On bullies..

I was going through some old e-mails online. Old friends and unread Myspace messages from months ago. Blogs from a friend since the second grade, who I no longer talk to. Old friends (relatives even) who no longer contact me.
Losing Zoe was not what changed everything with many people. It was a mean girl I've mentioned before on my blog, who was there for me throughout Zoe's hospital stay, funeral and all.
She invited me to a Halloween party a very short time after Zoe died. I didn't want to go. I begged her to look after me, so to speak, as I felt weak, and the very thought of a party made me feel ill. She promised. She lied. Some serious things transpired at that party. She did in fact leave me all alone and managed to make out with Ivy's father in front of a car in her driveway, as I sat watching them from a darkened porch with my own eyes. Ivy's father had been helping me, as I was single and grieving and felt very ill-equipped to handle a hyper five year old every minute. He had asked for us to try things again. Claiming we were older and maybe, just maybe, things would work out this time.
That party insured that never became much more than a thought.
That was my first attempt at being social after Zoe's death. I knew it was too soon, but I thought that if I had friends (and Ivy's father) there to keep an eye on me, or take me home when I felt uncomfortable, I could do it. Wrong. He was too drunk to take me home. I still had stitches up to my belly button and wasn't allowed to drive myself, and he had a standard anyway and I only drive an automatic. I had to keep my mouth shut as I was too afraid to cause a scene. They both knew I saw them and said nothing.
I called her the next morning, and simply asked her why. She pretended to have no idea what I was talking about. I was beyond angry. Posts started showing up on the internet, that I had taken pills and drank alcohol while pregnant. She wrote a poem depicting me as a little spider. A spider that she was going to pry her friends and family from and eventually squash. Yes, it was very immature, but she did it, half of it anyway. I had childhood friends, who I only kept up with on the internet, that have long since moved away and family that I didn't think even knew her, contacting me. Asking why I was being so horrible to this poor girl. It was horrible.
There are people in real life, who will read this and think I just won't leave it alone. Most of these are the same people who were manipulated by her, and will never know the whole story.
None of this matters to me.
My whole point in all of this is that I feel that had this incident never happened, and I hadn't lost so many friends and even family because of the awkwardness this situation caused, I would have had more support while grieving Zoe. I often wonder if I would still have developed the social anxiety that continues to this day.
I was so alone. I couldn't trust anyone. I really hate to even admit how much this situation affected my grief.
Months later this person was still going online telling people that I was using my dead baby for attention.
Is that why I lurked around bloglang for nearly a year, terrified to write publicly about the loss I'd experienced?
Sometimes I think so.
It amazes me to think, that the actions of one person, could affect the way someone grieves. That one could cause another to hide their sadness form the world
for fear of being chastised.
I realize now, that I just let ALL my friends just slip away after that. I learned how easily a friend could turn on you. I stopped caring to meet new people. I isolated myself. I depended on things I'd rather not mention, to help me get through those lonely days. I wasn't very good to myself.
I look through the contacts on my phone often. It's sad to see how many people that I used to think would do anything for me. It's sad how many of them I'll never call and will never call me.
I truly believe that I have found some real friends here. There are some of you that I know will always read, who care about what is going on in my life. I've received the sweetest gifts in the mail and I go about my day thinking of many of you.
I hope that I don't go the rest of my life not meeting any of you. I would love to give a hug, to each and every one of you who has helped to make this a more beautiful, hopeful and less lonesome time for me.

I feel safe posting this here. I know perhaps some of you will understand this.
Have any of you been hurt by someone you thought you could trust in the midst of grieving your child/ren?