Nov 20, 2009

On bullies..

I was going through some old e-mails online. Old friends and unread Myspace messages from months ago. Blogs from a friend since the second grade, who I no longer talk to. Old friends (relatives even) who no longer contact me.
Losing Zoe was not what changed everything with many people. It was a mean girl I've mentioned before on my blog, who was there for me throughout Zoe's hospital stay, funeral and all.
She invited me to a Halloween party a very short time after Zoe died. I didn't want to go. I begged her to look after me, so to speak, as I felt weak, and the very thought of a party made me feel ill. She promised. She lied. Some serious things transpired at that party. She did in fact leave me all alone and managed to make out with Ivy's father in front of a car in her driveway, as I sat watching them from a darkened porch with my own eyes. Ivy's father had been helping me, as I was single and grieving and felt very ill-equipped to handle a hyper five year old every minute. He had asked for us to try things again. Claiming we were older and maybe, just maybe, things would work out this time.
That party insured that never became much more than a thought.
That was my first attempt at being social after Zoe's death. I knew it was too soon, but I thought that if I had friends (and Ivy's father) there to keep an eye on me, or take me home when I felt uncomfortable, I could do it. Wrong. He was too drunk to take me home. I still had stitches up to my belly button and wasn't allowed to drive myself, and he had a standard anyway and I only drive an automatic. I had to keep my mouth shut as I was too afraid to cause a scene. They both knew I saw them and said nothing.
I called her the next morning, and simply asked her why. She pretended to have no idea what I was talking about. I was beyond angry. Posts started showing up on the internet, that I had taken pills and drank alcohol while pregnant. She wrote a poem depicting me as a little spider. A spider that she was going to pry her friends and family from and eventually squash. Yes, it was very immature, but she did it, half of it anyway. I had childhood friends, who I only kept up with on the internet, that have long since moved away and family that I didn't think even knew her, contacting me. Asking why I was being so horrible to this poor girl. It was horrible.
There are people in real life, who will read this and think I just won't leave it alone. Most of these are the same people who were manipulated by her, and will never know the whole story.
None of this matters to me.
My whole point in all of this is that I feel that had this incident never happened, and I hadn't lost so many friends and even family because of the awkwardness this situation caused, I would have had more support while grieving Zoe. I often wonder if I would still have developed the social anxiety that continues to this day.
I was so alone. I couldn't trust anyone. I really hate to even admit how much this situation affected my grief.
Months later this person was still going online telling people that I was using my dead baby for attention.
Is that why I lurked around bloglang for nearly a year, terrified to write publicly about the loss I'd experienced?
Sometimes I think so.
It amazes me to think, that the actions of one person, could affect the way someone grieves. That one could cause another to hide their sadness form the world
for fear of being chastised.
I realize now, that I just let ALL my friends just slip away after that. I learned how easily a friend could turn on you. I stopped caring to meet new people. I isolated myself. I depended on things I'd rather not mention, to help me get through those lonely days. I wasn't very good to myself.
I look through the contacts on my phone often. It's sad to see how many people that I used to think would do anything for me. It's sad how many of them I'll never call and will never call me.
I truly believe that I have found some real friends here. There are some of you that I know will always read, who care about what is going on in my life. I've received the sweetest gifts in the mail and I go about my day thinking of many of you.
I hope that I don't go the rest of my life not meeting any of you. I would love to give a hug, to each and every one of you who has helped to make this a more beautiful, hopeful and less lonesome time for me.

I feel safe posting this here. I know perhaps some of you will understand this.
Have any of you been hurt by someone you thought you could trust in the midst of grieving your child/ren?


Anonymous said...

Oh Lindsay, your post made me cry. I got so tremendusly mad at that girl, I cannot even imagine how hurt you must've been. I am sorry about all she has done and the terrible things she said.

And to your last question: Yes, indeed. It was Sky's father who I couldn't trust. And that caused many of so-called friends to turn their back, too. But I try to think that they're not worth grieving the loss of their friendship. If they don't even have the balls to ask me, then why should I bother? Easier said than done...

Sending a big hug to you!!

PS: And sending a karmic, virtual butt-kick to the *beep* (I didn't want to use bad words. Put in any cuss-word you fancy... she deserves it.)

Catherine W said...

Joining in with myskytime's virtual butt-kicking. Not that I am really a butt-kicking kind of gal (kind of puny if I'm truthful) but honestly, some people. Grrr.

I'm so sorry that this person turned up in your life Lindsay. I'm so sorry that she made you feel you weren't allowed to grieve for your little girl.

It's so hard. I feel as though I have lost most of my friends, not in the terrible way that your friendship with this particular girl ended, nothing near as horrible as that. Things just kind of drifted, nobody really knows what to say to me and I don't really know what to say to most of my friends anymore. Sigh. xo

margaret said...

Gawd Lindsay, that woman is a creep. A motherfucking predator. Women like that are a disgrace and the very reason why so many of us women prefer to trust only men. It's such a catch twenty-two. I have such a difficult time trusting women in real life. Not a problem with any of the women on here, who understand, who have felt the most horrible pain in the world and would do anything to protect another woman from having to feel that same pain. But in real life, the women who use and backstab and connive to either get your man, make themselves feel better about themselves, gossip...I can't tell you how much I have longed for the "sisterhood" of women, for the soft, feminine understanding that only another woman can provide but have been afraid to be close to women because of what you have just written about. It makes me so angry to hear you have been treated this way when you were so fragile in your loss. People can be so callous, so self involved. Life will kick her right in the ass for what she did to you Lindsay, maybe not now, but perhaps years down the road after she has trod on everyone in her life to fulfill her own needs. I know I'm ranting but I'm soooo angry.

On another note, as far as being treated meanly after losing my son, there really wasn't a specific incident that stands out in my mind, just many small things that accumulated, make me not very people orientated these days. My friends stopped calling. My family didn't come to my son's funeral. My grandmother spit out in a conversation that all I ever do anymore is talk about my dead son. Little hurts that cut deep. Sometimes, this place is the only place I too feel safe and understood. I wish I could hug you sweetheart. And don't worry, that witch will get hers. Love you

Penny said...

It always blows me away at how evil people can really be to others, especially when they were "friends." Blatant lies and making out with your ex. Sickening. Obviously, the girl's messed up. God says to pray for our enemies. I did that when we were dealing with constant harassment from Larry's ex-wife and although it didn't really change her--- it changed my reactions toward her and gave me peace. Try to make peace with this situation (within yourself-- not with her-- unless God leads you to do that). Just try to focus on you, your growing family, and that precious bundle you're carrying. God bless.

JamieW said...

People can be so mean and self-absorbed. I don't even begin to understand how people do things like that. I am so sorry.

Adriana Davies said...

Hi Lindsey,

Reading this brought tears to my eyes and anger to the back of my throat. This woman is a piece of work... It saddens me that there are people that are like this out there!

I too had a friend betray me. This was a woman who was "there for me" and "loved my daughter" and "will always honor her" RIGHT. A couple of months later when they made a mistake and told us we would be having a girl we decided to go with a name we had originally liked, Isabella and this girl has a daughter named Isabela. She proceeded to talk smack about me online, (love how they are chickens like that) call me all kinds of names, insult me, say I was going to lose this baby too because I was nothing but a fat a-- and even stooped to insulting my Mom who she had met once. Just a real piece of work!

I too cut her out and to be honest in the start I was sad but then I realized that a TRUE woman and TRUE mother would NEVER talk ill like that of an Angel Mom and to even insult the angels memory in itself was nothing short of evil in my book. I'm glad to have cut her and I'm glad to have met such wonderful TRUE women on this site! You are never alone!!!!


KuKd Chick said...

Ugh, that sounds awful. I'm so sorry, first, for the loss of little Zoe. Now back to you...losing a baby is just, a really isolating experience all around. I think most women would agree to that. It's ultimately this lonely thing that we have to deal with alone, inside our heads. And when something happens like what you're describing above (who ARE these insensitive people, by the way??), it makes it worse. I'm sorry you've had to deal with these mean and wacked-out people who can't see past their own universes and show some compassion.

Anonymous said...

I too am sorry you had to endure such hatred. What people do and say really affects others and I my wish is that the human race would care a lot more about such things.

Thinking and praying for you.

Mel in Oregon
It's been a while since I've commented but I do keep up with you! :)

angie said...

Disgusting woman. Shedding those people from our lives is so important, and yet sometimes, even with our distance, they can reach us. I hate it all. I can only say that I feel like real friends with you, even though I have never heard your accent. (But would like to!) With much love.

SadMommy3434 said...

I'm sorry that you have lost friends and family support since losing Zoe. I'm also sorry that they betrayed your trust.

I find it easier to stay isolated since I've lost my son. I've devoted all my time to getting myself better and focusing on my kids.


Kara aka Mother Henna said...

So many hugs to you for all of it. Zoe's death, the crazy aftermath of people like this, as if grief weren't hard enough. I always say that we are parents forever. I mean when our parents die, do we stop being their child? No. So I didn't stop being Kota's mom just coz he died. The love continues on. So of course you are still sharing your different kind of parenthood and working thru grief stuff. Duh! Some times people just don't get it. I think sometimes -- and I don't mean to be really mean -- but I suspect sometimes that people are too dim or emotionally unavailable or something. They don't have capacity for compassion. Really. They just don't have that gene activated or something. I had a friend who was so present, but she told me like a week after my son died that I had three years to work through this. Well, she was so present in those early days, that I just didn't even take in the "condition" she put on everything. Sure enough, on Kota's third birthday, she announced that enough was enough, and either I be done with "all this" or she couldn't be my friend in the same way anymore. It was so confusing and unreal or surreal. But it was her choice. After I cried and raged and grieved this loss upon loss, I finally settled in my heart that I needed real love, open compassion, unconditional (or at least more real) people in my life anyway.

But it does suck to deal with loss on top of loss!

A zillion trillion miracles to you!