Nov 1, 2009

All Alone

I'm sorry I haven't been writing. I was visited by a migraine and a sense of intense loneliness this weekend. Last night while taking Ivy trick or treating, surrounded by little pea-pods and super-girls and black cats, I suddenly felt all alone.
I am so lonely. I find myself yearning to have Kenny here to experience this with me. I'm beginning to feel the tiniest of flutters and I know they will turn into kicks and jabs before Kenny comes home.
I wish he wouldn't have missed the ultrasound. I wish he would have gotten to meet the Dr. that (hopefully) will be bringing this baby out of my womb and into this world. Sadly, that can't be my job this go around.
I wish he were here to eat my cooking and bring me a glass of water every now and again. I wish he were here to rub my achy back.
This is going to sound selfish, but I feel abandoned.
When Ivy goes off to school in the mornings, I find myself staring at the walls and staying lost in thought for hours. This is a far cry from my usual crafting, creating, active and imaginative self.
I've always cherished time to myself, but at this point, I'm sick of me. It's just me and my thoughts and my crazy dreams and my warm bed.
I'm not forgetting that Ivy is here with me; I'm only referring to the increasing number of hours I spend with just myself and my dogs.
I feel selfish for wanting more than this.
I am just feeling so utterly and helplessly lonely.

8 comments:

margaret said...

Lindsay I just want you to know that I think of you often. I know this time is difficult for you and that you are feeling lonely right now. If I could come for a cup of tea and an afternoon of girlchat and giggles I would be there with you in a heartbeat. Sending you hugs hun....

angie said...

I don't think it is selfish at all. I would feel lonely and alone if Sam worked away for months at a time too, especially being pregnant. Heck, I feel like that when he works a twenty-four hour shift. This is all such a tumultuous time--pregnancy after loss. You never really know when the fear will strike, or the need to be held and taken care of for a minute. I wish you were closer. Really. XO. Much love.

Snarky Belle said...

I'm so sorry. I think of you often, and wish that I could do to ease your loneliness. Lindsay, you are not selfish!! I don't think anyone thinks how you are feeling is selfish. We understand! Please remember you are loved by so many!!
:)

Catherine W said...

I can only say what everyone else has already, you aren't selfish. Not at all.
I'm so sorry that Kenny isn't around to look after you and your tiny one at the moment. It must make it doubly hard.
I wish I could teleport over to come and see you. I'd bring chocolate! Sending hugs to you. xo

myskytimes said...

It's not selfish at all to be feeling like this. It must be hard going through a pregnancy without your sweetie on your side... Being left alone with worries and dark thoughts...

It's such a pity we all live so far apart. We'd come over, fix you some tea, bundle you up in a blanket, tell you funny stories or let you cry if you feel like it...

Sending you a big hug! xxx

Lea said...

Like Margaret said, we would be there in a heartbeat if we could. If only it were that easy. So sorry it's such a difficult time. Hang in there, girl.

Thinking of you.... and loving your pictures, btw!

-clevergirl said...

I would gladly come over and give you a backrub if I could. =) I am so sorry you are lonely. **HUG**

Jennifer Ross said...

Stay strong Linds. You just keep writing and we will be here to support you.

Wish I could just cross the road and come and visit you! :)

xx oo
Jenny