Aug 11, 2009

Trains of thought causing wrecks...

A post in which I write my random thoughts in which I will be using dot dot dot too much and probably parenthesis too. Maybe even parenthesis inside parenthesis...we'll see... My favorite pictures? Hmm...probably some pictures of myself. I like to pose. (I hope you all forgive me for this mess) Zoe's dad took pictures of me before she was even a conceived thought. Years before. I had dyed blond hair. I was vain. Maybe I was with him, because he stroked my ego? Perhaps Zoe dying was a punishment for my vanity? (and other sins I'll not mention) Perhaps subconsciously, I know that. Is that why I don't dye my hair blond anymore? Is that why I can't look K in the eye when he tells me I'm beautiful? I know that a few people were happy to see me knocked down a notch. They proved it. Like M. She said such TERRIBLE things to/about me. Damn, she even told me (like four months after Zoe died) that I was using her death for attention and I needed to get over it... that people were saying I was crazy and they hoped L.O. survived me. (she was pretty much the only one saying that) She wanted my ex-husband. He didn't want her. She took it out on me. I wonder why women scare me mostly? M saw Zoe, touched her even. TOOK PICTURES. Told everyone on myspace how we were doing. Then, she just turned on me. I am afraid of genuine contact with most women. It's hard for me to believe they aren't plotting behind me. The way M treated me at such a vulnerable point in my life, took away my ability to trust members of my own sex. I just realized this. I am so awkward and have lost my cool. I am not so cool anymore. I probably never was, good thing I don't care very much now.
People come around and I barely look up from stabbing tangled wool repetitively or shaping some delicacy with my fingertips. People don't tend to sit on their couch all day making miniature things. Time consuming, easily lost yet mind-numbing things. K's friends think I'm crazy. They don't know any women like me...I'll bet they would've said that before Zoe died, but it's a convenient thing to say now. "Man, K's girl is a little cuckoo!" "Yeah dude, she lost that baby and now she's pretty out there".
I was 'out there' before. This place is small and for narrow minds. How does geography birth similar attitudes and close mindedness? I daydream of getting an e-mail, from someone far away from here, telling me to come there. Bring K and L.O. and all your animals and come here. They'll love you here...

4 comments:

Mirne said...

Lindsay, Zoe's death was not a punishment for something that you did or didn't do ... and as for M, she sounds *awful* ... if you come across her again you should turn your back on her and stay far, far away. As for what people think of you sitting on your couch, who cares? I sit on my couch all day and watch tv, or read a book, or surf the net. All for however long my attention span lasts. Who gets to say what's normal anyway? I'm not normal ... I don't know of any baby-lost mama who can say she's normal anymore. ((hugs)) to you.

Jennifer Ross said...

You seem normal to me. Just having a hard time.... like most of us.

*hugs*

Jenny

Monique said...

That woman sounds evil and I'm sorry she hurt you so deeply when you were already in so much pain. And for what it's worth, I think you're beautiful, unique, and loving. Don't let the assholes get you down.

Catherine W said...

Like everyone else, I can only say that M sounds like a real piece of work.

It wasn't anything that you did. Zoe didn't die because you were 'vain' and I seriously doubt that you were vain anyhow. You just don't seem the type to me honey.

I've beaten myself up wondering whether it was the frickin' hair dye. Whether it was depilatory cream. Whether it was because I wore make up. Or deodorant. Or perfume. Or had my baths too hot. I've also wondered if it was any one of a million things, if she died just because I was too vain not to do these things. Because I drank a caffeinated coca cola by mistake when I was pregnant.

I wish that I could send you an e-mail inviting you to some other place, some better place. But sadly I don't think it is much better where I am sitting.

You do whatever makes you feel happy, nobody else has any right to judge you.

Love to you, xo