Aug 19, 2009


I have been VERY edgy the last three or so days. This morning in particular. I got on-line this morning , to give me a bit of time to read, but I've read every blog I'm 'following' (does that term irk you too?) and I've become more aggravated the longer I've been out of my bed.
I got LO off to school. I went to feed the dogs and realized that the 52lb bag of dog food I bought yesterday that I oh so sweetly asked K to get out of my back seat for me last night, is still in my car. If I open it in my car, it will reek of dog food in there. If I take it out, I will hurt my neck and shoulder. I am not supposed to lift over ten pounds. I do it anyway, but 52lbs is a guaranteed pain in the neck for the rest of the day. In fact, my neck hurts just thinking about it.
Very early this morning (and last night, and yesterday when he got home from work and the night before that) I woke up for a few minutes as K was getting ready for work and asked him not to forget the trash. (We live in the country with no trash service, he has the truck) He told me that he had already done the trash, so I went back to sleep. When I did get up to get LO up, (still very early) I went to throw away a plastic bread wrapper and guess what? The trash was still there!
Now before you get bent out of shape and think I have no patience, you must know, that I have taken over ALL household duties. Honestly, I am not used to not having help and I find myself choosing one chore over another as I simply can not do it all in one day and go pay bills and do the shopping and the cooking, feed and take care of five cats (outside cats but still, they have to eat and not have fleas) and three large dogs and seven puppies. (the male is going for a nueter Monday and the females every subsequent Monday after that, per my request) I AM TIRED!
I know K works hard and I know that this job is a blessing, but I really must have help with one or two things (trash and the heavy lifting) and my load would be much lighter if K would just TRY to remember to help a little. He has sleep apnea. He needs a c-pap machine, but is too stubborn to get it. He falls asleep driving, even hit a mailbox on the way home from his first day at work a few weeks ago. I used to feel bad for him, but now that I know that a simple device would make him feel 100% better and I could stop worrying if he's going to die in a car crash every time that he drives alone, I find it hard to feel sorry for him. I guess it's the same as him not feeling bad about my shoulder because I won't do the nerve conduction study. Thing is, even the doctor said the test was painful and there's no real treatment for what they're testing for, other than what I've tried and can't take. To me, that's pain for no reason, for a word, a diagnosis.
I was having, well still have, dreams of just random LOUD chaos. For example, people everywhere, a big cluster of many of the people I've known, moving the contents of their entire home in the streets and in buildings and up flights of stairs, in crowded airplanes with me and usually other random people EVERYWHERE. The noise is just deafening in these dreams and in them, I am searching for solitude and quiet to no avail. I awake still tired and go about my day. My theory is that K snores so loudly, that it permeates my dreams. What do you think about that possiblity? This is every night.
He also falls asleep a lot after work and is VERY hard to rouse. Last night after attempting to wake him four times, I got up and turned off the kitchen and aquarium lights. I sat beside him in the dark living room silently crying, listening to his deafening snoring, refusing to go to bed alone. I eventually went to bed alone anyway to be awake for LO in the morning. I spread an extra quilt over the comforter to make up for K's warmth.
I know I should not complain, but I am tired. I feel glued to this house and I need to spend time with adults. I hate waking him up for dinner, waking him up for a shower, waking him, or in last night's case, not waking him to go to bed. He needs that machine and this is getting ridiculous. This cannot be healthy for him. I just KNOW that he would feel so much better. I hate to watch our relationship suffer because of something that is not his fault and is fixable. When they put that machine on him at the sleep study, he didn't snore and didn't move. He walked in the house the next morning with coffee for the both of us, smiling and picking on LO happy and rested. I want that for him, well us really, every day.
I love him and I know he works hard. I know he didn't mean to forget the trash or the dog food, he was only half awake.

deep breath

I'm better now...

How would you handle a delicate situation with the man you love? Or, what advice do you have for me to ultimately get some understanding and perhaps a good night sleep for him and a lot less worry for me? His ego is bruised easily, keep that in mind. Many of you have been in a committed relationship for much longer than I have and are a bit wiser. I think my 'blurt it out then sort through it later and hope I don't offend approach' is working less the older I get.
I don't like to complain without looking for solutions, so I suppose I'll focus on the things I can control and not worry about what I cannot do anything about.
Thanks for listening..well, reading.

Baby, if you happen to stumble across this post, if you ever manage the time, just know that I understand where you're coming from. I love you. I had to vent in order to get on with my day. I'm alone so much now, so I let it out here, for my familiar strangers and random family's reading pleasure. This is my little place to spew my honest thoughts. I only want the best for us three

ETA: K hasn't been on his computer in weeks. Coincidentally he had to look up the movie schedule last night and ended up here, on this post. He asked me to correct a point that I had wrong.
K did not fall asleep at the wheel (this time) when he hit the mailbox. The car in front of him apparently hit the brakes too hard, causing him to swerve and hit the mailbox rather than the car's rear end. Sorry. I don't see him terribly often and didn't get those details in the initial explanation of the crushed mail box incident.


Jennifer Ross said...

Wow, this post hit home to me! My husband and I have been together for almost eight years! It has not been the best in the world, nor do I expect it to be. He has RLS. If you don't know what that is, you can google it. It's where his legs always move, and he just feels like standing because it bugs him so much. He has done some sleep studdies, and has walked out during them. Talk about getting mad at somebody for not making there life a little easier!! He has been up for five days in a row before! Lets just say he was kind of CRAZY by the fifth day. It does drive me crazy. It is just something that I keep praying about. I am not a happy person when I am kept up throughout the night by an adult! So just pray really really hard for K. God hears you and I'll bet He answers your prayers very quickly.

About the contest... I really won?! That's wonderful and exciting! I'm honored that I will have one of your cool crafts:D I'll keep watching your posts for the details. Take care sweet friend.


Mirne said...

I think all male egos are easily bruised :-) certainly my husband's is!

Sometimes I don't go the extra mile to tell my husband something which is really important to me, because I know how he will respond -- usually negatively. That is, I know what he's going to say, and it's in disagreement with me, so I don't bother to discuss it with him. However, then the result is always the same. I get pissed and upset with him, and he gets angry with me because he "can't read my mind" and he didn't know how important it was to me.

So ... I guess if it was me, I'd tell him. Tell him how important you think it is that he does something about his apnea. Even if it means you have to tell him 10 times. Because (maybe) one of those times he'll finally realise it's something important. And it's ridiculous that he can do something about it and he's simply not doing it.

Hope this makes some sense.

Tina said...

I know when I try to talk to my husband when I am upset, nothing is accomplished. But if I let him know that I need to talk to him about something and I am calm, we are much more productive. I hope you find a way to let him know how important this is to you. I am sure if he knew how stressed you were, he would want to do something to help. Maybe him reading this post isn't such a bad idea!

Tina said...
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Tina said...
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Tina said...

Oops!!! I accidentally posted that comment 3 times. I guess I was being too impatient!

Catherine W said...

Oh Lindsay. I wish I had some cunning scheme to win him round. My mother always says, 'the man is the head but the woman is the neck.' Perhaps he just needs a little bit of subtle prodding to try the machine?

And you have my sympathy, it is so hard when you have identified a solution and it is worth a shot and might even fix the issue but SOMEONE (not wanting to name names but my own husband dearest does this too) will not even TRY it out to see if it helps! ARGH!

It's obviously dangerous if it is affecting his driving and he must be feeling awful with the tiredness. One of my mom's friends uses a cpap and he says it really helped.

Like Tina says, perhaps you could point him in the direction of this post? x

janis said...

Lindsay, you are such a very talented artist.
I hear you about the marriage and communication woes. Sometimes it is so hard to get the guys to do things, or to take steps to solve their problems. I guess compassion and patience is all I can say... I sure am no expert!
((hugs)) I hope things start to look up soon.

Mary said...

I know that sometimes it is hard to tell the hubbies things that are on our minds. It was suggested to me that I write my husband a letter. This way I expressed myself without being interrupted and this way I could avoid forgetting what I wanted to say.

I hope this helps.

Anonymous said...

I don't have any good advice on this one - I tend towards just being a bully about such things which isn't a good way to be. Men can be very reluctnant to get medical help for some reason. I hope he comes around. xoxo

margaret said...

Lindsay, sleep apnea is very dangerous. A coworker of mine's husband had severe apnea and because he was unable to sleep, gained over two hundred pounds as a result. Your body does not burn calories while you are not sleeping. Added weight contributes to apnea making it worse. It's a vicious cycle. My friend's husband actually died in his sleep from his apnea, please tell K to get the cpap, it will make him healthier, happier and will prevent apnea induced conditions such as congestive heart failure. It is extremely important that he be treated for this, it may seem like an inconvenience at first to wear the machine, but he will get used to it and so will you. He must do some research on his condition and realize how very serious it is. It is life threatening and he must take steps to treat it. Be blunt with him, tell him you love him too much to lose him and show him some research studies on apnea and it's related complications. Don't worry about bruising his ego, this is too important for that. Hugging you and hoping for the best...

Jennifer Ross said...

I just got done trying to e-mail you, and it would not go through for me. Would it be possible for you to e-mail me at and I will reply with the e-mail I tried sending you. Thank you:)


Cheese Lady said...

post it notes work wonders for friendly reminders, at our house this forgetfulness is called "sometimers" prelude of "alstimers" and I can add in "I love you's" at the same time.
We've been together for almost 19yrs, theres gonna be good and bad days believe me lol hang in there!!

Anonymous said...

insurance covers 80 % of the cost . the other 20 %is a little over five hundred dollars and you can't just pay for it . they want you to make payments.. hmm i don't care about using the dam thing , i can't afford it...