Nov 28, 2009

Lazy (craft) day

Today, the jammies are staying on and the mascara is being skipped. I'm declaring today my 'craft day' and my little handiworks are taking center stage. I have to make two things for the blogosphere and finish my mobile. I've had some good ideas for my hummingbird's wings. I think an irredescent green would make a lovely add-on and help mimic constant movement. I'm still wondering if I can manage tiny wire feet for all six birds.
Ivy is at her dad's until Monday and I'm trying to not feel lonely. Kenny and I are not as close as we have been in the past. I have never had an easy time of being pregnant, even when things are going perfectly. We are simply in different places emotionally and I have become somewhat withdrawn. I don't feel I have the freedom to make emotional outbursts or expressions even. Let's just say that there is some anger, seemingly directed at me, but truly I don't know what it's there for. It hurts and it's alienating and it can come with no warning. I am not good at being yelled at. It hurts and then I put on my tough girl mask and cry behind it.
So, yeah, I'm going to have a quiet day of working with my hands and trying to keep myself good company. There is something so calming about creating and I am blessed to have the abilty to sit around and create. I love watching my imagination turn into something tangible.
I am very excited about finally getting all of my packages in the mail and reading the response to them. I really feel led to try and bless others this holiday season. I hope it gives me the feeling of connection that I so long for right now.
I'm really struggling. I really feel alienated and like everyone is done hearing about the one who was lost. I feel like the people close to me now would like me to accept that this pregnancy is some guarantee, when I know it's a hope, not an absolute. I cannot feel any other way but guarded and shy about it.
Hopefully it will get better, all of it, very soon...

6 comments:

Trulyana said...

Dear Lindsay,
I am happy that you are at least creating and feel happy about it. I understand about feeling under the weather, sometimes it is most accepting to just go through each motion without having the necessary need of pushing it away.
Expressing oneself through art is a great healing tool and I am happy you are at least in the zone.
Just so you know, you are my partner for Mother Henna's Handmade Gift Exchange. I have sent you an email via your yahoo email but have not received a response yet. I leave my email here through this ID.
Take care and look forward to getting to know you through this exchange.

Tina said...

Oh Lindsay WE will never grow tired of hearing about your precious Zoe. I love creating too. It helps to clear my mind. Try to remember that even the most perfect of relationships has it's ups and downs, you just have ride them out. I hope some peace comes your way soon. xx

angie said...

I love craft days. Thinking of you these days. Just catching up on blogs. xo

Cheese Lady said...

Hi! I just wanted you to know I am still here, I read every new post but sometimes just don't know what to say so I say nothing. Every day I look at your cute mouse and think of you and wonder how you are feeling today, weird because I don't know you. I wonder how you all can feel christmassy in the south with no snow lol
I wonder if you need more chocolate hahah
Hope you day is going better!!!

myskytimes said...

Lindsay, I hear you. I can imagine everybody expecting you to be "ok" now, because you're pregnant. It's their hope, they just don't know better. But they love you anyway.
And us girls around here, we love you too. Plus: we're never done hearing about Zoe. Ever.
xoxo

PS: If guitar-strings would help you with the wire-feet, I could put a few old ones into your package...

Kara aka Mother Henna said...

Lots of supportive vibes to you. Be as gentle as you can with you as the holidaze unfold... Just stopping by at all the participants to make sure everyone knows the holiday gift exchange partners are now posted:

http://motherhenna.blogspot.com/2009/11/handmade-gift-exchange-holiday-blog.html

Hope you enjoy the process of giving and receiving heART...
miracles,
k-