidentally he had to look up the movie schedule last night and ended up here, on this post. He asked me to correct a point that I had wrong.
K did not fall asleep at the wheel (this time) when he hit the mailbox. The car in front of him apparently hit the brakes too hard, causing him to swerve and hit the mailbox rather than the car's rear end. Sorry. I don't see him terribly often and didn't get those details in the initial explanation of the crushed mail box incident.