Nov 25, 2009

Here and there and Thanksgiving too...

My hair is pulled up in pigtails and I'm almost ready to face the world. I got a mortgage to pay and some felt to find that matches two of the birds I'm making for a mobile.
This week I have tried to get into the Christmas spirit by participating in a blog giveaway and a gift swap. More about those later in the week..
So, every day, I build up motivation, write an incredibly long (and impossible) to-do list and then I do half the things listed and get too tired and usually pass out before I can tuck Ivy into bed. Then I wake up the next day, feeling unaccomplished, lay in bed until I hear Kenny making coffee, fight anxiety, get up, read your posts and repeat.
Everyday, I try an conjure up the Christmas spirit, which works for about an hour. I'll decide to put up the tree and make hot-chocolate and then it leaves me drained and I decide to do it tomorrow. Today is the third tomorrow and I don't see it getting done today, much to Ivy's dismay.
I was amazed at your encouragement on my 'bully' blog and amused to see my followers (anyone else hate that term?) go down by two. I won't miss them, I'm sure. I was sad to see how many of you also have dealt with terrible meanness while trying to grieve your loss/es. It's so sad to me, that so-called 'civilized' 'people' can be so cruel and controlling when something so devastating occurs to a 'friend'. Goes to show that it pays to be picky about who you let deep into your life.
Just makes me all the more thankful that this community exists.
(Warning, talk of babies and pregnancy below)
As far as the itty-bitty one, I'm 17wks today. I feel little jabs and pokes and sometimes it tickles me and I can't help but giggle. Other times, I look down at my belly and feel..nothing. It makes me feel guilty but honestly, I've never been terribly gushy about my pregnancies. With Ivy, I had that naive hope that we all did at first and I thought morning sickness (or hyperemesis gravidorum in my case) was the worst that could happen, to me at least. With Zoe, I never could picture bringing her home, or raising her for that matter. I half-heartedly (yes, I know that's not a word, but it should be) helped arrange her nursery and if I'm being honest, I was angry and bitchy the majority of the time. I'm not sure why I never could picture her an old woman. Instincts? Maybe?
I've always had good instincts, but with an anxiety disorder, you get a gut-feeling mixed up with an irrational fear. Deep down I know the difference and SHOULD listen to my 'gut' more often. Anyway, way off track here, my point is, that in this pregnancy, I'm not looking ahead. I'm just letting it all happen as it happens. There are plenty of people who don't understand this IRL. Kenny even thinks losing Zoe is the same as his sister's early miscarriages. May I mention, that it's hard to go through a pregnancy after loss, with someone who has never had a child die. It's lonely already, but this is VERY lonely emotionally. My mom says I'm always in a foul mood, but damn, I'm trying hard here.
Ambivalence is the best I can muster some days.
I'm not a horrible ungrateful brat. I'm guarded and shy and getting on as best I can manage.

(abrupt subject change)

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm going to list ten things I'm very thankful for. I
believe that this is probably more exciting than my now daily 'to-do' list.
They are not in order of importance, they are just listed as they come to mind. I urge you all to do the same on your own blogs. It may just be good for you. I'll tell you when I'm finished.

Lindsay's List
I am thankful for:
1)My life. I've nearly lost it and been given it back. I may not always like it, but I'm thankful for it.
2)My family. The ones I truly consider family in my heart, not necessarily the ones I'm related to.
3)Kenny. We don't always see things the same and he snores but I thank God that he's in my life.
4)Ivy. I love every second of being that creative and adorable girls' mother.
5)Zoe. She taught me more about the world in nineteen days than I'd learned in twenty-six years. She was perfect and sweet and fought like a soldier.
6)Lucy and Toby. One's a dog and one's a cat, but they know me, and they've been through the rough patches of life with me, patiently, and still love me.
7)Good food.
8)Creativity. Mine, yours, doesn't matter. The urge to create and the process in which you carry out your idea is so beautiful to me. It's a sixth sense (or seventh) and an evolving force.
9)The kind and amazing friends I've met in this strange, sad babyloss community. To read similar stories and to be told to keep my chin up or to have a good day, does good for my soul and puts a smile on my face.
10)The itty bitty one still inside and the hope that it makes it outside and lives to one day bury me instead of the other way around.

Well, there's my list. I encourage you to make one of your own. It felt pretty good even if I'm now leaving the house in yesterday's mascara.
Sorry for being all over the place. Very indicative of my emotions right now.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone..tomorrow.


margaret said...

Happy Thanksgiving to you sweetheart. I have extreme turkey envy right now....sigh. Oh well, just another month til Christmas. OMG, a MONTH til Christmas....

Penny said...

You're pregnant and that alone entitles you to have emotions all over the place. Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and become happier and more at peace with your new one as you get further and further along. Are you going to find out what he/she is or wait and be surprised?
I'm glad you weren't hurt by two followers dropping out. Maybe they were friends of your enemy. ha

bir said...

saying hi, letting you know I'm still here ;) and sending you great big smashing hugs for your thanksgiving xxx

Anonymous said...

Oh, I love your list of things...

I used to write all those to-do-lists, too (way too long for one day) and then getting frustrated if I didn't manage everything. My shrink said to cut these lists by 2 thirds. And suddenly I had that sense of achievement because I was actually able to do it in one day without breaking down.... :)

What I am trying to say: Go easy on you. You're pregnant and a lot of your energy is being sucked up by the itty-bitty-one. It's OK to rest, relax and enjoy being kicked and tickeled.

A Happy Thanksgiving to you! xoxo