Aug 28, 2009

Sorry for the bomb...

OK so that last post was dry and awkward. Kind of how I am feeling at the moment. There is a part of me that want to wear all of my flowery paisley skirts and be the airy pregnant bohemian. Problem is, I don't know what to feel and my emotions seem to be staring up at me like,"What do you want from us?"

When I lost Zoe, I was told that I may not get pregnant easily or at all. That was the main reason behind not trying to prevent it. I was also reminded, quizzed actually, that I had a thirty-five percent of another rupture with another pregnancy. I have read different statistics on the Internet, but when I went for my post-natal appointment, my ob asked,"Do you remember the percent chance of having this occur again?", "Thirty three percent", I said obediently for the third time in as many months. It felt like a warning, a 'don't say I didn't warn you!'
I have been technically TTC for around ten months. I know that there are many of you trying and I truly hope this news does not sting. I will always try to be sensitive to those so wanting to just be pregnant. I am happy, but a part of me is numb. I explained it to K like this: 'If you were in a terrible tragedy say, on a roller coaster for instance. Say one of your children are killed when something goes wrong. Assume after a few years you decide you want try to ride the roller coaster again despite the nagging fear and anxiety that's creeping up your neck. Now to
the average Joe on the street, it may seem silly for you to be strapped in the cart
crying and speaking of your fear of death. However it would still be a valid
fear wouldn't it? Even things as beautiful and miraculous as pregnancy are utterly terrifying to begin with, but when things go horribly wrong and you lose your child and your older child almost loses her mother, it can be a nightmare.'

So, I suppose I got what I asked for, and I am extremely thankful. I just don't see me jumping up and down just yet. Perhaps I'll relax when they say,"Ms. Barr, it's a 'insert boy or girl here' !!!" And see a screaming healthy pink baby.
I suppose all I can do is wear the skirts and pat the belly and wait for peace to come. Peace in the outcome.

I will be living one day at a time, as that is all that I can take. I will pray for a good outcome, a healthy baby, and to keep the rest of my heart in my chest.

In a book I was reading a lady said, " I'm better at the details, than with the big picture." Those words stuck with me. That's exactly how I have felt my whole life.

(edited to add: I have read a few posts tonight that fill me with sadness. I am sad for those of you for whom this news was hard to hear. I am scared and I feel that I should be more grateful. I do know how you feel, honestly. I always felt better after a while, but first hearing about it can feel like a blow. My heart is truly with you)


Hope's Mama said...

Warmest wishes to you, Lindsay. Wishing you so much peace for the months ahead.

margaret said...

Lindsay, it wasn't a bomb for me. My whole life has been the bomb lately and not in a good way I might add. This is something beautiful and worth celebrating and you DESERVE to feel happy about it without feeling bad for feeling happy!!! I love you and hope you know how much your friendship means to me and I mean it with my whole heart when I say I support you one hundred percent and will be here if you need an ear or a shoulder. Congrats hon!!!

Catherine W said...

Oh Lindsay. I can't really imagine what you are going through as I haven't been pregnant again since my first one turned out so . . . well I don't really know how to describe it actually. I think Margaret nailed it, the bomb, and not in a good way.

But when I try to imagine it, I feel terrified. And numb. And like I will be holding my breath until the child is born. And then some.

I don't know about statistics, I don't seem to have much faith in them any longer (and I am supposed to produce them for a living). I hope you have some moments of happiness and peace for yourself during this pregnancy. xx

Jennifer Ross said...

WOW!!!!! I have a huge smile on my face right now!! I know what you're talking about with the fear that creaps in. Don't let it. I was told that all of my previous problems were a fluke.... then it all happened again. So, God is in control, it's His child, and what He says goes. Refuse to believe anything but God's blessing. Congrats.


angie said...

Lindsay, this new chapter is going to be a rollercoaster in and of itself, but you won't be going through it alone. We are all here to nod along with you and understand that fear, elation, terror, indifference, excitement and love can exist in the same moment. With love.

Barbara said...

I hope you find peace along your way.

I wish all good things for you and that new life growing inside.



Cheese Lady said...

CONGRATULATIONS! I will be praying for you!!